Secrets

If I ever send anything into Post Secret, it will be this:

You don't know this, and it might not even matter to you, but I was happier during the five minutes you spontaneously held my hand than I was on a good day with my ex-fiance.

Funny how, upon looking back, I can see how unhappy I was. It's hard to explain, because I was happy: happy that I'd found someone who loved me back, happy to be starting a new life with someone I loved, happy at the prospect of becoming part of his amazing family, happy to have my future right there beside me, filling in that empty spot I'd felt so painfully just a few months before we started dating. At the same time, however, I wasn't happy. My aunt told me that she'd never seen me so stressed, that the reports from my mother made her worry for me. (And she should know, having been in an emotionally abusive and manipulative marriage during her 20s.) It startled me to hear her say it out loud in my car while I was giving her a ride back to her house from a family gathering several months ago. I wasn't happy and I didn't really know it until someone who cared deeply for me finally told me.

Then, a few months ago, someone I'm going to call Campbell and I ended up at the same guest lecture and, while walking back to my office, he reached down and just held my hand. It was only for five or ten minutes, but in that short amount of time I realized very forcefully how happy I was just being with him. That realization came in stark contrast to how unsure I often felt with The Ex even on our best days. There was a tiny part of my brain that never trusted him and was sometimes scared of him, but with Campbell, it was completely different. I felt purely happy and apparently it showed, because we ran into a coworker of mine and later this coworker asked me how long Campbell and I had been dating and commented on how happy and peaceful I looked. It's hard not to read anything into that, even months later.

I visited Campbell at work the other night, on my way home from another event, and felt the same way. No matter what was happening, I felt comfortable and save with him. I didn't even get self-conscious about eating in front of him (he waits tables at one of my favorite restaurants and I was hungry that night) or about saying something stupid.

I can't say what's going to happen, but I can say that I am happy when I am with him, confident in myself whether or not I'm dressed up and wearing makeup, and that being with Campbell somehow fills a part of my soul. Maybe someday I'll tell him.

Maybe not. A wise Buddhist friend of mine said "do what you feel good about, and let the rest take care of itself. Don't worry--things work out." I have faith that no matter what, things will work out and I'll be happy. Right now, I want to be happy with him but I'm peaceful about the situation and I'm not worried. Much. :)

The Love Letter

My mother loves making cards. She makes them for every occasion you can think of, and even a few you've never thought of. She sends them to everyone all the time. She's someone who hasn't forgotten the satisfying feeling of mailing something physical to someone, nor of receiving a physical note in return. So I really shouldn't have been too surprised at the card I received in the mail from her today. Although it still makes me laugh.

The card had hearts on the inside and out. One of the ones on the inside was a fuzzy heart sticker even. The inside of the card read, "Sounds like love is in the air. How exciting. Love, Mom & Dad." I didn't realize walking through a jewelry store with someone was cause for a congratulatory greeting card. Leave it to my mom.

On the whole though, I feel that our society has gotten too far away from the beauty that is a well crafted love letter. My relationship with the boyfriend has been in writing to a very large degree. Both of us are computer geeks and are at a computer for a good portion of our day, so we have email conversations back and forth all the time. It's great because we have this written record of our relationship (which also means I can look up what he said months/years ago and has forgotten). Even when we are sitting right next to each other in a church meeting, we write back and forth to each other, passing notes. At least we aren't talking and disrupting the lesson. We have a notebook I keep in my bag for church for that very reason.

But we also know when it is time to put down the pen or keyboard and actually talk, face to face, about what is really important. Unlike some guys who feel it is okay to apologize via text message (how old is he? 12?).

There is a time for fun banter through technology. And there is a time for eye contact and touch and hearing each other's voices with their words.

And I hope there's still time for a good love letter too.

Boyfriend Stealer

Or something like unto it.

One summer during college, I did a Study Abroad, far, far away from The Homeland. During the last six weeks of my trip, I kept hearing about a particular boy from Trixie. They spent many an evening together and there were definitely fireworks. It was looking a lot like a non-serious summer fling, but she was certainly having fun. I was, naturally, happy for her, and looked forward to meeting this intriguing fellow.

