Dear Santa:

I'm really excited that Christmas is coming up, and I'm looking forward to seeing family and friends and doing things like baking cookies and going to Jinxie's wedding reception.  I love the lights and the food and the music.  I love the story of Christ's birth and the chance we have to celebrate that with a lot of other people.  I like Christmas movies and cheesy TV specials and snowflakes and red and green.  I think everything should be covered in glitter, and there should be snow on the ground for your sleigh.  I feel like Buddy the Elf when I think about Christmas decorations and reindeer!

 

As it is right now, I have a lot of enthusiasm for the season, but I tell you what:  it would be easier to be enthusiastic if I was in a relationship. 

 

I've been a good girl this year, so I hope you bring me what I want.  Say hello to Mrs. Claus and the elves for me!

 

Love, Trixie

Grateful

I felt at the beginning of this year that some major changes were going to happen in my life.  Now, toward the end, and on a day of gratitude, I can look back and see what they are.  It's been a difficult year in many ways, but I'm grateful for what I've learned.  I'm grateful to be able to look around my neighborhood and see families gathered together in warm houses, the yellow lights in the windows reflecting the sunset.  I'm grateful that, although it has problems and should be replaced soon, my car has a good engine and brakes and is paid for.  I'm grateful I have my own tools.  I'm grateful that I can help my family, both financially and emotionally.  I'm grateful I can pay tithing and know that those funds aren't being abused.  I'm grateful for my soft heart and generous spirit--I cry over animals I've never met, and I always wish I could give more than I can.  I'm grateful for my family.  We don't always get along (my youngest sister isn't talking to my oldest brother right now, and it's hard) but I know that through the sealing power we can be together forever.

Most of all, though, I'm grateful for the constant reminders that my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me and know who I am.  I don't always understand why They want me to do certain things, but I know there are good reasons and if I do those things, I will be blessed.  I'm grateful I can feel God's hand guiding me daily, and that I know Jesus Christ died to redeem me from my sins.

Life is good.

Veteran's Day

I used to joke that I would marry a military guy from Idaho. First, I love potatoes. I recall a two week Christmas break where I practically lived on cold cereal and potatoes of any kind I could imagine. They are an amazing food. Second, I actually like to move. Or maybe it's just that I'm used to it because I've done it so often. The longest I've ever had an address was for 5.5 years. You'd think I wouldn't have such a pack rat mentality with all that moving. But maybe it's that I have things to make me feel at home rather than places.

I didn't marry a guy from Idaho, but he does like potatoes. And now that I'm grown and I know what being a military spouse involves, maybe it's a bit selfish of me but, I'm glad he's not in the military.

I am so grateful for those who serve and those who stay home and wait for them.

Thank you veterans.

Difficult Weekend

While my entire immediate family, except me, gathered together with my brother, my brother's wife, and my brother's wife's entire immediately family for a Thanksgiving meal back in The Homeland, I sat with some friends I've known for less than six months. Well, two friends I've known for less than six months, one of their girlfriends who I just met last week, and some family of hers I still am unclear of her relation to (besides the one that is her mother). Yet another year as a Thanksgiving orphan.

While I'm incredibly grateful I didn't have to resort to ordering Chinese and eating alone, I really wanted to spend Thanksgiving with friends or family I've known for longer than that. Maybe next year I will.

Unfortunately, the rest of the weekend has spiraled downwards for me. I've spent time with other friends, relaxed, tried to be productive, attended the temple, and reflected on my blessings. It was a fairly typical weekend. Last night, however, just I was about to go to bed, I was hit with a sudden and intense loneliness worse than I've felt in quite some time. I missed my family, I missed having someone to hold/be held by, and I was angry at all the men who have taken me for granted, hurt me, and let me go.

