tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26349817522887154472024-02-01T23:55:30.944-07:00I Won't SayThe Secret Thoughts of The Frustratingly SingleJinxiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10134218984402450077noreply@blogger.comBlogger380125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-88244977199468485032014-05-23T17:14:00.001-06:002014-05-23T17:14:41.731-06:00And Then There Was One<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitbIw_6GDCE9pcAYjifzk7ZtdORlWB0n4Z0kfj7OsYKi3z5-qmUInVWtaZLCp9-ovfBPTQfro_ZL5ALz4Ut4-to_EUBcWXt4J71M_QtJ6i5pJtU_Kkl8qy-acpdym3wd2wKyc56qiRgZ1-/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitbIw_6GDCE9pcAYjifzk7ZtdORlWB0n4Z0kfj7OsYKi3z5-qmUInVWtaZLCp9-ovfBPTQfro_ZL5ALz4Ut4-to_EUBcWXt4J71M_QtJ6i5pJtU_Kkl8qy-acpdym3wd2wKyc56qiRgZ1-/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" /></a></div>
I'm the lone single woman on this blog, and that likely won't change any time soon. As the lone single (single lone?), it's hard for me to come up with things to write about that don't sound like complaining or that don't dismiss the struggles of the new parent and new wife on here. However, I've recently figured out that, if I think about it, there are a lot of topics within the overall subject of singleness. I just have to, you know, think about it.<br />
<br />
Since there are heavy topics and light topics, and since I'm tired and worried about other things right now, I'll start with a lightish topic: isolation.<br />
<br />
Really, isolation could go either way, and can be very heavy, but this recent experience with it is more of a "well, that's how it is" moment than a "oh, I can't do this anymore" moment, if that makes sense. I'm currently serving in the Primary presidency of my ward--we are in charge of the Sunday activities of the children from 18 months to 12 years old, and we also concern ourselves (in a limited way) with their home lives. I am the oldest in this presidency and the only single, childless member. The women with whom I serve have all dealt with weird pregnancy issues--one lost multiples because of a uterine anomaly, one has health issues that prevent her from having anything other than C-section births--and they talk about them. That's fine. I think it's good to talk about these things so others know they're not alone and are prepared for the strange things that can happen. I don't really mind hearing about all the blood tests and appointments that come along with high-risk pregnancies (after all, I'm automatically high-risk just because of age) and I don't mind hearing about all the strange and wonderful things that go along with being a parent.<br />
<br />
I just feel out of place when the topic moves that direction. I don't have anything but second-hand experience to contribute, and sometimes I get the feeling that my friends feel a little awkward discussing things to which I can't personally relate. I joke that I pay attention and take notes so I can be a better mom someday, but lately there's the mental undercurrent that I may never get to be a mom and the joke is losing its ability to make me feel better about my situation. One night after a meeting, the three of them started talking about hospitals and obstetricians and I had nothing to contribute to the conversation, so I politely excused myself and left.<br />
<br />
Like I said, these moments don't make me despair (most of the time...), but they're still a little new and raw. For years I reasoned that I could deal with them because someday I'd be a mother, but now the impending loss of fertility and introduction of menopause are staring me in the face. Not that I'm going to really hit menopause until I'm in my 50s, but I'm almost 40 and my chances of having a child on my own are very, very slim, even with modern medical technology. No one in my family that I know of has had a child past 35. I don't know what to expect, but I do know the odds are stacked firmly against me and I just have to deal with that like I deal with wrinkles and cellulite. Wrinkles and cellulite are just part of life, and there's not much I can do about them, so I try not to get hung up on them. It's the same thing with being single and almost 40; it's literally a shrug of the shoulders and an "oh, well!" because there's not much I can do about it on my own.<br />
<br />
It is what it is, and while it feels odd to be isolated in this way, it's not really disturbing or distressing. Most people don't understand, and that's ok. It's not their fault. This is just how life happens, and you either freak out about it and waste a lot of energy, or recognize that it's out of your hands (for the most part) and shrug and move on.<br />
<br />
What's interesting, though, is that I almost feel like isolation bubble is protecting me--it's not unfriendly or threatening or sad, it's just different. And if I can't contribute to a conversation, it's ok to excuse myself and be alone in my bubble for a while.Trixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06335132418165567922noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-63999454846825794332014-02-18T17:08:00.000-07:002014-02-18T17:08:55.962-07:00Move on already!!<img align="left" hspace="5" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivWCot2tHPyqnjV0cx1CxJIYQtb6dgMgPyc0SUyz8lijdwb0MTnrZ8LUKE3_5xLoOBZ1hCCkHEJG9wcG1yx2vcD9Maazh-5ZBjhuVSKNahfxiC5605lz43hTGx16MseY5ZpQJrfsw1Jzw/s220/27.jpg" />She basically stalked him, making sure no other girl dated him for long, if at all. She would buddy up to them and convince them he was weird or moving too fast or whatever she had to do to get them to not talk to them.<br />
<br />
She tried it with me. It didn't work. Then she tried threatening me. She yelled (literally) at me during a church meeting. And when she found out we were getting married, told him within 5 years he'd realize how mean I was and divorce me. And she blocked us on Facebook.<br />
<br />
Until she was getting married herself. Then she sent both of us friend requests.<br />
<br />
Weird.<br />
<br />
We both ignored the request.<br />
<br />
And now she's following me on Pinterest.<br />
<br />
Really?<br />
<br />
Really?<br />
<br />
MOVE ON ALREADY!!<br />
<br />
I wish her well. But I also wish she'd just disappear.Roxiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02798242755273465376noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-66900856168277432832013-12-16T22:46:00.000-07:002013-12-16T22:46:29.278-07:00Starting AgainWow. My last post was nearly a year ago; a lot has changed. One of the reasons I didn't blog more here was the depression resulting from my job (which just got worse) and that sometimes I feel like I don't have much to say as an "older" single adult. I just live my life. Besides, who wants to hear from a single woman in a miserable job, driving an old car, and trying to learn new things? :)<br />
<br />
Update:<br />
<br />
