Tithing (un)Settlement

There are some conversations you can just never really plan for. Today was one of them. And it happened during tithing settlement of all places.

I attend a singles ward. It often feels like the main purpose of church in a singles ward is not to teach the Gospel, or the salvation of souls, but rather to get as many people married as possible. I imagine bishops of singles wards getting together at annual conventions and bragging about how many people from their ward got married that year.

I went to talk to my bishop about tithing. We took care of that, it took all of maybe 30 seconds. Then he asked me how things were going with Kitt. (I usually take bets when I go talk to the bishop about whether Kitt will come up before or after the real reason I'm there, because he always comes up.) And honestly, I'm not sure how they are going. I think they are going okay, but I really don't know what direction they are going in right now. So I tell the bishop I don't know. And he seems surprised. Maybe he and Kitt have talked about things that I haven't heard yet. I don't know.

So then the bishop tries to figure out what is going on that Kitt and I aren't getting married yet. I wonder if bishops in singles wards are kept up nights wondering why their ward members haven't managed to get married yet.

This is where things get real weird, the bishop asks me if things are okay physically, if maybe we have some problem in that area. Awkward! I stumble through some explanation that things are definitely okay in that area, that we are doing just fine there, but that it's not going so "well" that we would have to confess to him about any of it.

Um. Yeesh. Yup. That was weird. Not what I was expecting at all.

The Season of Giving

I love giving gifts. I love thinking about what I'm going to give someone, what would be the perfect thing for them that they had no idea they needed until they get it from me. I'd even say that I like giving gifts almost more than I like getting them.

And for some people, this is real easy for me, people like my family and friends

But for other people, this gets real hard for me. These specific people would be the people I happen to find myself in a relationship with when Christmas or a birthday thing comes around. What in the world am I supposed to do with that? How do I know what level the relationship is at so I can gear the gift to that level? If I get something too high the guy can get scared and wonder how fast I want things to move. If I get something too low I run the risk of looking like I don't care, especially if they get me something bigger.

So while the Christmas shopping season only officially started this weekend, I've been worrying about this for several months now, trying to watch for signs of what direction things are moving and where they are moving to. In just under four weeks we'll see how I do.

Online Dating

This is just one example of why I won't do online dating and why I have recently deleted some of my accounts:

My name is ______, I am a new person in this site, I'm a fun and energetic guy looking for someone to spend time with and hopefully grown with into a relationship. People say that I have a sense of humor and that I'm fun to be around. I love to laugh, and I love making people laugh. I consider myself a good listener and enjoy great conversation. My family and friends are very important in my life, and I spend time with them whenever I have the opportunity. My music taste is very eclectic, ranging from alternative and classic rock to 80's music and current pop. I love sports, both watching on TV and going to games, but I'm also a guy who loves sappy, romantic movies. I like going out on the town and also love quiet times at home.

I'm looking for an honest and beautiful lady, who has a passionate heart and a kind soul -- someone with a rugged side, who's still in touch with her emotions. I love a great sense of humor, but need someone who can be serious too. Basically, I'm looking for a lady who knows who she is, loves life and wants to share her life with a guy who has so much to give.

You need trust to love, but first you need to love in order to trust, Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship. It's not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end. If it is meant to be, our hearts will find each other when we meet.

I will lovely to know more about you and you can send your reply to me or you meet me online for yahoo messenger for instant chatting, I will be very glad to hear from you soon.

Thanks

Now, on the face of it, it sounds a lot better than the message I got telling me I was a gift from God and a lovely angel, but look at the paragraph about love. This is not a paragraph a woman like me takes seriously from someone who has never met me. This is not a paragraph I expect from anyone but close friends with whom I'm having the kind of late-night, deep conversations that come after many bonding experiences, or from someone I'm dating and with whom I've come to that "let's talk about our issues" moment. This is not a paragraph that will make me take more than a cursory glance at a message from a stranger on a site I rarely frequent. As a matter of fact, this kind of "advice"/line/what-have-you is unappreciated and unsolicited and will automatically result in complete and total dismissal of anything resembling seriousness. In his favor, it was (mostly) a well thought out message. It's not his fault I hate online dating and don't even know why I signed up for it in the first place.

I just get defensive when people tell me how to feel, especially when they don't know me. I have good reasons for this that I won't go into here, suffice to say that unless you've lived my life or are someone I trust implicitly, you don't get to tell me how to feel. Especially if all you saw was a picture and three sentences of an online profile.