Unsurprisingly, I didn't sleep very well. We all have our own brand of loneliness - mine comes from living thousands of miles from my parents and siblings and grandparents and the family dog, hundreds of miles from aunts and uncles - alone in my own apartment, which I love most of the time. I have friends, close friends for sure, but no default, always there needs me as much as I need them kind of friend. It's just me against the world right now and there's a lot on my plate that I'm trying to face on my own right now.

And it's hard.

It's so hard that when I reached into my fridge tonight for some vegetables, I got so overwhelmed that I had to close my refrigerator door, sit down on my dirty kitchen floor (dirty because I haven't had time to clean it and certainly no one else will be doing it), and just breathe on the verge of tears for a couple of minutes. It didn't last long, but it was a low moment.

Maybe it's the hormones combined with the holiday (yay menstruation!). Maybe it's just that I'm really stressed with my professional life right now. Maybe I'm just lonely.

Thank you for reading this far. Posts like this are what this blog is about after all - the secret thoughts of the frustratingly single. I'll get through this. I always do. In the meantime, I'm going to try and get some sleep. I just hope my subconscious wants to play nice tonight.

Holiday blessings

I've had a post sitting on the back burner since last year about how to make the holidays your own, especially when you are single and possibly far from the family you normally celebrate with. But we're all different. So what worked for me might not work for you as well.

Instead, here's this little bit of advice - make them your own, remember why you are celebrating, keep the traditions you can and start some new ones. And remember the wonder that is webcams.

I've found that no matter what is going on in your life, there is always something to be thankful for. And counting those blessings is even more important when it doesn't look like you have that many.

Triggers

I caught myself whining today, feeling sorry for myself and starting down a mental and emotional path that could potentially trigger some self-destructive behavior. I've been down that road before, and it's hard not to give in some days, but I know I'll be happier if I don't shut down and spend days in my room...especially this time of year.

It's not easy to be alone for the holidays, even when you're surrounded by family. It's not easy to want a relationship with a particular person but never see it happen. It's not easy to be responsible for everything and have no one with whom to share the burden. It's not easy to be happy for others all the time.

However. All these things CAN be done, and they can be done without pulling those triggers that lead down unwanted and unpleasant paths. It's a lot more pleasant to have a quiet Christmas with your parents than to wake up one morning and realize that you haven't been happy or social for days because you're feeling sorry for yourself.

Here's what I think:

If I can't get motivated, start doing SOMETHING.

If looking at the world around me is hard, look more.

If the internet is too tempting, stand up and walk away.

If I'm feeling trapped, move furniture.

If I'm feeling sad, find reasons to be happy.

If I can't seem to get anything done, complete one simple thing.

If I wander around at night because I don't want to sleep, take some melatonin and leave a light on if I have to.

If getting up is hard, get up anyway and do some squats.

If eating is unappetizing, find something appetizing and eat it.

Read your scriptures.

Exercise.

Take care of yourself.

Watch Christmas movies.

Call your grandmother.

Do something creative.

Remember who you are.

So Very Thankful

I spent Thanksgiving today with friends. It wasn't what I originally wanted to do for the holiday. First, I wanted to do what I did last year - road trip to an aunt's house - but I had to stay in town because of commitments this weekend. Then, I wanted to host, but my current living situation does not lend itself to large dinner parties or even the ability to cook a whole turkey. I needed a co-host, but the potential co-hosts I considered and I seem to be going through a rough patch and I didn't know what to do.

So, I was immensely grateful when another friend stepped up and opened her home to anyone in need of a place to go. I was still able to cook something, which I really enjoy and part of why I wanted to host in the first place. Mostly, I still able to share a meal and spend time with people whose company I enjoy, even if they're friends I've only known for a relatively short time and some I only just met today.

It's the people in my life that make it worth living. Even when family is far away and my long time my friends are being weird, there are newer friends, truly good people, who I can call on to be there for me and I for them. Even if they come and go, there is always someone there. New friends. Old friends. Near friends. Far friends. Someone.

And even when no one seems to be there, no matter how hard you try, we all have the ultimate friend in Jesus Christ.

