Is wearing a bikini immodest?

There are many studies and many discussions out there about the messages a person sends when they wear certain clothes. You have to be careful teaching people to dress a certain way (particularly modestly) because you don't want to lay all the blame on the dresser for the wayward thoughts someone else might have as a result. However! I do think that both parties have to responsible in their thoughts, actions, and dress. Here's an interesting video that's making the rounds on Facebook regarding some scientific evidence for why we should choose to dress modestly.

Well, fine then

Some weeks ago, I went on a really nice first date. I had asked him out to an event, but he couldn't make that evening, so he asked me to dinner later in the week.

So to dinner we went. We laughed a lot. We had great food. We went on a post-dinner walk. We talked for hours. He would go on to describe the evening as "refreshing" and that he "had a wonderful time." A few nights later, we arrived separately to a party only to spend most of the night near or with each other, leaving together and talking in his car into the small hours of the night.

For the next couple of weeks, I got a hug every time we saw each other and met a couple of his friends. Conversation was still easy and things seemed to be going well. We didn't have any more official dates, but there were still good signs in that direction.

And then they weren't. I wouldn't go so far as to say that he's avoiding me, but sometimes it feels like it. As usual, I have no idea why. I have my suspicions, but no real clue. If I ever feel it's appropriate, I might ask him what's up, but then again, I might not. Instead, I'll just move on and find someone who never leaves me hanging.

Whoever Mr. Future is, he's fantastic and never giving me reason to doubt his feelings. I'm tired of not believing something is real and then have that doubt come true.

Cravings

Sk8er Boi and I saw each other every day for over two weeks and at least talked (usually via text) every day for the two months since we'd been dating. Then he left on a week long roadtrip to his hometown and I haven't heard from him much since he's been gone.

No worries, I told myself. He's just busy with his family and old friends. He did say that he hated to leave you for a week and it would suck if you found someone else while he was gone. He's been quick on the response when you've texted him, which hasn't been all the time or even each day because you're not a crazy needy person, and initiated the conversation at least once.

There was no indication anything was wrong before he left - why would that change?

My guy friends all assured me that I was right. There wasn't anything to be concerned about. He'd get back soon and return to his usual habits of saying good morning every day and all would be well.

But I couldn't shake that niggling little doubt brought on by years of guys going ghost on me for no discernible reason and all associated insecurities. We're also not officially defined as boyfriend/girlfriend yet, so there's a certain lack of commitment from both parties. I've had a hard time focusing on going about my daily routine and tried to mentally list all the reasons he might have for having spent his vacation talking himself out of us and then listing all the reasons why those reasons were crazy and he wouldn't think that.

I hate it. I'm a classic overthinker and it really, really, really is hard to stop. There was absolutely nothing I could do but wait for Sk8er Boi to come home, but my brain wouldn't stop.

Until today, when I had yet another talk about it with one of my Four Old Guys (that I actually share with Roxie) and he reminded me of the physiological implications of a separation of this nature and it was like a lightbulb had finally turned on!

I've likened breakups to withdrawals from drug addiction and science has too, so why wouldn't a temporary separation have similar implications? It's tempered only by the fact that it IS temporary and we'll be together again soon. I overdosed on Sk8er Boi and the endorphins I experience by being with him before he left, so I miss my fix and that feel good sensation of his presence and attention.

So why isn't he going through something similar? That's easily explainable too. He's with his family and some long-time friends that give him that same pleasurable feeling of love and acceptance that he gets from being with me and his friends where we live, so he isn't experiencing the same need that I am. I've noticed that when I'm in the presence of friends of my own this last week, I've felt more at peace with the situation and now I know it's because I was feeling those love endorphins I so need right now!

Basically, my feelings can be summed up like this:

I'm not broken, or crazy. I'm human. I should see Sk8er Boi tomorrow. Everything is most likely totally fine, and I feel a lot better than I did this morning.

Communication isn't dead

As someone who has had a very long string of dates/encounters/not quite relationships that failed due to a complete lack of communication and a dearth of honesty, I am really enjoying how well my new guy and I communicate.

(Sidenote: He needs a nickname. I'll work on that.)

