I could remember my pains no more

When I was lonely and single, especially when I was hurt and sad and angry and frustrated, whether at an individual or the whole single situation, I knew, somehow, that whomever I ended up finding and marrying would be worth the wait and the hurt. That, like Alma in The Book of Mormon in Alma 36:20, I would be able to say: "And oh, what joy , and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!"

I experienced this while Roscoe and I were dating and engaged - I was so happy and knew that happiness would grow for the rest of forever that it already made up for everything I had gone through while I was waiting for him.

What I really hadn't considered was verse 19: "And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more." Alma couldn't even remember the hurt.

Last night, Roscoe and I were watching TV together and a main character was breaking up with his girlfriend, who has been a supporting character this season. She'd done nothing wrong, he'd just realized he was in love with someone else, and so he ended it.

Watching her cry, knowing I'd been in similar situations of being blindsided by a breakup, I realized that if I'd been watching that episode a year ago, I probably would have been hit with at least a twinge of how much that sucks and hurts.

This time, sitting with and holding the hand of my husband of five weeks, I felt nothing. I was sad for her (though, admittedly, happier that this character was going to get back to his real love), but I felt nothing for me. I ran through some names in my head of jerks in my past and nothing, no hurt, no sadness, just peace and happiness for the life ahead. I truly "could remember my pains no more."

Of course, I paused the show, told Roscoe about this and just how happy he makes me. He's amazing.

It also reminds me of the Atonement, which is why Alma could no longer remember his pains. It's not just about the pain of sin, but of the pain of disease, injury, and even heartache. Jesus took that all on Himself so that we could overcome them and continue on our path of eternal progression.

It's an amazing blessing and I am feeling very grateful for it today!

Older Than You Think I Am

I live with my parents.  I have for a while, for good reasons I won't get into again in this post.  In the ward directory, I am listed separately from them with my own phone number.  People new to the ward might look at the directory and see two parents and two daughters in the same house and, without knowing the situation or meeting us, assume we're in our late teens or early twenties.  It's a fair mistake.  After all, when my siblings and I had moved out or were going to singles wards, a new couple in my parents' ward thought they were childless because they never saw them with children at church!  We all got a kick out of that one.  Again, a fair mistake.

I had an odd moment a couple of months ago:  a new family in our ward called me while I was at work.  I didn't answer because I didn't recognize the number, but I checked my voicemail as I was leaving the building.  It was the father in this new little family, asking me to babysit their two children so he and his wife could attend ward temple night.  He said that some of the young women weren't available and hoped I would be.  I was taken aback.  It's been several years since someone besides family has asked me to watch their kids.  I think the last time I did any babysitting was when I was 19 or 20 and doing overnights so the parents could go on vacation.  It was such an odd question that I didn't even know what to say when I called him back.  I joked with my parents that he couldn't afford my hourly rate, but I really didn't want to embarrass him because I understood that he'd never met me and had no idea how old I was.

When I called him back, I got his voicemail and just said that I hadn't planned on attending ward temple night and that I didn't get home from work until after 5, but that I would be happy to watch his kids if they couldn't find someone else.  I didn't say anything about money because I wouldn't have wanted them to pay me--it would be a service on my part if they wanted me.

I never heard back, and it's never come up in subsequent interactions with them.  I think they figured out that I was a little bit older and it might be weird to ask me to watch their kids.  They're a great couple and their kids are adorable; I'm perfectly willing should they need me.  I don't think they will.

As many experiences like this as I've had, I really shouldn't be disconcerted that people assume I have a lot of free time and don't have a "real" job just because I'm single and live at home...and yet I am always a little taken aback at the assumptions.  I've learned to chuckle at it, help where I can, and be as kind as possible.  It wouldn't be fair of me to assume they know my life.

Whirlwind

Hello strangers. Last we spoke, I was giving online dating a shot. I went on a few dates, mostly duds. Well, all duds eventually. John Denver also turned out to be a disaster.

So I threw myself back into school and work and the single life I actually enjoyed.

And then I got a layoff notice.

And then I met someone.

And I spent the summer unemployed and falling in love (and doing some school work) and blogging was not high on my priority list.

And now? I'm getting married next month! And planning our wedding! And moving into our new apartment! Oh, and I'm working part-time and prepping for graduation next semester.

So, life is busy, but oh so wonderful. My fiancé, Roscoe Jones, is amazing and I can't wait to be his wife!

I'm going to try and use some of this month's NaBloPoMo and tell some of our story. Or talk about wedding plans. Or, on busy days, share some of my favorite quotes about love.

I am an incredibly blessed woman. Roscoe has definitely been worth the wait!