I was laid off from that awful job a couple of months ago. I feel like it was a direct answer to many anguished prayers. I still don't know why it was the right thing to accept the job to begin with, and the right thing to deal with all the badness that came in the last half of my time there, but I am confident that it WAS the right thing, somehow, and that, even if I don't get the answers to my questions about it right away, I will eventually. Or, if I don't get answers, I'll at least be blessed with understanding. I didn't realize how depressed I was until after I met with HR about severance and 401k stuff and felt a lightness I hadn't felt in months. I even stuck around my last few days and cheerfully cleaned my desk and finished or handed off some projects. I even got emotional on my last day talking to a few excellent colleagues (could they be the reason I was supposed to work there, I wonder?) after they took me to lunch.<br />
<br />
The first half of my time at that job was great. I was treated as an equal and contributing member of a team with ideas and thoughts worth hearing. I was respected and trusted. If I was honest in my shortcomings, I was not made to feel stupid. The last half...well, we've already discussed it and I don't really want to talk about it except to say that it took the first several weeks of unemployment for me to figure out that I had actually been depressed. Not just sad or worried, but probably depressed enough that I should have sought help from a mental health professional. The stupid thing is I should have seen it, having gone through some major depression (to the point of contemplating suicide--yikes) over a decade ago, but I didn't recognize it for what it was until after I'd been laid off. I just figured things were weird and would get better.<br />
<br />
(Incidentally, one of the weirdest things was that I was given no instruction or direction from my actual boss for how to handle closing my accounts and for taking care of my computer and other equipment. I had to call several departments on my own to make sure I did things right.)<br />
<br />
Since then I have said many prayers of thanks for getting me out of a really bad situation. And, although the stress of not having a job has been wearing (there have been several weeks where I just let myself sleep until 11 AM and didn't really do anything until 1 PM), and I'm still working through some depression issues, it's been so nice to just be home. I have been reminded that, if my single situation changes soon and I have the opportunity to stay home and raise children, I will be very happy to do so. Very happy. I have hope that I'll be able to do that.<br />
<br />
I've been on several interviews since, but nothing has panned out. My savings is getting low and I'm getting worried so I really hope I'll have something in the next three or four weeks because I don't know what I'll do if I don't. Overall, however, being laid off, while stressful and sad at times, has been a blessing. I look at it as God giving me a little bit of a break from work, and I figure as long as I'm doing my best, He'll tell me what to do next.Trixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06335132418165567922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-18501553333291120092013-01-25T00:42:00.000-07:002013-01-25T00:42:33.448-07:00Trying Harder<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYGk9StmxElhqz-vpRPmNzi-iJiPgnUFH1xKAjwlLFWl7EGXrlMTxHbtpF6NeT_UZHtGNUEoJdv5lZXXcsjTvgVaq0Oxnoyl6kZPTHr0EUzbDYCWeKUI02BHrRwtZw5HEgKf1fhPl5bBB7/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><br /></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYGk9StmxElhqz-vpRPmNzi-iJiPgnUFH1xKAjwlLFWl7EGXrlMTxHbtpF6NeT_UZHtGNUEoJdv5lZXXcsjTvgVaq0Oxnoyl6kZPTHr0EUzbDYCWeKUI02BHrRwtZw5HEgKf1fhPl5bBB7/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYGk9StmxElhqz-vpRPmNzi-iJiPgnUFH1xKAjwlLFWl7EGXrlMTxHbtpF6NeT_UZHtGNUEoJdv5lZXXcsjTvgVaq0Oxnoyl6kZPTHr0EUzbDYCWeKUI02BHrRwtZw5HEgKf1fhPl5bBB7/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" /></a>It's very early on a Friday morning. In fact, it's so early that it was Thursday less than an hour ago. I should be sleeping, but instead I'm worrying about work. There is so much going through my head that I can't express or even sort out enough to make sense of. What I know is that I'm so unhappy at work that the thought of going there in a few hours almost makes me cry. The clearly defined position I accepted last year has turned into one of nebulous responsibility, resulting in frustration, discouragement, and a general anxiety that I'm doing something wrong at any given time. I very much dislike feeling this way. <br />
<br />
When I took the job, I felt very strongly that it was an answer to many prayers over several months. Everything happened so quickly--I took all those events as a sign that it was the right direction for me and I should accept whatever they offered. Several months later, I find myself doubting that decision nearly every day. I don't know why I'm there, I don't know what my job actually is, and it's starting to wear on me so much that I'm not sleeping well and I dread walking into my building. Despite my uncertainty and doubt, I definitely know that staying at my previous job would have been very bad for me, so I'm trying to stick it out without complaining. Another friend is suddenly unemployed, which makes me feel worse for disliking my steady job with good benefits.<br />
<br />
I don't even know what to do or how to start feeling better about everything. I keep looking for other work, but I know my chances at a better job are slim right now. Unlike the other members of my team, I did not go to school to be in this industry. I have no desire to get an MBA, and a degree in business administration makes me cringe. I'm stuck here, though, and I have to figure out parts of my job to like or I'll become even more depressed and anxious about it.<br />
<br />
If God wants me to be happy, and He guided me where I am now, why am I so miserable? Why do I feel like calling in sick all the time? Why do I fantasize about getting in a car accident or slipping on the icy sidewalk and missing weeks of work? Why am I told to do a project, but not given enough information to do it correctly, and then get scolded for asking clarifying questions? Why, when I'm encouraged to ask clarifying questions, do I feel like I'm being punished for "pushing back" when I DO ask them?<br />
<br />
