Choosing to marry as an introvert

Once upon a time, both Roxie and I shared our thoughts about relationships and introversion. My thoughts are here, Roxie's are here.

Before I met Roscoe, I was worried about how I would make the transition from interminably single to married. Since I am older and more set in my ways than your average Mormon child bride, I was worried about that too. Roscoe and I remember talking at the beginning of our relationship about how I might want to go off and do my own thing and get space once in a while. I had hope that I would be able to let someone into my life, especially permanently, without having a "people hangover", but I didn't know how that was going to happen.

Well, as Roxie has been telling for a while now, when there is love and choice in the matter, it's a lot easier than you think! Roscoe and I see each other EVERY day. I can't remember the last time I didn't see him at some point during our day.

And I can't get enough of him.

It helps a LOT that he is an introvert as well, has similar social behavior to my own when we're out at church or with friends and is perfectly content doing his own thing when we're just us and one of us has something we need to accomplish, though we spend our mutual leisure time doing the same activity.

Right now, we're in our huge apartment together, with triple the square footage of the apartment we spent the majority of our courtship in, and there might be an inch between us on the couch. He's doing his project for the evening and I'm doing mine. We lightly touch the other (he just rubbed the back of his hand on my leg) or request a kiss or talk as we are so moved to, but, if anything, we're feeding off each other's presence without draining the other's energy.

It might be different when we're seeing each other in the mornings too, but on the occasions where we are practically together from waking up to going to sleep (mostly Saturdays and Sundays), I still don't get tired of being around him, and I can't say that for the vast majority of people I know. Especially not many days in a row.

We considered it a sign that after 10 days of traveling to meet each other's families and being practically inseparable during that time we didn't want to part ways when our trip was over and go back to our own homes, even though we knew we'd see each other the next evening. We never fought once during that trip and didn't need to take "space".

It's awesome and certainly better than I might have hoped!

Working together

Yesterday, Roscoe and I ran a LOT of errands together. Post office, clothing store, groceries, and some other things I'm surely forgetting. We also tried to set up the Internet in our new apartment together and after 90 minutes on the phone, mostly on hold, got a really late start on our errands and an appointment with a tech. We also worked out together and studied side by side.

Today, we worked with the tech to get the Internet up and running for real. We made dinner together and cleaned up together. We got our portion of the wedding invitations stuffed and hand-corrected a typo on all of them. We updated our wedding registry and finalized our wedsite.

Was it the most fun work? Not always. But was it fun to do it together? Absolutely. I don't think couples need to be joined at the hip all the time, but I do think they need to share burdens and work together. It has helped us grow and strengthened our relationship. Plus, it really is more enjoyable to run errands and do the business of being us with Roscoe. We had time to talk and hold hands and make decisions together. I'll take that over running errands alone any day!

Love and gratitude

And now the post I thought I would be writing last week and didn't.

My mom taught me to write thank you notes. I sent thank you notes each year to my grandpas for the birthday and Christmas gifts they gave. I wrote thank you notes to people who did nice things for me. We made sure we hand wrote personal thank you notes after our wedding. I was still getting over a hand injury from earlier in the year so I could only do five or so at a time before my hand hurt too much, but I'd do five a day till mine were all done.

I sincerely hope that hand written thank yous never disappear. Although the fact that someone thought our thank you note sent a month after the wedding was a pregnancy announcement probably says something. I never got a thank you note from that person after their wedding two years earlier either.

The first of January I was reading "The Art of Manliness" and there was a post about making a resolution to write a romantic love note to your significant other every week for a year - A Resolution for Romance: The 52 Love Notes Challenge. And I thought to myself, "self, you can do that." And I have. And it's fun, especially finding new places to hide them. And especially when I get notes back.

Except here's the problem. My love notes keep coming out like thank you notes. Thank you for your love. Thank you for the way you look at me. Thank you for always sorting the laundry. Thank you for the beautiful surprise that you are in my life.

But is that really a problem? Isn't expressing gratitude just another way to express love? Thank you notes and love notes often express the same thing, just in different forms.

The world needs more love/gratitude notes. Find someone this week you can write a note to.

