Friday, August 27, 2010

Second verse

In those dark moments this was my song:

I've gone to college. I have a career. I've been recognized at the state level for my work in my career. I've earned a graduate degree. I have a car. I can live on my own and manage my own house. I've moved. I've changed careers. I've run marathons. Why won't someone marry me?!?

And, as you might guess, the last one has very little to do with the rest of them (although HP has told me that if I wasn't as educated as I am, not what I've studied but that I've studied, he would've found me boring and it wouldn't have worked out between us). Marriage doesn't come down to degrees or careers, but rather two people being at the right place in their life to make that decision at the same time.

But the fact that it took so long actually makes me super proud of it. I want people to know our (I think) incredible story and how much we really worked for what we have. That waiting time made it that much more valuable in the end.

Now I've discovered a second verse to that song. It goes something like this:

I've gone to college. I have a career. I've been recognized at the state level for my work in my career. I've earned a graduate degree. I have a car. I can live on my own and manage my own house. I've moved. I've changed careers. I've run marathons. I've gotten married. Why can't I get pregnant?!?

And again, that last one has very little, if anything, to do with the rest of them, except hopefully the marriage one. Those ones should definitely be done in a certain order. Babies are miracles, especially the very start of them. Because it involves so many things happening at the same time and in just the right sequence that it's incredible any of us are here at all.

The longer this goes on the more I want people to know just how long it took. That it won't be an "oops" or a "happy accident." That we really wanted it. But I'm not wanting to tell people we're trying and struggling yet. Not till we're successful.

Which makes me wonder how many other people around me are struggling in ways I don't know about and I'm not aware of.

Some times I think it would be nice if I could've just learned that patience thing once and been done with it. But patience itself has taught me a lot. If I could only remember those lessons better.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


I was going to write about something else. But I'll save that for another day.

Jinxie's post "I'm Tired" inspired me. Particularly the video at the end. Did you see that? It was awesome.

I lived alone for almost 8 years. No roommates. No family. No one at the address but me. Nobody's stuff in the bathroom but mine. Nobody with food in the fridge except me. Nobody to clean up the mess I made and nobody to care if I didn't do it for a few days. Living alone worked great for me. I really enjoyed it.

And I worried that getting married would be hard. I'd be sharing space with someone else. There would be another person there. Would he be okay that I tend to not do the dishes every day? There was a reason I stopped living with roommates. I didn't like them. Would I be okay living with someone else again? Was I too set in my ways?

We were lucky in that we had the space to move in together when we got married. He had a house and it wasn't full. He was actually looking forward to it finally getting decorated. So there was space for both our stuff. But he'd been doing things a certain way there for a while on his own. Would I change it too much for him? Would I adapt to the way he did things? And we're not just talking how you squeeze the tooth paste. We each used our own till one of us ran out.

Combining lives is huge. And it's taken us almost a year to get as much combined as we have. And there are still a few things that we haven't combined yet. We've slowly been putting together our bank accounts, our phone plans, the other bills. The rooms are all a collection of both our things now. I think not doing it all at once helped. We were able to ease into it.

And now the morbid part of my head is wondering if I could ever learn to live alone again. It wasn't that long ago that I was completely independent. Did I really become so dependent on someone else so quickly?

And why does that scare me so?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I'm tired

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being tired.

I'm tired of not sleeping well.

I'm tired of sleeping alone.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not getting anywhere even though I'm accomplishing all sorts of tasks.

I'm tired of making all the decisions. Can someone else take over dinner planning this week?

I'm tired of not being heard.

I'm tired of being overlooked.

I'm tired of trying to keep up.

I'm tired of job hunting.

I'm tired of not even getting interviews.

I'm tired of people who flake out and/or can't commit to anything.

I'm tired of people who invite me in to their personal inner sanctum and then put me at arm's length the next day.

I'm tired of being alone all the time. Heaven knows I need my alone time sometimes, but this all the time thing is getting old.

But you know what?

I love knowing that I don't always feel this tired. This too shall pass. And besides, sleeping alone means that no one knows I haven't put the sheets back on my bed after washing them a week ago . . . Bed nest of sheets and pillows FTW!