I don't understand what's happening, and I wish I could figure it out. No one likes someone who can't do anything but complain, and I'm afraid I'm turning into a constant complainer. I feel somehow guilty for feeling like this, but I don't know how to fix it. I'm praying that I'll find things to be happy about, and that I'll be able to be consistently cheerful and kind no matter what is dumped on me. It's exhausting, though, and I hope I can figure all of this out soon. The light at the end of this tunnel is very, very dim right now.Trixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06335132418165567922noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-25008624520618387252013-01-23T11:30:00.000-07:002013-01-23T11:30:15.343-07:00I could remember my pains no more<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6U3shk98M_ye8paYkbhwPkxueqNHImPJaydhydF8dfsv4ufdnQM8H6lFMZ6Ukbztw_n0m7tA4V-KaSx96IGY-JoQZS0tQ8qxqJZ56qufYO9c1AkL_rWfkEhQ089gsocTQgdW9p5PQ_mY/s1600-h/dulcet_darla.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5427918497936065490" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6U3shk98M_ye8paYkbhwPkxueqNHImPJaydhydF8dfsv4ufdnQM8H6lFMZ6Ukbztw_n0m7tA4V-KaSx96IGY-JoQZS0tQ8qxqJZ56qufYO9c1AkL_rWfkEhQ089gsocTQgdW9p5PQ_mY/s400/dulcet_darla.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; float: left; height: 100px; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; width: 75px;" /></a>When I was lonely and single, especially when I was hurt and sad and angry and frustrated, whether at an individual or the whole single situation, I knew, somehow, that whomever I ended up finding and marrying would be worth the wait and the hurt. That, like Alma in The Book of Mormon in Alma 36:20, I would be able to say: "And oh, what joy , and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!"<br />
<br />
I experienced this while Roscoe and I were dating and engaged - I was so happy and knew that happiness would grow for the rest of forever that it already made up for everything I had gone through while I was waiting for him.<br />
<br />
What I really hadn't considered was verse 19: "And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more." Alma couldn't even remember the hurt.<br />
<br />
Last night, Roscoe and I were watching TV together and a main character was breaking up with his girlfriend, who has been a supporting character this season. She'd done nothing wrong, he'd just realized he was in love with someone else, and so he ended it.<br />
<br />
Watching her cry, knowing I'd been in similar situations of being blindsided by a breakup, I realized that if I'd been watching that episode a year ago, I probably would have been hit with at least a twinge of how much that sucks and hurts.<br />
<br />
This time, sitting with and holding the hand of my husband of five weeks, I felt nothing. I was sad for her (though, admittedly, happier that this character was going to get back to his real love), but I felt nothing for me. I ran through some names in my head of jerks in my past and nothing, no hurt, no sadness, just peace and happiness for the life ahead. I truly "could remember my pains no more."<br />
<br />
Of course, I paused the show, told Roscoe about this and just how happy he makes me. He's amazing.<br />
<br />
It also reminds me of the Atonement, which is why Alma could no longer remember his pains. It's not just about the pain of sin, but of the pain of disease, injury, and even heartache. Jesus took that all on Himself so that we could overcome them and continue on our path of eternal progression.<br />
<br />
It's an amazing blessing and I am feeling very grateful for it today!</div>
Jinxiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10134218984402450077noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-25924081665730722442013-01-09T13:36:00.000-07:002013-01-09T13:36:00.256-07:00Never thought I'd see that<img align="left" hspace="5" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivWCot2tHPyqnjV0cx1CxJIYQtb6dgMgPyc0SUyz8lijdwb0MTnrZ8LUKE3_5xLoOBZ1hCCkHEJG9wcG1yx2vcD9Maazh-5ZBjhuVSKNahfxiC5605lz43hTGx16MseY5ZpQJrfsw1Jzw/s220/27.jpg" />A while back we were out running errands a lot longer than we thought we would be and needed some food before starting the long drive home. We stopped at a Jack-in-the-Box for salads (they're good!) and followed a young twenty-something couple in.<br />
<br />
Both of us needed to use the restroom, but the couple in front of us needed to as well. My husband headed to the men's room (which was one of those single room types not the multiple stall types). I saw the couple in front of us both head towards the women's room, and I thought that was weird. And then I saw the guy get the door for the girl. And I thought that was a odd type of chivalry (getting the door for me does have limits). And then I saw the guy follow her in. And I was blown away. Seriously?!<br />
<br />
We ordered our food. We got our food. We started eating our food. We saw an employee go to the bathroom, see it was locked, and leave. Then a few minutes later we saw another woman go to the bathroom, see it was locked, knock, and then stand there and wait. She was surprised when the door opened.<br />
<br />
The couple started to head out when the guy suggested they get something to eat. How nice of him. Till I noticed that she was the one pulling out a wallet and not him.<br />
<br />
Later just before we left, when I was finally using the bathroom, my husband overheard a snippet of conversation between the couple. He heard the guy say "she's trying to revoke my parole."<br />
<br />
Yup. Classy couple there.Roxiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02798242755273465376noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-41630062606119731382013-01-03T13:15:00.000-07:002013-01-03T13:15:04.043-07:00Doppleganger Problems<img align="left" hspace="5" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivWCot2tHPyqnjV0cx1CxJIYQtb6dgMgPyc0SUyz8lijdwb0MTnrZ8LUKE3_5xLoOBZ1hCCkHEJG9wcG1yx2vcD9Maazh-5ZBjhuVSKNahfxiC5605lz43hTGx16MseY5ZpQJrfsw1Jzw/s220/27.jpg" />We like watching the TV show "Parenthood." It has started a lot of conversations as we examine where their conversations went wrong, what they maybe should've said, what we'd say in that situation, and how we'd handle the problems that come up. But I've had one rather large problem with the show - one of the actors is a dead ringer for an ex of mine, and that ex isn't a happy story.<br />
<br />
Seeing Jason Ritter, who thankfully plays a medium role rather than a large one, when he has facial hair, is a haunting ghost of my past.<br />
<br />
To add to my cognitive dissonance, the character he plays is real stand-up respectable character who is thoughtful and mature. And while the ex had moments of that, overall, the experience was the opposite. So seeing that look with those qualities is just weird to me.<br />
<br />
Anyone else have doppleganger problems like that?Roxiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02798242755273465376noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-30366582288857592202012-11-30T22:01:00.001-07:002012-11-30T22:01:35.353-07:00Temporary MadnessLove is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.<br />
<br />
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.<br />
<br />
Louis De Bernieres <br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6cFRp06PnntL0dCnj3rhhQODGTAbsfVoSr02Ehao87G64pgDHyOcp52WNPJjhWhPQW3zX3tRJMg9I-phdn8yGU6b62g5E7IsFgvDiUOExXtHKYRy2GKawBevZhbHP1Ew-4fxK48veqLk/s640/blogger-image--1805602563.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6cFRp06PnntL0dCnj3rhhQODGTAbsfVoSr02Ehao87G64pgDHyOcp52WNPJjhWhPQW3zX3tRJMg9I-phdn8yGU6b62g5E7IsFgvDiUOExXtHKYRy2GKawBevZhbHP1Ew-4fxK48veqLk/s640/blogger-image--1805602563.jpg" /></a></div>Jinxiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10134218984402450077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-63131529781474012972012-11-29T16:29:00.000-07:002012-11-29T16:29:59.878-07:00Trust<img align="left" hspace="5" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivWCot2tHPyqnjV0cx1CxJIYQtb6dgMgPyc0SUyz8lijdwb0MTnrZ8LUKE3_5xLoOBZ1hCCkHEJG9wcG1yx2vcD9Maazh-5ZBjhuVSKNahfxiC5605lz43hTGx16MseY5ZpQJrfsw1Jzw/s220/27.jpg" />Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could trust people with your vulnerabilities? Especially people who are close to you? When we hit the point where I could completely break down from stress, exhaustion, heart break, in front of my husband, that was a huge moment. Over the last two years we've had some REALLY rough times and being able to trust each other with those vulnerabilities has been key.<br />
