Hanging In There

Well, it's been two weeks since the demise of my relationship with Sk8er Boi. I'll be honest, I still miss him, though it is transitioning from missing him to just missing being in something.

This is a good sign.

I still get really angry sometimes and go through all the "Why not this time? When do I get to be happy? Why does no one else notice me?" and bang my fists into my pillows. Sometimes, I still get really sad, like someone is missing.

I still want to text someone (usually him) goodnight, but who in the world wants to hear from me late at night?

I long for a hug. A good one. That neither person wants to end.

I really hate this conversation:

Well-meaning person I know: How's/Where's Sk8erBoi?

Jinxie: He's well, I'm sure/I don't know. We actually broke up.

Well-meaning person I know: Oh, I'm sorry! Why?

Jinxie: Timing.

If it's a friend, and a private conversation, maybe I'll go more into it, and maybe they already knew anyway. Acquaintances at church who met him once at a party? I'm not going into that, thankyouverymuch.

I wonder if he thinks about me.

On the bright side, I'm getting back into my usual sleeping schedule. I have more positive hours and days than not. I have some really incredible friends, and I'm glad to be spending time with them. And tonight, I might actually fold the laundry I haven't touched (other than to dig clothes out of) for weeks.

As always, I'm taking it one day at a time. Yes, the relationship was only two months (or so) long, but considering my recent (as in the last 6 years) history, that's pretty significant, and it's a real loss. I'm allowed to take some time and mourn it and get back to the business of me. Considering some other shakeups to my schedule that happened around the same time that have freed up other non-date evenings, it's no wonder I'm feeling a little lost right now. It's bizarre, since I remember what it was like to be totally single and thriving, since it was only April for heaven's sake, so why do I feel so wander-y?

It's coming. I feel the healing and the joy returning and I will take back my life. Something better is out there, and I'm on my way.

And that is a good feeling.

See ya later, boy

Well, I guess I was right to worry. Sk8er Boi apparently did spend time on his vacation thinking things through about his life and our relationship and decided we couldn't have one and he came back and we broke up. Then I got so sad that I haven't been able to eat or sleep the way I should, let alone write about it.

Short version: It sucks.

Longer version: We were an unlikely match right from the beginning. He's several years my junior and we're, appropriate to our age differences, at different places in our life and career paths - in that I have one and he doesn't - not to mention several other differences between us. Originally, and we discussed it length on our second date, we weren't concerned yet. Aware, not stupid, but not concerned. We'd take things slow and figure out just how big of a difference our differences were as they came up.

While he was soaking up sun rays, he finally realized that he's a little lost right now and doesn't know what direction to go and can't give me the time and attention I deserve while he figures it out. It's not me, he assured me repeatedly, I'm special and "not going to be just another girl" that he dated, but we can't be together right now. He still has feelings for me.

It makes sense, really. I sincerely appreciate that he had the maturity to realize that and the guts to tell me in person. I'm not even mad at him, just mad at the situation. He's the most fun I've had in a long time and the only man who's really looked at me like he did for ages. I really miss him

Maybe one day we'll get our timing right. Maybe I'll find someone else even better.

Until then, I had some wonderful friends rally around me last weekend. I've changed my hair a little. And I have three parties to attend this weekend, one full of all new (to me) people, since I only know the host.

It's going to be okay. I wish Sk8er Boi well, and know that this may the end of us, it's not the end of me.

Way to go, Slick

Remember how I met someone and was annoyed by my coworker's comments and then never said anything on the matter again? Sorry about that.

It's true though. I did meet someone. It was, of course, when I least expected it - at an industry event and I was certainly not in flirt mode. I was networking my face off when we met, which is why we actually met, but a few hours after our first encounter, we were almost inseparable for the next few days of meetings. I still wasn't even sure whether I was making a new friend or business contact or what, because while we did flirt a little, it certainly wasn't overt and we were spending most of our time at this work event. We were mostly just talking about our industry, about our common interests not related to work, and laughing throughout, and I really wasn't even analyzing it too much. That, of course, changed when he kissed me.

I like kissing.

Unfortunately, the day after our last meeting, we had to go our separate ways, at least physically. We live in different states, sadly, and our event had been in neither of our states.

We kept talking though. And flirting. LOTS of flirting. This time it was overt, and we'd said that we didn't want to just write off our time in person. We got in deep in some our discussions, because of our shared background, which is actually something that started the day we first met. There aren't too many cocktails parties I start talking about the temple with someone I've only known for seven hours. Not only do we do the same thing for work, but we were both raised LDS. I'm from The Homeland; he went to school in The Homeland.

