Thursday, March 31, 2011

Way to go, Slick

Remember how I met someone and was annoyed by my coworker's comments and then never said anything on the matter again? Sorry about that.

It's true though. I did meet someone. It was, of course, when I least expected it - at an industry event and I was certainly not in flirt mode. I was networking my face off when we met, which is why we actually met, but a few hours after our first encounter, we were almost inseparable for the next few days of meetings. I still wasn't even sure whether I was making a new friend or business contact or what, because while we did flirt a little, it certainly wasn't overt and we were spending most of our time at this work event. We were mostly just talking about our industry, about our common interests not related to work, and laughing throughout, and I really wasn't even analyzing it too much. That, of course, changed when he kissed me.

I like kissing.

Unfortunately, the day after our last meeting, we had to go our separate ways, at least physically. We live in different states, sadly, and our event had been in neither of our states.

We kept talking though. And flirting. LOTS of flirting. This time it was overt, and we'd said that we didn't want to just write off our time in person. We got in deep in some our discussions, because of our shared background, which is actually something that started the day we first met. There aren't too many cocktails parties I start talking about the temple with someone I've only known for seven hours. Not only do we do the same thing for work, but we were both raised LDS. I'm from The Homeland; he went to school in The Homeland.

Though we never talked on the phone, we chatted and texted almost every day, and it was just nice and thoroughly enjoyable. We kept being surprised by even really obscure things we had in common.

I did get the feeling he wasn't telling me something though. I got that impression from the night we kissed. There was something he was conflicted about in regards to starting something with me, but he never really brought it up after that night and even then I was only getting it in between the things he was actually saying. Thanks to the miracle/hell of his online presence, I dug up that he was divorced, possibly even twice, once in the last few months, which is probably what he was referring to when he said he'd "just resolved a relationship" while only inches from my mouth and I wasn't going to dig deeper just at that moment. I knew he had kids, since it was right there on a profile we'd already connected on. He did tell me about his struggles in his relationship with the church and how he was still trying to figure out just what he believed.

Still, I remained cautiously optimistic. With the distance between us, things were bound to develop slowly anyway, so I figured we'd talk about things when the time was right. I am getting older after all, and I know that the chances of me finding someone completely baggage-free is decreasing.

And we were still talking.

Until three weeks ago.

We last texted on a Friday evening, even though we'd spent most of the day on IM together. I called him Sunday morning, but only left a message. He wasn't on IM the next day or any day since. By Wednesday, I texted him asking a question that was not "Um, hey, where are you?" I sent another casual text about a week later.

No response.

We were still connected though a couple different online networks though, so I thought he might just be taking a little break. That is, until I got a message last weekend via Dropbox that I left our shared folder. That is not something you can do accidentally, and I knew I didn't do it on purpose. Seriously!? Being rejected by Dropbox is not something I ever expected to have to process. We still have one other online connection, not to mention our shared professional network.

I'm really bummed, to say the least, and a lot angry. Someone I had something with has just disappeared on me. Again. Not calling after one or two dates is one thing, but after weeks of talking, flirting, and physical affection? I am so not a fan, and it's happened to me more than I'd like to admit. This guy even knew that, because we discussed it once, some weeks earlier.

Him - I can live without. As genuinely interested as I was, there were several yellow flags and the timing was probably all wrong. But to just disappear with nary a word is a cowardly way out and rather juvenile. I'd love to say something - send an email or leave a voicemail that says, I don't know, something perfect. But what would it accomplish? Probably nothing.

I'll likely run into him at our network's next gathering in about ten months. That's going to be . . . fun. . . But this isn't my fault! He clearly has things he needs to work through and he's just not ready for me and too chicken to say anything. Even something as simple as "Look, I just got divorced. I'm not ready for anything new right now. Can we still talk though?" It really was the conversations we had that made him so attractive in the first place.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep being fabulous. Someday, hopefully soon, someone is going to take the risk of jumping into something with me. I just have to keep remembering that.

But hugs and chocolate are nice right now too.

Friday, March 25, 2011

What's wrong with you that you don't date?

After my post last week about infertility, I started to think about how similar it can be in many respects to being single, especially as you approach, and pass, 30.