I got my chance during a game night shortly after my return home. He was, indeed, intriguing. Intellectually stimulating and fairly handsome.

And just like that, he moved on to me. I don't think Trixie saw him at all during the next two weeks, but I saw him at least four times. I didn't intentionally snatch him up, but that's what happened, and we also had a lot of fun. He was a little weird about meeting my parents when we had to run back to my house for a swimsuit one night, but it was basically like meeting my roommates, so I didn't see the big deal.

Now, even though he wasn't seeing Trixie anymore, and he had a bit of a player reputation, he didn't once touch me. No moves. Nada, except maybe a hug goodnight.

Then, just as quickly as it had started, it ended. He didn't call me for a week and a half and when I finally saw him again at another game night, I gave him the cold shoulder. He walked me to my car that evening and asked what was up and we realized that while I had thought there might have been something there, he was just being friends and "friends don't always have to call each other to be friends, at least guys don't".

Neither Trixie nor I really went out with him again, not like that summer.

And that is the story of the one and only time Trixie and I have gone after the same guy. Sort of.

I am WEARING clothes!

I did a quick survey of all involved (the contributers to this blog) and discovered that my next bad date story should be about roommate's creepy friend - RCF. The thing about this story is, it never actually was a date.

Roommate met RCF in a math class I believe and started bringing him by the apartment after class or to study and such. There were six of us living in the three bedroom apartment. Five of us thought RCF was creepy. He was so creepy that I would not venture into the front of the apartment when he was there but preferred to stay back in my room (which I shared with someone else, not the roommate that brought RCF over).

What was so creepy about him? When he looked at you, you could tell he couldn't see your clothes. There was something in his eyes that you knew he was picturing you naked. And that's just creepy!

I was mad as anything when I came home one day to find roommate sitting on the other bed in my room working on the computer in there, and RCF sitting on my bed! UN-A-CCEPT-ABLE!!! And I told her so. And she thought we were all being so unfair because he wasn't creepy and was real nice. I'm sorry, but five out of six of us felt he was creepy, that's enough for dentists and toothpaste.

After an evening activity with some people in a few other apartments (and RCF for some reason) where we'd played the ever popular game "I've never" in which it game out that I'd never kissed anyone (always a good one, I'd get everyone else with that one), we all came back to our apartment and while everyone else was doing things in their rooms or whatnot, RCF backed me against the kitchen wall and offered to help take care of that kissing thing for me. ICK!!

A few weeks later he came home with my roommate and decided to ask me on a date. The conversation went something like this:

RCF: (date invitation, probably a movie)
Me: No
RCF: Why not?
Me: I don't think it would work.
RCF: How do you know it won't work if you won't give it a try.
Me: I just don't think it would work.
RCF: You aren't even going to give it a try so you can't know.

Excuse me bud, I can know. This is one of those times where I can absolutely know it won't work.

It continued like that till one of my other roommates mentioned that I was already dating someone. I wasn't actually dating the guy she was referring to, we were just friends. But it at least shut up RCF. I was still real creeped out by it though and went and got my hockey stick and kept it close by the rest of the evening.

And that was the first time I got out my hockey stick because of a guy. I'll have to share the other story at another time.

Past bad date story: The story of Comb-Over Guy

When we wonder what they're thinking

I think I know my thoughts rather well. But there are oh so many times where I wish I knew the thoughts behind the actions of others. I seem to be having them frequently lately, and all of them with regards to the boyfriend. What exactly is he thinking? Not that I don't mind the actions, I'm just curious as to the thoughts behind them.

Take tonight for instance. Tonight we went to the movies. We used to do that a lot. But then we started doing a lot more staying in activities and we haven't gone out much. But tonight we went to the movies. And at the mall even, not the cheap theater.

We arrived about 45 minutes before the movie started, so after buying our tickets we wandered around a bit. As we headed back to the theater, he walked us through a jewelry store. Um, huh. We did a slow walk through and he asked me what kind of jewelry I liked as he was leaning over some ring cabinets. Never had a guy ask me that before.

