Apathetic directionless waiters

I had some friends back when, who thought they could set me up on dates because they had the perfect guy for me. We were both LDS and both single, how much more compatibility do you need!

By this point in my life I had done a few things, like graduate from college, start a career, serve a mission, work in a foreign country. My life had a direction and I was actively pursuing life.

I remember one of those blind dates that went pretty much like this Dilbert date. The guy really had no long term plans. Choking to death on an olive while clinging to failure in a fabric covered cubicle wasn't outside the realm of items on his "five year plan" at that point.

And it wasn't attractive.

I wasn't judging him because he was still in college, but by the fact that he had no idea why he was in college or really what he was going to do after. Have a dream for crying out loud!

One song that I refuse to listen to is John Mayer's "Waiting on the World to Change." To me that song symbolizes the apparent apathetic approach to life that far too many people have today. You don't wait for the world to change, you go out and make it happen, in whatever way you can. Apathetic directionless waiters are not attractive dates and make for boring dinner conversation.

Player

In a fit of boredom, desperation, and curiosity, I joined a couple of online dating sites. One free, one paid. Both have slightly different concepts in how they go about matching people up, and I thought I'd give it a whirl.

Ho-boy.

Short version: I have three first and one second date this coming weekend AND another man I'm texting almost all day every day.

Did you count that? Four dates and five suitors? Who AM I?

Long version: I don't even know where to start. I sent out a handful of little nudges to a few guys I thought were attractive and received a few in return. Many of mine were ignored, and I ignored a few sent my way as well, but then a few turned into actual conversation. And then actual date invitations. I was headed out of town for work almost immediately, so I had to postpone all but one first meeting until after I got back.

I didn't even expect that first first date with The Pollock (he's really of Polish descent), to go as well as it did, but it did. Not only did the date itself go well, but we continued to text each other for the next two hours after we went our separate ways. Knowing we were both out of town and busy meant we didn't talk much over the next week or so, but once I had returned I, as promised, called him to schedule another date and he returned the call last night. Yes, I know I called first, but all other communication to this point had been initiated by him.

We talked on the phone for over 30 minutes, and I don't even like talking on the phone. I wanted him to get to the making plans for the weekend point sooner, but he didn't and that's okay. He called as soon as he could (work has been crazy and he's on total outside world lockdown when he's there, thank you top secret government work) and it was fun to hear from him. We should be seeing each other again this Saturday night.

Then there's The Wordsmith. We've been emailing and playing WordFeud (a smartphone version of Scrabble) and looking forward to our first dinner for a couple of weeks. He's made an effort to keep getting to know me while I've been away, and I'm impressed. Initially, I thought he was going to win over The Pollock, but now I don't know. I'll evaluate after our date on Friday.

I also have dates Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon. These guys don't get nicknames yet because I've hardly talked to them since arranging our plans and I don't anticipate them making the cut. I also had a date this last Monday evening. It was a fun activity (pub trivia), but the date itself fizzled. Oh well.

Oh! And there's the guy I was just starting to get to know and then ran into at a social event on a date with another girl! It was actually the girl I was talking to first because she came over to compliment my dress, then her date came back from wherever he was. "You look like this guy I've been talking to online." "What's his name?" "{Insert screen name here}" "[Laughs.] I thought you looked familiar too." And now his date and I are Facebook friends and I don't know if either of us have heard from him again. I certainly haven't.

I haven't even made an effort on these sites for almost two weeks, because I cannot keep this pace up! There are a couple guys I'm talking to and haven't made plans with yet, but after these other guys I'm actually meeting, the conversation already seems forced and I don't want to waste anyone's time.

And! Two guys whose radars I thought I'd fallen off months ago are starting to creep back into my life. I'm not anticipating anything actually happening there, but it's still more dudes to keep track of!

Part of this little experiment was definitely because I was striking out in my normal circle - the guys I meet through my Mormon circle. Too much drama, not enough dates.