Thank you dear internet for giving me a place to share my thoughts. Thank you for sharing yours with me.

Communication isn't dead

As someone who has had a very long string of dates/encounters/not quite relationships that failed due to a complete lack of communication and a dearth of honesty, I am really enjoying how well my new guy and I communicate.

(Sidenote: He needs a nickname. I'll work on that.)

I really appreciate how open he is about how he's feeling about his past, his present, and, most especially, us, and that I can do the same. We had a really great discussion last night about how neither of us are dating anyone else and we don't want this to end anytime soon, but he's not ready to ask me to be his girlfriend just yet. He only got out of his last long-term relationship a week before asking me out, and it had ended so badly that he just wants to take his time this go-round. In fact, he brought the topic up, all of his own accord. This isn't the first time we've had an open discussion about us, and I'm just so thrilled that we already having such good talks about our relationship. As you know, I hate playing the guessing game and it's discussions like last night's that remind me I really don't have anything to worry about right now.

Sure, sometimes he teases me mercilessly and doesn't always tack on something shmoopy when saying hello in the morning, but then we have quiet and honest conversations about where we're headed and he hugs me so completely that I know we're okay.

In this age of texting, Facebook, and all manner of instant gratification, it's wonderful to find out that it hasn't completely killed heartfelt communication (though I do recommend Single Blonde in the City's thoughtful post on the matter). I had wondered, before this relationship started blooming, if I was ever going to have long conversations late into the night filled with both laughter and tears and really connect with someone again. The last time I was in a truly serious relationship, Facebook was still brand new and only open to certain universities and texting hadn't quite taken off the way it has now.

But we do talk, openly, and it is fantastic. I know him well enough and am comfortable enough in this relationship to know that the fact he wasn't talking much at dinner last night was because we were in a loud sports bar with over 50 televisions. It was no reflection on me at all, even though he teased that maybe he brought me there because he was tired of hearing me talk. However, I can tell the difference between his teasing voice and his honest voice and this was definitely the former, especially since it was coupled with his mischievous grin.

Silly boy.

There really is something different about this one, and I'm loving it.

Nailbiter

The very beginning of relationship is so much fun, right? The giggling when he does something so sweet, the anticipation of that first kiss (or even the 27th, because it's still so new), wondering what he has planned for your next date. The butterflies. The new sparks. That first time you hold hands.

Except I kind of hate it.

In the midst of all that new and exciting cuteness, there's the insecurity that comes from none of your last several guys making it past a month for often indiscernible reasons, so why should this time be any different? There's the fact that you're still learning to communicate with each other, and you're not quite sure when he's teasing or being serious or what his love language is and neither is he about you.

Today, for example, we sent text messages back and forth for a few hours and instead of focusing on the the facts that he called me "hun" twice in one text last night, then sent me a text relatively soon after waking today, and our texts today ranged from intellectual to flirty and remained constant until he got to work, my brain keeps pointing out that he hasn't called me by any term of endearment yet today, nor have we set up any plans for tomorrow when we're both finally free, and that I had to initiate our conversation after work last night.

Why, brain? Why?

I would much rather be in that comfortable middle ground, where you're definitely in a relationship and while there are still risks and potential exits, it's more secure. You know each other better, can read each other's moods, and are cementing stronger communication patterns to work out the little kinks or even the not so little ones.

Yes, the beginning of something new can be crazy awesome. I happen to love that we text each other good night and good morning and talk everyday, even if we don't see each other more than two or three times a week yet. Considering the circumstances of his last relationship and how it ended, I'm pretty sure he's not a runner. I just have to remember to take a breath. We're taking things slow and talking LOTS, so we're good. We have to go through this insecure part to get to the comfortable middle anyway.

Am I crazy? Have you experienced the same thing? Should I just ask if he still wants to go out tomorrow and stop worrying about it?

Be Excellent To Each Other

Disclaimer: Allusions to strong language and a plea not to use certain terms.

When I first heard the c-word for a woman, I was relatively unphased. I had escaped the previous 20 years or so not knowing of its existence and, therefore, was unaware of the weight it carried. Eventually, that changed. I came to realize how harsh and unkind it really was and it was added to the list of words the truly shock and offend me when I hear it, no matter the context.

