Friday, November 6, 2009

Lacking a Default

Most people have a default person - the one person they can just about always count on to be there when they want to hang out, talk, go to an event, or just watch tv. This doesn't mean that they do everything together, just that there is always someone around they can be with if they so choose. Usually, the feeling is mutual. Each person is the other person's default. It can be their best friend, a roommate, or a family member. The luckiest among us are those whose default is their significant other.

For example, for Roxie, it's HP. For my brother, it's his best friend. Trixie may not have just one default, but she lives in close proximity to her family and other friends she has known and loved for years. Roxie, Trixie, and I all have each other, but mostly just for talking. Meredith Grey and Christina Yang.

In the past, I've had a default. For a period of time after I graduated from high school, I was either in a relationship or had Trixie. Or both. Or Trixie and a male best friend. I almost always had someone with whom I could spend time, and they wanted to spend time with me and we'd make lots of time for each other. No matter what, I always knew someone was there, and even if my usual default weren't, I lived rather close to my family and other good friends (like Roxie!).

Except now. I moved far, far away from anyone I've ever known, and even though I've been in this new city for nigh on four years, I still don't have anyone like that. No one here has been there consistently enough to be considered my default yet.

It's ridiculously hard. I do have friends and it's not like I never spend time with anyone else, but there is no one person I can always, always count on.

I try. I do. I make time for people. I go out and get to know them. I invite friends out and they invite me, and a week in which I never see or speak to my local friends is fairly rare. It's just not the same friend or even group of friends, not for long.

And besides just being patient and knowing that something will give sooner or later and that I'm not really alone, I don't know what else I can do. I am grateful for the time I do have with others, and I try to make the most of it.

I very definitely need my me time and I'm usually comfortable with how much time I spend alone, but the times I really want to spend time with someone else, I wish I knew who I could always call.