After almost 3 years, countless prayers, the biggest test of our faith and hope we've had yet, I must say how truly grateful I am for:
Wisdom from Dilbert.
Marriage won't make you happy. You have to do that on your own. You can never let your happiness depend on the actions of somebody else because you can never choose their actions. Sure, being single sucks some times, a lot of times. But that doesn't mean you get to be all depressed and woe is me about it. Depressed, boring, uninteresting people are never attractive.
For all the trouble Dilbert has with his dating life, at least he's got that point figured out.
I keep forgetting to blog, so I'm glad I have a reminder in my calendar for this little project. I've been thinking about how hard it is for me to find something to talk about on here. I want to avoid being overly whiny, because there are enough whiny singles blogs out there. I want to avoid being overly prideful, because there are enough "look at me!" blogs out there. So, between those two limits, I find myself thinking I don't have much to day. In my real life, I'm not overly whiny or prideful--I don't complain about being single because, really, there's not much I can do about it (and don't suggest online dating, because I always feel like throwing up just thinking about it) besides keep doing what I'm doing and have faith that everything is happening the way it needs to. I don't think I'm all that awesome; maybe I have a certain cool factor because I do what I like and buy myself pretty things and don't get all hung up on what people are thinking about me, but I got here after a very long journey through years of depression and self-doubt.
For the record, I do not recommend going on four dates with four different men in one week. I was exhausted by Sunday night.
Friends, the often seemingly impossible is actually, sometimes, possible.
Remember last time how someone mentioned I was a "young 36" and I thought part of it is that I'm still curious and sometimes silly?
Tonight, I watched "This Old House" with my family and was absolutely delighted at the tools and techniques and innovation they show every episode. I loved hearing them describe how different tools do different jobs. I enjoyed watching them demonstrate an innovative techniqe. I was fascinated by how things were put together. I wanted to learn more about some specific tools and materials!
Tonight, I put sparkly nail polish on my fingernails and am so delighted by it that I keep getting distracted while I type because it's so pretty.
This morning, I was so delighted by a small boy's running and playing that I clapped my hands and grinned like crazy.
This afternoon, I went to my church to check for some equipment I need for my lesson tomorrow, and was delighted to find the library had exactly what I was looking for.
This morning, I met a sweet cocker spaniel/blue heeler cross who licked my hand and I laughed with delight while I stroked her soft ears and watched her walk around the room.
There is SO MUCH in this world that is delightful!
Well, I'm the last one to post for NaBloPoMo, so I suppose it's up to me to wrap up. Or not. Sometimes I'm contrary. :)
One of the things I've noticed about participating in NaBloPoMo, and this blog in general, is that I often don't feel as though I have anything relevant to say. But what am I expected to say? What is relevant to being single that isn't also relevant to being married? I worry about dying alone, but doesn't everyone? As far as I can see, the only appreciable difference between a single person and a married person is relationship status. We both worry about family, money, housing, cars, jobs, church callings, the world around us. I don't have my own children, but I worry about and love my nieces and nephews, my cousins' and friends' children, and the children in my ward. I am one of four "breadwinners" in my household and worry about bills, who will pay what, and what's going to be overdue if we pay another bill on time. I have to clean, I have to put gas in my car, I have to take care of my clothes and health (and, often, the health of those around me), I have to shop and organize finances.
Just because I'm single doesn't mean I have no idea what others go through. I have an idea; whether or not I've gone through that experience has no bearing on how I feel about it or how I can help, right? That's obviously a broad statement that doesn't apply to everyone, but I feel like I am valuable and, because I can't exactly relate, can often offer help or perspective that people who CAN relate don't necessarily have because they're too close to what's happening.
Maybe I AM different. I decided years ago to not turn into one of those "no one understands poor little me" people. It has proven a blessing, even though it is occasionally a struggle to remember to not be one of those people. I credit my change in attitude, and a LOT of faith, with my overall happiness about my life. My life is far from ideal, but I realized the other day, as I was going to bed, that if this is as good as my life will be, it's a pretty great life. I don't have a lot of money, I don't have the best job, I'm in a couple of weird situations, but I have a pretty great life.
Funny how perspective changes things. Thanks for reading us in November. Happy December!
The martians on Sesame Street discover all kinds of things about this world. Sometimes it can seem like love is on a completely different planet. But if they could discover it, then anyone can. It just might not always be in the first place you look.
I've never been one who had a ton of girl friends. I had friends, but I never just hung out at the mall with another girl. I certainly was not one who spent hours on the phone talking with someone. I just didn't do the "normal" teenage girl with friends thing. I have a handful of friends, gender has always been heterogeneous, and that's worked out very well.
