Thursday, July 7, 2011

Hanging In There

Well, it's been two weeks since the demise of my relationship with Sk8er Boi. I'll be honest, I still miss him, though it is transitioning from missing him to just missing being in something.

This is a good sign.

I still get really angry sometimes and go through all the "Why not this time? When do I get to be happy? Why does no one else notice me?" and bang my fists into my pillows. Sometimes, I still get really sad, like someone is missing.

I still want to text someone (usually him) goodnight, but who in the world wants to hear from me late at night?

I long for a hug. A good one. That neither person wants to end.

I really hate this conversation:

Well-meaning person I know: How's/Where's Sk8erBoi?

Jinxie: He's well, I'm sure/I don't know. We actually broke up.

Well-meaning person I know: Oh, I'm sorry! Why?

Jinxie: Timing.

If it's a friend, and a private conversation, maybe I'll go more into it, and maybe they already knew anyway. Acquaintances at church who met him once at a party? I'm not going into that, thankyouverymuch.

I wonder if he thinks about me.

On the bright side, I'm getting back into my usual sleeping schedule. I have more positive hours and days than not. I have some really incredible friends, and I'm glad to be spending time with them. And tonight, I might actually fold the laundry I haven't touched (other than to dig clothes out of) for weeks.

As always, I'm taking it one day at a time. Yes, the relationship was only two months (or so) long, but considering my recent (as in the last 6 years) history, that's pretty significant, and it's a real loss. I'm allowed to take some time and mourn it and get back to the business of me. Considering some other shakeups to my schedule that happened around the same time that have freed up other non-date evenings, it's no wonder I'm feeling a little lost right now. It's bizarre, since I remember what it was like to be totally single and thriving, since it was only April for heaven's sake, so why do I feel so wander-y?

It's coming. I feel the healing and the joy returning and I will take back my life. Something better is out there, and I'm on my way.

And that is a good feeling.