It only takes one

Recently we got on the topic of how many first dates we'd been on over the years. We were talking with another guy who said that he often feels like he doesn't want to go out on dates because for the most part he's just spending money on someone else's wife. I pointed out that while that might be true, there's another guy out there spending money on his wife.

HP said that he's probably been on a couple hundred first dates. His roommates and him would invite different girls over ever week for dinner. He says now that he wishes he'd spent more time building friendships than going on countless first dates. My first date count is probably somewhere around 25 is all (why did I not know guys who invited girls over for dinner when I was in college?). And for second dates - 4, and one of those was over three years after the first date. So it really doesn't matter how many guys you've gone out with, because it only takes one.

Another count that people keep track of is how many people they've kissed. Again, my number on that is very low. HP's number isn't too much higher. But I have known someone who figured that if she could name all of the guys she'd ever kissed, then she wasn't a slut. The fact that she had to have a written list (and it was a page front and back) or she couldn't name all of them was not relevant.

It doesn't matter how long either list is. What matters is that eventually we all get to the end of it.

What a bunch of whiners

For the last two days, I have been surrounded by whiners. It started yesterday morning by discovering that some people in my building at work were whining to another person in my building about something I was doing. This thing is only minor and inconsequential, but they still felt like they need to whine, and it bothered both me and the middle man (who at least did the right thing in telling me about it) that they didn't just speak directly to me.

Last evening, my brother sent me a video of our dog whining. He's adorable, but he's whiny.

Today, my employees were whining about their task. I know it's boring, but it needs to be done. Whining won't make it go any faster. It's worse that the closer in proximity these employees get, the more they whine. They seem to feed off each other.

It gets really old.

The kicker is JT. We hadn't seen much of each other this summer, for various reasons, but finally got together on Monday.

And, as part of me suspected, it turns out he's back with his girlfriend. I can't say that I'm thrilled, because I still have feelings for him and because I know they've had a rocky relationship and how hard this last breakup was on him.

It also means that I'm the placeholder. Both times they were completely OFF, he and I kissed (which took me by complete surprise, both times). And then they got back together again. I feel all sorts of special now, thanks.

So, I've been dealing with all the related emotions this week, but still just trying to be his friend. We started that way, and I still value that relationship.

That doesn't mean I'm ready to hear about his girl problems.

On Monday, he'd asked if I wanted to go see a particular movie and added that his girl didn't want to see it, which is why he was seeking alternative company. We were discussing that movie, and another she didn't want to see, and he could have just mentioned the girl and been done with it. Instead, he went off about how he'll go to the ballet even when he's hopped up on cold medicine but she won't see a zombie movie.

Not ready, JT. I don't want to hear about this yet. Additionally, if things are going so well this time around, it seems a little fishy that you're already complaining about her.

I want everyone to stop whining. Just until Monday.

And next time JT and his girl break up, I'm not going to let him kiss me. It's just too messed up, and I can't handle messed up relationships anymore.

Sunday Night Reflections

There's something about Sunday nights that make them particularly hard. No matter how successful my week may have been, Sunday evenings often find me reflective and sometimes even a little sullen.

Growing up, and when I lived close to my parents, Sunday evenings were family time, even if it was just sitting around trading sections of the paper. On the nights we didn't spend entirely together, we always made an effort to at least eat Sunday dinner with one another. They were special meals, a little nicer than the rest of the week. Even during some of family's more stressful times, I don't remember arguments about whether or not we were to attend Sunday dinner, we just did. Later, we'd often play a game, watch a movie, go for a walk, or just sit around and gab. It was rarely anything spectacular, it just was. So now that I'm on my own, I miss those times. Holidays are the expected hard time for singles, but Sundays are a close second.

Last Sunday, I enjoyed the quiet of my home, as I'd been on a weekend long trip with several friends from church. I'd spent quite some time talking with my current crush (it sounds so high school, but it's apropos) on this trip, for which I was grateful, and I'd also made several new acquaintances. I just needed some time to recharge, alone, before my week, so I didn't mind coming home to an empty house.

Today, however, is a little different. I had missed all the social events of the weekend for a business trip I arrived home from late last night, so I was looking forward to seeing my friends today. I saw and visited with my ward crush before and during church, but I spied him talking to the same girl for the entirety of our monthly after church meal. Just chatting, but I couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy. Tonight, I had plans to watch a movie with a girlfriend, but she wasn't at church and hasn't responded to any of my attempts at contact. None of this anything to worry about just yet. It's just the standard response to any social disappointment and it just happens to be on a day I often feel a little more alone than others.

Fortunately, I took Trixie's recommendation and recently finished reading A Single Voice. If nothing else, it reminds me that I'm doing the right thing in making the most of my single time and trying to improve my attitude about life. I can't always control my social life, but I can control quite a bit of my personal life. This week, I'm going to make a better effort at that. I'm going to clean my apartment (again), exercise more, and study my scriptures.

My life is good. And, hey, at least I had complete control of the remote tonight.

Speaking the truth

I saw this on a blog and felt it was so well said. It is truthful. It is something so many of us have felt. But it is a truth that few people are willing to state. Why are we so afraid to say those truths some times? Because I've been afraid to say it. The few times I have said it, the reaction I got from people was one that made me almost afraid to say it again.

On a small scale, we all do it.

"Hi. How are you?"
"Fine."

Try saying something other than "fine" in that situation some time. See what happens when you truthfully tell someone how you actually are doing. Generally people don't want the truth of how you are doing, they just want to avoid odd silence.

I've had nights where it seemed like the world was empty save me. I've been in a group and looked around and realized that everyone had someone and I could leave and nobody would notice. Lonely alone though feels better than lonely with others.

