Improvement

I keep forgetting to blog, so I'm glad I have a reminder in my calendar for this little project.  I've been thinking about how hard it is for me to find something to talk about on here.  I want to avoid being overly whiny, because there are enough whiny singles blogs out there.  I want to avoid being overly prideful, because there are enough "look at me!" blogs out there.  So, between those two limits, I find myself thinking I don't have much to day.  In my real life, I'm not overly whiny or prideful--I don't complain about being single because, really, there's not much I can do about it (and don't suggest online dating, because I always feel like throwing up just thinking about it) besides keep doing what I'm doing and have faith that everything is happening the way it needs to.  I don't think I'm all that awesome; maybe I have a certain cool factor because I do what I like and buy myself pretty things and don't get all hung up on what people are thinking about me, but I got here after a very long journey through years of depression and self-doubt.

My life is work and family.  The last time I went on a date was when I went to lunch with Ken back in August, and I paid.  I get involved in hobbies and projects, and I flirt when I can, but mostly I try to make people comfortable and happy.  I don't go to work looking for dates (and would NEVER date anyone I've met at my new job--all the single guys are too short or too awkward), I don't go to a singles ward, and I avoid singles activities with all my might.  So I work, I occasionally go to lunch with some of the other women there, and I come home and hang out with my family, or I don't come home and instead work on outisde projects with fun people.  The goal of my social interaction is not to find a husband, but to do something challenging and meet like-minded people.  I'm sure there are people out there who would say I'm wrong to take my focus off husband-hunting, but it feels right to do things that make me happy.  I don't buy into "The Secret" and I refuse to compete with 20-year-olds, so I usually end up doing my own thing and enjoying myself.  In fact, I enjoy my time a lot more when I'm not constantly worried about whether or not someone approves of what I'm doing.  I think God approves, and that's enough for me.

Do I want to get married?  Heck yes I do!  But I'm not going to force anything or anyone.  I've prayed about this, and the answer I almost always get is "hang on, he's coming."  So I do my thing, find happiness in my family and friends, and try to be my best self.  When it's right, it'll happen.  Until then (and probably even after), I'll be looking for a tap dancing class to take.

Guys not to date

Add guys who purposefully do things to get arrested when they get dumped to your list of guys not to date - Man throws beer at officer to get in trouble.

I remember my economics teacher in high school coming to school once with a shaved head. He'd gotten dumped over the weekend and so he shaved his head to "show her." I hadn't had a whole lot of respect for the guy before then, and that certainly didn't help (not that I was EVER interested in dating teachers, but I kind of expect my teachers to be adults, and this guy was one in age only).

I dumped a guy once. I'll go into the story of why at another time. But in my mind he really should've seen it coming. As far as I know though, he never did anything stupid as a result (although he had a penchant for getting hit by cars). Which just proves my point. If you do something stupid because someone dumped you, they will probably never even know about it.

Heart

Recently, I've had the regular opportunity to be around some adorable children. They are so sweet--yes, they're little monsters, but they're SO sweet. It has been a delight to be around them. Tonight, one of them did something so cute I could barely contain myself. I turned to the woman next to me (who has children in a range of ages, the oldest just about married) and said "I want a baby RIGHT NOW!" She smiled and said, "they're awfully cute, aren't they? Are you trying to have kids?" I laughed and replied, "I'm not even married yet! Let me rephrase: I want a date, and then a second date, and then a boyfriend, and then a fiance, and then a husband, and THEN a baby. I have to do it all in the right order, you know!" She laughed too, and then touched my hand and said, "You have a wonderful mother heart. I can tell just watching you how loving you are. Don't ever lose that heart!"

I was sincerely touched. I told her I was doing my best to stay gentle and loving, even though it's hard to be kind to everyone some days. . . It is good to be reminded that it's ok to be kind, especially to children. It's ok to call them "sweetie" when I see them. It's ok to let my heart be soft around them. Sometimes I think we feel like we can't allow ourselves to love because we might not get what we want to love. Yes, it's hard to love without the surety that we get to keep the loved one, but life is so much better when we allow ourselves to love spontaneously and honestly. I love the kids I get to interact with--I think I'll let myself do that without being upset about the children I don't have yet.

You Shouldn't Say

Here, for your benefit, are a list of things you shouldn't say to a single person or a couple dealing with infertility.

1. "Just relax." Which goes with "It will happen when you least expect it" or its twin "Stop trying and it will happen."
Everything I've ever gotten in life was because I did something. Part of getting married is actually putting yourself out there the best you know how. People get pregnant because they do something, and in the case of infertility it's because they do a LOT of somethings. Telling someone to "just relax" is basically telling them faith doesn't need works. "Just relax" denies my works.

2. "Have you tried...? That's what worked for me."
That's wonderful. But I'm not you.

3. "I know how you feel."
Really? You've been exactly where I am with my exact background? If you have been in a similar situation it is to turn that from a "you" statement to an "I" statement. "I felt this way when..." rather than assuming you know how I feel. Or even just simply ask how I'm feeling.