And now, I can't seem to escape it. Somehow, certain people I follow online seem to toss that word around like it means nothing, among other random occurrences. While I usually don't care if someone needs to vent about a co-worker or roommate, hearing them referred to as such a cruel term makes my heart hurt. Similarly, it kills me a little inside when I hear females calling each other "whore" or worse, a la Mean Girls.

Fortunately, I have never been called any of those things, at least not to my face. Although, if anyone ever did call me a "ho", you can bet this would happen with lightning speed: How Not To Address a Lady and most of the time I hear things like this, I want to shout "Stop it! Are they really a ____? No, so be nice!"

Unfortunately, I am not innocent of using less heavy terms but with similar sentiment. I don't just throw it around in my everyday parlance, but I have been know to refer to someone else as a female dog, usually in extreme jest. But even in jest and to a party who knows without a doubt I don't really think that of them, is it really necessary?

No. It is not.

Maybe it's the pseudo-Southern girl in me, but I really do strive to be nice to everyone, sometimes to a fault. I don't like everyone I meet, not by a long shot, but I'm at least nice to them. I'm even nice to my neighbor who launches into a tirade about something new every time we see each other.

So why would I call my friends unkind terms? Why should anyone?

I really wish we wouldn't, and I hereby resolve to do a better job and live by this standard:

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~Plato

Life is hard enough without us being mean to each other all the time. No one is perfect, but I'm willing to bet that most of us are actually trying to be a good person and do good things, and we shouldn't discount that.

So, what do you think? Are you with me?

Do you make the first move?

If you're an American woman, chances are that you don't. If you're a Spanish woman, you do! A new study by an international dating site found that Spanish women are twice as likely as American women to initiate contact. Only Ecuadorian women are less outgoing.

Well. That's disheartening.

Now, I've done the online dating thing in the past. I made first contact sometimes, if a guy really caught my interest. Obviously, the online dating thing hasn't worked for me, and I don't actively participate in it at this time.

But what about in person? I was just talking on Monday about how I could benefit from opening my mouth more. Apparently, this is a theme for me this month.

What I really need to do is stop talking about it, and actually do something. Time to find me a wingwoman and go to the Institute dance this weekend!

How are you doing on making the first move?

Distance makes the heart...

There are two possible conclusions to that phase. Distance either makes the heart "grow fonder" or "go yonder." And a lot plays in to determining which direction it goes.

My experience ended the best way possible, but there are a lot of reasons why that happened. People used to ask me how I handled being 800 miles away. But that was how we met, we didn't know any different the first 2 years we knew each other. And that helped. If we'd started closer and then been that far apart our story probably would've had a much different ending. The heart would've gone yonder. But that's not to say that the distance made the heart grow fonder initially. Because it didn't do that either.

Long distance relationships have several challenges in common with regular at-hand relationships, but they also have their own set of problems. And at the same time they also have some of their own advantages.

Here's just a few of those challenges and advantages from my own experience.

Advantage
- The relationship is based on communication, because that's all you have. I've been in relationships that were based on the physical, and that always implodes. I've been in relationships that had no base, and those fall quite fast. But learning how each other communicates can be huge.

Challenge
- Some people develop multiple personalities when they communicate through technology. Who you think you are communicating with might not be the person you'd communicate with in real life. That's not so much a problem with the distance as it is with the person. I'm actually very wary of people who act one way on-line and a completely different way in real life. It feels like a lie to me. If someone says "but I'm real nice in person" I don't want to be friends with them.

Advantage
- Speed. There generally isn't any in a long-distance relationship. You get time to think and for things to develop. Leaping before looking is much less likely (as long as you aren't psycho and up and move right after meeting).

Challenge
- Speed. There isn't any. There are so many things about a relationship that develop through the day-to-day of life and they just can't happen over a distance. Distance allows you to not see each other at the end of a bad day at work. It means that when you are together you are at your best, your house is clean, and you put on your first-date behavior each time.

Advantage
- Depending on just how you communicate, your entire relationship can be documented in writing. We used email and instant messenger mostly and it is real fun at this point to go back and read those.