I really appreciate how open he is about how he's feeling about his past, his present, and, most especially, us, and that I can do the same. We had a really great discussion last night about how neither of us are dating anyone else and we don't want this to end anytime soon, but he's not ready to ask me to be his girlfriend just yet. He only got out of his last long-term relationship a week before asking me out, and it had ended so badly that he just wants to take his time this go-round. In fact, he brought the topic up, all of his own accord. This isn't the first time we've had an open discussion about us, and I'm just so thrilled that we already having such good talks about our relationship. As you know, I hate playing the guessing game and it's discussions like last night's that remind me I really don't have anything to worry about right now.

Sure, sometimes he teases me mercilessly and doesn't always tack on something shmoopy when saying hello in the morning, but then we have quiet and honest conversations about where we're headed and he hugs me so completely that I know we're okay.

In this age of texting, Facebook, and all manner of instant gratification, it's wonderful to find out that it hasn't completely killed heartfelt communication (though I do recommend Single Blonde in the City's thoughtful post on the matter). I had wondered, before this relationship started blooming, if I was ever going to have long conversations late into the night filled with both laughter and tears and really connect with someone again. The last time I was in a truly serious relationship, Facebook was still brand new and only open to certain universities and texting hadn't quite taken off the way it has now.

But we do talk, openly, and it is fantastic. I know him well enough and am comfortable enough in this relationship to know that the fact he wasn't talking much at dinner last night was because we were in a loud sports bar with over 50 televisions. It was no reflection on me at all, even though he teased that maybe he brought me there because he was tired of hearing me talk. However, I can tell the difference between his teasing voice and his honest voice and this was definitely the former, especially since it was coupled with his mischievous grin.

Silly boy.

There really is something different about this one, and I'm loving it.

So Sweet

He apologized the other night for not holding my hand. We were out walking in my neighborhood and it was hot out and about a half-mile in he suddenly says, "Hey. Sorry I'm not holding your hand right now. I get sweaty palms and don't really dig holding hands outside when it's like this."

"Oh. Well, I wasn't worried. I mean, I'd thought about it, but I wasn't stressing or anything."

"Ok good. I'm glad."

And then this afternoon, he apologized for not texting me yet. It wasn't that he wasn't thinking about me, just that some other stuff has been on his mind today and sometimes that makes him a little anti-social.

+10 for thoughtfulness

Way to go, Slick

Remember how I met someone and was annoyed by my coworker's comments and then never said anything on the matter again? Sorry about that.

It's true though. I did meet someone. It was, of course, when I least expected it - at an industry event and I was certainly not in flirt mode. I was networking my face off when we met, which is why we actually met, but a few hours after our first encounter, we were almost inseparable for the next few days of meetings. I still wasn't even sure whether I was making a new friend or business contact or what, because while we did flirt a little, it certainly wasn't overt and we were spending most of our time at this work event. We were mostly just talking about our industry, about our common interests not related to work, and laughing throughout, and I really wasn't even analyzing it too much. That, of course, changed when he kissed me.

I like kissing.

Unfortunately, the day after our last meeting, we had to go our separate ways, at least physically. We live in different states, sadly, and our event had been in neither of our states.

We kept talking though. And flirting. LOTS of flirting. This time it was overt, and we'd said that we didn't want to just write off our time in person. We got in deep in some our discussions, because of our shared background, which is actually something that started the day we first met. There aren't too many cocktails parties I start talking about the temple with someone I've only known for seven hours. Not only do we do the same thing for work, but we were both raised LDS. I'm from The Homeland; he went to school in The Homeland.

Though we never talked on the phone, we chatted and texted almost every day, and it was just nice and thoroughly enjoyable. We kept being surprised by even really obscure things we had in common.

I did get the feeling he wasn't telling me something though. I got that impression from the night we kissed. There was something he was conflicted about in regards to starting something with me, but he never really brought it up after that night and even then I was only getting it in between the things he was actually saying. Thanks to the miracle/hell of his online presence, I dug up that he was divorced, possibly even twice, once in the last few months, which is probably what he was referring to when he said he'd "just resolved a relationship" while only inches from my mouth and I wasn't going to dig deeper just at that moment. I knew he had kids, since it was right there on a profile we'd already connected on. He did tell me about his struggles in his relationship with the church and how he was still trying to figure out just what he believed.