4. "Everyone needs a favorite aunt." or "You can always adopt."
No, being single/infertile is not the end of the world and yes, there are other ways to be fulfilled in this life. But each person needs to figure them out on their own and it is nobody's place to say what to do next.

5. "Husbands/Kids are a lot of trouble."
I swear I'm walking out of a meeting if it ever turns into husband/kid bashing. There's a bumper sticker that says "A bad day fishing is better than a good day working." In some ways a bad day in a good marriage is better than a good day all alone.

6. "How are you doing?" when accompanied by sad puppy dog eyes of pity.
Please, hold the pity. It doesn't do anything to build anyone up. Especially if you give me pity about the area of my life that isn't going the way I want when I'm having a pretty good day in other areas of my life and would rather talk about that at the moment.

But that does not mean you should be silent and ignore reality. So here's some things you should say.

1. "Let me know if I can do anything."
And mean it. And then leave it.

2. "How are you doing?" when accompanied by genuine interest in my life as a whole.
Simply acknowledging there is more to my life than my marital/parental status is huge. When I want to talk about the marital/parental stuff I will, but if I don't bring it up, maybe you shouldn't either. The friends I appreciate the most are those who don't always press for details and who acknowledge me as a whole person.

The best response I've gotten about our infertility was when I told a friend why I couldn't schedule a meeting with her for a certain week because I wasn't sure what I'd be doing medically that week because of the next step we were taking and she replied with the most genuine and excited, "That's great!" She didn't give advice. She didn't give pity. She didn't judge. The most she's said since was to tell me once that she was thinking about us and praying for us. And isn't that what we all need.

You're doing it wrong

I apparently did it wrong.

Lately I've heard two people say things that are often said in one way or another, and honestly, I think it's those people who are wrong, not me. I'll talk about the other person later

Last week I was at a youth event and one of the other youth leaders told one of the teenage boys that every dollar he spends on a girl before his mission is a dollar spent on someone else's wife, implying he shouldn't spend a lot on girls before his mission. Which was odd. Because every dollar a guy spends on a girl before his marriage is a dollar spent on someone else's wife, not just before his mission. It's a weird way to look at it anyway because until a guy marries a girl, some other guy is spending money on his wife. So really, stop worrying about it already and go date! (if you are over 16)

However the leader then went on to say that a young man who recently got married had "done it right" because he'd only dated one other girl after his mission before getting married. Is that really the "right" way to do it? Not all of the adults standing around know that HP and I got married in our 30s, but he did. He'd known and watched us since I moved to the same town as HP about four years ago.

So I followed up by asking him if he thought HP and I had done it wrong since we'd dated a lot of people after our missions before finding each other and getting married. Which flubbed him up a bit and he had no answer so he had to pretend I hadn't said anything.

Truth is, we didn't do it wrong, because there is no one right way to do it. Good for that couple that got married that fast. But I wouldn't have done it any other way for us. There is no wrong way.

Of attraction and "You Never Know"

I DO know. I know that I am NOT attracted to men who are shorter than me, thinner than me, or who have smaller feet and hands than I do.

At nearly 5'9", I'm a taller-than-average woman. I have long arms and legs, and, yes, bigger-than-average feet and hands. Thanks to genetics, they're well-proportioned and well-shaped, with long slender fingers and toes (my second toe is nearly as long as my pinky finger, which is fun to demonstrate when people don't beleive me). If anything other than average, my bone structure is on a slightly smaller scale, but I'm not one of those size 2 women with a 24" waist. I am, I think, at a fairly healthy weight--the 20 pounds I've gained over the last several years at a desk job haven't made a HUGE difference in my overall size, and I've never gone past a certain weight (either low or high) so my body is pretty set within a 30 pound range of what I weighed in high school (I was pretty skinny during puberty).

While most of my friends were getting over their gawky stage, I was in the thick of it at 17. I'd grown an inch and a half sometime between junior and senior years, and I grew an additional half inch (and half a shoe size) after high school. I was suddenly taller than a lot of my friends and felt awkward and gangly--thank goodness for childhood dance lessons, or I'd probably have been even MORE clumsy. I had these arms and feet and legs that got in the way and for a while I could walk down the middle of a wide hallway and still end up with bruises on my elbows.

My feet were average until 8th grade, when I suddenly realized I couldn't borrow my mom's shoes anymore. By the time I was 15, I was wearing size 9 shoes and I was only 5'4" tall; I felt like a clown. I have a difficult time finding gloves big enough to accommodate the space between my index finger and my thumb, but small enough that my fingers aren't swimming in them. Long enough skirts and pants are also hard to find, and I won't get into my shoe issues except to say that I'm so grateful I don't also have wide feet. I feel for those of you who do, especially if your feet are a size 9 or more.

Although I've maintained my weight and I'm not quite overweight for my height, I know it's a possibility if I don't exercise. I see women at work who have been in desk jobs for 15 or 20 years and have gained a lot of weight. It wears on them; one woman can't walk down the hall without panting and sweating. I honestly think that the hand genetics dealt me doesn't include the morbid obesity card, but that doesn't mean I get a free pass. I don't want to get too thin, either, because that would be unhealthy. Women who talk about wanting to get back to their high school weight don't realize that I didn't start puberty until I was 15. If I ever get as thin as I was in high school (somewhere between 120 and 130 pounds), there is probably something very wrong with me.