People might look at us and assume we don't have kids because we don't want them or because we're waiting to pay off debt or finish degrees or because I really don't want to clean out the room I'm using as a sewing room and turn it into a bedroom again or whatever other reasons they might think of.

And that's because our efforts to have children are not things we do in public (thank goodness). Nobody sees all the charting I do. Nobody sees all the months we tried on our own. Nobody sees all the doctor appointments I have now. Nobody sees all the prayers we offer, the tears I cry, or the talks we have after we turn out the lights at night and my fears suddenly find voice. They might see us exercising, or notice we take daily vitamins, or other small things. But those aren't things you automatically assume someone is doing because they are trying to get pregnant.

Now to being single.

I had a roommate once, when I was the ripe old age of 24 and she was the ripe old age of 19, and the last time I ever had roommates, ask me, "What's wrong with you that you don't date?"

I had no idea how to answer that. It's just as rude as asking a married couple, "What's wrong with you that you don't have kids?" Although I can probably come up with a snappy answer to that if you give me a second.

But being single you are doing a LOT of things that are helping you that aren't really visible to the whole world. Nobody sees you working through and living your budget. Nobody sees you learning household skills that will help you no matter what house you live in. Nobody sees you expanding your mind and talents as you develop who you are. Nobody sees the look on your face when you get home and remember there's nobody there to share your good/bad day with. Nobody sees the hours spent in the scriptures or in prayer that build your relationship with your Heavenly Father so that you can learn to fully trust Him. Probably 99% of the things a single person does to put them in the best position possible to get married are not seen by anyone.

Yet everyone is always full of "great advice" for single people. A lot of it sounds the same as the "great advice" they give infertile couples. There's, "just relax," and, "it will happen when you aren't looking/least expect it," that both of them get. There's the stories for infertile couples about how if you start looking into adoption you'll get pregnant, or for single people about how if you go to the institute dances/get online you'll meet someone just like my sister's in-law's cousin's neighbor did.

When you are single people will assume it's for all kinds of reasons - you're too picky, you're too focused on school/career, you're into porn, you're homosexual, you're.... And yet none of those reasons have to do with what is most likely the real reason - it's not the time God ordained yet. God is in charge. Let let Him do what's best.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Why I'm NOT a mom


That's the one word answer to why.

After trying for a year on our own we were officially labeled "infertile" by the medical community. I'm never one for labels, but that one really hurt. And I've shed several tears about it.

Since the beginning of 2011 I've averaged one doctor appointment a week. Sometimes I get a week off but that generally just means two the following week. Try working your schedule around that. Every week someone is poking something into me - needles, speculums, ultrasound wands. I've actually mastered the art of peeing in a cup now too.

And after all that the answer came back - unexplained. Both of us work great. But for some unexplained reason we just aren't working together.

Every prayer I offer is a plea for guidance, understanding, and peace, as well as children. I've spent nights wondering if I'm not worthy to be a mom, which I know is crazy. I've cried that I can't fulfill the commandment to "multiply and replenish the earth and have joy therein." I feel broken. Even though medically speaking I'm not.

We have told a few people what we are going through, but that number is extremely small. The last thing I need is bad advice ("just relax and it will happen", "just stop trying and it will happen"). The last thing I need is everyone asking how things are going. A few people who need to understand my schedule a bit know just that I have some health issues we're working on.

I've lost my innocence about the miracle of birth. It's no longer something that my husband and I do together. It's something that's going to involve medical equipment and sterile things and more poking. The odds of us finding out we're expecting in the quiet of the morning (with my new found peeing in a cup talents) and being able to be the only people who know and revel in that miracle for a while are pretty much zero at this point. Now it'll be more poking, a blood draw, and a phone call.

We've lost a lot so far. I'm just holding on and hoping I don't lose my faith.