Teach Truth

I was recently at a Relief Society meeting about standing in holy places, and specifically about making where you are standing a holy place. The couple doing the main presentation was great. At one point while she was speaking he brought all five of their children into the room and they played chase around the room while she kept talking. Excellent object lesson. Because some times it can be really hard, for one reason or another, to make where you are standing feel as holy as the temple.

After the meeting I was talking with the sister and she actually apologized to me for talking about children so much. Which really caught me off guard. She was worried she might have offended me because I don't have children. She doesn't even know about our struggles. I assured her that I was not offended in the slightest. Family, children, marriage, all of that is truth. It actually offends me more when I can tell someone is leaving things out because they don't want to offend me.

Two months ago my mother said they had a lesson in Relief Society about eternal marriage where the teacher did not talk about marriage at all because she did not want to offend the single, divorced, or widowed sisters in the ward. How do you teach a lesson about eternal marriage without talking about marriage? I have no idea.

Eternal marriage is an eternal truth. Children are an eternal truth. We are not living in the celestial world currently and so there are all kinds of situations we may find ourselves in. But the truth is still the truth. And we should never shy away from teaching truth.

Faith and Prayer

Every six months or so I spend my daily commute on public transportation reading the Conference edition of the Ensign (the rest of time I do my pleasure reading). Recently I was reading the Conference report from April Conference. And these paragraphs from Elder Nelson's talk made me tear up:

If we pray with an eternal perspective, we need not wonder if our most tearful and heartfelt pleadings are heard. This promise from the Lord is recorded in section 98 of the Doctrine and Covenants:

“Your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord … and are recorded with this seal and testament—the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.

“Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord” (D&C 98:2-3).

The Lord chose His strongest words to reassure us! Seal! Testament! Sworn! Decreed! Immutable covenant! Brothers and sisters, believe Him! God will heed your sincere and heartfelt prayers, and your faith will be strengthened.

Elder Russell M. Nelson
Face the Future with Faith, Ensign, May 2011, p. 35

Oh the tearful and heartfelt pleadings I've had with my Father over the years. And they have been heard. And they have been answered. And the answers are always more than I could have imagined. This is a truth I know.

It was also apparently a truth I needed to be reminded of now. I pulled out my notes from when I was listening to Conference live and I'd marked a couple of talks as being just for me. This was not one of them, in April. It is a talk I need in June.

I'm so grateful for all the different ways we can interact with Conference. Watching it live. Reading the talks. Watching the DVDs (I put them on when I'm getting ready for Church Sunday mornings). If I didn't know better I'd swear what they say changes every time I hear the words. But I could say the same things about the scriptures changing to be exactly what I need when I open them.

Pray with faith. Pray for faith.

Bishops and being single

Last Sunday the first counselor in our bishopric was changed for the third time (meaning four first counselors) since we joined this ward a year and a half ago. The counselor being released seems like a good enough guy, but I never interacted with him really at all (nor the two previous ones). Which made me think about other bishoprics I've known.

I know who our bishop is. He knows my name. But beyond a handshake at meetings or the interviews for callings, I haven't interacted with him much at all. Which seems strange, maybe.

When I was single I KNEW my bishops. They had me in their home. I knew their families. I knew I could call them at any time day or night and they'd turn the porch light on and be there (I think that's true of all bishops and all the members of their wards, but how many of you would feel comfortable doing that? I not only felt comfortable, I did it at least once). Dinners. Interviews. Activities. My bishops were very much a part of my life.

And you know what. That's what I needed then. The priesthood was in my home through my bishops and home teachers. But I really don't need that type of relationship now. Maybe part of that change is because I'm married and I have my husband as my nearest priesthood holder.

I respect all of the bishops I have had. When I needed them to be a larger part of my life, they were. If I ever need it again I know they'll be there. But they can focus on a few people who probably need them more than I do right now.

Roxie and the Single's Ward

All three of us have had our experiences with single's/student wards and stakes. And since the LDS Church announced last week that they are doing away with the "student" designation of those units and instead designating them all as YSA (young single adult) units for all single people between the ages of 18 and 30, this seemed like a good time to talk about the different experiences we've had, because they have been different.

I actually started life in a single's ward. My dad had been in a leadership position when he got married and they asked him to stay on after he got married. So my mom married into a single's ward and I was soon on the way. Shortly after I was born they released my dad and our family moved into a family ward.

My single's ward experiences of memory mainly came during college. I went to BYU and attended the student wards the whole time I was there. For the most part they were pretty good. And while I was that age they served their purpose. My last year though I could tell I was starting to out grow them (at the ripe old age of 23). And there were a few things they were doing that really rubbed me wrong.

Yes, this is a family oriented church, and I'll have more on that at a later date. But the point of the gospel is to bring salvation to our souls, not to get everyone married as fast as possible. And the last two stakes I was in at BYU seemed to have that a little backwards.