Challenge
- It is real easy for one person to make more out of the relationship than the other. While this is true of any relationship, when you have more time to think between interactions, when you don't have the intricacies of body language to help you interpret what is being said, it is very easy to misunderstand each other.

You can develop good friendships over a distance. But if you want more out of the relationship, you just have to be closer. The distance part of our relationship gave us a solid friendship built on communication, but when my life brought me closer we still had to build our friendship all over again, this time based on life.

Open your mouth!

In contrast to Trixie's excellent post yesterday, sometimes I could use a reminder to open my dang mouth. But, since I'm an introvert, it's not always easy.

Want to meet that guy? Open your mouth!

Want to flirt with that guy? Open your mouth!

Want to learn that guy's last name? Open your mouth!

Want to spend time with that friend, guy or girl? Open your mouth!

I'm not a supermodel, so I'm not going to catch a guy with looks alone. I'm going to have to also use my wit, charm, and sparkling personality. To do that, I'm going to have to open my mouth.

Plus, there's this:

Never mind those last 10 pounds. According to a new study, men care more about a woman’s face than they do about her body when seeking a long-term relationship.

More on that here.

Part of that face is my mouth, and I shouldn't be shy about using it, because if I can use it for the smiling and then for the talking, soon I'll get to use it again for the kissing.

Dating as an Introvert

Since Trixie outed Roxie and me as introverts yesterday, I think now is good time to discuss how it affects my dating life, because, let me tell you, it totally does.

First, a definition or two. An introvert is someone who recharges by being alone and find other people tiring. Extroverts, on the other hand, are recharged by other people and fade when alone. Introversion to extroversion is a spectrum, and most people fall somewhere in the middle, rather than on the extreme ends. Introverts are not necessarily shy or misanthropic, we're just misunderstood.

For me specifically, I am definitely not shy, I have excellent social skills, and I do love having long and meaningful conversations.

However, as an introvert:

I loathe small talk.

Exchanging pleasantries and meaningless conversation is difficult for me, especially it's just done to fill space or time. Unfortunately, first meetings and first dates are often completely made of small talk and it feels like a waste of time and words. I recognize it has its place and does help you to get to know someone, and I will engage in it, but it's still hard for me. Therefore, I probably come across as, at best, quiet or, at worst, arrogant when I first meet someone. Those are not first impressions that are erased easily.

Large gatherings are killer.

Linger longers, house parties, bars etc. There are too many social interactions going on at once for me. It's incredibly draining as I feel I have to circulate and find people to talk to. I'm fine when I find one or two people to talk to as I drown out the madness around me, but, as I mentioned, I hate small talk, so getting into that is hard. Unfortunately, it's one of the best ways to meet new people, but as I'm out of my element, I'm probably throwing out that uncomfortable vibe, and that's not helpful.

New groups are hard.

I do great with small groups, particularly of good friends. On the other hand, if I'm the new person in a group that already knows each other, I have a difficult time breaking in. Somehow, I feel like anything I have to include isn't really worth saying, or I won't be heard, or something. It's tricky to explain. But if you see or are in a small group of people laughing and talking and one or two people quietly smiling and nodding and only saying something occasionally, that/those person(s) is/are probably an introvert. It doesn't mean I'm not enjoying myself, just that I'm waiting to say something I feel is worth saying. It's why in high school I could watch my friends laugh and play video games for hours while I just sat there. Didn't need to play or engage in the conversation to have a good time.

As an example of the last two points:

When I first moved to my city, my roommates took me out the very next night for a friend's birthday. The first activity was bowling with a select group of friends, maybe 8 people tops, divided into 4 people at each lane. I was just fine talking and getting to know these new people as each interaction was one at a time, but after bowling was cake and ice cream back at someone's house, with seemingly every young single adult in the whole area invited. There were at least 80-100 people there. Within an hour, I was perched in a corner, spent and ready to go home whenever my roommates were. I had reached my new people quotient for the evening and was overwhelmed by everything going on. I wasn't quite fetal and rocking back and forth in my discomfort, but I was most definitely done. Usually, in such situations, I make sure to drive myself, so that I can retreat as soon as I'm ready. I often tell myself that if I'm not having a good time or feeling drained after a certain period of time at a party, I am free to go home. A lot of the time, I stay longer than I first intended and have a great time, but at least I have the option.