Then suddenly last Thursday, I sent a flirty tweet to a single, Mormon guy I know solely on Twitter - because, well, why not? And, unlike the last time I tried flirting with him, he actually responded. We quickly moved the conversation to direct (private) messages and, by the end of the day, had exchanged phone numbers and moved the conversation to text messages.

And we haven't stopped.

For the first few days I was hesitant and thought to myself "Wow, dude, slow down. Don't force this.", but I'm starting to change my tune. We have a LOT in common and plenty to talk about. John Denver, as he shall be known, is clearly smitten with me and has actually said that - I'm not just inferring here. So, not only do we enjoy many of the same things, he's open and communicative about his feelings in general and his feelings for me specifically and often, something I've been saying for a long time will be a characteristic of my husband. After too many "does he or doesn't he" scenarios, I need someone I don't doubt really cares for me.

John Denver is many of the things I'm looking for, but I'm still hesitant. 1 - It's only been a week. 2 - I have, at least for now, a few other guys in the lineup (I cannot stress enough how much this has NEVER happened for me). 3 - I still don't know what he looks or sounds like. I know what he used to look like, but he's apparently lost a LOT of weight since then (which is good, because he was severely overweight, something I'm not attracted to) and has no recent pictures to share. What he sounds like is important too, for a variety of reasons. Maybe it's shallow, but physical attraction is important too.

Chances are very good right now that all these relationships will naturally play out and all but one will end soon enough that I don't even have to tell them I'm considering so many others. And chances are good that the things I'm worried about with John Denver specifically will be answered quickly.

Obviously, there's lots to evaluate about each of these men and they still have plenty to learn about me. It's just so flattering AND overwhelming that all of them have shown up at once. I hardly have time for one relationship, not to mention five!

I'm willing to give it a shot though, and I will certainly keep you all posted!

You're sweet and all...

...But please don't set me up with anyone. This is a universal statement to everyone in my world right now: Please Don't Set Me Up With Anyone. Period.

I'm not quite sure why I'm balking at this so hard all of a sudden. Maybe it's because the last time someone offered to set me up I freaked out a little. Another friend just asked what my dating range was, and I almost told her to shut up and leave me alone. I just can't do it right now. At all. The mere THOUGHT of going on a blind date makes me almost gag or cry.

As Jinxie and Roxie have said, just because you're both single doesn't mean you actually have anything in common, and I'm tired of people assuming things about my personality. I'm tired of thinking about dating. I just want to be left alone to live my life, do my job, enjoy my hobbies, and help my family (there's a confession coming about helping my family, but I'm not sure just yet if I should talk about it here or not) without worrying about living up to some standard on a blind date.

So, please. If you want me to meet someone, invite me over for dinner or a game night or a movie with other friends and don't you DARE call it a set-up or a blind date. Just let me get to know people on my own terms.

And, please, as shallow as this is, don't even suggest anyone who is shorter than me. It will just be awkward for both of us.

I Have Found My Limit

The other day, as I was shopping for jeans (an impossible task), I got a call from an older friend of mine. She had approached me weeks ago about the possibility of being set up by her and I had said that I was open to it. Mostly. When most people offer to set me up, they don't realize exactly how old I am; I have caught several off-guard when I say with forthrightness that I am almost 36 because I am invariably mistaken for being much younger. Many people are thinking of their sons or nephews or friends who are in their mid-twenties when they offer to set me up. It's kind of funny and a little endearing that they think I'm still 25. In any case, this sweet friend called and told me about an unattached man in her ward who has three boys. As she was telling me about him, I thought, "Ok, this could work, I've been out with guys with young kids before, no big deal." She kept talking, though, and I could feel my willingness just shut down completely when she said, "He's 49 and his oldest son is 17 and lives with his ex-wife."

Turns out I have really found my official age and situation limit. 49 is just too old for me right now, and a 17-year-old son is too much. Give me five years, though, and it might all be fine, but not now. Not at all. I have to break it to her gently and kindly and gratefully, and I always hate doing that because I DO feel bad.