The stake I was in the summer before my last year had a fireside for all the engaged, and prospectively engaged, couples in the stake. I didn't go, as there was something wrong with me in college that I didn't date, but my roommate went. And my roommate and her fiancé actually walked out early. In an effort to talk about how important talking and communication is in a marriage, including about sex, they had very well drawn images of the different parts of the body involved in sex that they showed everyone and talked about. Seems a little off for a Sunday evening fireside in a large group setting. Seems a little more appropriate for an individual meeting with a bishop.

After that summer I moved apartments and ended up in a different stake. This stake had a stated policy of changing which apartments met together for Monday night every month so that people would meet more people and get married faster. They also kept statistics on each ward in the stake and made graphs of how many people were attending sacrament meeting, how many were attending Sunday School, how many were doing their home and visiting teaching, and the last graph was of how many people in each ward got engaged each month. Seriously!? I was very proud to never be on that graph. And when I moved out of that apartment after graduation I also left the single's wards.

I was in a family ward for the next six years and loved it. It was a younger ward (we had nine nurseries at one point and only ever had one young man). I didn't feel at all like an outsider. I fit in. I served in several callings. Some of my best friends are from that ward. And it was because of that ward that I met the man who eventually became my husband (one of my friends in the ward set us up). It was not a single's ward that put us together. In fact, if I had been in a single's ward I'm not so sure we would have met. I actually got set up several times while I was in that ward (something about being married makes you set up your friends), comb-over guy was one of those.

When my next move, at 29, took me out of Utah, I told my mom I would give the single's wards another try. I originally said six months, she told me I had to give it a year. 52 Sundays later I was done and was back in a family ward. The single's ward felt far too much like a continuation of the Young Women's program rather than a progression, both spiritually and socially. Relief Society is supposed to help me learn how to enrich my home, not paint my nails. And you can only watch couples make-out in sacrament meeting for so long before you start to puke.

I'm not going to say that all single's wards are bad, but they are definitely different. They have their time and place and for some people they really are just what they need. Each ward is different as well. I'm just a person who would rather hear sacrament talks on more topics than just getting married and I'd rather hear testimonies about the gospel rather than about loving your roommates or how you aren't good enough for your fiancé.

The family wards I was in when I was single were wonderful wards where I felt welcome and never felt strange that I didn't have a husband. And you don't need a single's ward to get married, in fact, sometimes it works out better without them.

Personal Progress

I completed the Personal Progress program when I was a Young Woman. Actually I finished it half a life-time and two modifications of the theme ago. With the new Personal Progress book being released there has been a lot of encouragement for not-so-young women to go back and do it if they never did or do it again if they already did it. The Young Women's president in my ward recently completed it even.

Now I'm all about goals. I set many for myself. And I think a lot of the goals in Personal Progress are real good things. In fact I've even thought several times, especially when I was single and not dating much, about getting a book and going through it again. I thought that improving myself in the way that would happen by working on those goals would be very attractive (people who are metaphorically sitting on their backside twiddling their thumbs are never attractive). I would've had my friends and visiting teachers sign me off on them. The only thing is, I'm not a big jewelry person (I wear my wedding rings and that's it). So I don't want someone to feel like they have to give me the new medallion if I do it.

But still, I think I might want to do it. And since you can now keep track of all of it online, I don't even need to get a physical book. Care to join me?

I Can't Say

Once again, I'm at a loss for words on this blogging as a single girl thing. I haven't had many adventures lately, or at least I haven't had any adventures I can write about without compromising my anonymity, so this is hard.

Frankly, I have more angst about my job lately than I do about being single. Go figure.

This is one of those weeks when I feel like I have too much on my plate and don't feel like doing the things I need to do. I've had a couple of events pop up suddenly that have put a wrench in my free time (which, lately, is housework time) and things have gotten behind. Earlier today I realized that an event I'd mostly been looking forward to is now an event I don't want to think about. It's tonight, though, and it's for church, and I have hit a point of overwhelm so aggravating that the thought of dressing up, going anywhere, and being social is making me anxious. I'd much rather stay home and do laundry, sweep, vacuum, and sing along with my MP3 player.

The weird part of the anxiety and overwhelm is that I'm more naturally extraverted than Roxie and Jinxie, but there are days (weeks?) where I just can't bring myself to face society and I need to not do anything that involves anyone else. Today happens to be, unexpectedly, one of those days. See what I mean about wrenches?

I don't really feel like fielding any questions about work, or hobbies, or dating, or my family. I don't really feel like putting on mascara just to wash it off two hours later. I don't really feel like putting on nylons and heels and sitting at a table with people with whom I have little in common.

