Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Why I'm NOT a mom

Unexplained.

That's the one word answer to why.

After trying for a year on our own we were officially labeled "infertile" by the medical community. I'm never one for labels, but that one really hurt. And I've shed several tears about it.

Since the beginning of 2011 I've averaged one doctor appointment a week. Sometimes I get a week off but that generally just means two the following week. Try working your schedule around that. Every week someone is poking something into me - needles, speculums, ultrasound wands. I've actually mastered the art of peeing in a cup now too.

And after all that the answer came back - unexplained. Both of us work great. But for some unexplained reason we just aren't working together.

Every prayer I offer is a plea for guidance, understanding, and peace, as well as children. I've spent nights wondering if I'm not worthy to be a mom, which I know is crazy. I've cried that I can't fulfill the commandment to "multiply and replenish the earth and have joy therein." I feel broken. Even though medically speaking I'm not.

We have told a few people what we are going through, but that number is extremely small. The last thing I need is bad advice ("just relax and it will happen", "just stop trying and it will happen"). The last thing I need is everyone asking how things are going. A few people who need to understand my schedule a bit know just that I have some health issues we're working on.

I've lost my innocence about the miracle of birth. It's no longer something that my husband and I do together. It's something that's going to involve medical equipment and sterile things and more poking. The odds of us finding out we're expecting in the quiet of the morning (with my new found peeing in a cup talents) and being able to be the only people who know and revel in that miracle for a while are pretty much zero at this point. Now it'll be more poking, a blood draw, and a phone call.

We've lost a lot so far. I'm just holding on and hoping I don't lose my faith.

And that's why I'm not a mom.

5 comments:

Jennifer said...

I'm so sorry. I've been there and I recognized my own experience in everything you wrote. I want to say something wonderful and wise, something that will make you feel better, but I can't. There isn't anything that could have made me feel better. It hurts.

You are not alone, though, for what it's worth. There are a lot of us out there, and we do understand.

Jinxie said...

*hugs*

Katy B. said...

Oh how I wish you could have the desires of your heart. My sister and her husband tried for over ten years to conceive and came up empty. Words cannot express how much pain I saw her go through in those years and there wasn't anything I could do to take it away from her. All I could do was be the best sister possible for her. And that was enough. May you continue to be surrounded by "sisters" who will love you and support you and be what you need them to be to get through this.

Thank you for sharing this post.

You are amazingly brave and I know faith will not be lost within you.

Morgan -Ing said...

And sadly, some people are TERRIBLE about being sensitive to people with no children. They frequently assume you're childless for a less-than-noble reason and then ask, often, about why you have no kids. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

Patty Ann said...

Oh, I wish that I could "fix" it for you and somehow everything would work out. My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry. I hope that you know how much your Heavenly Father loves you. I hope that you have sisters and friends that will stand by you and care for you. I hope that you will continue to have the faith you need to trust in Him.