And maybe truthfully admitting it more often would make it hurt less.

Reason

Someone just wrote a guest blog that I really enjoyed. I like reading about the experiences of other women being single in this world. I like feeling like I belong, that someone else understands what it's like to be single (and happy!) in a family-oriented church. I like reading about brave people who have gone through some bad times and come out better on the other end. I'm glad people blog about it all.

I know I could contribute to other blogs. I've been through some stuff. I've had some experiences. I've grown a lot. I've changed into a better person.

But I don't want to talk about it anymore. I talked about my broken engagement and some of the circumstances around that over the weekend. It exhausts me to talk about it because it brings back so much of the emotion and trauma of the whole thing. Just when I think I'm done and finally ready to stop being sad or angry about it, it comes back. It's so much better than it used to be--I guess I'm at 90%--but that last 10% comes roaring into my brain sometimes and I hate it. I'm tired of talking about it because I'm tired of it still bothering me, but I talk about it because it still bothers me and then I get tired. It's kind of a vicious cycle, isn't it?

Would someone else benefit from my experience? Probably. I think other people already have, which might be one of the reasons I went through it. I know it's therapeutic to talk and get stuff out of my system, but I feel like I've been doing it too long and it just needs to stop so I don't bother other people. And, honestly, there is a lot I can't say because I want to keep the trust he placed in me, even if he may not have done the same thing. I don't know. I haven't talked to him in almost three years and have no desire to start any time soon.

Maybe it's just been a rough month, but it really hasn't. It's been a good month, work weirdness aside, so why am I having angst about this again? All part of the process, right? I have a good life, I have good friends, I have a GREAT family, I have a lot going for me, and things are going really well. I think that's pretty cool, and I should focus on those things instead of someone else's bad decisions.

Something's in the Air...

I found out recently that another of my dear friends is getting married. When I found out he was dating his now-fiancee, I was so happy for him. He seemed so settled and at peace with himself and his life, and while she's several years younger than him, they really are perfect together. I attended the (beautiful and inspiring) wedding of a (beautiful and inspiring) mutual friend a couple of weeks ago and had a chance to talk to him--he glows now. It's amazing and beautiful and I am very very happy for them!

I have to confess, however, that I feel a little left out at the same time. This year will have seen four of my closest friends becoming engaged/married, and one of those four break up in some of the same circumstances of my own broken engagement. It's funny how you can hurt for one person so much at the same time you want to shout from the rooftops with another person, isn't it? It's funny how you can be so happy for your loved ones and a little sad for yourself at the same time, isn't it? It's not necessarily that I feel SORRY for myself (I do have a good life with a lot of things going for me), but my heart hurts a little that I don't have what they have. Gina, the friend going through the bad breakup, turned to me at the wedding (we were at the same table as Billy at the luncheon) and said, looking at the very happy couple, "they really love each other, don't they?" I replied "yes, honey, they do. That's what you want and that's what you deserve!" She said "I do deserve it, don't I?" and my heart broke for her. Right now, she doesn't know what it's like to be loved for exactly who she is. She thought he did at the beginning, but then he tried to change her because he was threatened by her intelligence and beauty and talent. No one should do that. No one should insist on changing someone else's God-given nature just because he or she is insecure. No one should try to force someone to subdue his or her spirit--that's called "unrighteous dominion" and, as far as I'm concerned, is as bad a sin (if not worse) than adultery or physical abuse.

I suppose I'm so affected by Gina's current situation because it's so devastatingly familiar (I'm not going to go into that now) and I'm so affected by Billy's situation because it is the Dearest Wish of My Heart to love and be loved like that. It's a strange mix of emotions--happy that my friends are so happy, sad that they're sad, angry that people think they can treat others so badly, and left out because I want a wedding and a marriage too! It doesn't really help that, over the last year especially, I've felt something coming and I tend to impatience. I have to remember that the Lord has all this in His hands and that I just need to do the best I can to live a good and productive life and help others.

I'm so very happy for Billy and Cyd (and Betty and James), so happy at the prospect for me, but so sad for Gina and myself that we don't have the thing we want most. I hope, when we finally have it, we never take it (or him) for granted, but will cherish and honor the gift we've been given. Those two wonderful couples give me hope that all promises will be fulfilled and that my Heavenly Father hasn't forgotten or given up on me.

The tricky part is remembering it all on the bad days...

I'll take the nerd any day

It's amazing what can be done with a graph. On Graph-Jam today there was a bar graph showing the level of dedication of a boyfriend on the vertical axis and the type of boyfriend on the horizontal axis.

The attractive boys have an occasional interest. The unattractive ones are about 50%. And, according to the chart, the nerds feel their girlfriend is their everything.

Speaking from experience, I'd say that's pretty much it.

The super attractive boys, if they showed any interest at all, were fleeting (and in the end their attractiveness was always only skin deep). The unattractive ones were, um, they had other issues as well. But give me a nerd, a geek, an engineer, a computer guy, those are the guys for me. My best dates were with the engineer types. (Okay, admittedly, so were a few of the bad ones. Remember Comb-Over Guy? So it isn't a perfect graph. Let's move on.)

Now, admittedly also, there are those engineer nerd types that never leave the lab, whatever type of lab they may be in (which might have been part of COG's problem). Those types of guys wouldn't know what to do with a woman if she danced naked in front of them. Not that I've tried.

But the engineer nerd types that leave the lab, really, it's hard to go wrong with them.

And those guys with the heart of gold always end up being more attractive then the ones whose attraction only lasts a moment.

HP writes software for a living. It's one of the things that attracted me to him because I knew that meant I was dealing with a good guy.