The movie was great. Absolutely loved it. Sooo much fun!

But if I said like I felt like I was sitting on a ticking bomb, would that give you a visual to how I'm feeling a bit? Only it's a real good bomb full of rainbows and bubbles and flowers and butterflies. Not the destructive kind of bomb. I just wish I could find the timer device so I had a better idea when it was going off. This is just so weird. I have no idea what to make of it.

It's my life, not yours

I like to think I'm pretty good with words. But there are those I find who can express my thoughts so much better than I could. This is one of those times. Saturday, Manolo For the Brides wrote a post called "Whose Decision?" Should that really be a question we are asking? But it is. And it has to be asked too often.

I am surrounded by people who love me. And I know this because they all have opinions about what I should be doing with my life. If they didn't love me they wouldn't care enough to tell me what to do. Right?

Ever since meeting the boyfriend over three years ago... Okay, that's wrong. Since about six months after meeting the boyfriend, I've been hearing from one person or another that he just needs to marry me, that if he didn't act soon it meant he was leading me on and just playing with me, that there must be something wrong with him if he hadn't already married me, that if we aren't already married then I'm just wasting my time with him, that I should just dump him since he hadn't married me already. And many more such statements that I can't specifically remember at this time.

Seriously people! It's not your life!

I do talk a lot about my life and my relationships, but that does not mean that these people know everything there is to know about the relationship, that they have all the details of the issues he and I have been working through. In fact, I don't talk about the big issues/problems much at all. I believe that the issues a couple is working through should be worked through by the couple. I do not want to have told someone else about it and then after it's been resolved, still have that other person not yet over it. It's why I don't tell my mom about disagreements or such I have with a boyfriend. If we work through it and I end up marrying the guy, I don't want my mom to have past bad feelings for him when I'm clearly over it.

As to the boyfriend, there have been some pretty big issues that have come up between us, issues that unless they were resolved wouldn't have contributed to a healthy marriage. They are also issues I haven't told anyone else about. So leave us in peace to work through them. When we're ready, we'll get married.

And the comments of "it's about time" or "I don't know what's taking you so long" are generally not appreciated. It will be in the time it's supposed to be. And of course you don't know what's taking so long, you don't need to know.

A friend of mine asked this week what had changed between the boyfriend and I since we'd voiced our love to each other. Honestly, pretty much nothing has changed. This friend said that we had a pretty solid relationship so they weren't surprised nothing had changed. And how did we get that solid relationship? By working through our issues on our own in our own time.

Stuck in my head

Last night, I dreamt that I was with my ex-fiancé. He hugged me, a hug I could really feel and still remember, and told me that he still loved me. I replied in kind, saying that I loved him too. Then, he walked away, and his name was removed from the theater's marquis and that, to me, meant that he had died. I was sad, of course, but knew that I'd be okay.

This morning, I thought "Well, that was weird. Oh well."

But now, because I'm a classic overthinker, I can't get him out of my head. Roxie suggested: Perhaps your dream meant that while you loved that time in your life, it's over. You'll always have fond memories of it, but it's time to move on.

I can agree with that. I forgave him long ago, but I still do think of him on occasion. Many things remind me of him, and I can't help that. When I think of him now, it's usually fleeting, and the memory leaves as quickly as it arrived. While I'm no longer in love with him, I am still in love with the idea of him - someone I love and want to marry and spend many wonderful hours with. It doesn't exactly explain why I can't stop thinking about him today, or why I had such a vivid dream about him, but it does explain why my memories of and feelings for him still pop up every so often.

He was a big part of my life, even if only for a short time. He was around for some major events in my life, and it's not like I can erase his presence entirely. He will come up, in my thoughts and in conversations, and things will continue to remind me of him. I just have to accept that and then move on. I also think it will get better, easier to push him out of my head, when I have someone around who fills that role, and who will do so better than I could ever have expected.

But today? I might be a little distracted. And that's okay too.