This is one of those days I'm feeling a little bit the burden of being single with no kids to talk about. It would be easier to do Relief Society things, I sometimes think, if it was easier to find common ground with the sisters in my ward.

When We're Helping, We're Happy?

Let me start off by saying that I wouldn't go back to a singles ward. Ever. MAYBE if you paid me, but it would have to be quite a sum; as in, enough to pay off my parents' house and buy my own 100 acre property in Montana with cash on the barrel head.

In any case, when I left the singles ward scene for good, I left behind three official callings: Relief Society teacher, ward organist, and choir accompanist. I was fine doing all three, even when I occasionally ended up doing all three on the same Sunday, because the ward was pretty small by Utah singles ward standards. I figured they needed someone to do it, and it was fine that it was me.

When I moved into a family ward again, I thought for sure the bishop would put me in Primary, because it seems that's what happened to so many of my single friends. He didn't, however. He actually said that he didn't want to just shunt me into Primary by default like so many bishops seemed to do, and he proceeded to call me as the ward music coordinator. I did not do a very good job in that calling, and to this day I have the urge to apologize to the other people who were involved. I eventually got released and didn't have a calling for a couple of months.

I wasn't too surprised when I got called to be a ward organist (one of two, so we always have an alternate in case something happens) again. I was glad for the chance--I like being up there playing a big instrument that intimidates so many people. I enjoy the hymns. I'm not at all concerned that people are Looking At Me (or Not). Ok, I'm concerned enough that I try to look nice, but I'm not terribly self-conscious about it.

I wasn't even too surprised when they added a second calling: Primary pianist. I guess the woman who had previously had that calling got called into Young Women and couldn't do both at the same time. This wasn't too big a deal--I'd substituted for her several times already and liked the kids. Unfortunately, because I was also a ward organist and had to stay in the chapel playing postlude music every other Sunday, I couldn't do both hours of Primary. Fortunately, they were able to call another woman to trade off with me.

This was all going rather well up until July. July, I was approached by the second counselor in the bishopric and asked to pick up a third calling. I kind of knew what was going to happen, and I had hoped for a teaching calling of some kind, but something told me it would be in music again. They couldn't have made me the conductor in Sacrament Meeting, and the Relief Society pianist had just been called. I thought, as I waited for the bomb to drop, "oh, please, not choir director."

Guess what? I'm now the choir director. And an organist, and a Primary pianist. It has been an interesting ride so far. So interesting, in fact, that when the second counselor (he's over music callings) called me several weeks ago to talk about how things were going, I blurted out, "well, you can't give me a fourth calling!" He replied, "well, yes we can! (TERROR) But we're not! (RELIEF)"

The arrangement seems to be working out (despite my trepidation toward and intimidation of leading the choir) but there are a couple of glitches: First, and less important, the other Primary pianist is going on a mission in a few months and, like I said, it seems that every other musically inclined person in a large ward is already in a demanding calling. I'm totally willing to cut postlude short and book it to Primary. I don't know how much the Primary presidency would appreciate that, but I'd give it a good shot.

Second, and more important, I sometimes feel like I'm showing off and it's the Sister Trixie One-Woman Talent Show. This last Sunday, the other organist was out of town so I played for her. I also led the choir. The two events just happened to coincide awkwardly with her being gone. Then, after Sunday School, I played for the second hour of Primary.

I hope the new members in the ward, or those who seem to have it in for me for some reason, know that I DON'T do this on purpose. I didn't ask for all these callings, but I long ago made peace with the idea that I'll probably always be doing something musical in every ward I'm in. I have a bit of musical talent but nothing profound or brilliant. I just believe that you accept the callings issued, and you don't ask to be released except in extreme circumstances. I mean, I had a stake president once who contracted cancer and didn't ask to be released--he soldiered on in pain and the faith that this was where Heavenly Father wanted him. I believe that sometimes callings are issued out of need AND out of inspiration. If this is where Heavenly Father wants me, I'll do the best I can.

I suppose, if someone doesn't like it, at least they don't have to do it.

I have faith that this is where Heavenly Father wants me to serve, and I hope I can be faithful enough that I wouldn't ask to be released...even if I had cancer.

Confession: I'm a heathen

I have a confession to make. I did not attend the Relief Society General Broadcast on Saturday. I do watch it every year, even the Young Women's broadcast. But I'll watch it on the internet at home rather than with everyone else. And now that I'm married, I watch it while my husband goes to Priesthood the following week. But back to the big reason I didn't go this year.

The big reason - it would've utterly exhausted me and I would've been wound so tight that I wouldn't have been able to enjoy it or feel the Spirit.

I'm an introvert. Large crowds of people take a lot of energy out of me. I came home from our Visiting Teaching Conference earlier this month in such a fowl mood because I'd gone straight there form work/school and I was already exhausted. And then I had to be sociable for over an hour and it was far too much for me.

