Trying Harder
It's very early on a Friday morning. In fact, it's so early that it was Thursday less than an hour ago. I should be sleeping, but instead I'm worrying about work. There is so much going through my head that I can't express or even sort out enough to make sense of. What I know is that I'm so unhappy at work that the thought of going there in a few hours almost makes me cry. The clearly defined position I accepted last year has turned into one of nebulous responsibility, resulting in frustration, discouragement, and a general anxiety that I'm doing something wrong at any given time. I very much dislike feeling this way. When I took the job, I felt very strongly that it was an answer to many prayers over several months. Everything happened so quickly--I took all those events as a sign that it was the right direction for me and I should accept whatever they offered. Several months later, I find myself doubting that decision nearly every day. I don't know why I'm there, I don't know what my job actually is, and it's starting to wear on me so much that I'm not sleeping well and I dread walking into my building. Despite my uncertainty and doubt, I definitely know that staying at my previous job would have been very bad for me, so I'm trying to stick it out without complaining. Another friend is suddenly unemployed, which makes me feel worse for disliking my steady job with good benefits.
I don't even know what to do or how to start feeling better about everything. I keep looking for other work, but I know my chances at a better job are slim right now. Unlike the other members of my team, I did not go to school to be in this industry. I have no desire to get an MBA, and a degree in business administration makes me cringe. I'm stuck here, though, and I have to figure out parts of my job to like or I'll become even more depressed and anxious about it.
If God wants me to be happy, and He guided me where I am now, why am I so miserable? Why do I feel like calling in sick all the time? Why do I fantasize about getting in a car accident or slipping on the icy sidewalk and missing weeks of work? Why am I told to do a project, but not given enough information to do it correctly, and then get scolded for asking clarifying questions? Why, when I'm encouraged to ask clarifying questions, do I feel like I'm being punished for "pushing back" when I DO ask them?
I don't understand what's happening, and I wish I could figure it out. No one likes someone who can't do anything but complain, and I'm afraid I'm turning into a constant complainer. I feel somehow guilty for feeling like this, but I don't know how to fix it. I'm praying that I'll find things to be happy about, and that I'll be able to be consistently cheerful and kind no matter what is dumped on me. It's exhausting, though, and I hope I can figure all of this out soon. The light at the end of this tunnel is very, very dim right now.
2 comments:
Hi, I was just popping around looking at different blogs and happen to pop onto yours. I just wanted to say that I completely understand where you are coming from. A few years ago I was in the same kind of situation. I work at an aircraft insurance company and was fine just doing processing when a girl I worked with left and I was promoted to an underwriting assistant. I thought this would be a good oppertunity for me and also felt that if I didn't take it everyone would question me. I gave it my best shot and was miserible. I had no direction or guidance and had to figure out a lot of it out on my own. It got so bad that my blood pressure one day hit 200 something. I knew that I had to do something soon. So after a lot of prayer I went to our HR and told her how unhappy I was and that I couldn't do the position and either I had to go back to processing or I had to quit. I was afraid that she would just let me go, but at that point I really didn't care. Well, she said I was a good worker and they didn't want to see me go, so they put me back in processing and even though it wasn't as good of a position I was so much happier. Now I have a position where it's a little of both and I love my job.
Sorry for such a long comment, but my point is sometime you just have to do what you have to do. I would much rather have a lower position and less pay and be happy then be totally miserable. I don't know what your job is, but the Lord doesn't want his children to be unhappy. Maybe you have accomplished what you were suppose to and learned what you needed so now you can move on. Well I wish you good luck in what ever you do. Have a great day.
[Shurangama Sutra]
[The Diamond Sutra]
[The Heart Sutra]
~oṃ maṇi padme hūṃ~
/Six samsara /
/Cause and effect/
/Engages in introspection sees the nature/
/Do not beg abhiññā/
Ksitigarbha
Maitreya
Akșayamati
Samantabhadra
Mañjuśrī
Avalokiteśvara
Mahāsthāmaprāpta
Amitābha
"Bhaiṣajyaguru
The Twelve Vows of the Medicine Buddha upon attaining Enlightenment, according to the Medicine Buddha Sutra are:
To illuminate countless realms with his radiance, enabling anyone to become a Buddha just like him.
To awaken the minds of sentient beings through his light of lapis lazuli.
To provide the sentient beings with whatever material needs they require.
To correct heretical views and inspire beings toward the path of the Bodhisattva.
To help beings follow the Moral Precepts, even if they failed before.
To heal beings born with deformities, illness or other physical sufferings.
To help relieve the destitute and the sick.
To help women who wish to be reborn as men achieve their desired rebirth.
To help heal mental afflictions and delusions.
To help the oppressed be free from suffering.
To relieve those who suffer from terrible hunger and thirst.
To help clothe those who are destitute and suffering from cold and mosquitoes."
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