But in the last year while I still maintain that I don't have "girls" in my life, I do have my women.
These are grown women. They've experienced hardship in their lives. I can't think of any hardship that more than one of them have faced actually, so there's quite the range of hardship going on. They've grown from their experiences. They've been strengthened by them. They've been beautified by them. They are a shoulder to cry on when things go bad because they've cried too. They are a smile to laugh with when things go great because they've laughed too. They are women.
I don't actually happen to live near any of my women at this time. They are spread across this country. But I know that I can always call or email and they will share in whatever emotion I am going through at the time.
Just a side note. But during my one try at therapy several years ago the therapist told me that three of my women weren't good enough friends for me because they were married and I wasn't so they were too busy for me. HA! I was the one with the schedule we were working around. I didn't go back to that therapist. It is because of their range of experiences that differs from mine that I can lean on them.
And I've begun to feel that all women are connected. We all need each other. We need to lean on each other's shoulders and provide our shoulders for others to lean on. We need to laugh together. We need to cry together. Perhaps if we all lived in the same village a hundred years ago we would've been getting together monthly for quilting bees or sock darning parties or what have you. It's that kind of a feeling. And time has simply changed how we do that.
Mother's day is next week. And while I wouldn't classify any of these women as mother figures for me, I want to take time to honor them as well. Because I truly stand among noble women.
The title of this blog does not refer to me personally--I am tall and sometimes not so sweet :) --but it does refer to the following list, which I may have done because I'm tired and don't have the energy to blog Jinxie's suggested subject. It's a great subject and one I'll definitely enjoy writing about later!
Things I am grateful for today:
As Jinxie posted earlier, we got to be with Roxie on her wedding day, and it was wonderful. I have to admit that Jinxie and I both cried when Roxie and HP danced to their song. The room was FULL of love and it was wonderful. Wonderful wonderful.
Anyone there could tell that Roxie and HP love each other with a deep and secure love--the kind that isn't frantic or desperate or full of stress--and it spilled over onto everyone at the reception. There was a definite sense of calm and peace about them. And I did cry. Jinxie and I put our arms around each other and cried together and said "someday..." Someday, that will be us. Someday, all this waiting and faith and work and hope will be rewarded.
Someday, it will all be worth it.
Last night was hard for me, though; it didn't seem worth it at 1 AM when disappointment darkened my soul. I don't think it's a coincidence that I had a setback the day after a wonderful spiritual wedding, and it took some time for me to sort it out and start to make sense of it. This morning a friend posted this passage from Isaiah on her blog and it touched me so much. It reconfirmed that God makes up the difference:
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.
Despite it all, life is pretty good. Especially when there are promises like that to anticipate and hope and pray for.
Someday, I will know that I am loved with a deep and secure love, and that day will be wonderful!
(My last post prompted some friendly and understandable controversy that I am very sympathetic to, so I'll keep today's pretty light. :) )
Remember a few months ago when I blogged about being happy for other people? I still feel the same way. I recently found out another friend is getting married and my first reaction wasn't the "oh man! What about me?" kind of thing I've had before. It was a reaction of honest happiness for her. No thinking about it, no convincing myself--just wanting to give her a big hug and smile and cry because she's so happy. I do envy her a little, but I don't envy her (and her family) putting together a wedding in less than 6 weeks! However, if it's right, and you can pull it off, why not get married in 6 weeks?
It's been a relief to not have to deal with the envy and jealousy I previously felt. I'm honestly happy for all my friends who are getting married or having children or registering their kids for high school. Honest, untainted happiness is, I think, one of the rarest emotions humans experience, and it's wonderful when we can finally experience it! Maybe it's growing up, maybe it's perspective, maybe it's being raised right, but I treasure and try to remember the times I am honestly happy for someone else. It helps me be the person I want to be, and that's pretty cool.
Sorry this is late! It's been a busy day. :)
Tonight I went to a birthday party for a friend--a small gathering of mostly women, all of us single and over 25. It was really nice, actually. I had a lot of fun talking with people in similar situations: we're all trying to figure out life on unexpected terms without becoming bitter and angry about things we can't control.
It's not easy, but it's not as hard as it could be if I didn't have any perspective.
What it comes down to is a shift in attitude. There are so many things out of our control, so many things we can't change, and so many things that just don't matter. Does it really matter that we're "too old" for some men? Is it that big a deal if we're not attractive to some men? After all, there are some men out there to whom I am just not attracted, as good as they may be. There some men who are, indeed, too old for me. I can't very well change my basic bone structure, and I don't want to dye my hair or start wearing more makeup (or, for heaven's sake, a push-up bra constantly) just to be attractive to someone who isn't attracted to me to begin with. I refuse to lie about my age just so someone won't freak out about dating me.
