Tuesday, December 9, 2008

This is why we named our blog what we did

Disclaimer: There are allusions to strong language in the following post. A bad habit of mine, that I hate really, is that I don't have the cleanest mouth when I'm upset. He never watches his language.

What he said:

Over time: "You're cool." "Youre breasts are huge." "We have a lot in common." "I want to f*** you." [It sounded better in context than this, I promise. Despite the language.]

Today: Well. Here's what's going on. I don't really want to hang out that much. You're cool, like I've always said, but the way you word some things makes me feel obligated to chat or to visit and I feel weird. Secondly. Because I don't want to hang out that often I'm having conflicts over the whole kissing thing. I want to, yeah. That's been established. But if I do I feel like I have to visit you all the time. Which is a problem because of the not wanting to hang out a lot thing. At work I like my lunches to be my lunches. Outside of work I have a lot of things to do and many more people to deal with. So. I kinda like to do my own thing, which, obviously, most people also like to do. But this between us makes me feel like I need to or else I'll upset you. And that's what I want to get away from.

What I wanted to say:

You started this. Our friendship which then turned into kissing and would have turned into more if I let it. I was just trying to get to know you and be your friend. I was being courteous when asking if you were coming to visit so that I didn't miss you, not because I expected it or needed you too. I never intended to make you feel weird. Don't you think it makes me feel weird when I tell you "it ain't gonna happen" but you make every effort TO happen? F*** you. Now I'm thoroughly confused as to what you want from me. A friend whenever you need one but not I do? A f*** buddy? Okay. Let's just be friends. We'll talk when you want to talk. Kiss when you want to kiss. I will not initiate a conversation (or more), because that makes you feel weird.

What I actually said:

I'm sorry if I ever made you feel weird or obligated. I certainly never meant to do that. If I was asking if you were coming by, it was because I thought you'd want to and I didn't want to miss you by stepping out momentarily. I was never upset when you didn't stop by at lunch or something. But at the same time, I'm not a drive-up window. If we're going to be friends, it goes both ways. And sometimes I'm going to say hi or ask how your day is. I don't have an ulterior motive. I'm just being friendly.

Of course he hasn't responded yet. Yes, I know I should have seen this coming. Loneliness makes you do crazy things. Yes, dating people at work is bad. Oh? And guess when the holiday party is? If you guessed tomorrow, you'd be right.


Roxie said...

Can I suggest not kissing when he wants to kiss? I've been down that road. It feels great at the time, and the most hollow empty ickiness afterward.

Jinxie said...

That's the plan right now. I knew it was stupid when we started up again, but I thought we were going to bo adult about it this time. Guess I thought wrong.