And that's why I'm not a mom.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

7 Possibly Cranky Things

Roxie and Jinxie tagged me, so here goes my effort to share seven things that don't blow my cover. :)

1. I really don't understand the obsession with Diet Coke/Pepsi/Dr Pepper, chocolate, Twilight, or cute vinyl wall stickers. I just don't get it. I have my own particular set of things that, if encouraged, can develop into semi-obsessive preoccupations, but the Diet Coke thing? Meh. It's fine, I guess, and caffeine does help me focus when I'm scattered or tired, but I'm not addicted enough to it to make jokes about having my IV with me at all times. I like chocolate a lot, but I like candy in general, so I'm not some ravening PMS-y fiend who Must Have Chocolate or Someone Dies. It's nice, I'm a fan of Sees truffles and dark European chocolate, I appreciate an excellent flavor, but I can literally go months without caring one way or the other. Twilight? I tend not to jump on board anything the unwashed masses are freaking out about, which is why I didn't see Titanic (for instance) until about 3 years after it came out. They're not bad books, but they're not the best thing out there. Frankly, I got bored halfway through book 3 and haven't wanted to pick them up since; I probably won't see the films anytime soon, either.

2. Pink is my favorite color. I am completely unashamed of this. Pink has been my favorite color ever since I can remember, and my mother was of the type who didn't want her baby girl surrounded by all pink everything, so I had blue and orange and yellow and green and brown and red things. My baby blanket has red and green giraffes on it--not a speck of pink to be seen--but pink is definitely my favorite color.

3. Continuing the color thing: there isn't a color I hate. I love color, and there are some colors I don't particularly like in, say, bathrooms or kitchens, but I don't have a violent dislike of any one color.

4. I knit and crochet, and it ticks me off when someone assumes that I do those kinds of crafts so I can be a "good Mormon wife". No, I like doing it. I like working with my hands. Besides, it hasn't "caught me a husband" yet, so if I'm doing it to get married, I must be doing it all wrong. ;) I've worked with clay, metal, fiber, fabric, yarn, thread, floss, paint, and loved all of it. If I had the time and the money, I'd learn as much as I could about lapidary, weaving, spinning, metal-smithing, sewing. . . I fear I will never have the time nor the money, but I try not to dwell on it because it discourages me.

5. I really love cats. I also really love dogs. Both loves live within my heart and never fight, except that cats are relatively lower-maintenance for me than dogs are right now. And, yes, it is a deal-breaker if someone I'm interested in expresses hatred for any kind of animal. We were watching TV the other night and someone said "I'd shoot a puppy to win this competition" and I was immediately disgusted. Any attractiveness that particular person may have had was completely gone. I couldn't/wouldn't marry someone who didn't love animals.

6. I have been known to stop reading blogs that consistently have common grammar and syntax errors. Things like "further adieu" instead of "further ado" really irritate me, probably because they are such common phrases that I assume people know how to spell and/or use them correctly. There's another one I see a lot that drives me batty, but I can't remember right now. You get the idea.

7. I look younger than I am. I have people ask how long I've been back from my mission, and it makes me smile (which shows the wrinkles around my eyes, ha ha) because I didn't go on a mission and I'm too old to go now--my female friends who are on missions are sometimes the same girls I remember being BORN. How do I fool them? SPF 30 sunscreen every day unless I'm sick, really good BHA and AHA formulations (I use Paula's Choice because she knows her stuff better than anyone I've ever heard of), and not being stuck in the "I'm so old that I feel sorry for myself every day and can't wear cute socks because I'm too old for them" mindset.

I didn't say it would be short, and I didn't say it would be sweet, but I hope you've learned something about me. :)

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Found dead at home

Every so often you'll see a news story about an old person who was found dead in their house, several weeks after they died. Those stories always shake me. That someone could go that long before they are found. Because you automatically wonder how long you'd be dead before somebody found you. When I lived alone, it honestly could've been weeks. And that's just sad and scary.

While there was no news story about it, that is what happened recently to a man I knew. He lived alone. He'd never been married. And one night he fell and hit his head. They said he died instantly. But it wasn't until almost three weeks later that a family member found him. I take comfort in knowing that at least he wasn't alone and injured that whole time.

The internet is an interesting place. As this news spread among all those of us who knew him, it was very strange for me to see the responses.

This man often gave me the creeps. He was often inappropriate around me. He made me feel uncomfortable in my own home and so I asked the bishop for him to not be my home teacher any more. He kept giving me advice on what I needed to be doing to get married, which seemed a bit odd since he'd never been married himself.