<br />
When I'm meeting new people I'll test them. I'll share a minor vulnerability with them, or a small piece of me, and see what they do with it. If they treat it with respect then I'll see what they do with another piece. I don't open myself up completely with all my ins and outs at the first. I've met people who do that, and they are awkward.<br />
<br />
Family should always be a safe place. Family should always be one of those safe places to share your vulnerabilities.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately I've recently discovered that isn't always the case. We have told those very close to us that we're expecting a baby, but there is one family member we have not told. And it's because of what they've done with the years of related vulnerabilities we've shared. They politicized them.<br />
<br />
Despite what certain groups and outspoken individuals might say/have said, my uterus is not a place to make political statements. And especially not by people who should be protecting me.<br />
<br />
I don't mind if this family member finds out that I'm pregnant. We aren't keeping it from him. But he has not earned our trust enough to find out directly from us. And that makes part of me sad.Roxiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02798242755273465376noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-76635312451128095522012-11-28T21:53:00.000-07:002012-11-28T21:53:03.419-07:00I promise...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbw_BaN4syXqHgdm11mn_JQ_zUjo3PdqKggVoBEDImjTtJG7uEeFRhtQUhErsN1q1KffGyITOXRvXcMsItFP0DxWBHGVnFIuWJ2ryWw37NX_cqFa9asNihJjseVz0ukUyz5k3oA6BfbfKj/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><br /></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbw_BaN4syXqHgdm11mn_JQ_zUjo3PdqKggVoBEDImjTtJG7uEeFRhtQUhErsN1q1KffGyITOXRvXcMsItFP0DxWBHGVnFIuWJ2ryWw37NX_cqFa9asNihJjseVz0ukUyz5k3oA6BfbfKj/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbw_BaN4syXqHgdm11mn_JQ_zUjo3PdqKggVoBEDImjTtJG7uEeFRhtQUhErsN1q1KffGyITOXRvXcMsItFP0DxWBHGVnFIuWJ2ryWw37NX_cqFa9asNihJjseVz0ukUyz5k3oA6BfbfKj/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" /></a>Last night I had no fewer than three people ask me if I'm seeing anyone. It kind of made me laugh, because I know they just want me to be happy and they think I'm worth dating. I'm usually not offended when people wonder about my love life. One of them, a dear elderly man, said he couldn't understand why I wasn't married yet. He said I was attractive, talented, and smart; I smiled and thanked him and told him I would definitely let him know when I started dating someone.<br />
<br />
When I get engaged, I want everyone in the world to know it. I want them to know that it was worth the wait and all the prayers and tears and questions. I also want them to know that it is better to be single than to be in a rotten relationship.<br />
<br />
I want everyone to see my engagement ring. I know engagement rings have a controversial history, but I want one. I want a visible symbol of love and commitment, but when it comes down to it, I'll be happy with something very simple like a plain band. I want to marry someone observant and thoughtful enough to ignore convention and not be pressured into buying a big diamond just because everyone says he has to. I want to marry someone who wants to buy me pretty things. <br />
<br />
Let's be honest, though, I do want a really sparkly ring. And I WILL show it off every chance I get.Trixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06335132418165567922noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-38316483658798031802012-11-27T13:18:00.000-07:002012-11-27T13:18:36.838-07:00What to wear?<img align="left" hspace="5" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivWCot2tHPyqnjV0cx1CxJIYQtb6dgMgPyc0SUyz8lijdwb0MTnrZ8LUKE3_5xLoOBZ1hCCkHEJG9wcG1yx2vcD9Maazh-5ZBjhuVSKNahfxiC5605lz43hTGx16MseY5ZpQJrfsw1Jzw/s220/27.jpg" />There is a part of the wedding day that pretty much nobody talks about. There's a whole industry to sell brides something to wear after they take off their wedding dress, but what about the groom? Is it because I wasn't a groom that I didn't see any of that industry? Except there really isn't an industry to tell grooms anything but, "show up and keep the bride happy" for weddings. Which is a whole other topic.<br />
<br />
Before we got married, we actually compared preferences in women's stuff, which led me to ask him what he was going to wear that night, because it suddenly occurred to me that nobody ever talks about that. I won't say what his hilarious suggestion was or what he actually ended up with. But you'd think there would be more discussion about some kind of transition between wedding day and wedding night for all parties involved.Roxiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02798242755273465376noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-76829607017546859252012-11-26T18:45:00.002-07:002012-11-26T18:45:43.978-07:00Dear Santa:<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYGk9StmxElhqz-vpRPmNzi-iJiPgnUFH1xKAjwlLFWl7EGXrlMTxHbtpF6NeT_UZHtGNUEoJdv5lZXXcsjTvgVaq0Oxnoyl6kZPTHr0EUzbDYCWeKUI02BHrRwtZw5HEgKf1fhPl5bBB7/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><br /></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYGk9StmxElhqz-vpRPmNzi-iJiPgnUFH1xKAjwlLFWl7EGXrlMTxHbtpF6NeT_UZHtGNUEoJdv5lZXXcsjTvgVaq0Oxnoyl6kZPTHr0EUzbDYCWeKUI02BHrRwtZw5HEgKf1fhPl5bBB7/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYGk9StmxElhqz-vpRPmNzi-iJiPgnUFH1xKAjwlLFWl7EGXrlMTxHbtpF6NeT_UZHtGNUEoJdv5lZXXcsjTvgVaq0Oxnoyl6kZPTHr0EUzbDYCWeKUI02BHrRwtZw5HEgKf1fhPl5bBB7/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" /></a>I'm really excited that Christmas is coming up, and I'm looking forward to seeing family and friends and doing things like baking cookies and going to Jinxie's wedding reception. I love the lights and the food and the music. I love the story of Christ's birth and the chance we have to celebrate that with a lot of other people. I like Christmas movies and cheesy TV specials and snowflakes and red and green. I think everything should be covered in glitter, and there should be snow on the ground for your sleigh. I feel like Buddy the Elf when I think about Christmas decorations and reindeer!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
As it is right now, I have a lot of enthusiasm for the season, but I tell you what: it would be easier to be enthusiastic if I was in a relationship. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I've been a good girl this year, so I hope you bring me what I want. Say hello to Mrs. Claus and the elves for me!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Love, Trixie</div>
