Thursday, March 26, 2009

We're off to see the Wizard

Do you ever just feel like you don't fit in?

I'm not one of the girls here. I'm known and liked, but I'm definitely on the fringe. At least with the vast majority of people here. There are a few that I would consider close friends. Just about everyone else feels more like a good acquaintance, and I'm not sure why. I'm not sure what I did or didn't do that's left me on the edge. You'd think living in a place for a year you'd make friends, but really, the good friends are kind of limited here. There are good acquaintances, but it doesn't get deeper than that.

The other night at an activity I went to sit with a circle of three girls that I would think I should be closer to. But I'm not. It just felt real weird to sit down with the three of them. First it felt like I'd stepped into a secret meeting I wasn't invited to, and then to realize that I've known them all a year and yet I still don't feel like they know me or I know them.

So then I started wondering what was wrong with me.

And of course I started thinking about them too. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized who I'm dealing with - the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion.

First, the Tin Man. She's an amazing organizer person. I'm sure if physics would let her, she'd organize entropy. She's that good at it. But at the same time it's like she's emotionally disconnected from it all.

The Scarecrow is nice enough. But she's also disconnected in her own way. It's like only 80% of her shows up at any one time and you know that what you are saying isn't going much deeper than the ears. She's kind of just living her life willy-nilly with whatever comes up. There's a haze that surrounds her and I haven't found the fog light to see through it yet.

The Cowardly Lion has a huge heart. But she's always in the shadows. She's always behind others. She doesn't shine. She doesn't even approach anything resembling drama.

All three of them are similar in age to me. And all three of them are also single. And part of me wonders if it isn't the missing heart, brain, or courage that's holding them back. And if that's the case, then what am I missing?

So then I started wondering who I am. Am I Toto who's just there because and has no real role? Am I the wizard, using tricks and illusions to hide what a sham I am? I'm pretty sure I'm not Glenda. Could I be the Wicked Witch of the West? A flying monkey? Am I the Wicked Witch of the East and I just don't know that a house has fallen on me yet (although there are times it feels almost like that)? Do I represent the Lolly-Pop Guild?

Or are we all just Dorthy and haven't been able to find our way home yet? Will I get to the end of the road and realize it was as simple as tapping my heels together?

Just tell me I didn't somehow get turned around and I'm now going backwards on the Yellow-Brick Road.


devri said...

Woman, I never fit in.. And I am ok with it.. I think?

Have a great weekend.

Roxie said...

We've decided I represent the Lolly-Pop Guild. At least that would seem the case from my real cool stripped knee-highs.

When he tells me I look like a munchkin, but he does it with that smile, I can't help but take it as a compliment.

Erin said...

Hah! You should move to the eastside of Seattle and then we can hang out. I've finally found real girlfriends up here ... or maybe I've just come out of my own fog.

(Linked through Segullah.) ;)