Visiting teaching I'm generally okay with once the appointment starts. That's only three people total. But I much prefer a half hour appointment to an hour long one. And getting me to set up the appointments is like pulling teeth since I sincerely hate the telephone. I set up appointments with one of my sisters through emails and I love her for that.

So when our stake planned a five hour day for the broadcast, I knew immediately that it wasn't something I'd put on my calendar. They did a three hour service project where they sewed aprons for women's and children's shelters before a light dinner and then the broadcast. FIVE HOURS!!! That would have me as emotionally exhausted as I am physically exhausted at the end of a five hour marathon. Especially since it was a stake wide activity. That's just way too many people.

One nice thing about being married is that my husband acts as a buffer for me at church now (he's an introvert too, we get along great). There aren't as many random people sitting right next to me as much any more (I've never attended church to socialize). And in Relief Society I've learned that if I sit on the aisle and put my bag on the chair next to me, I still get my breathing room and can enjoy the lesson. I've always known I was not someone who needed someone to sit next to them all the time to make me feel welcome.

Thinking about that recently I finally realized why I supremely struggled with Relief Society three years ago to the point where I walked out of the lesson a few times. The new president was a huge extrovert and wanted everyone to sit right next to everyone else and be shoulder to shoulder and all hunky-dory like that. She did that by only setting up enough chairs for the number of women she counted in Sacrament meeting (meaning half the room was empty space). And that just makes me far too uncomfortable to enjoy the meeting. Throw that in with the already amazingly tough time I was having then, and it was too much for me.

So there we have it. I'm a heathen. I didn't attend the Relief Society Broadcast with my stake. And I don't attend church to socialize.

Installing lightning pole now.

Lessons from Young Women's Basketball

Go ahead and laugh. I did. My mom did too when I told her. And I'm sure HP was just suppressing a laugh when he found out. I've been called as the Young Women's Athletic Director for our ward.

Now, I am active. I am a regular runner. But there's a reason I run. It requires very little hand/foot/eye coordination. My 7th grade year I decided to really get into school and I tried out for all the sports teams. I got cut from all of them, except track. And track didn't have cuts.

And now they want me to be in charge of the basketball and volleyball for the young women in our ward. It's worth a laugh.

This week we had a basketball clinic for the girls in the stake before play starts next week. It was to help teach the basic skills of dribbling, passing, shooting, and guarding to the girls who hadn't played before or who just wanted to come learn some more. Most of the girls were between 12 and 14.

Since the stake leaders were running it, I was able to sit back and watch. I made two major observations.

Observation #1 - There are two types of church basketball players (or at least there were this week).

The first group of girls was really carefree about the whole thing. If they made a basket, great. If they didn't, oh well, that happens, just try again. Their enjoyment of the activity did not depend on how successful they were. This was the group that made the most improvement over the course of the evening.

The second group seemed to take it as a personal insult when the basket did not move so that their ball could go in. They didn't miss because it just happens. They missed because the basket had a personal grudge against them. These girls did not look to be having a lot of fun, got easily frustrated (even though they might have actually been making more baskets than the first group originally), and actually got worse as the evening went on while their frustration level grew.

I think that first group is going to be alright in life. Bad things happen to all of us, but those girls have the ability to just let it roll right off their back while they keep going.

Observation #2 - The true point of the game.

There was one senior girl there. She's played basketball and volleyball in high school. She knows what she is doing. And she was amazing. And I'm not talking about her basketball skills. I'm talking about how encouraging and helpful she was to everyone. Nobody felt bad around her. During one shooting game I watched her purposefully miss shots she could do in her sleep so she wouldn't knock any of the other girls out of the game.

Her father came and I told him his daughter had an interesting strategy. He said she really got it. And she did. She knew that the point of church sports isn't to win. It isn't even necessarily to do well. It's to get out, try something new, enjoy yourself, and be part of a team. I told him that I admired her strategy and that he'd "done good" raising her. It was absolutely beautiful to watch her out there with the other girls.

She's not just going to be alright in life. She's going to excel. Great things are on their way with her. And not because she gets church basketball. But because she gets life.

And she gets to be on my team. I can't wait to watch how it unfolds.

Accidental Flirting, the first

I have two stories of accidental flirting. You would think flirting accidentally would be kind of hard to do since most consider it a skill they do not have. Yet I've somehow managed to do it. The first was an innocent enough accident. I thought I was just being nice and friendly, he was a pervert. Okay, maybe not completely, but it was definitely wrong.

