The last

With a single phone call this evening I was suddenly doomed to be the old maid in my family.

The youngest sibling is already married and multiplying and replenishing the earth.

This afternoon the other sibling decided to get married as well.

It won't happen immediately of course. They don't know when or where the wedding will be. They need to figure out their schedules (they currently don't live in the same city, which could make things a bit difficult), as well as when all the important people can fly in for it.

But when it does happen, that will leave me all by my lonesome - marriage wise.

I'm at least not alone enough that there won't be anyone to kiss come midnight tonight. And who knows what might happen in 2009.

My dad told me once that in January he didn't think he'd be married by August, and expecting a baby just a few months later. But in February all those many moons ago he proposed to my mom and that got that ball going. So who knows.

Taking it off

Obviously, we here at I Won't Say are girls with standards. There are lot of things, particularly on the physical side of things, that we won't do. Not that we don't want to, because, by golly, we do. However, we've made certain commitments not to, and feel that our lives will be blessed by it.

Still, we can have some fun. In fact, we can have a lot of fun. With our clothes on.

There are, however, some things we can take off. Or, even better, you can take them off for us.

Shoes/socks - Being barefoot is comfortable and sexy, and have you ever had your toes kissed? It's surprisingly fun.

Glasses - They get in the way, and nose smudges are not sexy. If you don't take them off, we will eventually.

Watches/bracelets - Not so fun when they get stuck in your hair.

Hair things - Having someone run their fingers through your hair, even gently pulling it (you guys were on to something in elementary school!), is really, really sexy. So, if our hair is in a ponytail or something, take the elastic out! This is one case where we don't care what you think about our hair, as we have obviously already impressed you.

Earrings - I am, personally, a big fan of the earlobe nibbling, but I understand that it's difficult if my earrings are in the way. So, take them out. (I once had someone take them out with his teeth. Impressive, but not necessary.) As long as you pull the earring out and not down, you aren't going to hurt me.

Jackets - They limit mobility, and if there is kissing (and we're inside), I'm going to be plenty warm.

Obviously, things like shirts, pants, skirts, those things need to stay on. For now. Just about everything else? Fair game!

They never called

The Pick-up Artist nor The Busy Guy.

In fact, the next time I was at that mall, I didn't even see that guy's kiosk. That's a little strange.

As for the busy guy. He's dating someone else. Somehow he found time for her and not me. Oh, and he never told me. Before I ever asked him out, I'd mentioned an event coming up in mid-December that he expressed interest in. So, realizing that the two week period was up and that the event was following week, I called and left a message inviting him to it and dinner. Then, I saw him with this other girl. While there was no PDA, I did pick up a certain vibe that they were together, which I confirmed with his roommate a couple days later. Apparently, Busy Guy had been meaning to tell me, but never got around to it. The event came and went with nary a word. Nor did he mention it when we were chatting yesterday. Whether or not he has the heart of gold his roommate mentioned, he's still a jerk for not ever calling me back.

In fact, with the exception of one guy, everyone I've asked out in the last year is dating and/or engaged to someone else.

Great odds for the guys I date, no? Not so much for me.

Penny for your thoughts

The situation: A couple guy friends and I had just been in the car for 8 hours. I'm basically wearing pjs (athletic pants and hoodie). We're in a reflective elevator up to one of their apartments to hang out a little longer and meet some other people. I check my hair and makeup and mention, off-handedly, that my hair has gone a little crazy.

"You girls worry too much about people think."

I heard it again a week or two later.

What is too much?

Of course we worry about what people think. We're trying to attract a mate, remember? Do peacocks fan their feathers because they're more comfortable? Maybe, but they're trying to attract a mate. So, if there is a chance I'm going to meet someone, I don't want to look like I just stumbled out of a car after 8 hours, even if I did. If I am not obviously attracting someone, I wonder if it's because I laugh too loud, or if my dress makes me look bulgy, or any number of things. I'm not preoccupied with it, but I want to present myself in the best way possible. In an effort to make conversation, I may mention something like my ponytail of wavy hair having gotten a little out of control.

Is that what signifies "too much"? When it spills out into conversation? I still don't know, but conversations like the following certainly don't keep me from wondering what people think.

(The very first IM from this guy that day. No "hi" or anything.