I truly am content to spend a week's worth of evenings at home before I start thinking "Oh, I think I need some face time with someone." I live alone for a reason (having people I am not committed to loving in my personal, intimate, home space is akin to hell, I have decided). I love other people, and I really am interesting, engaging, fun person to be around, and I need to have people in my life. But, I also need my solitude, so I don't go bats*** crazy and cranky and send killer death rays with my eyes just because someone asked me a polite question and invaded my personal space. If I've had enough recharge time, all of those things are tempered. Balancing my need for people and love with my need for time alone is an ongoing challenge, but I'm getting better at it.

Are any of you introverts or in a relationship with one? I'd love to hear your experiences!

In the meantime, some mandatory reading for introverts and those who love us:

Caring For Your Introvert - An excellent introduction to introversion and what it means

The Introvert's Corner - Psychology Today

The Introvert Advantage - I own this and will make my future husband read it. It's like my owner's manual.

Intimidating

I have quite a few male acquaintances, and a lucky few I even consider real friends. I get along with them well, we can spend time together separately or in groups, and our time together can often be engaging and enjoyable, at least from my perspective.

Also, I may not be a supermodel, or even a size 6, but I do think I’m at least attractive. I’m not grossly overweight and I make an effort with my appearance – exercise, makeup, dress, hair, good dental hygiene, etc. I’ve even been told I look hot/beautiful/nice.

Forget why I don’t have a boyfriend yet, why can’t I even get a date?

It must me be, right?

I asked JT if there was anything glaringly obvious in my appearance or my behavior that I was missing that would be a turn off, and he couldn’t really think of anything.

However, considering that he has only rarely seen me interact with other people, since it’s usually just us, and he doesn’t really know my other friends, though he has met some of them, I realized that, while a helpful source (e.g. my crooked nose isn’t to blame), he wasn’t able to speak for a larger population than himself.
So, I put my big girl pants on and asked another trusted male friend, Lorenzo, what he knew about why I wasn’t dating.

His qualifications:

1. He is a member of my faith, and has the same beliefs about marriage and its importance as I do.
2. He actually dates.
3. We have mutual friends, most of whom he has spent significant time with and discussed such topics.
4. Our relationship has been clearly defined as platonic.

Using qualification number 3 as our starting point, I asked him, “What do you know about why I haven’t been asked out in the year I’ve been in this ward?” I made it clear I didn’t want details about who had said exactly what, just the things I should improve upon, as I’m the only one I can change.

I was afraid it was going to come out like this:



Fortunately, I really appreciated his answer.

“You can be intimidating.”

It makes a lot of sense. When you get to know me, you know I can be thoughtful, love engaging on a meaningful level with others, and will bend over backwards for the people I care about. However, upon first introduction, I can come across as a bit of a self-absorbed know-it-all.

“Yes,” said Lorenzo, “You’ve studied many things, and accomplished quite a lot, but you can present that in a way that makes you more approachable.”

When discussing the findings with my mother, she suggested that I could still admit to knowing something about a given topic, but not being a source of authority on it unless necessary.

For example:

What NOT to do-

Other Person: I’m studying Subject X.

Me: Oh I read about book about that as part of this non-fiction kick I’ve been on lately, with my friend Roxie. It’s amazing that Aspect Q and Aspect E are so alike! And then I realized how it affected my Thing and then everything just clicked.

Other Person: Um, yeah.

What TO do:

Other Person: I’m studying Subject X.

Me: Oh I read a book about that once. I really liked learning about Aspect Q especially. What do you like about it?

Other Person: Let me tell you!

Obviously, in that scenario Other Person will, hopefully, see that I’m more interested in them and their knowledge or experience than in my own, and that can’t be bad.

It’s much easier than my father’s suggestion, from a similar conversation we had long before I ever talked to Lorenzo.