I'd just recently turned 14 (remember my age) and was attending my very first youth conference. It was a tri-stake one, so all the youth ages 14-17 from my city and the neighboring city were there for a two day event. On the first day, a Friday, we met at a national park for games and activities. I, being a rather nice person, talked to people there. One person I talked to happened to be a 21 year-old chaperon who had just returned from a mission for the church.

So we've set the scene. Me, 14, friendly chatter. Him, 21, odd social skills.

He decided I was flirting with him and started to pursue me. By the second day I was pretty freaked out by this guy. What had I done to make him think that his attention was wanted and okay? AAAhhhh!!!

Now, a seven year difference isn't necessarily a bad thing. 32 and 25 can really work out well. But when one of them is currently still two years away from even getting a license, what was he thinking?!?

The young women in my ward realized this was going on and that it was bad, and so together with the young men in my ward they made sure I was not alone for the rest of the conference. For the Saturday night dance the young men kept me out on the dance floor all night so that the chaperon never got a chance to get to me. Never saw him again.

Pretty funny story now, but seriously, what was he thinking?

There's always a catch

I'm currently seeing two different men. Count 'em, TWO! Two men who like to spend time with me, just the two of us, on multiple occasions.

But, since this is my dating life we're talking about, it's not as simple as that. At this point, I'm not channeling Phoebe Buffay and the episode where she's dating two men, and no one is making a movie about my version of the story.

Because, since this IS me we're talking about, there is always a catch.

Guy #1, Brainy Smurf, and I have now been out together three times and are planning a fourth. (Date #3) Great, right? Yes, except that that's three dates over the course of six months, the fourth at the end of the eighth month. Also, they aren't exactly dates instead of mutually agreed upon activities that happen to be planned, paired off, and paid for. Neither of us are calling the other and asking the other out.

Still, even when the opportunity to make it a group activity has presented itself, it's just the two of us. One of us, most recently him, has paid for the outing. And, we're talking in between these dates. Definitely good things.

Guy #2, Junior, and I have also been out together three times and are discussing a possible weekend trip to a nearby city (not necessarily to be with each other, but because we both want to explore it, he has friends there, and I have business there). These three dates have been nothing short of fabulous (date #1), and have occurred over the last six weeks. Great, right? Yes, except that Junior is no longer a practicing Mormon, but a declared atheist currently investigating Eastern philosophy. He's also moving away in a couple of months. Both are pretty big things, though one more than the other. Our religious differences have made for some really interesting discussion, but, while we haven't actually discussed an "us", I do think we're both hesitant to start anything because of it.

Still, dates ARE dates, and we're actually asking each other out (he asked me on the first two, I asked him on the third), and we talk in between. On our most recent date, a vendor was joking with him and said he should check with this better half, using the term a couple of times. Junior didn't correct him, though it isn't really necessary to correct shopkeepers anyway. There was also an increasing amount of flirting throughout the date.

Neither of these men have made any "moves" as it were, nor have I. It's clear that we enjoy each other's company, though not to what extent. Things don't need to be defined after three dates anyway, so I'm really quite alright with everything. Until they're defined with either of them, I don't feel so bad about keeping my options open by seeing both of them. I'm sure things will become clear when they need to be.

In the meantime, I'm going to continue enjoying my time with both Brainy Smurf and Junior.

Let me be interesting

We recently had some boundary changes in our stake that resulted in almost doubling the ward we are now in. The Relief Society scheduled an activity where people could get to know each other, a "speed friendshipping" with refreshments. It's the same idea as speed dating, but you don't get any dates out of it.

It made us talk to a lot of people within a short period of time. They provided question prompts if we needed them or we could talk about whatever we wanted. One of the questions was about hobbies and interests. I came home and told HP to make sure I'm more interesting than just kids and scrapbooking.

Now, I fully expect to be interested in my kids lives and be a part of what they do and support them in whatever interests they have. And I have nothing against scrapbooking either. But is that really all some people can say about themselves?

There are certainly exceptions, but I feel that one of the blessings of not getting married when I was 18 was that I had more than a decade to figure out who I am as an adult, to develop my life, to build interests, to even have a few interests that I'm no longer interested in. I've developed a pattern of noticing the world and being a part of what's going on around me. I read books on different subjects. I enjoy watching Nova on PBS. I keep up to date on the latest news around the world. When HP and I went out for a Valentine dinner last week, the conversation hit on so many topics I couldn't count them. I hope our dates out always involve more topics than the kids and the shopping list.

Just let me always be interesting.

Camels and dating

This year we are studying the Old Testament in Sunday School. Twelve years ago when we were studying it, the story of Abraham's servant finding Rebekah for Isaac stood out to me. It seemed so easy. The servant asks her for water, she waters the camels, and then Rebekah and Isaac get married. No game playing. No wondering if Isaac is going to call. And Isaac loves her. It all seems so easy.

