Sunday, November 1, 2009

I lift my hands and pray

There are certain things I have always wanted in life. I have always wanted to go to school. I always wanted to do what I did for a career. I have always had dreams. Some of them have come true in ways I hadn't completely planned. Some of them I realized I didn't want enough to make them happen. And others I had to learn to be patient for.

One of those dreams, one of those things that I always wanted, was to be married, to be a wife, to be a mother, to have kids. It was the only dream I ever truly prayed and asked for.

My prayers over the years have changed with regards to that dream. I used to pray that I'd be ready for it. I'd pray that I'd remain worthy of the blessing of marriage and family. And I'd pray that somewhere out there, the boy I was going to marry was doing what he needed to do too.

As I grew up and started dating, my prayers changed just a little. I started praying to know if what I was doing, who I was with, was right. I don't believe in a "one and only." I think there are several guys I could be eternally happy with. But on the other hand that means that there are countless guys that would be quite wrong for me. And it is possible to fall in love with one of those. So I wanted to make sure that didn't happen.

And I started praying for patience and acceptance of the Lord's timing for me on this dream.

Some time last year I realized that things with HP really could be the right things for me. I started praying that our relationship would be blessed. And my prayers for patience increased. And I think most people who know me would say that those prayers were answered tenfold. It doesn't seem to me like I exercised any great patience, it's just how it happened. But those prayers definitely helped. If anything they were an almost daily reminder to me that my life does not always go according to my timing and that there is Someone who knows when things should happen for me better than I do.

Then in June, when I came home that night after he asked and I said yes, my prayer was completely different. I didn't ask for anything that night. But through my tears I expressed a gratitude I didn't have words for. Still don't actually.

But my prayers haven't stopped. I'm still praying for my marriage and family, just as I have been my whole life. But now I know the names to say. Well, one of them. The rest of the names I'll pray for in my family will come later. And my gratitude continues as well.

None of my prayers ever changed the mind of a boy I liked. But they changed my mind, and heart, and made me ready, and especially grateful, for the blessings that came in the end.