“Well, maybe you don’t tell them you’re THE Person Who Does What You Do, just A Person Who Does a Broader Version of That.”

“It’s going to come out eventually. When I tell someone I’m A Person Who Does What I Do, they almost always say, ‘Oh cool, where?’ and I say, ‘The Whole Organization’, and they say, ‘Oh, like at This Department?’ and I say, ‘No, actually I work for That Department as The Person Who Does What I Do.“

It’s much easier to start with being THE instead of A, but it’s essentially the same idea that Mom and Lorenzo suggested – be personable and engaging, without coming across as a stuffy egghead. Yes, it may seem a little like a head game, which I’m very much opposed to as a general rule, but sending the right message about ourselves is important. We can’t use a Vulcan mind meld or Jedi “mind trick” to ensure we convey our message exactly as we intended.

I know exactly why I can come across as a know-it-all, which actually helps. I was taking 8th grade courses in 6th grade. I graduated from college early at 20, knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my career at 22, and started doing it. And I have read a lot about a lot. Jack of all trades, master of a few (literally, you can legitimately call me Master Jinxie). I’m the oldest child, and therefore destined to be a little bossy. I AM a well-educated, highly motivated woman, and have been for quite some time. Unfortunately, being that awesome at 22 (which is when I got the job I have now), you have to fight some age-ism and convince people that you really do know your stuff, despite your birthdate. Confident, disciplined, and self-motivated can easily be interpreted as arrogant, inflexible, and unapproachable, and I don’t want that.

Once, I had a roommate who was working on an engineering degree. We met a young man who essentially told her “Oh, I can do all that engineering stuff, but I don’t have a degree in it. I just read a few books. I could probably get an engineering job easy.”

We were appalled at his arrogance. I don’t want to be that guy.

So, I’m working on it. It hasn’t translated into anything tangible (like a date), yet, but it can’t be hurting my chances.

And, as Lorenzo reminded me as well, it never hurts to smile.

Substitution

I recently attended a dinner party comprised of three married couples, a single male friend, and myself. Somehow, the subject of the various forms of online communication was brought up - email, blogs, Facebook, Twitter, etc.

We had organized this dinner via Facebook and email, and at least half of us have blogs, so we all understand the appeal of them. It was the use of Twitter we debated. One of the other women tried it, didn't really get it, and stopped tweeting pretty quickly. I was the one who taught the other singleton about it a few months ago, because I do use it (as my real self), regularly. No one else had really even tried it, so of course they don't understand it.

One of the husbands said something to the affect that whatever he has to share that he might tweet about, if he tweeted, he just shares with his wife. He may have added another comment, but I can't remember at this point. Whether he meant to or not, his subtext was that maybe I wouldn't need to tweet if I had a spouse to talk to, that I was substituting my lack of romantic life with an online one.

I took the bait and told him that maybe he was right. I do live alone and have my own office at work, seeing only one or two people in person a day on average, so maybe I do need an online outlet to get my daily connection fix. We all shrugged and the conversation changed.

Then I got to thinking about it. Maybe he is right. On the other hand, maybe he isn't. Yes, the internet, in all its outlets, is my primary form of communication these days, but I'm generally talking to people I know in real life. My boss and colleagues and I communicate via email, as we all work in different buildings in our local metropolitan area. Trixie, Roxie, and I chat online almost everyday. My extended family writes emails to each other at least weekly (my immediate family I do talk to on the phone). My Tweeps (followers on Twitter) and Facebook friends are mostly actual friends and we rely on the internet to communicate around the globe. I'm not just posting to the void, I'm talking to actual people I know and love, and a few friendly strangers who are listening in.

I don't think this will stop when I have a boyfriend or husband. It hasn't stopped for Roxie. Many of the other people I read via blogs or Twitter are married or otherwise involved. So, for this husband, it's not his way of communicating with the outside world, but it is mine and there's nothing wrong with that.

Glowing

It happens all the time in movies and in literacy. The woman walks in. The man looks up and sees her. And time stops. She glows. He's speechless.

The first time I remember this phenomenon was watching the animated movie Anastasia. They go to the ballet and she's all dressed up fancy. He turns from having handed over their coats and sees her at the top of the stairs. And he just stops. She has that look that can stop a man. I wanted to be able to do that.