Still, I remained cautiously optimistic. With the distance between us, things were bound to develop slowly anyway, so I figured we'd talk about things when the time was right. I am getting older after all, and I know that the chances of me finding someone completely baggage-free is decreasing.

And we were still talking.

Until three weeks ago.

We last texted on a Friday evening, even though we'd spent most of the day on IM together. I called him Sunday morning, but only left a message. He wasn't on IM the next day or any day since. By Wednesday, I texted him asking a question that was not "Um, hey, where are you?" I sent another casual text about a week later.

No response.

We were still connected though a couple different online networks though, so I thought he might just be taking a little break. That is, until I got a message last weekend via Dropbox that I left our shared folder. That is not something you can do accidentally, and I knew I didn't do it on purpose. Seriously!? Being rejected by Dropbox is not something I ever expected to have to process. We still have one other online connection, not to mention our shared professional network.

I'm really bummed, to say the least, and a lot angry. Someone I had something with has just disappeared on me. Again. Not calling after one or two dates is one thing, but after weeks of talking, flirting, and physical affection? I am so not a fan, and it's happened to me more than I'd like to admit. This guy even knew that, because we discussed it once, some weeks earlier.

Him - I can live without. As genuinely interested as I was, there were several yellow flags and the timing was probably all wrong. But to just disappear with nary a word is a cowardly way out and rather juvenile. I'd love to say something - send an email or leave a voicemail that says, I don't know, something perfect. But what would it accomplish? Probably nothing.

I'll likely run into him at our network's next gathering in about ten months. That's going to be . . . fun. . . But this isn't my fault! He clearly has things he needs to work through and he's just not ready for me and too chicken to say anything. Even something as simple as "Look, I just got divorced. I'm not ready for anything new right now. Can we still talk though?" It really was the conversations we had that made him so attractive in the first place.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep being fabulous. Someday, hopefully soon, someone is going to take the risk of jumping into something with me. I just have to keep remembering that.

But hugs and chocolate are nice right now too.

That Girl

Earlier this week I overheard someone (a very attractive man, if you must know) wax poetic about a girl he saw at Borders one day. She was browsing in the non-fiction section and caught his eye, totally oblivious to the effect she had on him. He was describing a simple gesture she did, tucking her hair behind her ear or biting her lip in concentration, and how it really struck him as beautiful in that moment. He told his friend he wanted to thank that woman for just being obliviously, unselfconsciously beautiful in that moment.

Another friend told me about how his friend has a blog that is just letters to his future wife, and how the letters were touching and real and full of hope and love for the woman he hasn't even met yet.

The interesting thing to me in both those instances is that neither woman (the fictional nor the real) was described as a Victoria's Secret model or a movie star: they are ordinary women who are somehow imbued with an aura of extraordinary. What was it about the woman at Borders? Was it her hair color, facial features, figure, stance, posture? Or was it something that combined all of that, along with an unnameable attractiveness? Would someone call it her aura or her energy that struck with such memorable force?

What about the man looking for his future wife in every female face he passes? How will he know when he sees her?

I can recall a few times when something a man did almost stopped me in my path because it was so endearing or funny or touching, and it's always something simple: seeing a man playing with his nephew, walking his dog, buying a gift, smiling at a baby. Simple things with a big impact, and I couldnt' tell you the exact combination of gestures, clothing, lighting, hairstyle, or complexion.

I often wonder if I'm That Girl--the one who quietly goes about her business at the grocery store, the mall, the gas station, the office, the one who has unconsciously struck someone dumb with a thoughtless gesture. I wonder if I'll ever know. I wonder if I should assume that it happens with me and be more careful about what I say and do. I wonder if, some day many years from now, I'll be sitting on the porch with my husband and he'll describe such a moment or a gesture that still catches him off guard and makes him wonder how he was so blessed to marry me.

I wonder if I'll tell him how the same thing happened to me, or if I'll just squeeze his hand and remember...

Accidental Flirting, the first

I have two stories of accidental flirting. You would think flirting accidentally would be kind of hard to do since most consider it a skill they do not have. Yet I've somehow managed to do it. The first was an innocent enough accident. I thought I was just being nice and friendly, he was a pervert. Okay, maybe not completely, but it was definitely wrong.

