Reading into things

A very large percentage of communication is non-verbal. We're taught to read body language and inflection and eye contact, and a myriad of other things. Some are better at these things than others, but that is not what we're talking about today.

At lunch today, I accused my friend of reading too much into my body language and inflection about what we were getting for lunch. He insisted I had this "He's going to say no" look on my face when I invited him to lunch and was confused about the way I said "The convenience store is fine" for picking up drinks. I insisted that I wasn't worried about him saying "no", though, honestly, I might have been, since our relationship is rocky at best, but the convenience store really was fine. Perfect, actually.

So, a few hours later, I'm back in my office and chatting with another guy friend as I wind down my work week. He sends me a link to a funny picture, and I laugh and thank him. He then says: "My sister sent that to me. She has such a great sense of humor."

Now, I don't have body language or inflection to go with this, so I can only guess as to what he means. Is he likening me to his sister as in that's how he sees me? Or, is he saying I'd appreciate it because my sense of humor is likewise great?

I think it's the latter. At least, I hope it's the latter, because I do kind of like this guy. But, I think of other aspects of our relationship, and I think maybe he does just see me as a sister-type or "just one of the guys". Incidentally, he's the same one who called me a modified form of my last name.

Who knows? But it's safe to say we all read into things a little more than we probably should. Still, if you nod enthusiastically when I say we should play soon, I'm going to assume you agree, just as I'll figure you don't care about what I just said if you're paying more attention to a computer game than to me. So, if you don't want me to think those things, make sure you don't suggest them, either with words or without.

Definitions, Take 2

I've been officially someone's girlfriend for a few weeks now. So I've also been consistently calling him my boyfriend for a few weeks too. I used to only call him that on occasion, when it would be easier to say that than get into what was really going on. I generally called him "the guy" when I referred to him because the term "boyfriend" just seemed weird. But I'm finding that I'm quickly adjusting to it. I really like telling people things like, "my boyfriend did this," or, "my boyfriend and I were talking." I like it. I really do. And part of me wonders if everyone can tell there is a fun little smile just below the surface every time I say that. Please don't let me turn into a total sap!

But we recently, my boyfriend and I :), had an interesting run-in with relationship definitions. He and I attend different wards. He accompanied me to an activity at my ward this month. One sister asked who he was. I introduced him as my boyfriend :). Her response threw me just a bit when she said, "I thought you were single."

For me, single means not married, and I'm not married. No matter how involved I am in a dating relationship, I'm still single. So I'm interested in exactly what her definition of single is.

We discussed it a bit. Married is real well defined. Engaged is pretty set too. But single covers such a wide range of things, that saying you are single rarely truly explains what is going on. How would you divide up and define the different degrees of single-ness?

Previous posts: Defintions (take 1), You mean I have to do it again? (the prelude)

Greed and disgust

There are several things about a recent engagement between two people I know that makes my stomach turn (no, it's not the people involved, they are good people, but they just happen to be very good examples of some things about engagements in general that make my stomach turn). The latest involves the ring.

The bride-to-be posted a story on Facebook explaining how the groom-to-be proposed. It was a cute story. The first comment left on the story said, "So what are the specs. on the ring?"

How absolutely messed up is the world when people care so beyond much about a piece of metal and some minerals and don't even care about the people involved or the love they have found? Why does it seem like the standard response to, "I'm engaged!" seems to be, "Let me see the ring"? People should be prepared for me to answer with some snooty remark or a simple "no" when they ask me that. I'd much rather show off how handsome he is or talk about how wonderful he is in all the little things than stick out my hand for them to oooo and aaaah over. Gag me.

And to top it off, there was this article in the Deseret News this morning, Popping question doesn't have to break the bank. It seems like a nice enough article at the outset, but the whole premise of needing to write an article like this just goes to show how much is wrong with the industry, that there is even an industry for weddings is wrong too. And I happen to agree with the commenter who responded to this line in the article, "There are some brides who won't be happy unless a ring is one or two carats." A woman like that isn't ready to get married. And any man who proposes to a woman like that deserves what he gets.

I like pretty things. That's not the problem. But I'm not going to get engaged so I can get a pretty sparkly thing. And when I do get engaged, I'll be more excited about the person I'm going to be spending the rest of eternity with than some metal and minerals.

