When I took the job, I felt very strongly that it was an answer to many prayers over several months. Everything happened so quickly--I took all those events as a sign that it was the right direction for me and I should accept whatever they offered. Several months later, I find myself doubting that decision nearly every day. I don't know why I'm there, I don't know what my job actually is, and it's starting to wear on me so much that I'm not sleeping well and I dread walking into my building. Despite my uncertainty and doubt, I definitely know that staying at my previous job would have been very bad for me, so I'm trying to stick it out without complaining. Another friend is suddenly unemployed, which makes me feel worse for disliking my steady job with good benefits.
I don't even know what to do or how to start feeling better about everything. I keep looking for other work, but I know my chances at a better job are slim right now. Unlike the other members of my team, I did not go to school to be in this industry. I have no desire to get an MBA, and a degree in business administration makes me cringe. I'm stuck here, though, and I have to figure out parts of my job to like or I'll become even more depressed and anxious about it.
If God wants me to be happy, and He guided me where I am now, why am I so miserable? Why do I feel like calling in sick all the time? Why do I fantasize about getting in a car accident or slipping on the icy sidewalk and missing weeks of work? Why am I told to do a project, but not given enough information to do it correctly, and then get scolded for asking clarifying questions? Why, when I'm encouraged to ask clarifying questions, do I feel like I'm being punished for "pushing back" when I DO ask them?
I don't understand what's happening, and I wish I could figure it out. No one likes someone who can't do anything but complain, and I'm afraid I'm turning into a constant complainer. I feel somehow guilty for feeling like this, but I don't know how to fix it. I'm praying that I'll find things to be happy about, and that I'll be able to be consistently cheerful and kind no matter what is dumped on me. It's exhausting, though, and I hope I can figure all of this out soon. The light at the end of this tunnel is very, very dim right now.