Cravings

Sk8er Boi and I saw each other every day for over two weeks and at least talked (usually via text) every day for the two months since we'd been dating. Then he left on a week long roadtrip to his hometown and I haven't heard from him much since he's been gone.

No worries, I told myself. He's just busy with his family and old friends. He did say that he hated to leave you for a week and it would suck if you found someone else while he was gone. He's been quick on the response when you've texted him, which hasn't been all the time or even each day because you're not a crazy needy person, and initiated the conversation at least once.

There was no indication anything was wrong before he left - why would that change?

My guy friends all assured me that I was right. There wasn't anything to be concerned about. He'd get back soon and return to his usual habits of saying good morning every day and all would be well.

But I couldn't shake that niggling little doubt brought on by years of guys going ghost on me for no discernible reason and all associated insecurities. We're also not officially defined as boyfriend/girlfriend yet, so there's a certain lack of commitment from both parties. I've had a hard time focusing on going about my daily routine and tried to mentally list all the reasons he might have for having spent his vacation talking himself out of us and then listing all the reasons why those reasons were crazy and he wouldn't think that.

I hate it. I'm a classic overthinker and it really, really, really is hard to stop. There was absolutely nothing I could do but wait for Sk8er Boi to come home, but my brain wouldn't stop.

Until today, when I had yet another talk about it with one of my Four Old Guys (that I actually share with Roxie) and he reminded me of the physiological implications of a separation of this nature and it was like a lightbulb had finally turned on!

I've likened breakups to withdrawals from drug addiction and science has too, so why wouldn't a temporary separation have similar implications? It's tempered only by the fact that it IS temporary and we'll be together again soon. I overdosed on Sk8er Boi and the endorphins I experience by being with him before he left, so I miss my fix and that feel good sensation of his presence and attention.

So why isn't he going through something similar? That's easily explainable too. He's with his family and some long-time friends that give him that same pleasurable feeling of love and acceptance that he gets from being with me and his friends where we live, so he isn't experiencing the same need that I am. I've noticed that when I'm in the presence of friends of my own this last week, I've felt more at peace with the situation and now I know it's because I was feeling those love endorphins I so need right now!

Basically, my feelings can be summed up like this:

I'm not broken, or crazy. I'm human. I should see Sk8er Boi tomorrow. Everything is most likely totally fine, and I feel a lot better than I did this morning.

See Jane Run

Story time!

Girl goes dancing.

Girl meets boy.

Girl and boy hit it off and eventually spend the last hour of the event only dancing with each other.

Girl and boy promise to look each other up on Facebook, because he lives in a different state.

Girl realizes this is lame, but sends boy a message within a couple of days.

Girl never hears from boy, but finds out from mutual friends that he had broken up with his girlfriend the same night she had met boy so decided she should probably write boy off.

Two months pass.

Girl goes dancing.

Girl runs into same boy, who is apparently visiting again.

Girl and boy don't pair off again, but they still get along rather well and finally exchange phone numbers.

Girl and boy spend almost the entirety of MLK Day together, with and without other friends.

Boy updates girl on flight status.

Girl adds boy on Facebook.

Girl never hears from boy again.

Boy is lame.

Girl is bummed.

Girl moves on.

Distance makes the heart...

There are two possible conclusions to that phase. Distance either makes the heart "grow fonder" or "go yonder." And a lot plays in to determining which direction it goes.

My experience ended the best way possible, but there are a lot of reasons why that happened. People used to ask me how I handled being 800 miles away. But that was how we met, we didn't know any different the first 2 years we knew each other. And that helped. If we'd started closer and then been that far apart our story probably would've had a much different ending. The heart would've gone yonder. But that's not to say that the distance made the heart grow fonder initially. Because it didn't do that either.

Long distance relationships have several challenges in common with regular at-hand relationships, but they also have their own set of problems. And at the same time they also have some of their own advantages.

Here's just a few of those challenges and advantages from my own experience.

Advantage
- The relationship is based on communication, because that's all you have. I've been in relationships that were based on the physical, and that always implodes. I've been in relationships that had no base, and those fall quite fast. But learning how each other communicates can be huge.

Challenge
- Some people develop multiple personalities when they communicate through technology. Who you think you are communicating with might not be the person you'd communicate with in real life. That's not so much a problem with the distance as it is with the person. I'm actually very wary of people who act one way on-line and a completely different way in real life. It feels like a lie to me. If someone says "but I'm real nice in person" I don't want to be friends with them.

Advantage
- Speed. There generally isn't any in a long-distance relationship. You get time to think and for things to develop. Leaping before looking is much less likely (as long as you aren't psycho and up and move right after meeting).

Challenge
- Speed. There isn't any. There are so many things about a relationship that develop through the day-to-day of life and they just can't happen over a distance. Distance allows you to not see each other at the end of a bad day at work. It means that when you are together you are at your best, your house is clean, and you put on your first-date behavior each time.

Advantage
- Depending on just how you communicate, your entire relationship can be documented in writing. We used email and instant messenger mostly and it is real fun at this point to go back and read those.

Challenge
- It is real easy for one person to make more out of the relationship than the other. While this is true of any relationship, when you have more time to think between interactions, when you don't have the intricacies of body language to help you interpret what is being said, it is very easy to misunderstand each other.

You can develop good friendships over a distance. But if you want more out of the relationship, you just have to be closer. The distance part of our relationship gave us a solid friendship built on communication, but when my life brought me closer we still had to build our friendship all over again, this time based on life.