Now that I've established my size history, perhaps you'll understand that when my ex-fiance (just two inches taller than me) quoted the weight loss goal he was trying to attain, and it was just 10 pounds more than the weight I already was, I felt very insecure talking to him about my extra weight. He said he wasn't bothered by my high heels, but in the end I think he was. I felt huge around him sometimes even though he was stronger than me.

I don't want to feel huge around my husband. I am insecure about enough things that I don't want to be insecure about my weight, shoe size, height, or hands. When I've held hands with men whose fingers are shorter than mine, I feel huge (unless their hands are actually BIGGER). I work with an attractive man who I outweigh by 30 pounds, so I don't even go there. I was once cast in a play opposite a man who was 2 or 3 inches shorter than me and at least 35 pounds thinner. I did my best to act the part well and to let my character be attracted to him, but it was a huge relief when he had to drop the show and was replaced by someone much taller. I've been out with wonderful men with small hands and feet and, much as I like them as friends, I'm much more comfortable around someone bigger than me. I like feeling secure that if something happened to me, the man I'm with could easily help me get to safety.

I am just not attracted to men who are smaller than me. I wouldn't go out with one in pursuit of a relationship. So for all those women who say "you never know!" I would like to say, YES. I DO know. I don't think God wants me to be in an eternal marriage with someone to whom I'm not attracted, and I am not attracted to men who are shorter or thinner than me, so stop assuming I'm just being picky and close-minded. I really do mean it when I tell you that I won't marry someone with smaller feet than me--I really don't need him trying on my shoes and commenting on how big they are. . .

Cravings

Sk8er Boi and I saw each other every day for over two weeks and at least talked (usually via text) every day for the two months since we'd been dating. Then he left on a week long roadtrip to his hometown and I haven't heard from him much since he's been gone.

No worries, I told myself. He's just busy with his family and old friends. He did say that he hated to leave you for a week and it would suck if you found someone else while he was gone. He's been quick on the response when you've texted him, which hasn't been all the time or even each day because you're not a crazy needy person, and initiated the conversation at least once.

There was no indication anything was wrong before he left - why would that change?

My guy friends all assured me that I was right. There wasn't anything to be concerned about. He'd get back soon and return to his usual habits of saying good morning every day and all would be well.

But I couldn't shake that niggling little doubt brought on by years of guys going ghost on me for no discernible reason and all associated insecurities. We're also not officially defined as boyfriend/girlfriend yet, so there's a certain lack of commitment from both parties. I've had a hard time focusing on going about my daily routine and tried to mentally list all the reasons he might have for having spent his vacation talking himself out of us and then listing all the reasons why those reasons were crazy and he wouldn't think that.

I hate it. I'm a classic overthinker and it really, really, really is hard to stop. There was absolutely nothing I could do but wait for Sk8er Boi to come home, but my brain wouldn't stop.

Until today, when I had yet another talk about it with one of my Four Old Guys (that I actually share with Roxie) and he reminded me of the physiological implications of a separation of this nature and it was like a lightbulb had finally turned on!

I've likened breakups to withdrawals from drug addiction and science has too, so why wouldn't a temporary separation have similar implications? It's tempered only by the fact that it IS temporary and we'll be together again soon. I overdosed on Sk8er Boi and the endorphins I experience by being with him before he left, so I miss my fix and that feel good sensation of his presence and attention.

So why isn't he going through something similar? That's easily explainable too. He's with his family and some long-time friends that give him that same pleasurable feeling of love and acceptance that he gets from being with me and his friends where we live, so he isn't experiencing the same need that I am. I've noticed that when I'm in the presence of friends of my own this last week, I've felt more at peace with the situation and now I know it's because I was feeling those love endorphins I so need right now!

Basically, my feelings can be summed up like this:

I'm not broken, or crazy. I'm human. I should see Sk8er Boi tomorrow. Everything is most likely totally fine, and I feel a lot better than I did this morning.

What's wrong with you that you don't date?

After my post last week about infertility, I started to think about how similar it can be in many respects to being single, especially as you approach, and pass, 30.

People might look at us and assume we don't have kids because we don't want them or because we're waiting to pay off debt or finish degrees or because I really don't want to clean out the room I'm using as a sewing room and turn it into a bedroom again or whatever other reasons they might think of.

And that's because our efforts to have children are not things we do in public (thank goodness). Nobody sees all the charting I do. Nobody sees all the months we tried on our own. Nobody sees all the doctor appointments I have now. Nobody sees all the prayers we offer, the tears I cry, or the talks we have after we turn out the lights at night and my fears suddenly find voice. They might see us exercising, or notice we take daily vitamins, or other small things. But those aren't things you automatically assume someone is doing because they are trying to get pregnant.

Now to being single.

I had a roommate once, when I was the ripe old age of 24 and she was the ripe old age of 19, and the last time I ever had roommates, ask me, "What's wrong with you that you don't date?"

I had no idea how to answer that. It's just as rude as asking a married couple, "What's wrong with you that you don't have kids?" Although I can probably come up with a snappy answer to that if you give me a second.