Him: you're hillarious!

me: I know. I try.
But why am I hilarious today?

him: I'm not going to explain, it will ruin your day, I just wanted to know that sometimes you just make me laugh.
:D

me: As long as it's a good thing that I make you laugh.

him: that's right!

Thanks for that.

The ways we relax

I had an "exit interview" of sorts from one of my classes this semester. The teacher scheduled each of us for 15 minutes with her to talk about how we did in the class. Except this teacher is the queen of tangents so it was more like one or two minutes about the class and then 18 minutes about everything else. Yes, the 15 minute meetings were more like 20.

This semester, for some reason, has just been real hard on everyone, starting back in October. It's just felt real long. Maybe there's been a baby dementor in the building this semester. Not a full grown freezing-cold-all-the-happiness-gone-from-the-world one, but a little one.

I told the professor that I'd gone back to knitting the last half of this semester because it was something I could do to soothe my nerves. She mentioned she's started crocheting a lot more. And then she asked if I had a significant other. As a matter of fact I do. She could tell because I've been one of the happiest students both semesters in her class. None of this has anything to do with what the class actually was.

But it's true. When things are going well with me socially, either having a significant other or being okay with the lack of one, I'm much more calm and relaxed in every other aspect of my life. But when things go bad with a relationship, I really feel sorry for everyone around me because it seems to spill over in to everything else.

I guess if I end up getting good grades this semester I should thank Kitt for his help with that.

Coming out of the woodwork

One day in February of 2007, I was bored. I posted an ad on Craigslist inviting guys to email me to chat and pass the time. I said "we'd go from there." If I met anyone from it, I don't remember specifically, and it obviously didn't last.

Why do I care today?

Because someone emailed from it again today. Saying "I know its been a while, but I wanted to know if you are still interested." It looks like I emailed him after his email and he never responded

Um. What? If we didn't hit it off two years ago, what makes you think we'll do so now? I've had two birthdays since then. I've started grad school since then. I could easily have been MARRIED in that time. It's quite presumptuous of him to just email me like that, not to mention desperate.

I think I'll just be ignoring this one.

Just like I ignored the guy who added me on Facebook and after several messages to try to figure out how I knew him, I finally realized it was someone I'd chatted with from Craigslist at somepoint. Also months and months ago. Yeah, no. We won't be talking again.

I also avoid Craiglist personals these days.

File this under inappropriate

One advantage to having everyone around me get married before me is that I get to attend all their receptions and see things I like and don't like about them and what I'd hope to be able to do at my reception some day.

Recently I attended an absolutely lovely reception. There was no two-hour long receiving line, because there was no line. Instead you signed the guest book and then found a small bottle of Martinelli's that had your name on it and the number of the table you were sitting at. At the tables there was a name card. The dinner, yes, full dinner, not just tiny plate with trail mix and a brownie, was delicious - salad, main course, and desert of chocolate mousse and bridal cake. The table setting was beautiful. There was soft music in the background. So all that was really missing was the dance floor to take advantage of the soft music.

And then the father-of-the-bride stood up to say a few words. And he ruined it!

The bride is about 35 right now. And the father said that the announcement said that he and his wife were pleased to announce the wedding of their daughter, but that a word was missing from it and it should have said they were pleased to finally announce the wedding of their daughter. For rude! Those that I went with were embarrassed not only for the bride, but for the father. Who says things like that?

And then it got worse. He started talking about how he had always taken care of her, especially with her credit card problems, multiple credit card problems, and how he'd always bailed her out and it would now be up to her new husband to do that. Yes, let's pull out all the dirty laundry and air it out for all the guests at the wedding, the supposedly happiest day of your life. It was bad.

The bride's older sister got up a little later and presented a gift bag to the groom and welcomed him to the family. The bride has two older brothers and two older sisters. The sister said that he'd married all of their hero. That was what the father should have said.

So, beautiful reception, minus the father-of-the-bride. And of course dancing is always fun.

I won't, but I did

I won't say what I said, but I said it. And it wasn't exactly the response I wanted, but it was pretty much the response I figured I'd get. But I said it. And now it's out there. And part of me is very relieved I don't have to worry about it slipping out when it feels like the exactly perfectly wrong time to say it even if it is on the tip of my tongue. And part of me is terrified about what comes next.

But it felt right. It really did.

Oh please oh please oh please be something good.

I wish I knew what he was thinking.