Being thankful

While I would love to have someone special to share the holidays with, I must admit that I am secretly thankful for the fact that as a single person, the only thing usually expected of me from a big holiday dinner is to show up and then clear my plate off the table when I'm finished. I'm not expected to host the dinner. I'm not expected to cook the whole dinner (every so often I might be asked to bring a dessert or a salad, but that's as far as it's gotten). And while I generally offer to help clean up, I'm not expected to and am usually told to just relax. The trouble comes in making sure I have friends who are going to fix the whole dinner and are willing to invite me over. So far I've done pretty good in that department.

An old rant

I think I wrote this to Trixie in June of 2006. It makes me laugh.

WHY DO I ATTRACT MEN WHO HAVE NO CARS OR LICENSES OTHERWISE CAN'T DRIVE!?!?

I understand in a situation like our friend Theatre Junkie who lives very close to campus and doesn't need one, and I know several reasons why The Boy can't right and doesn't need one either. And Mr. Not-So Perfect lived close to school too. However, what about everyone else? We don't live in an area of widespread public transportation. If we were in New York or London or San Francisco or Paris, I wouldn't have a need for a car either really. BUT WE'RE NOT! I thought The One Who Kissed Me At The Planetarium was strange being 31 without a license or a car and lives way far from work. But I've got a new random guy - a twenty-something, divorced, smoker father. No plans have been made with him yet, but I was entertaining them for a brief moment. Just for fun. But he doesn't have a license! Why? "Long story. Involves a couple no-insurance tickets." Yeah, that certainly shows responsibility. I also just looked at his online profile again and it seems that his divorce (or the end of his major "settling down" relationship) fell apart disastrously. I can't in good conscience even initiate a fling with this guy. Nor do I want to drive up to A City About An Hour Away to do it. GAH!! So what do I do? Do I do the nice thing and go on one date with him, if he asks? Or do I just quietly disappear and end all forms of contact in order to remind him how unattractive his current situation is? Would he get that message? Even if the relationship thing wasn't entirely his fault, he had to have had something to do with it, and everything else is definitely his doing. I don't know any positives about him. He looks kinda cute and is a musician. I guess that's it.

GEEZ!! Can't I get a normal guy for once!?!?

Residual weirdness

So we dated or something. Then we were friends. Then you didn't talk to me for three weeks, even though we kept seeing each other around just about every day.

The first contact after that is going to be a little weird, despite your efforts to not make it so.

From an email two minutes after seeing each other:

"And, without weirdness, let me say you look really cute today."

Yes, you're trying, but it's weird that you say it's not weird.

Finally joining in!

About Trixie:

I am chained to my desk while dreaming of evening gowns and quiet jazz under a disco ball-sparkled sky. I have more hobbies than I can count on fingers and toes but never enough time for all of them. Big cities are exciting but I love being able to see the stars at night. I'm a mountain girl who loves cats and dogs equally. I frequently consider and reject the idea of graduate school, but I know I need to improve my skills and education to support myself more securely. Deep down inside, I want the "white picket fence, 2.5 kids, 'kiss the cook'-apron-wearing husband at the grill in his Hawaiian shirt, floral wallpaper in the den" dream, but it hasn't happened yet. So I focus on being the best person I can be and having faith that as I strive for that goal, other things will fall into place. I have occasional small moments of self-pity and bitterness, and frequent moments of intense gratitude and quiet happiness.

One of these days, I'll find an appropriate picture for my profile here.

Do you ever?

Do you ever think that something that happened in the past is safely in the past, and then something will happen and you'll suddenly be face to face with a mean evil menacing ghost and all you can do is cry and relive the pain and hurt again and wonder when you'll finally be able to kill the ghost and leave it alone and not let it bother you again and not think about it ever again?

No? Me either.

But, hypothetically, when you read a news article that sends you spiraling back to a bad relationship that really screwed you over and hurt you in ways you probably don't even realize even now and you are suddenly being ripped open again by that ghost and you find yourself spending a few days just praying and pleading for peace to finally come, it's really nice when someone whom you trust so completely just holds you while you tell them the details you can, and they gently brush your hair out of your face and tell you they wish you'd never been hurt like that.

Hypothetically, that's a huge comfort.

Realistically, I want that ghost gone. I don't ever want it to haunt me again. Realistically, that's probably going to take longer than I'd like. But it will happen.

The booty call

I got a booty call last night.

Now, remember that based on our shared religious convictions, this was limited to making out. Nothing crazy.