Follow Through

Well over a month ago, a guy I met two years ago, and haven't seen in at least one, sent me a message on Facebook to basically tell me that he's been crushing on me for the last two years, not asking me out then is one of the biggest regrets of his life and everything he's doing professionally right now?

all of it i honestly would throw away to go on a date with you.

Wow. I was, truly, flattered, and told him so. I can't say my feelings are mutual, but I don't dislike him, so I also told him that I'd be willing to go on a date when he got back from his business trip

Two weeks later he was back and sent me another Facebook message, asking me out for the coming weekend. Unfortunately, I had an out of town wedding to go to, but suggested we get together another time.

All he's done since then is "poke" me. Twice.

He's either STILL incredibly nervous about asking me out, or he isn't as in to me as he claims.

Would it kill for a little follow through?

The story of Comb-Over Guy

Story time! We now get to take a trip down memory lane as I regale you with stories of past bad dates. Not surprisingly, most of them will be blind dates. But that does not mean that all blind dates I've been on where bad. Two of them turned out real well. You could even describe the boyfriend as having been a blind date at one point. But that's not the topic of this story.

This story will be about a date I went on with a guy that has ever after been referred to as "Comb-Over Guy" (he will be called COG for this post because I don't want to type that out every time).

This date was set up by a couple in my ward. The husband went to school with COG. They were studying to be computer scientists. I worked with computers for my job. And since both COG and I liked computers, were single, and belonged to the same church, the wife decided that COG and I would be perfect together. While this is slightly better than some people's requirements for setting up friends (same marital status, same religion), the wife did break one BIG blind date rule - I get to decide if we are perfect together, not the people setting me up.

But the date was arranged. The date would involve married couple 1 (that did the setting up), married couple 2 (the husband also knew COG, and the couple was in the same ward as couple 1 and I), myself, and COG. We went to dinner at a restaurant and then to a movie before going to the apartment of couple 2 for dessert.

The events themselves were not bad. But I had to constantly remind myself that I was on a date with COG and should probably look at him. Which then resulted in me having to remind myself that staring was not polite. I was also constantly reminding myself that since I was on a date with him I should probably talk with him.

COG was not a bad person, and other than the physical characteristic that resulted in his pseudonym, he wasn't bad looking either. But there was absolutely NO connection between us. If you have to remind yourself you are on a date with someone, the date is NOT going well.

After the date he took me home and we said good-night. I did not say we should do it again, but rather that I'd had a nice time and said thank you. If there was any touching in the good-night saying, it would've been a simple hand shake, but I can't remember that. I honestly didn't expect to hear from him again. Surely he must have noticed how extremely awkward the date was.

Nope. He called me up a week later to ask me to go ice skating with him. I told him that since I was still recovering from a sprained ankle from three weeks ago, ice skating was not possible, but thanked him for the invite all the same. I never heard from him again.

Wife from coupel 1 though got extremely mad at me for how rude I was to not go on a second date with COG. I never did understand that.

The end.

A-freaking-MEN

First, I will admit that sometimes I have a penchant for the bad boy. There's just something, perhaps their raw animal magnetism, that gets me. But I know they aren't for keeps. And now, research proves it.

Second, and most importantly: One morning, I was on the train with a blind date. We were headed into the city to do some sight-seeing for our date and chatting about who knows what. Somehow, the subject of porn came up. Now, I've seen, first hand, how it can mess with relationships of every kind, and I do not care for it one bit. So, when my date replied to whatever I'd said with "I love porn!!", I was floored. Why I didn't stand my ground, get off the train at the next stop, and go right back home, I'll never know. That was at least the second strike to what turned out to be a rather tortuous date.

So, today, when the Art of Manliness posted this - The Problem with Porn - it says exactly what I've been saying for years. Read it. Share it. It's EXACTLY how I feel.

Of course, it's rather impossible for people to have never seen it these days, and it's not an immediate dealbreaker (there were other reasons I should have gotten off the train that day), but I do not like it, Sam I Am. Not on a train, not in the rain, not in a box, not with a fox. And I won't apologize for it.