I'd just recently turned 14 (remember my age) and was attending my very first youth conference. It was a tri-stake one, so all the youth ages 14-17 from my city and the neighboring city were there for a two day event. On the first day, a Friday, we met at a national park for games and activities. I, being a rather nice person, talked to people there. One person I talked to happened to be a 21 year-old chaperon who had just returned from a mission for the church.

So we've set the scene. Me, 14, friendly chatter. Him, 21, odd social skills.

He decided I was flirting with him and started to pursue me. By the second day I was pretty freaked out by this guy. What had I done to make him think that his attention was wanted and okay? AAAhhhh!!!

Now, a seven year difference isn't necessarily a bad thing. 32 and 25 can really work out well. But when one of them is currently still two years away from even getting a license, what was he thinking?!?

The young women in my ward realized this was going on and that it was bad, and so together with the young men in my ward they made sure I was not alone for the rest of the conference. For the Saturday night dance the young men kept me out on the dance floor all night so that the chaperon never got a chance to get to me. Never saw him again.

Pretty funny story now, but seriously, what was he thinking?

When you don't call

If it takes greater than three days for my date to contact me again, here are a collection of my thoughts during that time:

He's just busy. No, really, he is. Maybe he's trying to think of something witty to respond with. He's probably not that big into using the phone. He obviously hasn't been on Facebook this week. Did I really kiss him? Or did he kiss me? Who initiated that one? Well, whatever, it was mutual. Oh crap, why did we kiss on the second date? Who DOES that? Did I not do enough? Did I do too much? Did I stay too long? Should I have stayed longer? Man. It's because I'm fat, isn't it? Stupid thunder thighs of doom. Well, what did mean when put his hand on my face? He did hold my hand. Eventually. That was nice. He still hasn't been on Facebook yet. Gosh he's cute. You know, he definitely kissed me back, and it was sweet, not aggressive, that must mean he likes me. He did say "WE should go to that." He must have meant it. I'm sure he's just busy. When does that project start again? Could already have started. Nope, no Facebook updates. I really should have stayed longer. What if he doesn't actually like me? He doesn't seem like the player type. STOP ANALYZING THIS! But, what if - NO! STOP IT! He'll call me when he calls me. Still hasn't been on Facebook.

Yes, I recognize that this perpetuates the whiny and desperate female myth, but those thoughts are sprinkled over a several day period, mingled with thoughts and actions of things in real life - work, school, why the roommates haven't cleaned the kitchen, etc. - and are only vocalized to a small minority of people. I'm only whiny in my head. And here. Most of the time, I realize I'm being irrational and remind myself to shut up about it.

The good news? After one email (three days post-date) and one phone call (6 days post-date), he finally called me back and left a voicemail.

The bad news? He's apparently going to be out of town during the days I asked if he was available (oh well, theater tickets are cheaper for just one person anyway), and he said "I'll catch you some other time." This, generally, seems to be code for "Whenever I remember or otherwise need some lovin'."

Oh well. I may be wrong, but I'm going to hold out for it. I'll just be pleasantly surprised if something does happen.

By any other name

I've always gone by nicknames. My family has one main one for me, and several derivatives thereof. I was so well known by one in high school that it's on my class ring, and I made sure it was on the ballot when I ran for student government (since name recognition and publicity are everything). Even now, years later, if I run into someone from high school and they don't recognize me right away, I reintroduce my self as "Jinxie. Or HighSchoolNickname." It's almost always immediately followed by "Oh yeah! That's right! Hi!" I have a handful of friends that probably don't even remember my real name, and instead call me by a nickname I've gone by since college.

To me, nicknames are usually a way of being friendly, a way of saying "I like you! Be my friend!", or a term of endearment.

One nickname I can't always wrap my head around is when someone calls me by my last name. It's weird sometimes because my brother always went by that in high school. Our sister was often called Lastname's Little Sister, and I always went by my own name or the aforementioned nickname. I'm getting used to it as my moniker, as I have a group of friends who have taken to calling me by it. Only one other person in our group is also called by her last name, but it's kind of out necessity as we have another person with her same first name.