But being single you are doing a LOT of things that are helping you that aren't really visible to the whole world. Nobody sees you working through and living your budget. Nobody sees you learning household skills that will help you no matter what house you live in. Nobody sees you expanding your mind and talents as you develop who you are. Nobody sees the look on your face when you get home and remember there's nobody there to share your good/bad day with. Nobody sees the hours spent in the scriptures or in prayer that build your relationship with your Heavenly Father so that you can learn to fully trust Him. Probably 99% of the things a single person does to put them in the best position possible to get married are not seen by anyone.

Yet everyone is always full of "great advice" for single people. A lot of it sounds the same as the "great advice" they give infertile couples. There's, "just relax," and, "it will happen when you aren't looking/least expect it," that both of them get. There's the stories for infertile couples about how if you start looking into adoption you'll get pregnant, or for single people about how if you go to the institute dances/get online you'll meet someone just like my sister's in-law's cousin's neighbor did.

When you are single people will assume it's for all kinds of reasons - you're too picky, you're too focused on school/career, you're into porn, you're homosexual, you're.... And yet none of those reasons have to do with what is most likely the real reason - it's not the time God ordained yet. God is in charge. Let let Him do what's best.

Grain of Salt

As much as I wish there were, there is no magic pill or answer for how to find my future spouse. Two unique individuals who find each other, like each other at the same time, and choose to love each other for the rest of forever is nothing short of a miracle. But until that time, what do those of us who are still looking do?

I can only really think of four things.

Be the Best You

Unless you're an axe murderer, you're probably a really great person and there is someone out there for you. So what if some people think you're too weird or too bookish or too loud? Even weird, bookish, and loud people can find love. Now, there are always things we can improve about ourselves, whether it's exercising more, learning a new talent, or being a better sister/friend/daughter, but as long as you're a fundamentally good person striving to be the best person you can be, good things will come to you.

Be Patient

Most of us will not marry the first person we seriously date. Most of us will have to wait longer than we wish we had to in order to find our mate. But it will happen. Someday. As Mormons, we do believe that if it's not in this life, it will be in the next, provided we did the best we could here. But it WILL happen! This one is particularly hard for me, because I want it NOW, but if I have to wait, I'll wait.

Be Kind

Dating sucks. There's too much uncertainty and weirdness and wondering. But we all have to go through it. We might as well be nice about it. If you have to turn someone down, do so politely. If you need to break up with someone, don't just stop calling or disappear, just tell them. We're all adults and we all have the capability of acting like it.

Take Risks

Only in p0rn does the woman of the house meet someone who just happens to be stopping by (delivery boy/mailman/etc.). The rest of us have to get out there and make a little effort. Be true to yourself, so if you're not the bar type, don't go to bars. But do something. Talk to that cute guy, go out with someone you'd never usually think of going out with, etc. Today, I asked a guy out for next weekend, and he said yes! Call me traditional, but I don't like asking guys out. I did it anyway, and who knows where it might lead?

Any other advice you may hear, even from us? Totally based on individual preferences and what worked for someone else. Take what you like, leave what you like. Just be the best you, be patient, be kind and take a few risks. The rest will work itself out.

Or so I hear. :)

Triggers

I caught myself whining today, feeling sorry for myself and starting down a mental and emotional path that could potentially trigger some self-destructive behavior. I've been down that road before, and it's hard not to give in some days, but I know I'll be happier if I don't shut down and spend days in my room...especially this time of year.

It's not easy to be alone for the holidays, even when you're surrounded by family. It's not easy to want a relationship with a particular person but never see it happen. It's not easy to be responsible for everything and have no one with whom to share the burden. It's not easy to be happy for others all the time.

However. All these things CAN be done, and they can be done without pulling those triggers that lead down unwanted and unpleasant paths. It's a lot more pleasant to have a quiet Christmas with your parents than to wake up one morning and realize that you haven't been happy or social for days because you're feeling sorry for yourself.

Here's what I think:

If I can't get motivated, start doing SOMETHING.

If looking at the world around me is hard, look more.

If the internet is too tempting, stand up and walk away.

If I'm feeling trapped, move furniture.

If I'm feeling sad, find reasons to be happy.

If I can't seem to get anything done, complete one simple thing.

If I wander around at night because I don't want to sleep, take some melatonin and leave a light on if I have to.

If getting up is hard, get up anyway and do some squats.

If eating is unappetizing, find something appetizing and eat it.

Read your scriptures.

Exercise.

Take care of yourself.

Watch Christmas movies.

Call your grandmother.

Do something creative.

Remember who you are.

Open your mouth!

In contrast to Trixie's excellent post yesterday, sometimes I could use a reminder to open my dang mouth. But, since I'm an introvert, it's not always easy.

Want to meet that guy? Open your mouth!

Want to flirt with that guy? Open your mouth!

Want to learn that guy's last name? Open your mouth!

Want to spend time with that friend, guy or girl? Open your mouth!

I'm not a supermodel, so I'm not going to catch a guy with looks alone. I'm going to have to also use my wit, charm, and sparkling personality. To do that, I'm going to have to open my mouth.