I did say

I did say, but he said it first.

This evening, after our usual Sunday evening stuff, we had the following conversation:

him: I love you.
pause
pause
pause
me: Really?
him: Yeah.
me: I love you too.

I had kind of hoped that when that moment came I would be more clever or romantic than I actually ended up being.

The butterflies I got when he said it are still with me.

Related: What we will say. I won't, but I did.

When someone calls me mom

Today is Mother's Day. And I'm finding myself struggling with mixed emotions.

For six years I was in a ward that honored all of the women in the ward on this day, and not just with flowers that would die within the week. They had Church CDs or small Church books. The men on Father's Day got king sized candy bars. I never really felt alone or childless on Mother's Day in that ward. I simply felt like one of the honored mothers in Zion.

I was in a different ward last year that did absolutely nothing for the day other than a few talks. It was quite the let down for me. And it was probably compounded by the fact that I'd past the point where I was not going to be a mother in my twenties, but my baby sister was going to be a mom in just over three months. I was struggling last year with what value my life could have if I wasn't a mother.

Now I'm in yet another ward, and I've been nervous about what they would do. How they would treat this day? Would I be included or excluded in this ward?

I love my mother deeply. She's half the reason I am who I am today (my father is the other half, he gets his day next month). And I honor her on this day. Yet at the same time I find myself wondering just when my deepest desire to be a wife and a mother will happen.

Of all the names and titles I have in my life, I cannot wait till someone calls me mom.

This is big, right?

Going to a family thing that's in town and you don't have to take time off work for is one thing, right? But taking several days off work and traveling across the country for a family thing is a whole different thing, isn't it? And if it's a family wedding rather than a family picnic, that makes a difference too, doesn't it?

This is going to be a whole fun experience and I'm suddenly a lot more excited about taking this trip myself because I won't be doing it by myself.

Why, yes, I do have other plans tonight

Kissing me (once, a quick peck) after helping me take out my garbage, then not calling for 11 days and calling three times in over an hour (not leaving a message the first two times and finally getting to talk to me on the third) does not earn you points. Just FYI.

My plans tonight? Post this and then lounge around in pjs. I would much rather do that then spend an evening with someone who is that nonchalant about getting together with me.

How do you know?

There are many many things I love about this article: One date wonder. The first of which is that it is a man calling for more courtship.

But what he says makes so much sense. Two people do need time to get to know each other. People are different at different times (women especially, we change depending on what week of the month it is). Some people are different at different times of the year. If you know a person just a few weeks or a couple of months, what can you really know about them? I'm not saying you need to know someone for years and decades though either. There is a happy medium.

A friend of mine recently asked me how I knew I wanted to pursue things with the boyfriend, how I knew things would work out. It's an interesting question. And as I tried to think of an answer, I actually realized that I did it the same way I've known other things.

I loved the talk given in the April 2008 General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints by Elder Carlos A. Godoy of the Seventy - Testimony as a Process. In it he describes how a testimony is rarely the result of a singular event. Rather it is an accumulation of small events that build on each other until we know. That is how we gain a testimony, through a series of events.

As I thought about it, that's how I know what I know about this relationship. I can, actually, point to a few specific moments where I've had a feeling from heaven that things could very well work out, and I've kept those to myself. But it isn't because of those moments that I want things to work out. It's been a series of small events. It's the quirky names he calls me. It's the questions he asks and how he really does want to know what I think. It's putting his arm around me at church or holding my hand when we go to the temple. It's taking me for ice cream when I've had a real crappy day, or even when I've had some great news I want to celebrate. It's all of these moments, and so many more, that make me know I want it to work out. And it's all of these moments that make me know, more than signs from heaven, that it really could work out.

Lately I absolutely love this song. This is what I want, to be in love with my best friend. And that only comes with time.



Another line I love is "lucky to be coming home again." It reminds me of a line from Finding Nemo when Dory says, "I look at you, and I... and I'm home." I think that's part of love, that feeling of being home. And that too can only come with time, from building on small moments together.