Camels and dating

This year we are studying the Old Testament in Sunday School. Twelve years ago when we were studying it, the story of Abraham's servant finding Rebekah for Isaac stood out to me. It seemed so easy. The servant asks her for water, she waters the camels, and then Rebekah and Isaac get married. No game playing. No wondering if Isaac is going to call. And Isaac loves her. It all seems so easy.

At the time I remember thinking that there would come a day when I'd look back on my life, and with the perspective that hindsight gives us, I'd decide that it really was that easy finding my husband as well.

This year I have a different perspective though. As we read that same chapter it struck me that we have no idea how many women the servant asked to get him water. He could've been standing there all day asking woman after woman to get him some water at the well, before one of them, Rebekah, finally said she'd get water for the camels too. It wasn't just a matter of him walking over to the neighborhood well either, it was a long journey through the desert for him to get there.

And then of course getting water for the camels wasn't exactly a piece of cake for Rebekah. Camels drink a lot of water. And it took a lot of effort for her to get enough water for all those camels. Plus the trust and faith to leave your family and go out into the wilderness with someone.

And then there's Isaac who had enough faith, charity, and love to love the woman who became his wife. That's quite the faith they both had, their first date was their wedding, and it was a blind date.

So I think now, looking at that story, I can learn something different about dating from it than I thought I could 12 years ago. It does take a lot of asking. It takes repeatedly dropping your bucket into the well and drawing it back out again. It takes a journey, even if it's just a metaphorical one. And it takes choosing to develop a lot of faith, charity, and love.

The year I was 0 for 4 first dates.

Remember that topic Jinxie suggested? The one that got replaced by this post? Turns out I remembered what I was originally going to write about that day, and here it is!

Last year (2008) I had the opportunity to go on four dates. I don't date very much at all, you see, and I never really have, so last year was interesting. Three of the four dates were blind dates set up by well-meaning friends, and not one of them was really worth a second date for me. Nice enough men, but too many things that didn't gel, and that's ok. I don't think I'll write about them, because I do not want to be unkind in any way, real or imagined. Let's just say that I'm glad there was only one date from each of them (even though I actually dropped the ball with the nicest of them, which is a shame). :)

The fourth date was with a friend of a friend. (Do you know how hard it is to come up with code names for people that aren't so specific I'll give myself away, but that aren't so vague that I forget who they are...?) Q is a dear friend of mine and is very talented in many ways. He invited me to join him and some friends for a movie night in September 2008. I showed up to the basement apartment (a hazard of living in an area with two universities within 12 miles of each other) and realized I was the only girl there. This was not a new situation to me--I went for several years being the token female in a couple of apartments, which is always fun and a little unnerving. What was new was the company. Besides Q, I didn't really know anyone there except Reed, who I had met the previous month at another party. I ended up on the couch between Reed and Q and started gently flirting with Reed, joking and making him laugh. Eventually we walked over to Reed's house for pizza and another movie, and he found out that I'd never seen "Firefly". At the end of the night, he suggested getting together sometime to watch it together and I heartily agreed.

A couple of weeks later, he got in touch with me about his proposed date, and we made plans to meet at his house and get some Indian take-out. While our meal was being prepared, we walked around, enjoying the mild weather and some fun little shops down the street from the restaurant. He seemed to like watching my interest in the silly things I'm interested in, and listened with patience and, I think, some enjoyment, to me talk about something important to me. Our food smelled WONDERFUL in the car on the way to his apartment and tasted even better when we got settled in front of the TV. I really enjoyed talking to him and listening to the things he was passionate about, and "Firefly" totally delighted me. At one point, I put my head on his shoulder and he played a little with my hair. It was such a great date, even though I'd had a tiny eye infection from my contacts and couldn't wear any makeup OR my contacts, so I felt a little homely.

He hugged me goodbye and we made tentative plans to get together to watch the rest of the series soon. I drove home smiling--I'd finally gone out with someone attractive to me who had enough similar interests to keep the conversation from lagging or getting awkward. He didn't think my opinions were too strange or too strong. I loved listening to him talk about what he wanted to do with his life. I really looked forward to our next date.