I am not alone. And neither are you.

For that, I am truly thankful.

Not home for the holidays

The last time I had Thanksgiving with my parents at their home was my senior year of high school. I've been with my parents twice on Thanksgiving since but one time was at my sister's and one time was at my uncle's. It was hard and strange at first, but it's just how it is now. I had two Thanksgivings on my mission (neither in this country). And the rest were with various extended family members, mostly an uncle on my dad's side. They were all good Thanksgivings.

Eventually we'll just have us for Thanksgiving at our home. But for now we're still celebrating with others. Last year it was friends of mine. This year it's his family. And this might be one of the stranger ones I've had yet. In a way I'm glad I'm used to being with others for the holiday. It's going to make this one easier. I get along great with my in-laws, but I still feel like I'm not quite integrated. I've only been part of the group for a very short time. We're all still adjusting.

I am not someone who likes a lot of small talk and I also do not like feeling like I am in the way. And I know that the kitchen is small enough that if I go in there to help I'll just make it more crowded, and I won't know where anything in the kitchen is so I'll need someone to basically show me where/how to do things, and at that point it's just easier to let them do it. And I'll most likely have to do a lot of small talk. The women do small talk. The men tell stories and talk about deeper things. The women talk about that stuff too when they are with the men. But when it is just the women their conversations are different. I'm more comfortable with the men, probably in large part because I'm more comfortable with my husband than I am with any of them. I don't want to appear ungrateful or a free-loader. So I'll offer to help. I always do. I guess we'll just see what happens.

At least I know we won't be sitting at the children's table. (Although honestly, that might actually be more fun. Some of my nieces and nephews on that side are college age and they're quite fun to be with.)

Thank you

I've mailed off the last of my thank you cards from my shower and our wedding. HP still has five more to write from our local shindig and then his are all done too. Yeah!

But writing them brought up some issues for me. Some gifts are more appropriate than others. Gifts that make the receiver wonder how in the world they are supposed to word a thank you card can be a bit awkward.

A proper thank you card names the gift and how it will be/has been used.

So was I really expected to write:

Dear Mother-in-law,
Thank you kindly for the lovely lingerie. Your son and I have really enjoyed it while having sex.
Love,
Roxie

Because, well, that's just awkward.

Also awkward:

husband: You look so sexy in that!
wife: Thank you, your mother picked it out for me.
husband: My mother, huh? Um, I think there's a game on I need to watch tonight.

HP doesn't know which ones of my sexy stuff people got us. Because that conversation could be weird.

But I was good. I wrote thank you notes, even for the potentially awkward gifts. I just thanked them for thinking of us and for their thoughtful gift and left it at that.

For Christmas

Everyone keeps wishing us a happy first Christmas together. What do you want to bet that next year nobody will mention that it's our second Christmas together? But it was a good Christmas.

HP mentioned the other night that in the past he always felt that he needed to be moving on with his life at the holidays, that he was still doing what he'd always done and needed to do something more in the next year. I think a lot of people would say that about the holidays. And just like Big Bird, some times it's people we want more than things for Christmas, whether that's to be with our family we've always had, or the family we will have some day.



(I've never danced on the telephone either Big Bird.)

Or, if you prefer a more grown-up version of that idea that's not exactly tied to a holiday, Michael Bublé's latest song "Haven't Met You Yet" is absolutely wonderful (and quite possibly the theme song for this blog).



There were so many times when I just knew that things would be great and I'd be willing to work through all the things that weren't so great just as soon as I met the right person. And if there's anything I learned through my dating experiences, you really never do know when you'll meet them.

Happy Holidays?

I don't think I've ever heard it called "Turkey Drop Season" before until NPR this morning ran a story called, "Want to Break Up? Tis the Season, So Better Hurry." It seems that if you are in a relationship that isn't really going anywhere, you need to break up now because otherwise you are stuck. Nobody wants to be the cad that breaks up at Christmas. And then there's the whole New Year thing. And right after that you have Valentine's Day. And I can see the point.