About six months ago, he and I had a random, non-committal encounter based off a Facebook conversation. We hooked up again a few months later. I thought I'd offended him that time, for reasons I won't go into, so I wasn't expecting to hear from him again.

He started off coy by asking what I was up to and if I wanted to see a movie. Considering we've never just hung out, I knew what he was going to get at as soon as I saw that I had a text message from him. When I declined, citing a need to study, he quickly jumped to his point.

Now, I know I said that I usually perceive hand-holding as more committal than kissing, but it still should mean something. Obviously, it hasn't always, but I certainly prefer it when it does. We all have needs and frustrations, but in some ways, it's even more frustrating to just kiss someone I don't have feelings for. It's not as satisfying. Additionally, this guy isn't even particularly good at the kissing.

So I didn't go. I am totally okay with that. I really did have to study and non-satisfying kissings didn't sound terribly appealing last night.

Will I kiss someone I don't care for again, ever? Probably. At some point. Maybe it'll even be this guy. I could give him some pointers. His future kissing partners might thank me.

I hope I can wash my hair

Not that I dated much when I was in high school, or college, but it seems like getting ready for a date was a lot easier back then. Back then, pre-date preparations required making sure I smelled good and my clothes looked cute. That was about it.

Now though, especially since I live on my own, there is so so so much more to getting ready for a date, that often I'm watching the clock and just hoping I have time to wash my hair and make sure I smell good. Not only do I have to look good, but my house does too. Can you imagine if a guy where to pick me up and the dishes from lunch were still by the couch because I was watching tv while I ate, and there was laundry drying in the dining room, and four days worth of shoes piled next to the door, and the dishes from the previous day still in the sink, and a full garbage can that needs to be taken out? My house gets more pre-date work than I do most times.

My to-do list for a date now often looks something like this:

• take out the garbage
• empty the dishwasher
• put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher
  
• put away the laundry (or at least make sure it is hiding very well in my bedroom)
• make sure there's nothing embarrassing in the bathroom
• put away shoes
• vacuum/sweep
• straighten computer desk
• wipe off counters
  
• make sure there is something cold in the fridge to offer them to drink
• shower
• get dressed

Let's see, that makes ten things for the house, two for me. More than once I've managed to throw a shirt on just moments before my date arrives and then try to slip into some shoes as I go to answer the door.

And if the date is a bit last minute, well lets just hope I washed my hair that morning, because I'll be cleaning the house from the time he calls till when he gets here.

I will say this about it though, I have a cleaner house when I'm dating more than when I'm not.

That one percent

Ninety-nine percent of the time I am perfectly fine with my current social situation. I have an interesting life that keeps me active. I enjoy what I do.

But there is that one percent.

I would say that a large part of that one percent comes when I have to interact with people who are not satisfied with my social situation. They seem to forget that it is my life, not theirs. But that is not the topic for right now.

The other half of that one percent is different. Everyone has ups and downs in their life. Everyone. We enjoy the ups. We work through the downs. And we move on. We shoulder our loads and keep going. Except when you can't. Sometimes it's just too heavy right then. That's when I don't like being single.

This week I had several major deadlines hit all at once, with several more coming in quick succession over the next few weeks. And it is really weighing on my shoulders right now. And at that end of the day I would love to have someone I could set things down with for a bit. Or someone I could hand off some of the small and mundane things to for a while. Because when I am stressed like this, the small things just don't seem so small. I think that's probably why I was near tears this afternoon over a small detail about a trip next month. It has been resolved now and I ate more chocolate, so it's smoothed out now.

Sometimes I just get tired of doing everything alone.

Taylor Swift (I believe country music has the best love songs) has a new song out, "Love Story." It's stuck in my head lately. The last verse speaks to this a bit for me.

I got tired of waiting,
Wondering if you were ever comin' around.
My faith in you was fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town,

And I said,
"Romeo save me - I've been feeling so alone.
I keep waiting for you but you never come.
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think-"

One of these days Romeo will get here. In the meantime, there might be some things I drop because I can't carry them all myself at the time. As long as I don't drop the chocolate, I'll be good.

Compliments

Seems like I've seen lots of articles about how women need to learn to accept compliments without making excuses or denying that the good things people say about us are true. I like to think I'm pretty darn good at that (nobody ever compliments me on my humility, wonder why).

But does anyone ever write one of those articles telling men the same thing? I don't think I've ever seen one. Someone needs to get on that and write one for them.

When I offer a general compliment on his looks, he says thank you. But if I try anything more specific, he has to offer excuses and say he'll look better this next week because he's going to work out more than he did last week. Every time!