But to others he was memorable for different, better reasons and he was their family's favorite home teacher.

It's strange that one person can be the source of two very different reactions. It made me wonder if I'd missed something about getting to know him. I am glad he will be remembered so positively by others.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

7 facts about Roxie

Jinxie shared seven things about her. It's always fun to get to know others. So here's mine. (this is weird doing it from an anonymous point of view)

1. I am not afraid of public speaking and I have a real hard time understanding how someone else could be. I get a real thrill out of being in front of people like that.

2. When I'm procrastinating work and study projects, my house gets real clean. The end of the semester is always a big cleaning time for me because I'd rather clean than write or grade papers. It makes me feel productive in my procrastination.

3. While I do enjoy a good foot massage, the idea of someone else trimming my toe nails fills me with a sense of dread. A pedicure would not be a treat for me. I blame this on years of ingrown toe nails while I was growing up. I haven't had one in almost ten years now because I started trimming my toe nails differently. I'm not about to let someone else mess that up for me.

4. My favorite pets are wild birds. I filled the bird feeder this afternoon and then laughed as first one, then two, then ten plus birds all started hopping around the tree to see who's turn it was at the bird feeder next. If I don't get food out there for them though, they won't die. They're smart like that.

5. I had the makings of a hoarder growing up. Getting rid of anything was extremely difficult for me. Before leaving on my mission I started cleaning out my stuff and I found I could make three piles, things I definitely wanted, things I could definitely get rid of, and things I should get rid of but couldn't. I gave that last pile to my mom and told her to take what she wanted and get rid of the rest, but at least it wasn't me getting rid of it. It's still hard for me sometimes, but I am getting better at it.

6. I'm 5'6". I've gained a net of ten pounds since I got married. I have blue eyes, brown hair, ten fingers, and ten toes.

7. Seven is my favorite number.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

7 Things - AH AH AH!

The lovely Natalie tagged us with a 7 Facts challenge! Thanks, chica! So, without further ado, here goes!

The Rules:
1. Copy the 7 Facts picture (above - the one with the sunflowers) and paste it in your blog.
2. Thank the person who tagged you. Share the bloggy love and link back to their blog.
3. Share 7 Facts about yourself. (I guess that's where the title comes from?)
4. Pass the love to 15 other bloggers.

1. I LOVE vegetables. No, really, I do! Green beans, asparagus, carrots, broccoli, and so on. I didn't love them as a kid, because what kid does? Sadly, I realize it was probably because of the way my parents prepared them. We often had the freezer bags of mixed veggies microwaved to death with whatever else we were eating. Now, I'll still do that occasionally, but I don't cook them to death and I'll usually add some herbs or something to flavor it up. I find that I prefer fresh or steamed veggies and I wonder why Mom prepped the frozen stuff so much.

2. I'm a wannabe-Francophile. I only know enough French to have gotten me through a four day trip to Paris a few years ago, but I still pretend like I know how to pronounce the French words I come across on a more daily basis like "patissierie." I listen to a surprising amount of French music and own a few French films. One of these days, I'll actually learn it for real. It's also possible I learned a lot of the French I do know from this video.

3. I have no idea how to properly care for my nails. I try, and they aren't super scary, but they could be a lot nicer.

4. I have a HUGE eyeshadow collection, but am I wearing any today? That's a negative, Ghost Rider. (Actually, I wrote this part yesterday. I'm wearing some today, March 2nd, because I sort of have a date tonight. Sort of? It's planned, paired of, and paid for. It's a date, dagnabit!)

5. I rather enjoy making faces at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I even wink at myself, because dang I look fine. Recently, I was watching something with some friends and the character on screen blew a kiss to her mirror self. The guys all said "a-HA, so that's what you girls do!" The girls responded, "No way! That's stupid." I stayed silent on the matter.

6. I think Waka Flocka Flame is a better name for a Muppet than a rapper, but, oddly enough, I also think he's kind of cute, especially when he pulls his hair back.

7. I know we try to keep ourselves anonymous around here, but if you watch the Richard Dutcher LDS-themed film Brigham City - you will see me. That's all that I'm going about that.

So, I'm going to break the rules and not really tag anyone, except my fabulous costars Trixie and Roxie!