<u><span style="color: #0066cc;"></span></u><br />Trixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06335132418165567922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-8658202957431286422012-11-24T22:45:00.000-07:002012-11-24T22:45:07.432-07:00Adoration<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGYMd1msC9bP09Id7TFt5qiSj7lz-mzVfPMRw-uZZ261nNG_9okoJy95p0CMq1jUIPe5Zd0-eBzelUirvBvzBUTEeNwy6lsCnerK4FJrRMWTnITUgDxvOzrgNZuw4H4iH05HZSsXeXG3FQ/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><br /></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGYMd1msC9bP09Id7TFt5qiSj7lz-mzVfPMRw-uZZ261nNG_9okoJy95p0CMq1jUIPe5Zd0-eBzelUirvBvzBUTEeNwy6lsCnerK4FJrRMWTnITUgDxvOzrgNZuw4H4iH05HZSsXeXG3FQ/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGYMd1msC9bP09Id7TFt5qiSj7lz-mzVfPMRw-uZZ261nNG_9okoJy95p0CMq1jUIPe5Zd0-eBzelUirvBvzBUTEeNwy6lsCnerK4FJrRMWTnITUgDxvOzrgNZuw4H4iH05HZSsXeXG3FQ/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" /></a>Speaking of things that hit you sideways, <a href="http://wewontsay.blogspot.com/2009/05/secrets.html" target="_blank">Campbell</a> got married a few months ago. We'd been good friends for a few years, and then <a href="http://wewontsay.blogspot.com/2011/05/disappointed.html" target="_blank">early last year</a> he kind of fell off the planet. He was there for me when my engagement broke up, and I was there for him when the same thing happened to him. I always felt safe with him, safe and appreciated, so it was hard <a href="http://wewontsay.blogspot.com/2011/08/things-i-wont-say.html" target="_blank">when I realized</a> we were never going to get married. I still wonder why, but I got some clarity talking to his cousin this past spring. The conversation started out awkwardly but eased up as we went along; she was concerned about how I was taking the news of his engagement and I felt I could trust her, so I told her it had been a little difficult. She said that she and her husband had wondered why Campbell had never dated me; apparently, he talked about me all the time. In her words, he adored me. Why, then, didn't he choose me? <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
My silent, agonizing question was answered as his cousin went on about his fiancee: she needed to be rescued. Campbell's fiancee had been married before, to an abusive and manipulative man, and she needed to be rescued from that trauma. One thing I know for sure about Campbell is that he would NEVER hurt a woman. He is incredibly protective--protective to the point of doing violence to another person. When he found out more details about what my ex-fiance had done, he told me that he was willing to break my ex's nose if he started bothering me again. Another time, we were talking and when another man walked past and gave me a leer that I didn't notice, Campbell put his arm around me and glared at the guy until he stopped looking at me. I'm not the biggest fan of violence, but it is nice to feel protected when you're with someone.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Campbell needs to be the hero, and Mrs. Campbell needed a hero. I'm glad she found such a good one. I don't need anyone to rescue me from a bad situation anymore (although it would be nice if someone out there had an extra $200K to give us), but I really want to be adored by someone. Adored enough that he wants to be with me and no one else. Thanks to Campbell, at least I know I'm worthy of that kind of love, loyalty, and respect.</div>
Trixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06335132418165567922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-49366925863452191112012-11-23T14:15:00.000-07:002012-11-23T14:15:12.379-07:00Strange gratitude<img align="left" hspace="5" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivWCot2tHPyqnjV0cx1CxJIYQtb6dgMgPyc0SUyz8lijdwb0MTnrZ8LUKE3_5xLoOBZ1hCCkHEJG9wcG1yx2vcD9Maazh-5ZBjhuVSKNahfxiC5605lz43hTGx16MseY5ZpQJrfsw1Jzw/s220/27.jpg" />After almost 3 years, countless prayers, the biggest test of our faith and hope we've had yet, I must say how truly grateful I am for:<br />
<ul><li>constipation</li>
<li>exhaustion</li>
<li>congestion</li>
<li>insane itching</li>
<li>2am bathroom visits</li>
<li>morning sickness</li>
<li>pants that don’t fit</li>
<li>shots and science</li></ul>It still seems so unreal.Roxiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02798242755273465376noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-69836029837152449152012-11-22T17:28:00.002-07:002012-11-22T17:28:31.400-07:00Grateful<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbw_BaN4syXqHgdm11mn_JQ_zUjo3PdqKggVoBEDImjTtJG7uEeFRhtQUhErsN1q1KffGyITOXRvXcMsItFP0DxWBHGVnFIuWJ2ryWw37NX_cqFa9asNihJjseVz0ukUyz5k3oA6BfbfKj/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><br /></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbw_BaN4syXqHgdm11mn_JQ_zUjo3PdqKggVoBEDImjTtJG7uEeFRhtQUhErsN1q1KffGyITOXRvXcMsItFP0DxWBHGVnFIuWJ2ryWw37NX_cqFa9asNihJjseVz0ukUyz5k3oA6BfbfKj/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbw_BaN4syXqHgdm11mn_JQ_zUjo3PdqKggVoBEDImjTtJG7uEeFRhtQUhErsN1q1KffGyITOXRvXcMsItFP0DxWBHGVnFIuWJ2ryWw37NX_cqFa9asNihJjseVz0ukUyz5k3oA6BfbfKj/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" /></a>I felt at the beginning of this year that some major changes were going to happen in my life. Now, toward the end, and on a day of gratitude, I can look back and see what they are. It's been a difficult year in many ways, but I'm grateful for what I've learned. I'm grateful to be able to look around my neighborhood and see families gathered together in warm houses, the yellow lights in the windows reflecting the sunset. I'm grateful that, although it has problems and should be replaced soon, my car has a good engine and brakes and is paid for. I'm grateful I have my own tools. I'm grateful that I can help my family, both financially and emotionally. I'm grateful I can pay tithing and know that those funds aren't being abused. I'm grateful for my soft heart and generous spirit--I cry over animals I've never met, and I always wish I could give more than I can. I'm grateful for my family. We don't always get along (my youngest sister isn't talking to my oldest brother right now, and it's hard) but I know that through the sealing power we can be together forever.<br />
<br />
Most of all, though, I'm grateful for the constant reminders that my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me and know who I am. I don't always understand why They want me to do certain things, but I know there are good reasons and if I do those things, I will be blessed. I'm grateful I can feel God's hand guiding me daily, and that I know Jesus Christ died to redeem me from my sins.<br />
<br />