Plus, there's this:

Never mind those last 10 pounds. According to a new study, men care more about a woman’s face than they do about her body when seeking a long-term relationship.

More on that here.

Part of that face is my mouth, and I shouldn't be shy about using it, because if I can use it for the smiling and then for the talking, soon I'll get to use it again for the kissing.

Intimidating

I have quite a few male acquaintances, and a lucky few I even consider real friends. I get along with them well, we can spend time together separately or in groups, and our time together can often be engaging and enjoyable, at least from my perspective.

Also, I may not be a supermodel, or even a size 6, but I do think I’m at least attractive. I’m not grossly overweight and I make an effort with my appearance – exercise, makeup, dress, hair, good dental hygiene, etc. I’ve even been told I look hot/beautiful/nice.

Forget why I don’t have a boyfriend yet, why can’t I even get a date?

It must me be, right?

I asked JT if there was anything glaringly obvious in my appearance or my behavior that I was missing that would be a turn off, and he couldn’t really think of anything.

However, considering that he has only rarely seen me interact with other people, since it’s usually just us, and he doesn’t really know my other friends, though he has met some of them, I realized that, while a helpful source (e.g. my crooked nose isn’t to blame), he wasn’t able to speak for a larger population than himself.
So, I put my big girl pants on and asked another trusted male friend, Lorenzo, what he knew about why I wasn’t dating.

His qualifications:

1. He is a member of my faith, and has the same beliefs about marriage and its importance as I do.
2. He actually dates.
3. We have mutual friends, most of whom he has spent significant time with and discussed such topics.
4. Our relationship has been clearly defined as platonic.

Using qualification number 3 as our starting point, I asked him, “What do you know about why I haven’t been asked out in the year I’ve been in this ward?” I made it clear I didn’t want details about who had said exactly what, just the things I should improve upon, as I’m the only one I can change.

I was afraid it was going to come out like this:



Fortunately, I really appreciated his answer.

“You can be intimidating.”

It makes a lot of sense. When you get to know me, you know I can be thoughtful, love engaging on a meaningful level with others, and will bend over backwards for the people I care about. However, upon first introduction, I can come across as a bit of a self-absorbed know-it-all.

“Yes,” said Lorenzo, “You’ve studied many things, and accomplished quite a lot, but you can present that in a way that makes you more approachable.”

When discussing the findings with my mother, she suggested that I could still admit to knowing something about a given topic, but not being a source of authority on it unless necessary.

For example:

What NOT to do-

Other Person: I’m studying Subject X.

Me: Oh I read about book about that as part of this non-fiction kick I’ve been on lately, with my friend Roxie. It’s amazing that Aspect Q and Aspect E are so alike! And then I realized how it affected my Thing and then everything just clicked.

Other Person: Um, yeah.

What TO do:

Other Person: I’m studying Subject X.

Me: Oh I read a book about that once. I really liked learning about Aspect Q especially. What do you like about it?

Other Person: Let me tell you!

Obviously, in that scenario Other Person will, hopefully, see that I’m more interested in them and their knowledge or experience than in my own, and that can’t be bad.

It’s much easier than my father’s suggestion, from a similar conversation we had long before I ever talked to Lorenzo.

“Well, maybe you don’t tell them you’re THE Person Who Does What You Do, just A Person Who Does a Broader Version of That.”

“It’s going to come out eventually. When I tell someone I’m A Person Who Does What I Do, they almost always say, ‘Oh cool, where?’ and I say, ‘The Whole Organization’, and they say, ‘Oh, like at This Department?’ and I say, ‘No, actually I work for That Department as The Person Who Does What I Do.“

It’s much easier to start with being THE instead of A, but it’s essentially the same idea that Mom and Lorenzo suggested – be personable and engaging, without coming across as a stuffy egghead. Yes, it may seem a little like a head game, which I’m very much opposed to as a general rule, but sending the right message about ourselves is important. We can’t use a Vulcan mind meld or Jedi “mind trick” to ensure we convey our message exactly as we intended.

I know exactly why I can come across as a know-it-all, which actually helps. I was taking 8th grade courses in 6th grade. I graduated from college early at 20, knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my career at 22, and started doing it. And I have read a lot about a lot. Jack of all trades, master of a few (literally, you can legitimately call me Master Jinxie). I’m the oldest child, and therefore destined to be a little bossy. I AM a well-educated, highly motivated woman, and have been for quite some time. Unfortunately, being that awesome at 22 (which is when I got the job I have now), you have to fight some age-ism and convince people that you really do know your stuff, despite your birthdate. Confident, disciplined, and self-motivated can easily be interpreted as arrogant, inflexible, and unapproachable, and I don’t want that.

Once, I had a roommate who was working on an engineering degree. We met a young man who essentially told her “Oh, I can do all that engineering stuff, but I don’t have a degree in it. I just read a few books. I could probably get an engineering job easy.”

We were appalled at his arrogance. I don’t want to be that guy.

So, I’m working on it. It hasn’t translated into anything tangible (like a date), yet, but it can’t be hurting my chances.

And, as Lorenzo reminded me as well, it never hurts to smile.