Perfecting Passive Pressure

My mom loves to say that she doesn't pressure us to get married and have kids. And she doesn't, actively. She's never specifically told me that's what she wants me to be doing with my life right now. Instead she has mastered the art of passively pressuring me.

She loved to recount how when people would ask how many grandkids she had she'd tell them none because none of her kids were married. I know none of your kids are married. I'm one of those kids. And yes, you don't have grandkids because I'm not having any for you. Why do you need to remind me that you don't have grandkids because none of your kids are married? I know it. Trust me.

I told her that came across, particularly with the frequency she'd tell me about it, like she was wishing we would get married and have grandkids for her.

Then I had a sibling get married. So she had to stop saying that anyway.

She also likes to tell me how the guys I know need to marry me. Luckily, she hasn't started telling them that. It's been more than ten years now that I've limited my mom to only asking about my social life once a month, but even that seems like too much some times. And some times she forgets about the once a month limit.

This year, my married sibling had a kid, and my parents have their grandkid. I love that kid. That kid is the cutest, smartest kid ever born into the world. Being an aunt is the best!

It is the time of year when people are writing letters recounting the high points of the year in their family and sending those letters to friends with a Christmas cards. My mom generally runs the letter past all of us to make sure she's got her facts right. She was telling me about the letter the other night. It's one page of pictures. There's a picture of my sibling with their kid. There's a picture of just the kid. There's a picture of my parents with the kid. There's a picture of my other sibling with the kid. There's a picture of me with the kid. And there's the words giving the basic facts about the birth of the kid and a witty line about how pictures are worth more than words.

I asked my mom if nothing else exciting had happened in our family this year. She said no.

It's good to know that me leaving my career, moving states, and starting a graduate degree aren't anything exciting in our family. The only big thing I did this year apparently was become an aunt. Passively she's pressuring me and saying that there's nothing that important in my life because I'm not married and having kids like my sibling.

It's nice to know you matter like that. Especially during the holiday season.

I don't want to feel like this. I really really don't. And I'm working real hard on not feeling that way. I've been trying to get over it for a year now, ever since I first found out I was going to be an aunt. But that letter isn't helping me any.

This is why we named our blog what we did

Disclaimer: There are allusions to strong language in the following post. A bad habit of mine, that I hate really, is that I don't have the cleanest mouth when I'm upset. He never watches his language.

What he said:

Over time: "You're cool." "Youre breasts are huge." "We have a lot in common." "I want to f*** you." [It sounded better in context than this, I promise. Despite the language.]

Today: Well. Here's what's going on. I don't really want to hang out that much. You're cool, like I've always said, but the way you word some things makes me feel obligated to chat or to visit and I feel weird. Secondly. Because I don't want to hang out that often I'm having conflicts over the whole kissing thing. I want to, yeah. That's been established. But if I do I feel like I have to visit you all the time. Which is a problem because of the not wanting to hang out a lot thing. At work I like my lunches to be my lunches. Outside of work I have a lot of things to do and many more people to deal with. So. I kinda like to do my own thing, which, obviously, most people also like to do. But this between us makes me feel like I need to or else I'll upset you. And that's what I want to get away from.

What I wanted to say:

You started this. Our friendship which then turned into kissing and would have turned into more if I let it. I was just trying to get to know you and be your friend. I was being courteous when asking if you were coming to visit so that I didn't miss you, not because I expected it or needed you too. I never intended to make you feel weird. Don't you think it makes me feel weird when I tell you "it ain't gonna happen" but you make every effort TO happen? F*** you. Now I'm thoroughly confused as to what you want from me. A friend whenever you need one but not I do? A f*** buddy? Okay. Let's just be friends. We'll talk when you want to talk. Kiss when you want to kiss. I will not initiate a conversation (or more), because that makes you feel weird.

What I actually said:

I'm sorry if I ever made you feel weird or obligated. I certainly never meant to do that. If I was asking if you were coming by, it was because I thought you'd want to and I didn't want to miss you by stepping out momentarily. I was never upset when you didn't stop by at lunch or something. But at the same time, I'm not a drive-up window. If we're going to be friends, it goes both ways. And sometimes I'm going to say hi or ask how your day is. I don't have an ulterior motive. I'm just being friendly.