Life is good.Trixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06335132418165567922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-21039307772566497912012-11-21T19:55:00.001-07:002012-11-21T19:55:43.266-07:00Godly LoveThe love of which the Lord speaks is not only physical attraction, but also faith, confidence, understanding, and partnership. It is devotion and companionship, parenthood, common ideals and standards. It is cleanliness of life and sacrifice and unselfishness. This kind of love never tires nor wanes. It lives on through sickness and sorrow, through prosperity and privation, through accomplishment and disappointment, through time and eternity.<br />
<br />
-Spencer W. Kimball<br />
<br />
This year, I am thankful for having this kind of love with Roscoe. <br />
Jinxiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10134218984402450077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-17303802207989477862012-11-20T18:06:00.002-07:002012-11-24T22:47:23.073-07:00Sideways<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGYMd1msC9bP09Id7TFt5qiSj7lz-mzVfPMRw-uZZ261nNG_9okoJy95p0CMq1jUIPe5Zd0-eBzelUirvBvzBUTEeNwy6lsCnerK4FJrRMWTnITUgDxvOzrgNZuw4H4iH05HZSsXeXG3FQ/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><br /></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGYMd1msC9bP09Id7TFt5qiSj7lz-mzVfPMRw-uZZ261nNG_9okoJy95p0CMq1jUIPe5Zd0-eBzelUirvBvzBUTEeNwy6lsCnerK4FJrRMWTnITUgDxvOzrgNZuw4H4iH05HZSsXeXG3FQ/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGYMd1msC9bP09Id7TFt5qiSj7lz-mzVfPMRw-uZZ261nNG_9okoJy95p0CMq1jUIPe5Zd0-eBzelUirvBvzBUTEeNwy6lsCnerK4FJrRMWTnITUgDxvOzrgNZuw4H4iH05HZSsXeXG3FQ/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" /></a>I've discovered, in my old age, that there is nothing that can adequately prepare you for being single in your late 30s. Sure, I know people who went through this and are single in their 60s or 70s, and I'm sure nothing has prepared them for that. This whole thing is really hard some days. I got through my 20s single, and maybe I just stopped thinking about how hard it was, how weird it is to hear someone talking about their neice or friend who "got married later, you know, at 26". Just TRY not to smile a little when you hear that and you're well past 26! It's not as though you wake up every day and say to yourself, "man, it's going to be hard out there today because I'm single and almost 40!" You just kind of live your life, and in the course of living your life, you don't really think about how hard it is being single until something blindsides you.<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div align="left">
For instance, I have friends from high school who are preparing their sons for missions earlier than they thought because of the recent age change that was announced. These women are my age, and their sons are going to be on missions in a year. Less than a year, some of them. I'm old enough to be helping a son prepare, but I don't have a son. Here's another one: some of these friends may have grandchildren the same age as my children, if I'm lucky enough to have kids in this life. Try imagining that when you are 15 years old and thinking about what your future will be like! One more: One of my friends was talking about how hard it was to send her youngest child to kindergarten. I said, "Oh, I might be peri-menopausal when I send my <em>oldest </em>to kindergarten--think about dealing with those hormones!" We got a good laugh out of that, but it's a definite probability.</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
The other day at the hardware store, I saw a man I was good friends with in high school and during my first stint in college. I didn't say hello because it completely unnerved me to see him with two small boys. I knew he was married and was pretty sure he had kids, but seeing him interact with those adorable boys was gut-wrenching for some reason, so I pretty much ran away, unable to talk to him. It unnerved me so much that I had to pray about WHY I was reacting so vehemently, and then I spent a couple of hours Facebook-stalking him and his wife to find out what their family life was like. I found out how many kids they have, that she's had some major health problems recently, and that, judging from their family pictures, he loves her more than anything. I'm sure that next time I see him, I will be able to greet him happily, get to know his kids' names, and tell his wife how much his friendship meant to me when I was younger.</div>
<div align="left">
</div>
<div align="left">
After lots of thinking, I've decided the reason I was so freaked out at seeing him is that, at 17, I set him up as the ideal man. When he got back from his mission and we were in college choir together, he was even more the ideal--kind, generous, smart, talented, grounded, respectful, spiritual, and someone who loved and respected women. When I think of all the men I've known, only two come to mind as men who truly love and completely respect women. Aaron is one of them. After 20 years, he is still an ideal. Seeing him interact so gently with his boys, and seeing, in pictures, what a fun dad he is and the incredible love he has for his wife, I can't help being happy that they found each other and have such a lovely family. More than ever, I want to marry someone like him. I think that's what blindsided me so hard that day; I know what I want, but finding him is getting harder.</div>
<br />
<div align="left">
</div>
<br />Trixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06335132418165567922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-43078152703429378572012-11-19T17:04:00.000-07:002012-11-19T17:04:07.730-07:00Not putting things off<img align="left" hspace="5" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivWCot2tHPyqnjV0cx1CxJIYQtb6dgMgPyc0SUyz8lijdwb0MTnrZ8LUKE3_5xLoOBZ1hCCkHEJG9wcG1yx2vcD9Maazh-5ZBjhuVSKNahfxiC5605lz43hTGx16MseY5ZpQJrfsw1Jzw/s220/27.jpg" />I am grateful I got married when I did for many reasons. While I was single I had a career. I changed careers. I did a bit of traveling. I took classes and learned new things. I tried out new talents. I met fascinating people. I learned who I am.<br />
<br />
I did not put off marriage so I could do those things. But rather I did not put off life simply because I wasn't married.<br />
<br />
I'm still not putting off life. There's just someone else in it now.Roxiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02798242755273465376noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-16910684758905180952012-11-18T20:54:00.001-07:002012-11-18T20:54:18.909-07:00For time and all eternity<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
In one month from today, Roscoe and I will be entering the temple to sealed for time and all eternity. Forever! What a blessing!<br />
<br />
From the <a href="https://www.lds.org/church/temples/why-we-build-temples/what-happens-in-temples?lang=eng">church website about temples</a>:<br />
<br />
<br />
<h3 style="background-color: #f9f6ed; border: 0px; color: #3c424e; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 18px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 20px; margin: 30px 0px 10px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
Sealing</h3>
<div style="background-color: #f9f6ed; border: 0px; color: #2f393a; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'Lucida Sans', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