Because blogging is more fun than homework

I have hit a new level of gossip. I found out that my relationship status is a matter of discussion at the stake level. I've never been that high before. It's been a matter of ward level gossip before. I almost feel a bit of pride at having reached such a high level. But I also have to just laugh.

I'm trying to figure out the logic of this. Two weeks ago, we made use of the hot tub at my apartment. The shirt he wore to my place got wet so I sent him home in one of my old t-shirts and had him leave his shirt, swim trunks, and towel at my place since I was doing laundry the next day. So his shirt was washed and just waiting for me to return it. Why did I find myself so drawn to wear his shirt? It was washed so it didn't even smell like him any more; it smelled like the rest of my clothes. Where was the logic on this?

Side note - he still has my t-shirt.

Speechless

When someone does something that hurts or offends you, do you ever have a really good retort right away? Of course not! You don't live in the movies, so you don't have a scriptwriter, and your perfect reply will likely not come until days later or, worse, mere moments after you leave their presence.

Then, naturally, you replay the interaction in your head and think about what you could have done better to, sadly, try to hurt them as much they hurt you.

You, ok fine, I'm talking about me here. I also plot what I would do or say if given the chance, if I run into and can talk to whomever it was.

Usually, and probably for the better, this situation never happens. If I do run into that person, I'm either so surprised that I did so that I can't say anything or I just chicken out. Besides, there has usually been enough time between the offense and the run-in that while you may not want to be friends with them, you really don't need to say anything about whatever happened.

Why am I even thinking about this right now?

The one unforgiven who wasn't on the oh so wonderful Facebook, and whom I never expected to be on Facebook, is now on Facebook. He requested me as a friend, which I have yet to accept, and messaged me. We engaged in some very small talk before he finally asked if we were not friends anymore.

This was my chance. The chance to tell him off.

I just said "I don't know. You're the one that _________ ."

Then, he did what I never expected him to do.

He apologized. Sort of. He never actually said "Sorry." and what he did say could easily be read as excuses instead of apologies. But he did say he wanted a second chance to be my friend.

Here's my chance. Again!

And I have no idea what to say.

Restaurants

When I go to a restaurant on a date I follow a few guidelines when ordering. I get the menu and start looking at a few things that might be good. Then, after we've both had time to look at the menu, I ask my date what he's thinking of getting. Part of me is interested in what they might be wanting to eat, but the main reason I do that is so I can get an idea of how much they want to spend on food. Once I know what they want to eat, I pick something that's around that same price range, within a few dollars above or below. That way I'm not ordering the 16oz steak when they were thinking of splitting an appetizer or two (splitting appetizers is fun). But I also won't leave them thinking I'm some prissy girl who just wants a salad if they were eyeing the lobster tail.

This weekend it worked out pretty well for us too. I asked him what he was looking at, and he said he always likes steak, but that the chicken looked pretty good too. I thought the chicken looked good as well so I ordered that and he got the steak. About half way through I asked him how his steak was. He said it was real good and we swapped bites of each other's dinner (the steak was good). He said it was great because he was going to order the chicken but when I told the waiter that's what I wanted he figured he'd get a bite of it and went ahead and ordered his steak.

Linksies

A few fun love related things from the interwebs:

Weird animal mating calls

29 falling-in-love movies we actually believe in

10 great love affairs in history

AFI's Top 10 romantic comedies

Enjoy!

Happy sigh.

I have an amazing boyfriend. Absolutely amazing. Best Valentine's Day ever.

He was worth waiting for. It was worth being single for so long if it means I get to be with him.

And now I'm going to go to bed so it will be tomorrow already and I'm seeing him again tomorrow.

And I won't say more than that.

Valentine's Day Pontifications

Ah Valentine's Day. The one day a year that couples everywhere are required to make grand overtures to prove how much they love each other. Millions of dollars are spent, not to mention the guilt trips and anxieties that plague those who don't know what to do for their significant others.

Singles everywhere are smacked in the face with reminders about how single they are, that no one loves them, and they are ALONE.

But what if it didn't have to be that way?

I've only had a boyfriend for 1.5 of my Valentine's Days Past. The first was shared with a boyfriend I'd been dating for just over six months, and the second was when another one asked me to be his girlfriend. Both were wonderful days.

However, I can't think of a Valentine's Day I haven't liked. There was the one that was a second date, on which he decided to tell me he was falling in love with me, but that was just more awkward than anything.