At the time I remember thinking that there would come a day when I'd look back on my life, and with the perspective that hindsight gives us, I'd decide that it really was that easy finding my husband as well.

This year I have a different perspective though. As we read that same chapter it struck me that we have no idea how many women the servant asked to get him water. He could've been standing there all day asking woman after woman to get him some water at the well, before one of them, Rebekah, finally said she'd get water for the camels too. It wasn't just a matter of him walking over to the neighborhood well either, it was a long journey through the desert for him to get there.

And then of course getting water for the camels wasn't exactly a piece of cake for Rebekah. Camels drink a lot of water. And it took a lot of effort for her to get enough water for all those camels. Plus the trust and faith to leave your family and go out into the wilderness with someone.

And then there's Isaac who had enough faith, charity, and love to love the woman who became his wife. That's quite the faith they both had, their first date was their wedding, and it was a blind date.

So I think now, looking at that story, I can learn something different about dating from it than I thought I could 12 years ago. It does take a lot of asking. It takes repeatedly dropping your bucket into the well and drawing it back out again. It takes a journey, even if it's just a metaphorical one. And it takes choosing to develop a lot of faith, charity, and love.

Assumed Identity

With our marriage, HP and I are now in a new ward together at Church. We went for the first time on Sunday, and without consciously thinking about it, I did a few things related to my identity. I did introduce myself with my new last name. But I did not state that I had just gotten married. I did not want people to make the assumptions that would go along with that. I am a newlywed, but I am not a 20-year-old newlywed and all that would imply in their minds. And I am so much more than a newlywed. I know they are going to make assumptions about who I am, and mostly they will assume I am just like them, even if I am not. But if I can get them to know a few more things about me before they jump to conclusions, they might get closer to the truth of my identity.

I have been dealing with assumptions about who I am for years. People have assumed I was married and asked about my husband. People assumed I was single for all kinds of reasons. People assume I am in graduate school to pursue a completely different career path than what I could actually do with my degree. People made all kinds of assumptions about the wedding, what kind of reception we were having, where we were getting married, and many other things. People have assumed that I like certain things, that I do certain things, that I want certain things, that I need certain things.

Oddly, while I am sure that there have been times when people have made correct assumptions about me, it is only the innumerable incorrect ones I really remember. And the more incorrect they have been, the more annoying the person making the assumption is to me.

So now that my identity is changing, again (it is constantly changing), I am trying to protect the direction that it is changing. I want to be the one to shape who I am becoming not have others mold me into what they assume I am. And I think that no matter where we are in life, that is a challenge we face. How much control do we want to give others over our identity? Do we assume the identity others have created for us? Or do we continue to struggle against those assumptions and be who we are despite what everyone thinks about us? What do you do to prevent assumptions? What do you do to correct the incorrect ones?

Keeping my options open

I have gone out with several non-members in my dating career, especially since I live in an area where members are the minority. Sometimes it was because I was bored and making use of various online dating sites and sometimes it's because I'm heavily involved in the community and just naturally meet these men.

Generally, I prefer the latter, as I've been avoiding the former now for quite a while. Regardless, dating non-members is something I'm open to. Trixie recently explained that for some, dating non-members is giving up. Erin commented, saying that love and compatibility are the important thing.

In my experience, it can be either.

The times I have trolled online dating sites, it really was because I was bored and giving up. No on else was paying attention to me, so maybe I'd find someone in the ether of the interwebs. I even used Craigslist personals. These were not my finer moments. I did get some dates, met some interesting people, but they all ended after a date or two. While online dating may work for some people, it doesn't work for me, and I've gotten it out of my system.

When I met these non-member men the way you should, by working with them on something and/or becoming friends and then maybe something more, I went out with them because they were genuinely good men. Regardless of their religious affiliation, we shared interests and moral values and we wanted to get to know each other better. If I date a non-member now, this is how it started.

It can be argued that dating non-members is better than dating members. They don't always have the same societal pressures to date and marry we do, so they aren't as weird about it. They aren't inundated with the same amount of gorgeous, spiritually minded, good girls that members are, especially those in singles wards, so they are more impressed with us, and act like it.

That's not why I'm willing to do it. I don't do it because I'm giving up. I do it because I'm leaving my options open. It is possible that I'm doing some "conflirting" or "flirt to convert" and hoping that whoever I'm dating will join the Church, but I'm not obstinate about it. I'm clear about how important it is to me, but as long as they respect my beliefs, and their beliefs do not contradict mine, I'll respect theirs. Perhaps their involvement with me will be their introduction to the Church, and I want to be the best example of a loving, inclusive daughter of God that I can be. I won't reject a good, responsible man immediately just because he isn't a member of my Church.