In the meantime:

Monday, August 9, 2010

A confession:

My ex-fiance is gay.

He came out a couple of years after he dumped me.

No, I'm not happy for him. I'm not supportive. I don't want to talk to him ever again. Perhaps if our engagement had ended on a mutual decision, things would be different, but he left me in unexpected darkness and pain and confusion because he offered no real explanation for breaking off our engagement. As far as I knew then, it had nothing to do with his sexuality. As far as I knew then, he was straight, so don't go blaming me in the comments for not knowing or for trying to convince him he was straight or for trying to fix him. I'm not that girl and I'm not stupid. He started it--he pursued me, he asked me to marry him, and he decided to not marry me.

I think I've forgiven him for what his decision did to me, but that does not mean I'm going to befriend him.

Going through that breakup and the subsequent aftermath, when things just got worse instead of better like they all say they will, was one of the most horrific, self-doubting, exhausting, and difficult things I've ever had to do. At least this time it only took me 6 months to get to feeling like myself again as opposed to another betrayal years earlier--that one took 2 years and was worse overall.

Still, having made that commitment and those covenants (like he had) and being ready for the future and all that it would bring, and then to have it pulled out from underneath me in a cruel and deceitful way was a huge blow to everything I thought I wanted. It's been difficult and sad knowing what we could have had and what he threw away.

In some ways, it's gotten easier. I've had the assurance that I WILL marry in this life, and it will be to a man who is as committed to the gospel as I am, and I'm very glad I didn't get married the first time (although that, in a way, is also very sad). I'm happy in so many ways. I've come back to myself and grown as a person. I'm so strongly rooted in my faith that nothing can shake me. On the other hand, it's gotten harder; knowing what he's given up, knowing the kind of life he's leading, knowing how his family must feel about this. Knowing that we still live within 30 miles of each other and I'll have to talk to him someday. Not easy in the least.

This is what I live with every day. I recognize that pain is pain, and that everyone has it. Mine isn't necessarily bigger than anyone else's, nor is it necessarily smaller. It's not as painful as it was, but it still makes me incredibly sad sometimes. I don't really wish things were different, but I sometimes know what? I don't. I'm glad I went through this if only to realize exactly how strong I am and what I'm made of deep down. Maybe that's why I'm not in agony all the time like I could be. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I know my Savior loves me. I know that I'm a better, kinder, gentler, stronger person for having done this.

And I hope that I WILL marry someone who recognizes and values that, because I recognize and value those traits in others, and, quite honestly, I'm worth more than someone who can't love me. These things I will not compromise just to have children.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Work angst

Do you ever look around and think "this is not my beautiful house!"?

I'm looking around my office today, my second home since I'm here more than I'm home except for sleeping, and feeling the despair. For the next semester, I'm going to get a pretty little lamp to put by my computer and a lavender essential oil reed diffuser in an attempt to feel happier here. I'm also sucking in my stomach while I'm sitting here typing this so I don't feel like so much of a squash or pillow with legs. The very thought of what the next few weeks will bring is making me tense and irritable, and that's never good for the energy of the office.

One of my coworkers gave me this Dilbert cartoon to put on my desk because he thought I'd get a laugh out of it:

At the time, I did laugh. I don't feel so much like laughing right now, though. I'm 35. I work in what I sometimes refer to as a "divorced mom of 2 trying to get back on her feet with no degree" job. I've been here for two and a half years. I haven't gotten a raise (darn budget cuts!) in two years. I know I'm making a good contribution here but I feel a bit like Mary Poppins--I came here to get things running smoothly (besides the fact that I just really needed a full-time job with benefits) and now that things are back on track (if they were ever on track at all) and policies have been put in place and enforced, I feel the wind changing. Heck, I've felt it changing for months, but I've felt helpless do to anything ABOUT it.

Last September, I felt very much that I wouldn't be here for more than 6 months. I was planning on quitting in March. But then I had a couple of experiences that told me that I needed to stay here for a while longer. I wonder how long that "while" is going to last, because I really need to be making more money. While I am pretty sure I'll be married before I'm 40 (or maybe just REALLY optimistic), I need to be more able to support myself and build a hefty savings account.

