Sunday Night Reflections

There's something about Sunday nights that make them particularly hard. No matter how successful my week may have been, Sunday evenings often find me reflective and sometimes even a little sullen.

Growing up, and when I lived close to my parents, Sunday evenings were family time, even if it was just sitting around trading sections of the paper. On the nights we didn't spend entirely together, we always made an effort to at least eat Sunday dinner with one another. They were special meals, a little nicer than the rest of the week. Even during some of family's more stressful times, I don't remember arguments about whether or not we were to attend Sunday dinner, we just did. Later, we'd often play a game, watch a movie, go for a walk, or just sit around and gab. It was rarely anything spectacular, it just was. So now that I'm on my own, I miss those times. Holidays are the expected hard time for singles, but Sundays are a close second.

Last Sunday, I enjoyed the quiet of my home, as I'd been on a weekend long trip with several friends from church. I'd spent quite some time talking with my current crush (it sounds so high school, but it's apropos) on this trip, for which I was grateful, and I'd also made several new acquaintances. I just needed some time to recharge, alone, before my week, so I didn't mind coming home to an empty house.

Today, however, is a little different. I had missed all the social events of the weekend for a business trip I arrived home from late last night, so I was looking forward to seeing my friends today. I saw and visited with my ward crush before and during church, but I spied him talking to the same girl for the entirety of our monthly after church meal. Just chatting, but I couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy. Tonight, I had plans to watch a movie with a girlfriend, but she wasn't at church and hasn't responded to any of my attempts at contact. None of this anything to worry about just yet. It's just the standard response to any social disappointment and it just happens to be on a day I often feel a little more alone than others.

Fortunately, I took Trixie's recommendation and recently finished reading A Single Voice. If nothing else, it reminds me that I'm doing the right thing in making the most of my single time and trying to improve my attitude about life. I can't always control my social life, but I can control quite a bit of my personal life. This week, I'm going to make a better effort at that. I'm going to clean my apartment (again), exercise more, and study my scriptures.

My life is good. And, hey, at least I had complete control of the remote tonight.

Speaking the truth

I saw this on a blog and felt it was so well said. It is truthful. It is something so many of us have felt. But it is a truth that few people are willing to state. Why are we so afraid to say those truths some times? Because I've been afraid to say it. The few times I have said it, the reaction I got from people was one that made me almost afraid to say it again.

On a small scale, we all do it.

"Hi. How are you?"
"Fine."

Try saying something other than "fine" in that situation some time. See what happens when you truthfully tell someone how you actually are doing. Generally people don't want the truth of how you are doing, they just want to avoid odd silence.

I've had nights where it seemed like the world was empty save me. I've been in a group and looked around and realized that everyone had someone and I could leave and nobody would notice. Lonely alone though feels better than lonely with others.

And maybe truthfully admitting it more often would make it hurt less.

Reason

Someone just wrote a guest blog that I really enjoyed. I like reading about the experiences of other women being single in this world. I like feeling like I belong, that someone else understands what it's like to be single (and happy!) in a family-oriented church. I like reading about brave people who have gone through some bad times and come out better on the other end. I'm glad people blog about it all.

I know I could contribute to other blogs. I've been through some stuff. I've had some experiences. I've grown a lot. I've changed into a better person.

But I don't want to talk about it anymore. I talked about my broken engagement and some of the circumstances around that over the weekend. It exhausts me to talk about it because it brings back so much of the emotion and trauma of the whole thing. Just when I think I'm done and finally ready to stop being sad or angry about it, it comes back. It's so much better than it used to be--I guess I'm at 90%--but that last 10% comes roaring into my brain sometimes and I hate it. I'm tired of talking about it because I'm tired of it still bothering me, but I talk about it because it still bothers me and then I get tired. It's kind of a vicious cycle, isn't it?

Would someone else benefit from my experience? Probably. I think other people already have, which might be one of the reasons I went through it. I know it's therapeutic to talk and get stuff out of my system, but I feel like I've been doing it too long and it just needs to stop so I don't bother other people. And, honestly, there is a lot I can't say because I want to keep the trust he placed in me, even if he may not have done the same thing. I don't know. I haven't talked to him in almost three years and have no desire to start any time soon.

Maybe it's just been a rough month, but it really hasn't. It's been a good month, work weirdness aside, so why am I having angst about this again? All part of the process, right? I have a good life, I have good friends, I have a GREAT family, I have a lot going for me, and things are going really well. I think that's pretty cool, and I should focus on those things instead of someone else's bad decisions.