In the book Memoirs of a Geisha she's told that she won't be ready until she can stop a man just by looking at him. She reaches a point in her training when she's walking down the street and she looks at a man riding past on a bicycle. He sees her, and promptly crashes his bicycle into the nearest cart. She had a look that could stop a man. I wondered if I'd ever be able to do that.

Then earlier this year I was watching the movie IQ with a group of friends. Early in the movie, Catherine Boyd comes into the mechanic shop with her current boyfriend and Ed Walters sees her for the first time. And time stops. And she glows with a heavenly light.

At that scene I made a general comment to the room that I'd like to glow like that for a guy some day. And HP looked at me with a hurt look on his face and said something to the effect of, "some day?"

Did he already see me glowing? Had there already been a moment when he'd looked at me and time had stopped? Why was I not aware that he saw me that way? Why don't guys tell us when we do that? Why can't they make it more obvious and crash their bicycle or something so we know?!

The answers to those questions are probably similar to the answers we'd give to questions guys would ask about why we don't tell them we're interested or whatever other such things guys think about.

But still, it's nice to know that, maybe once, I have made time stop for a guy.

Not in polite society

There's a saying that you should never talk about politics or religion in polite society. And I've definitely known my fair share of people who should really take that into consideration.

A good example is the young man recently who was riding in my car with me to a ward activity in the next town. It's a two hour drive, and before we'd even left town (which granted takes about 45 minutes because of traffic and construction), he'd already started three arguments with me on a political issue which I have a certain level of expertize as well as strong opinions on. That was one of the longest two hour drives of my life.

And it's for situations like that that it is suggested to avoid talking politics. But it doesn't have to be that way.

HP has some strong political ideas in a certain direction. But he has those opinions because he's researched the ideas and really thought about the options and not just because some talking head on TV or the radio said it was a good idea. One of our good friends has some strong political ideas in the other direction, and for the same reasons, she just came to a different conclusion.

Watching the two of them talk politics is interesting. But for me, it's more fun to watch everyone else watch them. Everyone seems to just expect the two of them to get into an ugly uncivil name calling argument. But it doesn't reach that point. Both of them respect the opinion of the other because they know how they came to have that opinion. It is possible to have a civil conversation about politics, and those two are great examples of it.

Knowing what I know about HP's political ideas, I can guess how he votes in elections, but I don't know for sure. I don't ask him and I don't expect him to tell me. Our ideas line up pretty well on most issues, and he can probably guess how I vote, but I'm not going to tell him unless he asks. I think that's part of being polite about politics, it's respecting the thought process of the other. Matching political opinions isn't necessary in a relationship, but respect of those opinions is.

We were actually at dinner once last year when he realized he didn't know all of my opinions on political issues. I'm not associated with any political party. So while we ate he started listing off as many issues as he could think of and I told him in a sentence or two how I felt about each. He didn't judge my opinions. It was purely curiosity.

So maybe it isn't that in polite society one shouldn't talk about politics. Because polite, respectful, and civil people can calmly talk about politics. It's only in impolite, disrespectful, and uncivil society that people probably shouldn't talk about politics. There's just too many impolite, disrespectful, and uncivil people talking about it for my liking.

Happy election day!

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

A week of emails and discussions later (some of those emails were practically five-page double-spaced papers, one of mine even including section headings and references), we've reached a new level of understanding. We referenced examples in speeches, comic strips, movies, television shows, and commercials. The conclusions we reached about each other, what we expect from relationships, and what we are comfortable with were extremely eye-opening in some places, even as I thought just about myself and who I am.

But I'm left wondering - Where is the instruction manual???? Why can't I just get a booklet that lists what to do in different situations or the best way to express a thought or idea to be understood? Surely we are not the first two people in the world who have tried to work this out, why hasn't anyone written it down before? We have instructions on how to use shampoo, why can't we have instructions on how to talk to a man? (And before you say it, I've read "Mars & Venus" and other books, and they really wouldn't help at all in this situation, in fact, I've found they aren't much use in most situations.)