Okay, maybe not every time, but enough that I notice. If I didn't like the look of his arm muscles, I would not have even brought it up. Go do your push-ups and weights if you want, but I'm telling you that right now, I like your arms.

How to annoy a singleton

I offer here a list of common ways to offend/annoy a single person (or at least this single person). I offer this list not by way of making it easier for people to annoy me, but in an effort to enlighten the eyes of the unenlightened with the hopes that they'll stop doing them. At least this way they can't completely claim ignorance when I rip their heads off one day.

1. Do NOT pat my hands with "sympathy" and say you hope I get married soon. Guh!! Do you not think that I don't hope that as well? And what's with the sympathy? Is my current situation really so bad that I should be pitied? Really, I don't see my lack of marriage as an overwhelming problem that prevents me from functioning on a day-to-day basis. And winking at me while you do this only makes it worse.

2. I'm sure they mean well, but whenever anyone says, "You're pretty/smart/fun/etc. enough, you should be married," I can't help but wonder what in the world that means. Are you saying that the males I know must be real stupid because they haven't married me yet? Are you implying that there must be something seriously wrong with me that you don't know about because from what you do know you just can't understand why I'm single? What do you mean?!? If you are just complimenting me and telling me I'm pretty/smart/fun/etc., then just say that and leave the whole married thing out of it.

3. How about asking what I do with my life rather than just asking if I'm dating someone? I can see where you might think how I met a certain someone might be an interesting story, but there are so many other interesting stories that I actually know everything about. The meeting someone story, I really only know my side of it, which is only half of the story. If you ask me about my career or education, I can tell you that whole story. And trust me, the other aspects of my life are just as interesting, if not more so, than the occasional dating story.

4. Please do not assume, just because I am single, that I am incapable of handling life and being in charge of different things. I've had positions that required a lot of organizing, delegating, serving, all kinds of "grown-up" stuff. It was highly frustrating when people would doubt my ability to fulfill them simply because I was not married. Since when did being married suddenly make a person grown-up and capable?

5. Seems like everyone knows exactly what you have to do to get married, i.e. what I am doing wrong that I'm not married. I'm glad that worked for you, but you and I are different people, so I imagine my life is going to be a bit different from yours. My favorite one though was the guy who was about twice my age at the time and still had never been married. Why did he think he was qualified to give relationship advice? It'd worked so well for him huh?

I reserve the right to add to this list as the need arises.

The Pick-up Artist

After I went to the gym today, I went to the mall. I had some errands to run, and I didn't really care if I looked like a gym rat as I did them.

This mall has a kiosk seemingly every ten feet, staffed by people who are either hawking their wares and stopping everyone they can or those who are sitting and playing with their phones. It's the ones who are stopping everyone they can that drive me crazy. I'm usually shopping alone and a very easy target. (If one more person tries to sell me skin scrub from the Dead Sea, so help me . . .)

So, I'm walking down the corridor on my way to my last store when I hear some noise and look over and see this guy, and I'm not kidding, pulling me in on an imaginary rope.

We start chatting about my morning, what I'm shopping for, what I've already bought, and eventually, what he's selling.

He's good at his job. I know because I used to be in sales and was also really good at it. He's so good at his job, that I ended up buying from him. (This may also have to do with the fact that I've been sort of looking for what he was selling.)

Incidentally, he's selling makeup. The all-natural mineral stuff. In the course of doing my makeup and selling me on it, he says "So, when are we going out?"

"That's rather forward."

"Well, I'm from Israel [interestingly enough so is EVERYONE I've ever talked to who's working at kiosks like this] and we're forward. If I asked if you would, that gives you the option to say no."

I laugh.

"So when we have babies."

I laugh harder.

"See. That was more forward."

We went back to the sales pitch and other random conversational topics and after he's gotten the sale, he hugs me. I can tell that if I were putting more effort into it, it'd be a really good hug. He's also complimented me throughout.

He only did half my face during the sales pitch, so he offers to finish it, after which, he pulls out his cell phone and asks me for my number.

For some reason, I actually gave it to him.

Did I mention that he looks Zachary Quinto, but even hotter? He complimented me, did my makeup, and asked for my number while I looked like a gym rat who hadn't washed her hair in days (which, incidentally, I hadn't).

I have no idea if he'll actually call, but it kind of made my day that he even asked.