The only time I ever dumped a guy was right after the Thanksgiving break my freshman year at college. We'd met at college, so it wasn't a long distance thing. But having that weekend with my extended family in the area gave me time to stop and think what in the world was I doing with him. So I came back and I believe I told him we should stop seeing each other less than a week after Thanksgiving.

The one time I got dumped was right after New Year. And that sucked. Especially because he did it by telling me we should be friends, and then when I treated him like a friend, he sent me an email and told me to have a nice life. So not only did I get dumped right in the middle of the holiday season, he didn't have the guts to make it final in person and did it by email instead. I replied and told him to send me a postcard from Hades.

But then, breaking up before Christmas means you don't have to try and figure out a present for them. Guys are hard to shop for. (Related: You mean I have to do it again?) At least this year I know exactly what I'm getting for him. In fact, it's already wrapped and under the tree.

There is Love...

As Jinxie posted earlier, we got to be with Roxie on her wedding day, and it was wonderful. I have to admit that Jinxie and I both cried when Roxie and HP danced to their song. The room was FULL of love and it was wonderful. Wonderful wonderful.

Anyone there could tell that Roxie and HP love each other with a deep and secure love--the kind that isn't frantic or desperate or full of stress--and it spilled over onto everyone at the reception. There was a definite sense of calm and peace about them. And I did cry. Jinxie and I put our arms around each other and cried together and said "someday..." Someday, that will be us. Someday, all this waiting and faith and work and hope will be rewarded.

Someday, it will all be worth it.

Last night was hard for me, though; it didn't seem worth it at 1 AM when disappointment darkened my soul. I don't think it's a coincidence that I had a setback the day after a wonderful spiritual wedding, and it took some time for me to sort it out and start to make sense of it. This morning a friend posted this passage from Isaiah on her blog and it touched me so much. It reconfirmed that God makes up the difference:

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

Despite it all, life is pretty good. Especially when there are promises like that to anticipate and hope and pray for.

Someday, I will know that I am loved with a deep and secure love, and that day will be wonderful!

Feeling Out of Place

I have been a member of a family ward since fall 2005 when my singles ward was discontinued due to dwindling membership--apparently, most of the ward members had moved to college wards and the 57 of us left were pretty well permanently settled. Some people found the adjustment very difficult because it is hard to go from a ward where so many of your peers are actually your peers and are going through similar things, to a ward where you may be one of the only (if not the youngest) single members. It's easy to feel out of place after so long in one situation.

I was one of the lucky (optmistic?) few who was looking forward to the change. It's fun to be with young single adults, but it's also fun to be with families and retired couples and teenagers and babies. I had had enough of singles wards; while the change itself came quickly, I was ready for it and transfered my records back to the ward I grew up in and in whose boundaries I still lived.

It's been great for the last four years. It really has. I've had the opportunity to serve in wonderful and varied ways. I had a wonderful bishop who gave excellent advice when I was engaged. I had a safety net when the engagement fell apart. I've been able to interact with my former Primary and Young Women teachers as an adult on (nearly) equal footing. I've held babies, played pianos, sung in the choir, congratulated teenagers on graduation, and played the organ for funerals. I've loved nearly every moment of it.

However, I realized last weekend at a Halloween party that even though I enjoy my ward and the people in it, I still don't quite fit in. Not quite. I'm not just off my mission, I've never had children, I'm not a widow, I'm not divorced, I'm not married, I'm not engaged. I am single, working, making plans for the future, and, according to some, have all the time in the world to play. I can participate in quilt groups and Primary programs and Sunday school classes all I want, but I still won't quite fit in. While I'm 90% just fine with that, there is a little part of me that longs for a movie buddy who doesn't have to find a sitter. I would love to be in Sunday school and not hear the teacher talk about her relief that her daughter is getting married before she turns 30, as if we're in "Logan's Run" or something. I would like to never have to answer the question "so, are you dating anyone?" again. It's hard to let things slide with a joke or a clever remark, but I do it over and over again. I'll keep doing it because it's the only way I have to get through the harder times, and because it's much more polite than saying, "will you leave me alone about it?! Worry about your own life!" or "no, I don't party all night or run around all day. I'm a responsible member of society and an adult despite my single status."