A Date-ready home

According to an article I read on Glamour magazine's website, if I'm going to invite a date into my home, I have to turn into a neurotic, OCD mess with no personality.

I'll recreate the list here, with my commentary:

1. Dust the high places.

Okay, that's fair. Dusting is good.

2. Bake or cook something.

Maybe, but only if it's something you do anyway. As you may remember, Cher from "Clueless"

totally burned whatever it was she was trying to bake. Does your house have to smell of

chocolate chip cookies? No. Clean? Yes.

3. Edit your house for telling items.

Mousetraps, financial statements, self-help books (especially those about dating and marriage—I have a ton because of this blog), and medicine like Imodium…need to go!

This is where the neurotic starts to set in. I'm not about to go through my bookcase and hide the things I don't want him to know I've read, even the copy of "The Fat Girl's Guide to Life" that's on my nightstand right now. In fact, I saw someone checking out my nightstand reading stack (p.s. I live in an efficiency, everyone who crosses my threshold enters my bedroom) the other night. They would have also spied my journal, a book by Spencer W. Kimball, and a book about World War II. Judge me for all that, I dare you.

4. Maintain some order.

This, I agree with.

5. Remove the "funny" magnets.

Currently, my fridge door has a handwritten note to myself that says, “Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels.” That’s fine, but considering I never read it, why risk looking like I have issues with food? I also have a chart for pairing wine (wino?), and a magnet that poses the question, “Was he worth shaving her legs for?” Wow. That cannot be good. And another one that says, “Girls are better than boys.” Wait a sec. Maybe I do have some kind of issue. And I almost bought Erica this funny magnet set of grown men crying. Probably should hold off on that.

We all want someone who shares our sense of humor, right? Worrying too much about what he's thinking about what's on your fridge or around your bathroom mirror is just too much work.

6. De-clutter with fewer girly items.

If you own multiple candles, picture frames, throw pillows, stuffed animals, live cats, knick-knacks, or tchotchkes, minimize! He doesn’t want to feel like he’s visiting Grandma.

All these things around my house? They have stories. Even the ugly purple fairy and that non-descript rock. Ask me about it, and I'll tell you. For example - that stuffed dog? From a teenaged friend who was sad that I couldn't have a real dog in my apartment right now. My house does not look like Grandma's attic. It looks like me.

7. Sexile your roommate.

Well, fortunately, that is one perk to not having sex. No one has to worry about certain sounds wafting between the walls. I don't have roommates now, but when I did, we were all smart enough to leave the common areas if it was clear that our male guest might want to not just sit on the couch. But the rule of not making your roommate uncomfortable or banishing them forever definitely stands.

8. Create flattering lighting.

I’m sure you don’t have laboratory-like bulbs in your home, but check for bad overhead lighting and any shadows that could make you look like the two-face on Seinfeld.

OCD, much?

Extra points for:
9. Freezing some glasses and stocking the fridge with beer (and hello, food!).
10. Knowing how to control the temperature on your thermostat.
11. Possessing knowledge of the best restaurants that deliver in your 10-block radius.
12. Putting together a date playlist on your iPod. (Click here and here for music to make out to.)
13. Arranging fresh flowers (particularly if his mom is Martha Stewart or a Steel Magnolia).

9. Yes. Well stocked fridge? Good idea. His favorite drink? Only if he told you that, and you didn't get it from Facebook.

10. That's probably a good idea.

11. You should do that anyway, but for you.

12. I have one. But I've never used it. "Oh I'm sorry, I see that you want to kiss me, but first I must put on my 'Snog Songs'" Ruins the mood. And perhaps the song. (Phil Collins' "You'll Be In My Heart", I'm looking at you.)

13. So, we don't want to remind him of his grandmother, but we do want to remind him of his mother? Incidentally, I do have fresh flowers right now, and Junior saw them last night was actually proud of me for buying myself flowers. But this currently only happens a couple times a year, nothing to stress about unnecessarily.

Honestly, just make sure your house is clean and presentable, and it will be fine. Junior didn't even care that my sink was full of dishes the first time he came over, just that he really liked that my house is a nice, little home.

Just how I like it.

I'm a woman!

There are days when I wake up and I really wish I wasn't a woman. Those days occur roughly once a month. ;)

But there are two things I want to talk about that might be a little TMI, but they make being a woman SO much easier for me.

The first off has to do with that once a month thing. I was cleaning out my apartment to move in with my husband and found a whole box of tampons in the back of a closet and I honestly have no idea what to do with them. And the reason? For more than three years now I've been using a reusable menstrual cup, specifically, the Diva Cup. It's amazing! No more tampons or pads to carry, let alone buy. When I was still dating, it meant I could be at a guy's house, take care of what I needed to, and not have to worry about leaving behind garbage that would make him uncomfortable. It makes a monthly hassle much less of one. You can almost forget you are even menstruating. Which is absolutely amazing.