Another temple ordinance is the sealing ordinance, in which husbands and wives are sealed to each other and children are sealed to their parents in eternal families. This means that if we are faithful to our covenants, our family relationships will continue for eternity. People sometimes also refer to this ordinance as “temple marriage” or “eternal marriage.”</div>
<div style="background-color: #f9f6ed; border: 0px; margin-bottom: 20px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
This is the kind of marriage I have always wanted and I'm so happy to have found someone who will enter into that covenant with me! </div>
</div>
Jinxiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10134218984402450077noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-50408993120393485682012-11-17T06:29:00.000-07:002012-11-17T06:29:00.033-07:00If you're happy and you know it<img align="left" hspace="5" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivWCot2tHPyqnjV0cx1CxJIYQtb6dgMgPyc0SUyz8lijdwb0MTnrZ8LUKE3_5xLoOBZ1hCCkHEJG9wcG1yx2vcD9Maazh-5ZBjhuVSKNahfxiC5605lz43hTGx16MseY5ZpQJrfsw1Jzw/s220/27.jpg" />Wisdom from <a href="http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2012-02-10" target="_blank">Dilbert</a>.<br />
<br />
Marriage won't make you happy. You have to do that on your own. You can never let your happiness depend on the actions of somebody else because you can never choose their actions. Sure, being single sucks some times, a lot of times. But that doesn't mean you get to be all depressed and woe is me about it. Depressed, boring, uninteresting people are never attractive.<br />
<br />
For all the trouble Dilbert has with his dating life, at least he's got that point figured out.Roxiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02798242755273465376noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-50226279250536083122012-11-16T22:30:00.001-07:002012-11-16T22:30:53.620-07:00Improvement<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbw_BaN4syXqHgdm11mn_JQ_zUjo3PdqKggVoBEDImjTtJG7uEeFRhtQUhErsN1q1KffGyITOXRvXcMsItFP0DxWBHGVnFIuWJ2ryWw37NX_cqFa9asNihJjseVz0ukUyz5k3oA6BfbfKj/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><br /></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbw_BaN4syXqHgdm11mn_JQ_zUjo3PdqKggVoBEDImjTtJG7uEeFRhtQUhErsN1q1KffGyITOXRvXcMsItFP0DxWBHGVnFIuWJ2ryWw37NX_cqFa9asNihJjseVz0ukUyz5k3oA6BfbfKj/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbw_BaN4syXqHgdm11mn_JQ_zUjo3PdqKggVoBEDImjTtJG7uEeFRhtQUhErsN1q1KffGyITOXRvXcMsItFP0DxWBHGVnFIuWJ2ryWw37NX_cqFa9asNihJjseVz0ukUyz5k3oA6BfbfKj/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" /></a>I keep forgetting to blog, so I'm glad I have a reminder in my calendar for this little project. I've been thinking about how hard it is for me to find something to talk about on here. I want to avoid being overly whiny, because there are enough whiny singles blogs out there. I want to avoid being overly prideful, because there are enough "look at me!" blogs out there. So, between those two limits, I find myself thinking I don't have much to day. In my real life, I'm not overly whiny or prideful--I don't complain about being single because, really, there's not much I can do about it (and don't suggest online dating, because I always feel like throwing up just thinking about it) besides keep doing what I'm doing and have faith that everything is happening the way it needs to. I don't think I'm all that awesome; maybe I have a certain cool factor because I do what I like and buy myself pretty things and don't get all hung up on what people are thinking about me, but I got here after a very long journey through years of depression and self-doubt.<br />
<br />
My life is work and family. The last time I went on a date was when I went to lunch with Ken back in August, and I paid. I get involved in hobbies and projects, and I flirt when I can, but mostly I try to make people comfortable and happy. I don't go to work looking for dates (and would NEVER date anyone I've met at my new job--all the single guys are too short or too awkward), I don't go to a singles ward, and I avoid singles activities with all my might. So I work, I occasionally go to lunch with some of the other women there, and I come home and hang out with my family, or I don't come home and instead work on outisde projects with fun people. The goal of my social interaction is not to find a husband, but to do something challenging and meet like-minded people. I'm sure there are people out there who would say I'm wrong to take my focus off husband-hunting, but it feels right to do things that make me happy. I don't buy into "The Secret" and I refuse to compete with 20-year-olds, so I usually end up doing my own thing and enjoying myself. In fact, I enjoy my time a lot more when I'm not constantly worried about whether or not someone approves of what I'm doing. I think God approves, and that's enough for me.<br />
<br />
Do I want to get married? Heck yes I do! But I'm not going to force anything or anyone. I've prayed about this, and the answer I almost always get is "hang on, he's coming." So I do my thing, find happiness in my family and friends, and try to be my best self. When it's right, it'll happen. Until then (and probably even after), I'll be looking for a tap dancing class to take.Trixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06335132418165567922noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-5265024881964124542012-11-15T21:12:00.001-07:002012-11-15T21:12:49.628-07:00Us TwoBy A. A. Milne<br />
<br />
Wherever I am, there's always Pooh,<br />
There's always Pooh and Me.<br />
Whatever I do, he wants to do,<br />
"Where are you going today?" says Pooh:<br />
"Well, that's very odd 'cos I was too.<br />
Let's go together," says Pooh, says he.<br />
"Let's go together," says Pooh.<br />
<br />
"What's twice eleven?" I said to Pooh.<br />
("Twice what?" said Pooh to Me.)<br />
"I think it ought to be twenty-two."<br />
"Just what I think myself," said Pooh.<br />
"It wasn't an easy sum to do,<br />
But that's what it is," said Pooh, said he.<br />
"That's what it is," said Pooh.<br />
<br />
"Let's look for dragons," I said to Pooh.<br />
"Yes, let's," said Pooh to Me.<br />
We crossed the river and found a few-<br />
"Yes, those are dragons all right," said Pooh.<br />
"As soon as I saw their beaks I knew.<br />
That's what they are," said Pooh, said he.<br />
"That's what they are," said Pooh.<br />
<br />
"Let's frighten the dragons," I said to Pooh.<br />
"That's right," said Pooh to Me.<br />
"I'm not afraid," I said to Pooh,<br />
And I held his paw and I shouted "Shoo!<br />
Silly old dragons!"- and off they flew.<br />
<br />
"I wasn't afraid," said Pooh, said he,<br />
"I'm never afraid with you." <br />
<br />
So wherever I am, there's always Pooh,<br />
There's always Pooh and Me.<br />
"What would I do?" I said to Pooh,<br />
"If it wasn't for you," and Pooh said: "True,<br />
It isn't much fun for One, but Two,<br />