Conversely, I don't (and shouldn't) expect perfection out of anyone I date. It's not fair. I have a good set of baggage and to insist that the men I date be baggage-free with perfect hair and ripped abs is completely unrealistic and will only make me miserable. I know too many women who are deluded into thinking that someone like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp is going to fall head over heels for them and their imperfections, and they're sad and bitter because they've never found a Brad or a Johnny...and it shows. Didn't someone once say that we shouldn't expect to marry Mister Universe if we're not Miss America?
Well, I'm not Miss America, and I'm not going to marry a Mister Universe. And you know? I'm ok with that! There are some things I want to improve and things I need to work on, and I'm grown-up enough to be realistic in my expectations for others. Does that make me upset or angry? Nope. Not a bit. It is what it is, and I'm pretty sure that the man I marry will feel the same way; otherwise, I wouldn't be attracted to him. I'm so glad that we have a loving Heavenly Father who created us with imperfections and weirdnesses that will be attractive to someone else!
I had an interesting conversation in the temple cafeteria last week--yes, many LDS temples have cafeterias, and I will tell you right now the food is quite good--as I was paying for my fresh fruit and yummy ciabatta roll. The sister at the cash register asked me about my dress and the conversation turned to her and her husband and how nice it is that there are so many couples who work in the temple together. Then, and I saw this coming, she asked if I was married. I said "oh, no, I'm very single!" She said "really?!" Shortly after that, she asked how old I was. I said "I'm 34!" and smiled. She said "REALLY?!" (I get that a lot--I must look much younger than I am) Then, kind-hearted soul she was, she said "I can't believe you're not married! You look like you're a good person who someone should snatch right up!" I laughed and told her I hoped I was a good person and that I was trying to be better. She reassured me that I was and then asked if I wanted to get married. Of course I do, I told her. Of course! Very much! But, I said, I'm not willing to compromise and I'd rather be single the rest of my life than marry someone just to get married. She replied, "Oh, that's wonderful to hear. Good for you! But, if you want to have kids, you should get married soon..."
I found out recently that another of my dear friends is getting married. When I found out he was dating his now-fiancee, I was so happy for him. He seemed so settled and at peace with himself and his life, and while she's several years younger than him, they really are perfect together. I attended the (beautiful and inspiring) wedding of a (beautiful and inspiring) mutual friend a couple of weeks ago and had a chance to talk to him--he glows now. It's amazing and beautiful and I am very very happy for them!
I have to confess, however, that I feel a little left out at the same time. This year will have seen four of my closest friends becoming engaged/married, and one of those four break up in some of the same circumstances of my own broken engagement. It's funny how you can hurt for one person so much at the same time you want to shout from the rooftops with another person, isn't it? It's funny how you can be so happy for your loved ones and a little sad for yourself at the same time, isn't it? It's not necessarily that I feel SORRY for myself (I do have a good life with a lot of things going for me), but my heart hurts a little that I don't have what they have. Gina, the friend going through the bad breakup, turned to me at the wedding (we were at the same table as Billy at the luncheon) and said, looking at the very happy couple, "they really love each other, don't they?" I replied "yes, honey, they do. That's what you want and that's what you deserve!" She said "I do deserve it, don't I?" and my heart broke for her. Right now, she doesn't know what it's like to be loved for exactly who she is. She thought he did at the beginning, but then he tried to change her because he was threatened by her intelligence and beauty and talent. No one should do that. No one should insist on changing someone else's God-given nature just because he or she is insecure. No one should try to force someone to subdue his or her spirit--that's called "unrighteous dominion" and, as far as I'm concerned, is as bad a sin (if not worse) than adultery or physical abuse.
I suppose I'm so affected by Gina's current situation because it's so devastatingly familiar (I'm not going to go into that now) and I'm so affected by Billy's situation because it is the Dearest Wish of My Heart to love and be loved like that. It's a strange mix of emotions--happy that my friends are so happy, sad that they're sad, angry that people think they can treat others so badly, and left out because I want a wedding and a marriage too! It doesn't really help that, over the last year especially, I've felt something coming and I tend to impatience. I have to remember that the Lord has all this in His hands and that I just need to do the best I can to live a good and productive life and help others.
