Tidbits

My mother and I were discussing my holiday travel plans and how I'm considering venturing to Manhattan for New Year's Eve in Times Square. I just don't know who to go with, as it's not something I'd even consider doing alone. An entire day of mostly standing around with several thousand strangers? No thanks.

Me: It's hard to plan such things two months out. And who knows? What if my travel friends are dating someone by then, since it's a notorious date night? What if I'm dating someone? Then again, knowing my track record, I won't be.
Mom: You know, you shouldn't say that, because one day you will be. You never know.

Thanks, Mom. You're totally right. I really should curb the self-deprecating talk.

Also, this article really spoke to me, from the annals people who say it way better than I ever could. Change the specific people and locations, and I've been there and had the exact same revelation.

Maybe I could meet up with her for a New York New Year's Eve!

Alone...

I really tire of going to things by myself. I tire of being brave and independent and sassy and showing up alone. I haven't gone to a movie in almost a year. There is a long list of plays, concerts, and other performances I want to go to, but I probably won't just because I'm sick of going by myself. I try to get dates to these things, but the men I know are invariably busy (or too borderline creepy) and can't go.

It is very frustrating to keep asking and get turned down because of other circumstances and commitments, and it is very frustrating to be so tired of dressing up and going out...alone.

October is always hard.

Sometimes, even though I know I should have gone to bed well over an hour ago, I stay up trying to put off the inevitable turning of the Earth toward a new day, just because I know that the next two weeks are going to be very hard.

I know I'm going to pay for this later, because my body doesn't enjoy getting less than 8 hours of sleep (I know exactly how spoiled I am that I have the luxury of that much sleep...), but I can't seem to help it:

My brother and his family are moving several states away before Halloween and I don't want to think about it because it's so sad. He has to go where the work is, and the work just isn't here. I hope they come back someday--it's tearing me apart that I won't get to see them and their precious children every two days. I'm so glad I know that we ARE an eternal family no matter what distance this Earthly life puts between us!

It only takes one

Recently we got on the topic of how many first dates we'd been on over the years. We were talking with another guy who said that he often feels like he doesn't want to go out on dates because for the most part he's just spending money on someone else's wife. I pointed out that while that might be true, there's another guy out there spending money on his wife.

HP said that he's probably been on a couple hundred first dates. His roommates and him would invite different girls over ever week for dinner. He says now that he wishes he'd spent more time building friendships than going on countless first dates. My first date count is probably somewhere around 25 is all (why did I not know guys who invited girls over for dinner when I was in college?). And for second dates - 4, and one of those was over three years after the first date. So it really doesn't matter how many guys you've gone out with, because it only takes one.

Another count that people keep track of is how many people they've kissed. Again, my number on that is very low. HP's number isn't too much higher. But I have known someone who figured that if she could name all of the guys she'd ever kissed, then she wasn't a slut. The fact that she had to have a written list (and it was a page front and back) or she couldn't name all of them was not relevant.

It doesn't matter how long either list is. What matters is that eventually we all get to the end of it.

What a bunch of whiners

For the last two days, I have been surrounded by whiners. It started yesterday morning by discovering that some people in my building at work were whining to another person in my building about something I was doing. This thing is only minor and inconsequential, but they still felt like they need to whine, and it bothered both me and the middle man (who at least did the right thing in telling me about it) that they didn't just speak directly to me.

Last evening, my brother sent me a video of our dog whining. He's adorable, but he's whiny.

Today, my employees were whining about their task. I know it's boring, but it needs to be done. Whining won't make it go any faster. It's worse that the closer in proximity these employees get, the more they whine. They seem to feed off each other.

It gets really old.

The kicker is JT. We hadn't seen much of each other this summer, for various reasons, but finally got together on Monday.

And, as part of me suspected, it turns out he's back with his girlfriend. I can't say that I'm thrilled, because I still have feelings for him and because I know they've had a rocky relationship and how hard this last breakup was on him.

It also means that I'm the placeholder. Both times they were completely OFF, he and I kissed (which took me by complete surprise, both times). And then they got back together again. I feel all sorts of special now, thanks.

So, I've been dealing with all the related emotions this week, but still just trying to be his friend. We started that way, and I still value that relationship.

That doesn't mean I'm ready to hear about his girl problems.

On Monday, he'd asked if I wanted to go see a particular movie and added that his girl didn't want to see it, which is why he was seeking alternative company. We were discussing that movie, and another she didn't want to see, and he could have just mentioned the girl and been done with it. Instead, he went off about how he'll go to the ballet even when he's hopped up on cold medicine but she won't see a zombie movie.

Not ready, JT. I don't want to hear about this yet. Additionally, if things are going so well this time around, it seems a little fishy that you're already complaining about her.

I want everyone to stop whining. Just until Monday.

And next time JT and his girl break up, I'm not going to let him kiss me. It's just too messed up, and I can't handle messed up relationships anymore.

Sunday Night Reflections

There's something about Sunday nights that make them particularly hard. No matter how successful my week may have been, Sunday evenings often find me reflective and sometimes even a little sullen.

Growing up, and when I lived close to my parents, Sunday evenings were family time, even if it was just sitting around trading sections of the paper. On the nights we didn't spend entirely together, we always made an effort to at least eat Sunday dinner with one another. They were special meals, a little nicer than the rest of the week. Even during some of family's more stressful times, I don't remember arguments about whether or not we were to attend Sunday dinner, we just did. Later, we'd often play a game, watch a movie, go for a walk, or just sit around and gab. It was rarely anything spectacular, it just was. So now that I'm on my own, I miss those times. Holidays are the expected hard time for singles, but Sundays are a close second.

Last Sunday, I enjoyed the quiet of my home, as I'd been on a weekend long trip with several friends from church. I'd spent quite some time talking with my current crush (it sounds so high school, but it's apropos) on this trip, for which I was grateful, and I'd also made several new acquaintances. I just needed some time to recharge, alone, before my week, so I didn't mind coming home to an empty house.

Today, however, is a little different. I had missed all the social events of the weekend for a business trip I arrived home from late last night, so I was looking forward to seeing my friends today. I saw and visited with my ward crush before and during church, but I spied him talking to the same girl for the entirety of our monthly after church meal. Just chatting, but I couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy. Tonight, I had plans to watch a movie with a girlfriend, but she wasn't at church and hasn't responded to any of my attempts at contact. None of this anything to worry about just yet. It's just the standard response to any social disappointment and it just happens to be on a day I often feel a little more alone than others.

Fortunately, I took Trixie's recommendation and recently finished reading A Single Voice. If nothing else, it reminds me that I'm doing the right thing in making the most of my single time and trying to improve my attitude about life. I can't always control my social life, but I can control quite a bit of my personal life. This week, I'm going to make a better effort at that. I'm going to clean my apartment (again), exercise more, and study my scriptures.

My life is good. And, hey, at least I had complete control of the remote tonight.

Speaking the truth

I saw this on a blog and felt it was so well said. It is truthful. It is something so many of us have felt. But it is a truth that few people are willing to state. Why are we so afraid to say those truths some times? Because I've been afraid to say it. The few times I have said it, the reaction I got from people was one that made me almost afraid to say it again.

On a small scale, we all do it.

"Hi. How are you?"
"Fine."

Try saying something other than "fine" in that situation some time. See what happens when you truthfully tell someone how you actually are doing. Generally people don't want the truth of how you are doing, they just want to avoid odd silence.

I've had nights where it seemed like the world was empty save me. I've been in a group and looked around and realized that everyone had someone and I could leave and nobody would notice. Lonely alone though feels better than lonely with others.

And maybe truthfully admitting it more often would make it hurt less.