Can stick together, says Pooh, says he. "That's how it is," says Pooh.Jinxiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10134218984402450077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-26015295850659167272012-11-14T05:31:00.000-07:002012-11-14T05:31:00.141-07:00Love me for me<img align="left" hspace="5" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivWCot2tHPyqnjV0cx1CxJIYQtb6dgMgPyc0SUyz8lijdwb0MTnrZ8LUKE3_5xLoOBZ1hCCkHEJG9wcG1yx2vcD9Maazh-5ZBjhuVSKNahfxiC5605lz43hTGx16MseY5ZpQJrfsw1Jzw/s220/27.jpg" />Three years ago today I got married. And no, I still don't have him "trained." I married him because I love who he is, not because of who I could make him to be. He married me because he loves who I am, not because of what he could change me into. We are a good <a href="http://www.storypeople.com/storypeople/WebStory.do?action=Show&storyInSearch=1&storyID=4321&newIndex=0&startIndex=0#.UKBCcGeRaGc" title="Story People: Love Match" target="_blank">love match</a>.<br />
<br />
We've both changed and grown in the last three years, although I'm a little too close to the action to be able to identify those changes. But it hasn't been a result of coercion or manipulation. It is the result of simply living life and adjusting to this new life we are creating.<br />
<br />
Being loved for who you are is all any of us want, and that extends beyond marriage. Our parents love us for who we are not who they wish we were. Our friends, if they are good friends, love us for who we are. Is it really love if they are loving you for who you aren't?Roxiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02798242755273465376noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-64250624684296672932012-11-13T20:34:00.003-07:002012-11-13T20:35:05.669-07:00Choosing to marry as an introvert<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6U3shk98M_ye8paYkbhwPkxueqNHImPJaydhydF8dfsv4ufdnQM8H6lFMZ6Ukbztw_n0m7tA4V-KaSx96IGY-JoQZS0tQ8qxqJZ56qufYO9c1AkL_rWfkEhQ089gsocTQgdW9p5PQ_mY/s1600-h/dulcet_darla.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5427918497936065490" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6U3shk98M_ye8paYkbhwPkxueqNHImPJaydhydF8dfsv4ufdnQM8H6lFMZ6Ukbztw_n0m7tA4V-KaSx96IGY-JoQZS0tQ8qxqJZ56qufYO9c1AkL_rWfkEhQ089gsocTQgdW9p5PQ_mY/s400/dulcet_darla.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; float: left; height: 100px; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; width: 75px;" /></a>Once upon a time, both Roxie and I shared our thoughts about relationships and introversion. My thoughts are <a href="http://wewontsay.blogspot.com/2010/11/dating-as-introvert.html">here</a>, Roxie's are <a href="http://wewontsay.blogspot.com/2010/09/confession-im-heathen.html">here</a>.<br />
<br />
Before I met Roscoe, I was worried about how I would make the transition from interminably single to married. Since I am older and more set in my ways than your average Mormon child bride, I was worried about that too. Roscoe and I remember talking at the beginning of our relationship about how I might want to go off and do my own thing and get space once in a while. I had hope that I would be able to let someone into my life, especially permanently, without having a "people hangover", but I didn't know how that was going to happen.<br />
<br />
Well, as Roxie has been telling for a while now, when there is love and choice in the matter, it's a lot easier than you think! Roscoe and I see each other EVERY day. I can't remember the last time I didn't see him at some point during our day.<br />
<br />
And I can't get enough of him.<br />
<br />
It helps a LOT that he is an introvert as well, has similar social behavior to my own when we're out at church or with friends and is perfectly content doing his own thing when we're just us and one of us has something we need to accomplish, though we spend our mutual leisure time doing the same activity.<br />
<br />
Right now, we're in our huge apartment together, with triple the square footage of the apartment we spent the majority of our courtship in, and there might be an inch between us on the couch. He's doing his project for the evening and I'm doing mine. We lightly touch the other (he just rubbed the back of his hand on my leg) or request a kiss or talk as we are so moved to, but, if anything, we're feeding off each other's presence without draining the other's energy.<br />
<br />
It might be different when we're seeing each other in the mornings too, but on the occasions where we are practically together from waking up to going to sleep (mostly Saturdays and Sundays), I still don't get tired of being around him, and I can't say that for the vast majority of people I know. Especially not many days in a row.<br />
<br />
We considered it a sign that after 10 days of traveling to meet each other's families and being practically inseparable during that time we didn't want to part ways when our trip was over and go back to our own homes, even though we knew we'd see each other the next evening. We never fought once during that trip and didn't need to take "space".<br />
<br />
It's awesome and certainly better than I might have hoped!</div>
Jinxiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10134218984402450077noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2634981752288715447.post-83157704621900786662012-11-12T22:13:00.002-07:002012-11-12T22:13:36.445-07:00It's just fine...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbw_BaN4syXqHgdm11mn_JQ_zUjo3PdqKggVoBEDImjTtJG7uEeFRhtQUhErsN1q1KffGyITOXRvXcMsItFP0DxWBHGVnFIuWJ2ryWw37NX_cqFa9asNihJjseVz0ukUyz5k3oA6BfbfKj/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbw_BaN4syXqHgdm11mn_JQ_zUjo3PdqKggVoBEDImjTtJG7uEeFRhtQUhErsN1q1KffGyITOXRvXcMsItFP0DxWBHGVnFIuWJ2ryWw37NX_cqFa9asNihJjseVz0ukUyz5k3oA6BfbfKj/s1600/cz_pink_heart.jpg" /></a></div>
Things that I've decided are just fine:<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Being annoyed at men my age for dating 20-year-olds</div>
<div>
Having lots of pretty nail polish (including black)</div>
<div>
Preferring amusing sheets instead of boring solid colors</div>
<div>
Being annoyed at single women my age who have given up</div>
<div>
Not wearing makeup every day</div>
<div>
Watching cartoons</div>
<div>
Wanting to have a bright pink bathroom</div>
<div>
Liking lamps</div>
<div>
Buying things just because they're pretty</div>
<div>
Knowing a lot about my car</div>
<div>
Being annoyed when I get a runny nose</div>
<div>
Peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches</div>
<div>
Leftover squash for breakfast...followed by dry cereal</div>
<div>
Colored ceilings</div>
<div>
Being mad about those 20 extra pounds even though everyone says I don't need to lose weight</div>
<div>
Missing the family dog who died over 20 years ago</div>
<div>
Not having a problem with Barbie<br />Having a problem with Bratz dolls</div>
<div>
Knowing that my kids might be the same age as my friends' grandkids</div>
<div>
Somehow being at peace with my life even though society tells me I shouldn't be</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Not worrying too much about getting married.</div>
Trixiehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06335132418165567922noreply@blogger.com0