The second thing that makes me more likely to wake up glad I'm a woman is my epilator. I HATE stubble. And while there is hair on my legs, it doesn't itch at all because I use an epilator. Have you ever been on fresh cut grass? It itches like crazy! It's because the blades have been chopped off and are square. If you let the grass grow normally it will be rounded on the top and won't itch. Same with hair. So because I don't cut it off but rather yank it out, the hair I do have doesn't itch. It does take a bit of time each time I do it. And it takes some time to get used to the feeling. But if you were to add up how much time you spend if you shave daily, it's probably roughly the same. I just do it all at once. Waxing could do the same thing, but I've had a bad reaction to a waxing before. And why pay someone for that monthly when I can buy a personal epilator once and be done with the cost? And for further confidence, I ripped out all the unwanted hair on Wednesday morning before our wedding. And then on the morning of my wedding I did a quick touch-up. And then I didn't bother with it again until we got back from our long extended wedding weekend (so the following Wednesday). And my legs were smooth the whole time. How's that for good?!

Not giving up!

(I'm a little unfocused because of fatigue and sitting at a desk for the last 9 hours, so bear with me. I also plan to write more extensively about my feelings on this in another blog.)

I recently had a conversation with my dear friend David about his friend (and my former friend), Diane. He said it appears as if Diane has a boyfriend, but he's worried because this boyfriend also appears to be non-LDS. I know in some other faiths, it isn't a big deal to date or marry someone outside your belief system, but for us, it is. We believe that in order to be married eternally, in order to keep all our covenants, we need to marry someone strong in our faith and be sealed in the temple. The covenants you make in the temple are important and sacred, and not to be treated lightly, not even when it comes to romance.

What struck me about David's story is that Diane might be giving up. She might have convinced herself that no good LDS man is going to want her, so she might as well go with the guy who does. Now, if this all works out, that's great...I think. I may no longer be friends with her, but I don't want her to give up her goals and ideals just to be kissed by some guy! I don't want her to give up eternal marriage for a relationship that might not take her there! I want to shake her (and the other women like her) and say "don't you understand that it's not worth it?!"

I know there are times when this all works, when a couple from different backgrounds and faiths can live happily ever after without any pressure to join or leave a religion or confusion about what belief system their children will follow, but it doesn't always happen that way. I don't want her to get married, thinking she can convert someone, spending all her time and energy trying to change the mind of someone who isn't interested, or who is just using her, or who just married her to have sex. I've seen that happen with family and friends--over and over again, it ends in a bitter divorce that causes serious damage to self-esteem and confidence. I don't want that for her. I don't want her to give up.

Look. The only kiss I've had for the last 3 years was a stage kiss with a man 12 years younger than me. So what? It's just kissing. It's not the end of the world.

Quite frankly, kissing (sex, marriage, whatever) is not worth giving up my covenants and giving up on Heavenly Father's promises.

I will not compromise.

Riding in cars with boys

Strong, independent people always attract people who want to be like them. This was exemplified for me during college. Somehow, two of the four boys I seriously dated, and one who seriously tried, did not have cars. At all. One of the four didn't have his own car the whole time, but he was able to use a family car when he really needed one.

The two car-less boyfriends, and the one who wanted to be, are still, even now, a puzzlement to me. Public transportation in The Homeland is kind of a joke. Buses only travel the most main of main roads, and the light rail system is a long way from becoming truly useful. After visiting or living in places with a real, functional public transportation system, I won't be satisfied by that of The Homeland for years to come.

What is there is fine, if you want to go to any one of the local college campuses or somewhere along the most prominent of the local streets. Anywhere else? It will take some time.

So, as much as I hate to admit it, to not have regular access to a car in The Homeland is kind of a social death sentence. Especially if you're a boy who wants to date. Unlike other major metropolitan areas, the percentage of people in The Homeland who rely on public transportation is so small that no one is used to the extra time and effort it takes.

Of course, the remedy is to be cute and charming enough to make the girl want to do all the driving. And it worked for these guys. Not so much for that other one, though that wasn't the actual reason I wasn't interested in.

It doesn't mean it never got old. Doorstep scenes are nicer when they're on your own doorstep. You don't get to wonder if the guy is going to take your hand while he's driving, because you're the one driving and the one who has to decide if you can do without one of your hands for a time. And, of course, there is all that driving between their place and yours. Of course, it wasn't really a big deal that we spent all our "hanging out" time at their places, because I lived with my parents at the time.

Even though I now live somewhere with excellent public transportation, I would still prefer to date someone with a car. I wouldn't mind splitting the driving responsibilities, and I certainly wouldn't mind having the option. It also shows a certain amount of financial responsibility by being able to own and maintain a car, which is attractive, even if the car is a beater - I don't require the extra flash of something new and sporty.

The one of the four who did have his own car? I took it from him and drove it for the remainder of college, and the entirety of my "ownership" of it was after we broke up. Of course, it was because he was deployed to the Middle East and we remained good enough friends that he trusted me with it.

A guy not having a car isn't a dealbreaker (though his reasons for not having one might be - e.g. financial irresponsibility), but at this point in my life and dating career, it would be a cause for pause.

It's my life, not yours

I like to think I'm pretty good with words. But there are those I find who can express my thoughts so much better than I could. This is one of those times. Saturday, Manolo For the Brides wrote a post called "Whose Decision?" Should that really be a question we are asking? But it is. And it has to be asked too often.

