Sunday, May 31, 2009


If I ever send anything into Post Secret, it will be this:

You don't know this, and it might not even matter to you, but I was happier during the five minutes you spontaneously held my hand than I was on a good day with my ex-fiance.

Funny how, upon looking back, I can see how unhappy I was. It's hard to explain, because I was happy: happy that I'd found someone who loved me back, happy to be starting a new life with someone I loved, happy at the prospect of becoming part of his amazing family, happy to have my future right there beside me, filling in that empty spot I'd felt so painfully just a few months before we started dating. At the same time, however, I wasn't happy. My aunt told me that she'd never seen me so stressed, that the reports from my mother made her worry for me. (And she should know, having been in an emotionally abusive and manipulative marriage during her 20s.) It startled me to hear her say it out loud in my car while I was giving her a ride back to her house from a family gathering several months ago. I wasn't happy and I didn't really know it until someone who cared deeply for me finally told me.

Then, a few months ago, someone I'm going to call Campbell and I ended up at the same guest lecture and, while walking back to my office, he reached down and just held my hand. It was only for five or ten minutes, but in that short amount of time I realized very forcefully how happy I was just being with him. That realization came in stark contrast to how unsure I often felt with The Ex even on our best days. There was a tiny part of my brain that never trusted him and was sometimes scared of him, but with Campbell, it was completely different. I felt purely happy and apparently it showed, because we ran into a coworker of mine and later this coworker asked me how long Campbell and I had been dating and commented on how happy and peaceful I looked. It's hard not to read anything into that, even months later.

I visited Campbell at work the other night, on my way home from another event, and felt the same way. No matter what was happening, I felt comfortable and save with him. I didn't even get self-conscious about eating in front of him (he waits tables at one of my favorite restaurants and I was hungry that night) or about saying something stupid.

I can't say what's going to happen, but I can say that I am happy when I am with him, confident in myself whether or not I'm dressed up and wearing makeup, and that being with Campbell somehow fills a part of my soul. Maybe someday I'll tell him.

Maybe not. A wise Buddhist friend of mine said "do what you feel good about, and let the rest take care of itself. Don't worry--things work out." I have faith that no matter what, things will work out and I'll be happy. Right now, I want to be happy with him but I'm peaceful about the situation and I'm not worried. Much. :)