I choose, on this and every Day of Love, to share my love with everyone I love - family, friends, and, when I'm so blessed, a specific guy. My parents always give/send a small present and candy. Trixie is taking her niece and nephew out today. My parents shared their Valentine's "picnic" with my sister. I spent this morning in the temple with my roommates and some friends.

It's all about love. All love. As I read in an article earlier this week, does Halloween make you wish you were a zombie? No, of course not! So, if you're at home moping about your singleness, realize how silly you're being, and go do something for someone, anyone, you love, even if it's just you!

What will these kids think of next

Facebook has added a whole new dimension to relationships. The last time I blogged here was right after Kitt and I had decided to make our relationship official (Definitions). I must admit I didn't understand how big that was. I have since realized it is huge.

The next day I got home in the afternoon and checked Facebook. The first thing I noticed was that I had a relationship request. It said something to the effect of, "Kitt has requested to be in a relationship with you. Accept. Ignore. Block." For some reason, making it public like that seemed huge. I clicked, "Accept." (He said if I'd done something else we would've had to talk some more.)

That one click of my mouse opened a whole new can of worms. We watched members of the ward comment on the status change to each other (nothing like church gossip!). We both got comments from various friends. One of my friends was upset she hadn't been told the story yet. And another friend called me that evening to get the story and was wondering why she was so out of the loop. It hadn't even been 24 hours yet!

So it's big, and it's out in the open now. And I kind of like it.

Discussing Facebook with him, we agreed that it would not be the appropriate way to propose. No matter how technology changes our lives, I hope it will never be acceptable to propose by sending the message, "Bob requests to be listed as engaged to you. Accept. Ignore. Block."

When you don't call

If it takes greater than three days for my date to contact me again, here are a collection of my thoughts during that time:

He's just busy. No, really, he is. Maybe he's trying to think of something witty to respond with. He's probably not that big into using the phone. He obviously hasn't been on Facebook this week. Did I really kiss him? Or did he kiss me? Who initiated that one? Well, whatever, it was mutual. Oh crap, why did we kiss on the second date? Who DOES that? Did I not do enough? Did I do too much? Did I stay too long? Should I have stayed longer? Man. It's because I'm fat, isn't it? Stupid thunder thighs of doom. Well, what did mean when put his hand on my face? He did hold my hand. Eventually. That was nice. He still hasn't been on Facebook yet. Gosh he's cute. You know, he definitely kissed me back, and it was sweet, not aggressive, that must mean he likes me. He did say "WE should go to that." He must have meant it. I'm sure he's just busy. When does that project start again? Could already have started. Nope, no Facebook updates. I really should have stayed longer. What if he doesn't actually like me? He doesn't seem like the player type. STOP ANALYZING THIS! But, what if - NO! STOP IT! He'll call me when he calls me. Still hasn't been on Facebook.

Yes, I recognize that this perpetuates the whiny and desperate female myth, but those thoughts are sprinkled over a several day period, mingled with thoughts and actions of things in real life - work, school, why the roommates haven't cleaned the kitchen, etc. - and are only vocalized to a small minority of people. I'm only whiny in my head. And here. Most of the time, I realize I'm being irrational and remind myself to shut up about it.

The good news? After one email (three days post-date) and one phone call (6 days post-date), he finally called me back and left a voicemail.

The bad news? He's apparently going to be out of town during the days I asked if he was available (oh well, theater tickets are cheaper for just one person anyway), and he said "I'll catch you some other time." This, generally, seems to be code for "Whenever I remember or otherwise need some lovin'."

Oh well. I may be wrong, but I'm going to hold out for it. I'll just be pleasantly surprised if something does happen.

31 dates in 31 days

One of the writers for Good Morning America has found a unique way to celebrate turning 31. She is going on 31 dates in 31 days. On February 14th, her 31st date will be a second date. Some of her rules include only spending $31 and it has to last at least 31 minutes.

The GMA spot can be found here.

Her blog, chronicling her adventures, is here.

I really think this is a fun idea! She's going to meet a lot of different guys and have some crazy cool adventures. I'm looking forward to reading her blog. The other cool thing? She's Mormon! One of her dates blogged about his take on the evening, and revealed that little fact.

I have a golden birthday coming up (you know, where you turn the age of the day? like turning 15 on the 15th?). I may have to consider borrowing this little idea as a way to celebrate.