Honestly, there are Sundays I'd rather stay home than go, but then I remember that it's the doctrine that I love, the Savior, my Heavenly Father, how I feel when I take the Sacrament, the peace the Holy Ghost brings...all those things are more important than some of the strange attitudes I've encountered.

Still, it will be nice when I have a family of my own--although I'll still feel a little out of place because I won't be a young mother having children at 22. :)

Tidbits

My mother and I were discussing my holiday travel plans and how I'm considering venturing to Manhattan for New Year's Eve in Times Square. I just don't know who to go with, as it's not something I'd even consider doing alone. An entire day of mostly standing around with several thousand strangers? No thanks.

Me: It's hard to plan such things two months out. And who knows? What if my travel friends are dating someone by then, since it's a notorious date night? What if I'm dating someone? Then again, knowing my track record, I won't be.
Mom: You know, you shouldn't say that, because one day you will be. You never know.

Thanks, Mom. You're totally right. I really should curb the self-deprecating talk.

Also, this article really spoke to me, from the annals people who say it way better than I ever could. Change the specific people and locations, and I've been there and had the exact same revelation.

Maybe I could meet up with her for a New York New Year's Eve!

Alone...

I really tire of going to things by myself. I tire of being brave and independent and sassy and showing up alone. I haven't gone to a movie in almost a year. There is a long list of plays, concerts, and other performances I want to go to, but I probably won't just because I'm sick of going by myself. I try to get dates to these things, but the men I know are invariably busy (or too borderline creepy) and can't go.

It is very frustrating to keep asking and get turned down because of other circumstances and commitments, and it is very frustrating to be so tired of dressing up and going out...alone.

Sunday Night Reflections

There's something about Sunday nights that make them particularly hard. No matter how successful my week may have been, Sunday evenings often find me reflective and sometimes even a little sullen.

Growing up, and when I lived close to my parents, Sunday evenings were family time, even if it was just sitting around trading sections of the paper. On the nights we didn't spend entirely together, we always made an effort to at least eat Sunday dinner with one another. They were special meals, a little nicer than the rest of the week. Even during some of family's more stressful times, I don't remember arguments about whether or not we were to attend Sunday dinner, we just did. Later, we'd often play a game, watch a movie, go for a walk, or just sit around and gab. It was rarely anything spectacular, it just was. So now that I'm on my own, I miss those times. Holidays are the expected hard time for singles, but Sundays are a close second.

Last Sunday, I enjoyed the quiet of my home, as I'd been on a weekend long trip with several friends from church. I'd spent quite some time talking with my current crush (it sounds so high school, but it's apropos) on this trip, for which I was grateful, and I'd also made several new acquaintances. I just needed some time to recharge, alone, before my week, so I didn't mind coming home to an empty house.

Today, however, is a little different. I had missed all the social events of the weekend for a business trip I arrived home from late last night, so I was looking forward to seeing my friends today. I saw and visited with my ward crush before and during church, but I spied him talking to the same girl for the entirety of our monthly after church meal. Just chatting, but I couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy. Tonight, I had plans to watch a movie with a girlfriend, but she wasn't at church and hasn't responded to any of my attempts at contact. None of this anything to worry about just yet. It's just the standard response to any social disappointment and it just happens to be on a day I often feel a little more alone than others.

Fortunately, I took Trixie's recommendation and recently finished reading A Single Voice. If nothing else, it reminds me that I'm doing the right thing in making the most of my single time and trying to improve my attitude about life. I can't always control my social life, but I can control quite a bit of my personal life. This week, I'm going to make a better effort at that. I'm going to clean my apartment (again), exercise more, and study my scriptures.