Finding the time

I got the guts to ask a guy out for last weekend. He was going out of town, so we tentatively rain-checked for this weekend. When we got in touch a few days ago I discovered that the poor boy does want to do something, but is stuck working 70+ hours a week! He may even have to work Saturday AND Sunday this weekend, and this is going to be going on for probably the next two weeks. I did some quick math and realized that two weeks from now is Thanksgiving and we were both astounded at that fact. We didn't discuss our plans, but I'll be going out of town and I think a five day road trip is a bit long for a first date. Then I realized that I have a performance heavy December.

Trying to date someone as busy as I am is nigh unto possible!

So, we decided that we're both crazy busy, but "let's keep in touch and we'll find some time soon", and "it doesn't even have to be a weekend."

I hope this isn't a classic case of "He's just not that into you", but I guess only time will tell. He really did sound enthusiastic about finding some time sometime, so my fingers are crossed.

Jinxie's the name

Life is the game.

I have a major sweet tooth.

I'm currently both a full-time professional and a grad student.

I dance. As often as possible.

I stay up late, and the earlier I wake up, the hungrier I am.

I love to travel, even all by myself.

My music is eclectic. I can listen to Il Divo one minute and Metallica the next.

I'm a percussionist, but cannot play the drums on Rock Band to save my life.

I don't always let go very easily.

To me, holding hands is often more of a sign of commitment than kissing, therefore, I've held hands with fewer guys than I've kissed.

As hard as it can be, I will never regret having been single for longer than most of those I went to high school with.

The appropriateness of the kissing

When one is in a relationship with an other, this is generally the result of a feeling of attraction between one and the other, the relationship frequently indicating that such feelings of attraction are, to a degree, mutual. An aspect of such an attraction is frequently the attraction to the physical manifestation of the other. This often results in a physical expression of such an attraction with such exhibitions as the holding of hands, the kissing, and the making out.

The timing of such exhibitions, in addition to the location of such exhibitions, should always be taken into consideration. While the holding of hands is acceptable in generally all places of a public nature, the kissing, and most especially the making out, should be used with especial discretion in their use where others may be present.

Yet it has been observed, it is with sadness that we report, and with much discomfort at having been the witness of said exhibitions of not only the kissing but also the making out, that such is not always the case.

i.e. Making out on the front steps of the church building after church - INAPPROPRIATE!!

Your time and attention to this important matter has been most graciously appreciated.

Call me Roxie

For now, you can call me Roxie.

A little bit more about me.

I love a good bubble bath.

Creating with my hands is my therapy.

I can never read enough books.

I've left my job and returned to school for a graduate degree, effectively changing my career. That's not something I ever really figured on doing, but it's worked out wonderfully. It puts me as a full time student right now. So half those books I'm reading are theory and research.

I've lived completely on my own, no roommates, for over several years now. It's great having the whole fridge/freezer to myself.

I'm a night owl.

I like a good virgin piña colada, and getting caught in the rain. Except I am into yoga.

And I think it will be good for me to finally have a place to spout off on the good, the bad, and the ugly about being single.

EDIT: Just over one year after writing this introduction I'd gotten engaged and married. I still write here though because relationships are an ongoing thing. So while I might not be frustratingly single, I still have stories from when I was single, and I still get frustrated with life and the world at times. My husband is referred to as HP (Handsome Prince) in my posts.

Welcome

Singlehood. Love or hate it, it's something we all have to go through at some point. Sure, you're the only one you have to consult about your social schedule and the socks on the floor are always yours, but wouldn't it be nice to delegate dinner responsibilities to someone else once in a while? Or kiss whenever you darn well please?

Of course!

For some, singlehood only lasts a couple years out of high school. Others have to wait much longer to find that special someone. Regardless, everyone eventually has to deal with awkward first dates and weird pick-up lines and the first month are we or aren't we dance. Or the six month are we or aren't we dance. Meeting parents. The best friend test. The first road trip. The first kiss. The first fight. The twenty-fifth fight. The break-up. The first meeting after the breakup.

There are stories in every one of them, and we're here to document our experiences. The three of us have been friends for years, but are now spread all over the country. This blog will be a way for us to share our stories with each other and with you.

We do want to clarify one thing. Our marital status does not define us. We're many things other than singletons - we're daughters, sisters, friends, students, professionals, shoe collectors, pet owners, lovers of all things sparkly, Mormon (sorry, no sex stories here), writers, thinkers, etc. We have two Republicans and one Moderate. We're a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead (insert bad joke here).

We're very happy with our lives and the things we've been able to experience thus far, especially finding each other. If we don't have husbands yet, at least we have each other to celebrate and bemoan that fact with.