Let's just say that, right now, on this income, buying a house with decent plumbing in a good neighborhood is a pipe-dream. I've put some feelers out on some graduate programs and jobs and nothing has turned up just yet. I've been praying a WHOLE LOT about what I should be doing and where I should be going, and nothing has been clear just yet. I don't want to be here for another year. I don't want to be in a job where my creativity is limited to filing things--filing things is fine, but I feel my brain and soul getting sick here and long to do something that is more actively creative. There are times here when it's really hard to contain the rage I sometimes feel at answering the same set of questions over and over and over again, or at answering the phone over and over and over again.

Surely there is something else out there! I just wish I knew what rock it was under or what corner it was around--it's been under rocks and around corners for a little while now, just out of reach or sight or definition, and it's maddening to know it's there but not be able to see it. We're taught that we've been given talents to build the kingdom of God and make life better for others, but it's REALLY hard to see how any of my more creative talents are actually doing anyone any good if they just sit in piles and drawers and boxes in my sewing room. I want to be doing something--I mean, why was I given these gifts if I'm not supposed to do something more with them?

It's endlessly frustrating right now, and there are days I just want to sleep--which is a sure sign I'm in a bit of a depressive slump. I'm just asking for a pinpoint of light or a tiny bone thrown my way so that I can have a better game plan for the next few years. And, just as a PS to the universe, it would very much help if I were dating someone. I just really miss holding hands.

In the meantime, I'll hope my lamp-and-lavender tricks help me feel less stressed and more happy.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Like in the Mooooovieees

How to make a Hollywood love scene.

Step 1: Get two absolutely gorgeous people who wake up each morning looking like someone did their hair while they slept (because in reality, there was a hairdresser who did their hair right before they "woke up").

Step 2: Set up some impossible scene. Examples include a boating trip on a lake filled with swans and white ducks with a rain storm on the way back. Or a first dance leading to true love that very night. Or at work while others are in the offices just next door. Or sworn enemies who can't even stand to look at each other who suddenly discover that nobody else makes their heart go pitter-patter like that.

Step 3: Get a set dresser to strew clothing around the scene as if it has been ripped/thrown off in a fit of passion.

Step 4: End the scene with the weird L shaped sheets that seem to cover the woman to her shoulders but the man only to his waist.

To hear Hollywood tell it, all relationships are fated by the stars and when they align just right then clothes go flying and you find love.

The movies are wrong! And hopefully you've already realized that.

Because I have to tell you, when I pretend to be a set dresser and strew clothes about the house and my husband looks at me funny and asks me what I'm doing and I reply by saying, "You know, like in the moooovies" (and you have to really hold out the O for effect), all he can do is laugh at me. And that never happens in the movies.

I keep a hair elastic next to the bed so my hair isn't a poof ball when I wake up in the morning. I don't have a hair dresser who brushes and curls it for me just before my alarm goes off. Some mornings my own breath disgusts me. While there are times when passion surprises one of us, there has never been a ripping and flying of clothing.

Instead of that we have the real thing that most of Hollywood just can't seem to get. The killing bugs that scare me. The cleaning the kitchen together. The sitting quietly in the evening and reading. The grocery shopping and taking out the trash.

There is standing on the patio in the rain. There are looks that say so much. There is soft caressing. And there is a lot of laughter (and not just at my attempts to make things like the movies).

And it's real, and nothing like the moooovies!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Linksies 2

Ten Rules For Being Human - Everyone should follow these. Think of how much better relationships with other humans would be!

Students of Virginity - Harvard students stand up for virginity. This makes me very happy.

Women most beautiful at 31 - It's all about the confidence, baby.

The Joy of Celibacy: One Author's Year Without Sex - I'll see her 1 year, and raise her my several and counting.

Anguish of Romantic Rejection Linked to Stimulation of Areas of Brain Related to Motivation, Reward and Addiction - Science ran with my thoughts on breakups being like drug withdrawals and agrees with me!

Relationships Improve Your Odds of Survival by 50 percent - And not just the romantic ones. Friends and family too!

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