My life is good. And, hey, at least I had complete control of the remote tonight.

Kiss De Girl

An interesting little connection occurred to me yesterday while talking to a friend. Somehow, we started discussing musicals and, after a shortened rendition of "Elephant Love Medley", we narrowed it down to Disney musicals. For whatever reason, I decided to share the following story.

It was Valentine's Day, my last semester of college. This young man and I had been seeing a lot of each other for the 2.5 weeks prior, but had to yet to do more than cuddle on the couch and we certainly hadn't discussed the feelings developing between us. He'd surprised me by showing up at work just as we were closing and we'd gone back to his place. We were snuggled on the couch in the living room, which was in the middle of the apartment, his bedroom and his roommate's bedroom were on either side.

While we were deciding that we were definitely dating and were looking forward to seeing where this was going, his roommate suddenly dashed across the living room into my man's bedroom. Within moments, we heard "Kiss The Girl" from The Little Mermaid blasting from the computer speakers. We laughed, but it took the roommate running back and forth to press play three or four times and occasionally yelling "Have you done it yet!?" for us to finally kiss. It was very sweet.

Then, I added this gem:

There was also the time that this guy I was dating in high school and I were playing pool and listening to the soundtrack from Tarzan. "You'll Be in My Heart" had begun shortly before I won the round. The guy then started the song over before coming back to kiss me for the first time. (It was also a rather awkward first kiss, but that's not the point.)

Suddenly, I realized something I'd never realized before. Two of my first kisses were to Disney songs, and while I'm no longer even in contact with either of these guys, the memories still make me smile.

Happy sigh.

I have an amazing boyfriend. Absolutely amazing. Best Valentine's Day ever.

He was worth waiting for. It was worth being single for so long if it means I get to be with him.

And now I'm going to go to bed so it will be tomorrow already and I'm seeing him again tomorrow.

And I won't say more than that.

Valentine's Day Pontifications

Ah Valentine's Day. The one day a year that couples everywhere are required to make grand overtures to prove how much they love each other. Millions of dollars are spent, not to mention the guilt trips and anxieties that plague those who don't know what to do for their significant others.

Singles everywhere are smacked in the face with reminders about how single they are, that no one loves them, and they are ALONE.

But what if it didn't have to be that way?

I've only had a boyfriend for 1.5 of my Valentine's Days Past. The first was shared with a boyfriend I'd been dating for just over six months, and the second was when another one asked me to be his girlfriend. Both were wonderful days.

However, I can't think of a Valentine's Day I haven't liked. There was the one that was a second date, on which he decided to tell me he was falling in love with me, but that was just more awkward than anything.

I choose, on this and every Day of Love, to share my love with everyone I love - family, friends, and, when I'm so blessed, a specific guy. My parents always give/send a small present and candy. Trixie is taking her niece and nephew out today. My parents shared their Valentine's "picnic" with my sister. I spent this morning in the temple with my roommates and some friends.

It's all about love. All love. As I read in an article earlier this week, does Halloween make you wish you were a zombie? No, of course not! So, if you're at home moping about your singleness, realize how silly you're being, and go do something for someone, anyone, you love, even if it's just you!

31 dates in 31 days

One of the writers for Good Morning America has found a unique way to celebrate turning 31. She is going on 31 dates in 31 days. On February 14th, her 31st date will be a second date. Some of her rules include only spending $31 and it has to last at least 31 minutes.

The GMA spot can be found here.

Her blog, chronicling her adventures, is here.

I really think this is a fun idea! She's going to meet a lot of different guys and have some crazy cool adventures. I'm looking forward to reading her blog. The other cool thing? She's Mormon! One of her dates blogged about his take on the evening, and revealed that little fact.

I have a golden birthday coming up (you know, where you turn the age of the day? like turning 15 on the 15th?). I may have to consider borrowing this little idea as a way to celebrate.