I'm not saying Trixie is wrong (and she knows this) for choosing to not date non-LDS men. I just know that if I had this same attitude, I would have missed out on getting to know some of my best friends. JT isn't LDS. The people I consider my local "family" aren't LDS. Most of my local colleagues aren't either. It's only natural that some of the men I go out with won't be.

I do want and plan to be married in the temple. I intend to continue my activity in the Church and temple attendance. I want my husband to be there with me. I already involve Heavenly Father in my dating life and try to follow the promptings of the Spirit as I make various decisions about who to date. I don't know Heavenly Father's specific plan for me, but I trust Him. If I find myself falling in love with a non-member and I feel His approval, I'll go with it. I've seen those success stories where it works. They have a happy family and sometimes the non-member half of the couple does eventually join the Church. If that's what the Lord has in store for me, who am I to ignore that?

Being sealed in the temple does not guarantee a perfect marriage. There is no such thing. It would be a challenge to date and marry someone who doesn't have my exact same beliefs, but I'd rather be in a good, loving marriage with someone who isn't LDS than a failing, loveless marriage with someone who is.

More than words

I've been trying for a while to figure out what I wanted to say today. I knew I'd be writing today after having come back from my wedding and I should probably summarize the week. But I really don't know how. I could sit down and give the chronological story of what happened. But that wouldn't give you a good view of what it was.

The weekend was a wonderful time of family and friends and smiles and good food and music and beauty and peace. Sure there were one or two things that didn't go as planned at first and had to be fixed, but very few people even knew about those things. There was a moment of panic when we couldn't find my bag with my temple clothes and one of the three papers we needed to get married. Turns out it had been in my parents' car and my mom had grabbed it to be helpful, not thinking I'd panic in the parking lot. But everything else went real smoothly. Even the insane snow storm didn't really cause too much of a problem.

The whole time we'd said that as long as we were married at the end of the day, everything was okay. We said it long enough that it really was true. And at the end of the day we were married. And the peace of it was palpable. And I don't know how to put that in to words.

For now, I'll just say that my favorite thing is that we now say, "good night," instead of, "good-bye."

Without Representation

While Trixie and Roxie have moved on to family wards, I'm still in a singles ward, one of two in my stake. Despite the fact that we make up 20% of the membership of the stake, I don't think they really know what to do with us.

I actually like singles wards, most of the time. I tend to approach them on my terms - not overwhelming myself with trying to attend everything and please everyone, not stressing out about being popular, and remembering to focus on why I'm really attending church.

That said, I recently participated in a stake activity in which each ward was asked to contribute a certain portion of the evening, and I was in charge of my ward's contribution. At the activity, those of us involved from my ward quickly realized we hadn't been given all the guidelines, and would, therefore, stick out from everyone else. When we approached the organizer, she said "Every ward was given the information. At least you have something. You didn't have anything last year."

Of course, it could have happened to any ward, and there were four that didn't participate at all. Unfortunately, considering her response and that our contribution was not exactly well received, being so "out there" from everyone else, it really felt like she and everyone else were saying "Well, that's the singles ward, they do things differently." In talking to the friends I'd worked with on this, who were also embarrassed, I'm not the only one who felt that way.

I also discovered recently that we don't really have representation on the stake level. I understand not having anyone in certain priesthood offices, as those men are generally older, but we don't really even have anyone involved in any of the auxiliaries like the Activities Committee or Relief Society. I think someone from the other singles ward was recently called to the Primary, so I guess that's someone, but it doesn't really have any affect on any other single than her.

While we don't want to be treated differently than any other adult and what should work for the married adults should work for us, I still think it would be good to have representation on stake committees from every ward, even to just as a liason for things like non-Priesthood activities. The bishop does have authority and responsibility for our ward, but he's a busy man and can't be expected to remember to filter every piece of information from every committee to every person who needs to know about it. That's why there is delegation and counselors and auxiliary presidents and committee chairs/members.

In a previous stake, during a reorganization, my ward, the singles ward, was moved to a new building and the latest start time in the stake, because we were the singles. Ranting about it in another online forum, a married woman (who doesn't belong to that stake and whom I don't know) actually confirmed it by saying we have the crappy time because we don't have kids. It sounded like a punishment, the way she put it. Yes, kids wouldn't fare so well with late church. They have nap times and schedules. But, so do adults. The most faithful, I would hope, would attend at any time, because it's being there that's imporant. Unfortunately, our attendance actually dropped until the stake gave in and changed our start time to earlier.

It sometimes feels like stake leadership doesn't know what to do with singles wards, but I hope I'm wrong. I don't know. I'm mostly just ranting at this point. As has been discussed ad nauseum, here and elsewhere, being a single adult in a Church so focused on marriage and family is a strange experience.