Investment dating

I'm not a financier or anything, so this may be an imperfect metaphor, but sometimes I see dating as something akin to investment banking.

You invest the currency of dating - time, affection, love, etc. - and hope to at least break even. If you're really lucky, you'll find an investment that gives back more than you think you could ever put in. It's likely that investment will feel that same way, that they, too, somehow receive more than they put in.

It's hard though, when you feel like you're in a bear market - your stock is going down, your investments aren't giving you any return, and there is no end in sight.

Have no fear. Your stock will go up. You will get returns on your investments, and you'll, one day, be wealthier, in love, than you ever expected.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

Some nerve

What my mother does professionally, she mostly does for small to medium sized businesses. Sometimes, she'll do a variation of her work for members of her immediate family. When I was dating the most recent of the unforgivens, she did the same for him, as a favor to me.

In recent weeks, unbeknownst to me, he had the nerve to call my parents' home and ask to talk to my mother. She must not have been home, and my father, bless his heart, probably didn't remember what had happened, and gave him an email address not even my sister knew my mother had.

My mother soon got an email asking for her help again. He, at least, recognized that it had been done as a favor to me to offered to pay my mother whatever she normally charges.

Say what?

What she said:

"I'm sorry. I only do that for family, and through the company I work for. You might want to know (insert a technical explanation about something here)."

What she wanted to say:

"You have some nerve. Do you really think, that after what you did to my daughter, that I would do that for you?"

What I want to say:

"Oh hell no. Stay the hell away from my family, you bastard."

You have to admit this guy has guts. I just I wish I didn't have to still be dealing with them.

What defines a date?

Friday, I went out with a young man I've known for some time now. I paid for our first date and we both agreed we should spend more time together. A few weeks ago, I started mentioning it again, saying "We should play soon." He'd nod his head enthusiastically, and we finally arranged to meet at a local movie theater.

He arrived first and had already purchased tickets. When I arrived, he offered treats, which, in the several years I've been dating, I don't know if I've ever been offered before. I actually stumbled over my delivery of what I would like, but with popcorn, candy, and drinks in hand we enjoyed the film.

He didn't make any moves. Nor did I. We didn't even hug goodnight. I think I waved. Odd.

Now, he and I have never used the words "date" or "go out" to define our social engagements. It was always "play" or "get together". However, when he ultimately paid for the whole thing, and it was just the two of us, I'm pretty sure Friday was a date.

According to dictionary. com, a date (such as the ones we discuss here) can be defined in one of two ways:

a social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged beforehand with another person

OR

a person with whom one has such a social appointment or engagement

Colloquially, urbandictionary.com defines it thusly

Two people getting together for an activity when the possibility of romance between them has been broached but not ruled out. Since the exploration of romance is the purpose of a date, merely asking someone out on a date is sufficient to broach the subject. Dates may or not continue once a couple have entered into a romantic relationship. The word "date" may be used to identify a get together between two people not romantically involved, but this usage is meant to convey irony, since such a meeting is not a date in the true sense of the word.

OR

A lost art, virtually nonexistent in the 21st Century. Replaced by casual meetings for lunch or coffee where the bill is dutch and parties wear jeans.

I'm rather fond of the last definition myself. Whenever I hint to a guy I'm interested in that I'm interested in going on a date, I either mention a specific activity (i.e. "I heard that movie was great! I've really wanted to see it." or "Bicycling? I love bicycling. We should go some time.") or say things like "get together", "play", or "do something".

I avoid "hang out" with guys I like as if it were the plague. That is much too casual. But say the word "date" and all sorts of drama ensues. Since dates imply relationships which imply marriage which implies family which implies forever and "Holy cow! I just met you! You want to marry me?"

Why no, actually, I just want a date. A first date does not mean forever.

I wish people, guys, specifically, would be more specific and say "Would you like to go out to lunch on Saturday?" or "Would you like to go with me to That One Movie on Friday?"

I haven't been asked on a date like that in ages, and if no such specifications are made, it can easily be assumed that even though it walks like a date, talks like a date, and looks like a date, it's not actually a date because no one said such things and nothing happened and it's not even clear if either party actually likes the other one.

It's so confusing.

That said, even though the words "date" or "go out" were never used, I definitely had a date on Saturday with a different guy. It went well enough that I'm wondering if I have to worry about Valentine's Day now. Hopefully, I'll have more on that later.