I need to find the lather-rinse-repeat label on this relationship. Because right now it seems to be almost try-fail-discuss. At least the failures are getting smaller and the discussions are getting better.

Latest strange compliment: You're an oddball. But it was said with such love that it makes me smile

We need to talk...

Good: Talking about your relationship and knowing where you stand and what each other is thinking so you aren't making assumptions.

Bad: Giving two days notice that such a conversation will be taking place to a woman who is experiencing the rollercoaster that is PMS hormones so she then has two days to bounce back and forth between imagining the extremes on both end of a relationship spectrum.

We're definitely going to need more chocolate for this.

What we will say

I've known the boyfriend for several years now. He and I have talked many times and at great length about what we both think of relationships and the roles of men and women in a relationship. I say this so you know where I am coming from and that I know, as best I can, what I am doing in this.

It seems that we are both right on the verge of expressing our undying love for the other. But because of what I know about him and how he feels about relationships, I can't be the first one to say it. And for some reason, probably because for him it is the point of no return and he's not ready for that leap, he won't say it yet either.

So what do we say instead? I present here a list of things we have both said over the last couple of months as an example of our creativity. Also, I do this asking for more ideas. My creativity does have limits.

• I love seeing you smile.
• Your knowledge of grammar is so attractive.
• I like seeing you get excited about that.
• I love being in your arms.
• It just feels right to have you with me.
• I'm in a bit of heaven with you.
• You make me smile.
• I miss you.
• I love watching your mind work.
• You are wonderful.
• You’re cute. / You’re manly cute.
• Can I keep you?

And those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head right now. There are a few others as well, but without the context, they'd sound quite weird.

Maturity

According to our good friend, Wikipedia, maturity is a psychological term used to indicate that a person responds to the circumstances or environment in an appropriate manner. This response is generally learned rather than instinctual.

Whatever it is, it's attractive. I spent a great deal of time this weekend with a man in the condo that he owns, where he unabashedly has a dust ruffle on his bed, tampons in his bathroom drawer for female visitors, and a well-organized home. He has a reliable, steady job, loves his family, and is getting help for the things he needs to change that are beyond his control. He's a gracious host and an absolute pleasure to be around. Sure, some of his humor is off-color and his milk was sour, but the point is that he responds appropriately to things.

I was reveling in the fact that I'm friends with such a mature individual, as the things I'd noticed over the weekend were enough to make me happy, when he requested a video chat last night to discuss the particulars of our relationship, or rather current lack thereof and why, for now.

Wow. Just wow. No matter the outcome of our discussion, the fact that we he would man up and have that conversation as soon and as face to face as possible was astounding. Far too many boys I've been around lately would just slink off and get distant and weird about everything. We talk about being communicative and then actually ARE is just amazing to me. I know where I stand with him, where we stand together, and what our current future holds.

Other than this guy, I am apparently surrounded by morons. Sure, this guy isn't perfect, none of us are, but since he's so open to change and working on a better future and handling things with such class, he's far ahead of some of the guys I know who don't have the same problems and have been blessed with certain knowledge all their lives.

I'm duly impressed. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy is a MAN. I need to stop dating boys.

Learning Moments

It is often said that some of the best teaching comes in those unexpected moments that aren't planned, those moments that just come up naturally. People are usually speaking of teaching children when they talk of this. But I recently had one of those experiences on a date.

We were watching a cop type movie at my place. One of the good guys was having a real bad day and was blaming himself for what was going wrong and he was basically sulking about it. The boyfriend commented that was what guys do under stress, they withdraw. He also said slapping a guy, which is what the character's partner did, is not the way to get him out of it.

After the movie ended I asked him what are you supposed to do when a guy does that if slapping isn't appropriate. And that led to a good discussion about how we both respond to real stressful situations and what we want from those around us when we are stressed and withdraw like that. Oddly, we both said pretty much the same thing.

From a movie came an unexpected moment to learn more about each other. And learning how to help someone in a situation like that is easier done when you aren't in the situation. It was a wonderful unplanned moment.

He also said I seem like I handle mood swings real well. This man is the master of the weird compliment. But I say thank you no matter how weird they are.