Yesterday, a guy unaffiliated with this other group called my by a variation of my last name, and I quite liked it, even if just for its originality. However, it got me thinking that if a guy calls you by your last name, it is a friendly term of endearment, but is it also a way for saying that you're just one of the guys?

I like having guy friends, a lot, but I don't want to be "just one of the guys". I will always secretly hope they will realize that I'm also a girl, and quite a pretty one at that and that they should just ask me out already.

Penny for your thoughts

The situation: A couple guy friends and I had just been in the car for 8 hours. I'm basically wearing pjs (athletic pants and hoodie). We're in a reflective elevator up to one of their apartments to hang out a little longer and meet some other people. I check my hair and makeup and mention, off-handedly, that my hair has gone a little crazy.

"You girls worry too much about people think."

I heard it again a week or two later.

What is too much?

Of course we worry about what people think. We're trying to attract a mate, remember? Do peacocks fan their feathers because they're more comfortable? Maybe, but they're trying to attract a mate. So, if there is a chance I'm going to meet someone, I don't want to look like I just stumbled out of a car after 8 hours, even if I did. If I am not obviously attracting someone, I wonder if it's because I laugh too loud, or if my dress makes me look bulgy, or any number of things. I'm not preoccupied with it, but I want to present myself in the best way possible. In an effort to make conversation, I may mention something like my ponytail of wavy hair having gotten a little out of control.

Is that what signifies "too much"? When it spills out into conversation? I still don't know, but conversations like the following certainly don't keep me from wondering what people think.

(The very first IM from this guy that day. No "hi" or anything.

Him: you're hillarious!

me: I know. I try.
But why am I hilarious today?

him: I'm not going to explain, it will ruin your day, I just wanted to know that sometimes you just make me laugh.
:D

me: As long as it's a good thing that I make you laugh.

him: that's right!

Thanks for that.

I won't, but I did

I won't say what I said, but I said it. And it wasn't exactly the response I wanted, but it was pretty much the response I figured I'd get. But I said it. And now it's out there. And part of me is very relieved I don't have to worry about it slipping out when it feels like the exactly perfectly wrong time to say it even if it is on the tip of my tongue. And part of me is terrified about what comes next.

But it felt right. It really did.

Oh please oh please oh please be something good.

I wish I knew what he was thinking.

The Season of Giving

I love giving gifts. I love thinking about what I'm going to give someone, what would be the perfect thing for them that they had no idea they needed until they get it from me. I'd even say that I like giving gifts almost more than I like getting them.

And for some people, this is real easy for me, people like my family and friends

But for other people, this gets real hard for me. These specific people would be the people I happen to find myself in a relationship with when Christmas or a birthday thing comes around. What in the world am I supposed to do with that? How do I know what level the relationship is at so I can gear the gift to that level? If I get something too high the guy can get scared and wonder how fast I want things to move. If I get something too low I run the risk of looking like I don't care, especially if they get me something bigger.

So while the Christmas shopping season only officially started this weekend, I've been worrying about this for several months now, trying to watch for signs of what direction things are moving and where they are moving to. In just under four weeks we'll see how I do.

Residual weirdness

So we dated or something. Then we were friends. Then you didn't talk to me for three weeks, even though we kept seeing each other around just about every day.

The first contact after that is going to be a little weird, despite your efforts to not make it so.

From an email two minutes after seeing each other:

"And, without weirdness, let me say you look really cute today."

Yes, you're trying, but it's weird that you say it's not weird.

Compliments

Seems like I've seen lots of articles about how women need to learn to accept compliments without making excuses or denying that the good things people say about us are true. I like to think I'm pretty darn good at that (nobody ever compliments me on my humility, wonder why).

But does anyone ever write one of those articles telling men the same thing? I don't think I've ever seen one. Someone needs to get on that and write one for them.

When I offer a general compliment on his looks, he says thank you. But if I try anything more specific, he has to offer excuses and say he'll look better this next week because he's going to work out more than he did last week. Every time!

Okay, maybe not every time, but enough that I notice. If I didn't like the look of his arm muscles, I would not have even brought it up. Go do your push-ups and weights if you want, but I'm telling you that right now, I like your arms.