I'm so very happy for Billy and Cyd (and Betty and James), so happy at the prospect for me, but so sad for Gina and myself that we don't have the thing we want most. I hope, when we finally have it, we never take it (or him) for granted, but will cherish and honor the gift we've been given. Those two wonderful couples give me hope that all promises will be fulfilled and that my Heavenly Father hasn't forgotten or given up on me.
The tricky part is remembering it all on the bad days...
I was talking to a good friend today about his new girlfriend, who is 8 years younger than he is. One of his other friends (a woman nearly 30) has been giving him a hard time about it, essentially saying that it isn't right that a 20-year-old woman should be in a happy relationship (with potential for marriage) when she, a woman with 10 years more life experience, isn't.
I was appalled and it took me a few minutes to formulate a response: Would this woman really, truly want to deprive someone else of a blessing just because the Lord's timing doesn't suit her plans? Would she want to prevent someone else from being happy just because she isn't? Would she want Heavenly Father to hit the "pause" button on this younger woman's life just so she could be selfish? Because that's what it is--selfish. I see how happy my friends with children are, and I would never want to take that from them just because I'm childless. I see how much calm joy my engaged friends have, and I would not want to deprive them of that overwhelming inner peace just because my engagement didn't lead to marriage. If, deep down in my heart, I wanted to take all that away just so I wasn't the only one who was lonely, I would be a very selfish person, and I wouldn't deserve any blessings God wants to give me. I wouldn't even be worthy of the blessings I already had.
I wonder....if you're not happy and grateful for someone else's happiness, how in the world can you think that the Lord would think you'd be happy if he gave you more? Does that make sense? If you can't express gratitude for the way things are, what makes you think you can do it when things finally go "your way"?
I was reminded of the parables, specifically the parable of the talents. A lord (The Lord, you know) had three servants and gave each of them a certain amount of talents and then left on a journey. The servant who was given five earned five more; the servant who was given two earned two more; the servant who was given one hid his in the earth because, as we later discover, he was afraid. He wasn't grateful enough to try to improve what he had been given so he buried it, and it was taken from him and given to the first servant. The last servant, the "wicked and slothful" one, was left with nothing, while the first two were called "good and faithful" and told "thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy [L]ord". Now, isn't that a much better thing to hear? I think so.
I get so tired of the women who can't find any happiness in their hearts for others. I'm sure if they sat down and thought about it, they'd see how blessed they are. Just because ONE BLESSING hasn't been bestowed yet, they think they aren't worth anything, or that their lives mean nothing, or that the other blessings somehow don't count. I've learned to accept my life for what it is and to recognize God's hand in it. Every day I'm reminded that He does love me, He wants me to be happy, and He wants to bless me with everything He has! He just has a different schedule than I do, and I think part of deciding to have a happy life is to make peace with that. We need to remember that WE are not Creators, WE are not Atoners, WE are NOT in charge. Yes, agency comes into play, but because of agency, we can choose to be happy or to be miserable. I simply chose to be happy with what I have instead of focusing on what I don't or being afraid to be happy with what I have. It's so much more fun to list to myself all the things that I'm happy and grateful for than to dwell on the few things I don't have yet.
People who bury that metaphorical talent by being angry or bitter about their lives may not deserve that most precious gift of all: Life. Think about it. Look at your body and how it works. Move your thumbs around. Breathe in the air. Listen to your heartbeat. Think how amazing it is that you can do so many things with this body! Look at the world around you! Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ made this world for you. They created the world, and then they created man and woman. They created a place for their ultimate work: you. What a profound realization! All of this is here so we can be happy and learn that the joy comes from the journey, not the end of it. Single or married, parents or not, we all have life. We all have this journey. The mileposts come at different times for all of us, and if someone reaches the blessing of marriage to a worthy spouse who will love and cherish them forever before us, we should be happy for them! I know I am. It makes me so happy to see my young friends finding their husbands and experiencing that joy that it sometimes makes me cry to think about it. Yes, I'm a little jealous and I feel a little left out sometimes, but if I pay attention and am prayerful and faithful, I get little flashes of insight and clarity that remind me that I have so much to be grateful for, and that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are mindful of me, that they love me more than I can comprehend. And, when the time is right, I will be blessed with more happiness than I can imagine, as long as I am grateful for my current happiness and blessings!
Really, isn't that what we learn from the parable of the talents? Make the best and most of what you have, and be happy for others who have different blessings? Be grateful for what you've been blessed with, and that will prove to Heavenly Father that you can be "faithful over a few things" and that you are worthy of being a "ruler over many things" and "entering into the joy of the Lord."
I don't want to risk losing that.
It's more fun to be happy for other people--who wants to date someone who is bitter and angry all the time? Not me!