I am surrounded by people who love me. And I know this because they all have opinions about what I should be doing with my life. If they didn't love me they wouldn't care enough to tell me what to do. Right?

Ever since meeting the boyfriend over three years ago... Okay, that's wrong. Since about six months after meeting the boyfriend, I've been hearing from one person or another that he just needs to marry me, that if he didn't act soon it meant he was leading me on and just playing with me, that there must be something wrong with him if he hadn't already married me, that if we aren't already married then I'm just wasting my time with him, that I should just dump him since he hadn't married me already. And many more such statements that I can't specifically remember at this time.

Seriously people! It's not your life!

I do talk a lot about my life and my relationships, but that does not mean that these people know everything there is to know about the relationship, that they have all the details of the issues he and I have been working through. In fact, I don't talk about the big issues/problems much at all. I believe that the issues a couple is working through should be worked through by the couple. I do not want to have told someone else about it and then after it's been resolved, still have that other person not yet over it. It's why I don't tell my mom about disagreements or such I have with a boyfriend. If we work through it and I end up marrying the guy, I don't want my mom to have past bad feelings for him when I'm clearly over it.

As to the boyfriend, there have been some pretty big issues that have come up between us, issues that unless they were resolved wouldn't have contributed to a healthy marriage. They are also issues I haven't told anyone else about. So leave us in peace to work through them. When we're ready, we'll get married.

And the comments of "it's about time" or "I don't know what's taking you so long" are generally not appreciated. It will be in the time it's supposed to be. And of course you don't know what's taking so long, you don't need to know.

A friend of mine asked this week what had changed between the boyfriend and I since we'd voiced our love to each other. Honestly, pretty much nothing has changed. This friend said that we had a pretty solid relationship so they weren't surprised nothing had changed. And how did we get that solid relationship? By working through our issues on our own in our own time.

Rings do not go in food

I realize that this is an old story, by news standards, but apparently a woman accidentally swallowed the ring her boyfriend had put in her milkshake in order to propose to her. They had to wait for it to go all the way through her digestive system and out the other end before she could wear it.

Um. Ew.

Whatever you do, do not propose to me by hiding my ring in my food. I don't want my ring to be all covered in food when I first see it. And I certainly don't want to wear something that's been in my digestive tract, which means the first time I see it is in the toilet. Covered in, well, you know.

No! Gross!

I actually don't have too many preferences for how I'm proposed to. Because the guy will have been dating me for a while, and will know me and us, I have no doubt that it will be perfect for us, somehow.

I do want it to be a surprise, if at all possible. We can have been talking about marriage, but I'd like the actual proposal to be a surprise. I also have a ring box I'd like him to use, for sentimental reasons. Other than that, just don't put my ring in anything I may accidentally swallow and have to wait two days for.

Restaurants

When I go to a restaurant on a date I follow a few guidelines when ordering. I get the menu and start looking at a few things that might be good. Then, after we've both had time to look at the menu, I ask my date what he's thinking of getting. Part of me is interested in what they might be wanting to eat, but the main reason I do that is so I can get an idea of how much they want to spend on food. Once I know what they want to eat, I pick something that's around that same price range, within a few dollars above or below. That way I'm not ordering the 16oz steak when they were thinking of splitting an appetizer or two (splitting appetizers is fun). But I also won't leave them thinking I'm some prissy girl who just wants a salad if they were eyeing the lobster tail.

This weekend it worked out pretty well for us too. I asked him what he was looking at, and he said he always likes steak, but that the chicken looked pretty good too. I thought the chicken looked good as well so I ordered that and he got the steak. About half way through I asked him how his steak was. He said it was real good and we swapped bites of each other's dinner (the steak was good). He said it was great because he was going to order the chicken but when I told the waiter that's what I wanted he figured he'd get a bite of it and went ahead and ordered his steak.

The Thing About Advice

We've all been given advice. "You'll find a husband if . . ." "Shouldn't you be . . .?" "Why don't you try . . .?"

That's all well and good, but honestly? Most of it is a load of crap.

No one really knows what you need to do about finding a mate except for you. And since we here believe in Him, the Lord. Those close to you, like family or real friends, may have some ideas, but only you really know you. Others who have direct stewardship for you, like your father or your bishop, can give you council on the matter, as directed by Heavenly Father, but no one else can give you any 100% useful advice.

Now, there are things that should apply to everyone - Take care of yourself, be the best you that you can be (physically, mentally, spiritually), be worthy of your goals (i.e. If you want to have a temple marriage, be worthy of the temple.), and maybe a handful of other things.

Otherwise, no one really knows. You can change something that one ex-boyfriend didn't like about you, say, your affinity for all things purple, but that may be the thing that seals with the deal with the man you're supposed to marry. Would it help if you went to more ward activities? Maybe, but if your ward activity is, for instance, ice skating, and you hate ice skating, wouldn't you rather meet someone when you're having a great time?

So, all advice really should be taken with a grain of salt. Even what you read here. We all have things about us that we need to improve, so if you hear something that sounds like it could apply to your life, go ahead. But, never, ever, do something just because someone who doesn't (or even does) know you said you should.