Of course he hasn't responded yet. Yes, I know I should have seen this coming. Loneliness makes you do crazy things. Yes, dating people at work is bad. Oh? And guess when the holiday party is? If you guessed tomorrow, you'd be right.

Personal Editing

After the mulling I've done over the weekend, I've had a few thoughts.

When someone tells you something they don't like about you, the initial reaction is to get defensive and say that's just how you are and they need to learn to accept it because you can't change. Except that isn't true. You can change. We are supposed to change. We are supposed to grow and improve and get better. (Mosiah 5: 2, 7; Mosiah 27:25; Alma 5:26; Alma 19:33)

Plus, I can think of other things in my life where someone pointed something out about me and I then worked on it and changed and became a different, better person from it. But there are also suggestions I've gotten where I think about what they said and decide they are blowing smoke out their ears and completely dismiss their suggestion.

So I needed an analogy for this. How about writing.

When I write a paper, the words that hit the page are the words I would've spoken, they are in my voice and represent what I want to say. And then I might have someone look over the paper for me and tell me what they think. They'll make suggestions where they think the paper can be improved. Some of their suggestions I might look at and decide that making that change really would make the paper better. Other suggestions I'll look at and decide that the words there are just in my voice and I like how it sounds because it sounds like me.

That is how I think I'm going to look at the answer I got Friday night. Is it something that will make my paper better and easier to understand? Or is it just a problem with my voice?

I'm not going to change just because some guy told me to. Instead, I'll make changes that I feel will make me a better person regardless of the relationship situation I seem to find myself at the moment.

Questions and answers

There are some questions we probably should ask but don't want to. And there are some answers that we probably should know but don't like.

Tonight was one of those.

It was a question I needed to ask. And it was an answer that I probably needed to know. Knowing is better than not knowing, right? But that doesn't mean I like it any.

I'll have to mull this one over a bit.

+1

I can bring a plus one for an event tonight. Apparently no one wants to/can go, which is fine. Oh, except this guy. He saw that I was looking for someone to go, and sent me a message to ask what time it was. If he can go, I'm not going to say no. I just wish my prospects were a little better.

On a related note, a theatre company I occasionally work with only offers one comp ticket per performer/crew. I suppose that's all well and good if you have an SO who wouldn't be bringing a date anyway, but what about those of us without them? Can't offer it to my parents (if they lived near me), since there are two of them. No couple friends either. It's like a 2for1 for them, which is somewhat helpful, but still. Nope. I get to pick the one friend I like more than anyone else and say "You can come free to my show. Bring some of our other friends, but you get in free!" I usually just emailed a bunch of people and said that the first respondent gets a free ticket.

The plus side is that if I don't find anyone for tonight, I won't feel obligated to go out with them after. Which is good, because I have big plans to spend the rest of my Friday evening at the gym.

Singlehood and holidays

I hate songs like "Winter Wonderland" and "Let It Snow". They glorify being in love during the holidays, something I haven't experienced in far too long. Even when I was in love during the Christmas season, there was no conspiring by the fire. He lived with his parents, and I lived in a dorm. However, it was December when we first dropped the L-bomb. I have other fond Christmas memories of other boyfriends, but it wasn't love.

I don't wander around hating Christmas or people in love. Just those songs. In fact, I love Christmas, but I choose to focus on the Savior and my relationships with my family and friends. Therefore, I prefer songs that reflect that.

I could have used having a boyfriend last week. I live thousands of miles from my parents and it just isn't feasible to go home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. I had plans with a friend, and then I didn't, and then I had an offer from another friend. I had other friends expecting me to come visit them, so with that last offer, I headed out of town.

Rather than go back and forth between going and not going and being alone and not being alone, it would have been a lot easier if I had someone who was always there and committed to me. Still, I was doing okay for most of the weekend.

Then I saw the couple I was staying with cuddling on the couch. Even though they have little teeny arguments sometimes, I could tell in that moment that they really loved each other. Then the friend I traveled with and I stayed with another couple, who were also clearly in love. And, as I was drifting off to sleep on an air mattress in their dining room, my friend called his girlfriend. He missed her and left the type of voicemail I haven't received on my phone in who knows how long. Even the other friend we gave a ride to cuddled with someone over the weekend.

I was surrounded by couples, and I missed being part of one. As cheesy as it is, I certainly wouldn't mind having someone to build a snowman with and name him Parson Brown.