Though we never talked on the phone, we chatted and texted almost every day, and it was just nice and thoroughly enjoyable. We kept being surprised by even really obscure things we had in common.

I did get the feeling he wasn't telling me something though. I got that impression from the night we kissed. There was something he was conflicted about in regards to starting something with me, but he never really brought it up after that night and even then I was only getting it in between the things he was actually saying. Thanks to the miracle/hell of his online presence, I dug up that he was divorced, possibly even twice, once in the last few months, which is probably what he was referring to when he said he'd "just resolved a relationship" while only inches from my mouth and I wasn't going to dig deeper just at that moment. I knew he had kids, since it was right there on a profile we'd already connected on. He did tell me about his struggles in his relationship with the church and how he was still trying to figure out just what he believed.

Still, I remained cautiously optimistic. With the distance between us, things were bound to develop slowly anyway, so I figured we'd talk about things when the time was right. I am getting older after all, and I know that the chances of me finding someone completely baggage-free is decreasing.

And we were still talking.

Until three weeks ago.

We last texted on a Friday evening, even though we'd spent most of the day on IM together. I called him Sunday morning, but only left a message. He wasn't on IM the next day or any day since. By Wednesday, I texted him asking a question that was not "Um, hey, where are you?" I sent another casual text about a week later.

No response.

We were still connected though a couple different online networks though, so I thought he might just be taking a little break. That is, until I got a message last weekend via Dropbox that I left our shared folder. That is not something you can do accidentally, and I knew I didn't do it on purpose. Seriously!? Being rejected by Dropbox is not something I ever expected to have to process. We still have one other online connection, not to mention our shared professional network.

I'm really bummed, to say the least, and a lot angry. Someone I had something with has just disappeared on me. Again. Not calling after one or two dates is one thing, but after weeks of talking, flirting, and physical affection? I am so not a fan, and it's happened to me more than I'd like to admit. This guy even knew that, because we discussed it once, some weeks earlier.

Him - I can live without. As genuinely interested as I was, there were several yellow flags and the timing was probably all wrong. But to just disappear with nary a word is a cowardly way out and rather juvenile. I'd love to say something - send an email or leave a voicemail that says, I don't know, something perfect. But what would it accomplish? Probably nothing.

I'll likely run into him at our network's next gathering in about ten months. That's going to be . . . fun. . . But this isn't my fault! He clearly has things he needs to work through and he's just not ready for me and too chicken to say anything. Even something as simple as "Look, I just got divorced. I'm not ready for anything new right now. Can we still talk though?" It really was the conversations we had that made him so attractive in the first place.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep being fabulous. Someday, hopefully soon, someone is going to take the risk of jumping into something with me. I just have to keep remembering that.

But hugs and chocolate are nice right now too.

Feelin' good

[update]

JT and his girlfriend have recently broken up, once and for all, and he's having a hard time with it. Consequently, we've been spending a lot more time together, as he needs a friend and we can see each other without stressing about how the girl is going to react. We're being very communicative, and making sure he's not rebounding with me or abusing our friendship. Minus the heartache he's experiencing, and how sad it makes me to see someone so sad, all is well between us. We're just friends, and we're good.

[/update]

Last night, JT and I were lounging on his couch and talking. He asked "How are you? Any unmet needs or concerns?"

"Not really. I'm good."

And I meant it, and it feels amazing.

Happy Holidays?

I don't think I've ever heard it called "Turkey Drop Season" before until NPR this morning ran a story called, "Want to Break Up? Tis the Season, So Better Hurry." It seems that if you are in a relationship that isn't really going anywhere, you need to break up now because otherwise you are stuck. Nobody wants to be the cad that breaks up at Christmas. And then there's the whole New Year thing. And right after that you have Valentine's Day. And I can see the point.

The only time I ever dumped a guy was right after the Thanksgiving break my freshman year at college. We'd met at college, so it wasn't a long distance thing. But having that weekend with my extended family in the area gave me time to stop and think what in the world was I doing with him. So I came back and I believe I told him we should stop seeing each other less than a week after Thanksgiving.

The one time I got dumped was right after New Year. And that sucked. Especially because he did it by telling me we should be friends, and then when I treated him like a friend, he sent me an email and told me to have a nice life. So not only did I get dumped right in the middle of the holiday season, he didn't have the guts to make it final in person and did it by email instead. I replied and told him to send me a postcard from Hades.

But then, breaking up before Christmas means you don't have to try and figure out a present for them. Guys are hard to shop for. (Related: You mean I have to do it again?) At least this year I know exactly what I'm getting for him. In fact, it's already wrapped and under the tree.