Well, the next date never happened. I ran into him at an event a couple of weeks later and found out he was dating someone else. I was a little disappointed, but I focused on how great our only date had been and realized that, even though things didn't happen the way I wanted them to, it was still great. When I found out he and his girlfriend had broken up, I was sad for both of them.

I don't think I'll ever go out with him again, but I know that whenever I see him, I can be friendly and kind with no bitterness about what might have been. That's a great feeling to have! Here's to more dates like that, and here's hoping at least one of them turns into something a little more significant! After all, it's been a long time since I was kissed... ;)

Some back story

Having now posted how the next volume in the story of HP and I got started, I should probably tell some of the back story.

HP and I are an internet meeting gone very very right. We met through a friend of mine on an internet dating site and started sending messages back and forth every few days. Within a few weeks we'd moved on to hours of instant messaging every night. In just over a month I'd invited him up to where I was living so we could meet. He came and we had quite the first date, three days long. We went to a museum. We went to a musical. We went to dinner. We met friends and family we both had in the area. And we had our first kiss.

We saw each other a few times that year and continued to talk almost nightly.

But distance is hard, and so after a year of that things slowed down. We still kept in contact, but the frequency was much less.

About two years after we met though, I had a career change that brought me to where he lives. Being in the same city helped us pick up a bit where we left off. We saw each other more and interacted more. Our friendship grew and we started seeing each other rather regularly. In January of this year we decided that we were in fact officially dating with a capital D.

We just really fit. I couldn't have imagined someone more perfect for me. And I also couldn't have imagined meeting someone the way I did.

The importance of conversation.

Time for another bad date story.

For a time I was semi-active on an online dating site, although most people deluded themselves into thinking it was a networking site. It isn't. It's a dating site.

One guy I started messaging seemed real interesting. He'd had some adventures in his life and wasn't as weird as some of the other guys I'd talked to. We decided meeting might not be a bad idea since we lived relatively close to each other (different suburbs of the same area).

I'm a woman. So that means in this scenario he should generally be the one to suggest the activity and set it up. He understood that much, kind of. His idea of inviting me on a date was to send me an email 3-4 hours before the start of the activity.

This failed many times. For several reasons.

1. While I check my email frequently, the odds of me checking it within the time before the activity isn't good.
2. I have a life. I do not sit at home eating popcorn every night, not planning things, just in case some guy calls me at 6 to see if we can get together at 7. (Exception, Boyfriend does this now, but it's totally expected. There are certain nights during the week that we just get together on. So I expect him to call when he gets home from work and then we figure out what we both still have to do that evening and work out when we can get together. But this is not how we started dating. This only works because of where we are at in our relationship now.)
3. If he can't figure out how to ask a girl on a date, what else doesn't he know how to do?

So after doing this for a few weeks and it NEVER working out, and him not getting the idea that asking in advance means more advance than travel time, I decided to set the example.

A local theater was performing "Steel Magnolias" and I wanted to see it. So I invited him to meet me at the theater in a week and we could see the show together.

Good date etiquette:

1. I set it up several days in advance.
2. I had a plan!

He seemed nice enough, but we just couldn't get a conversation going before the show. It would start, but then he'd just stop, like he'd said everything he needed to say. The same during intermission.

After the show we went to the local eatery for some food. Again, the guy could not carry a conversation to save his life! One of us would start a topic, and after just a few minutes he'd just stop. He could talk about a lot of things, but only for a few minutes. It was exhausting! I like to talk, but it has to be an equal balance. I'm not one of those people who can carry the whole conversation on my own. It was bad.

The local junior high was having a dance that night, and many of the students had come to the same eatery after the dance. I was an elementary teacher at the time and knew a lot of them. It's always fun for me to watch my students see me when I'm not at school. I think in some part of their minds they really do think teachers live at school.

He and I went back to the theater so I could get my car, and that was it for the evening.

I didn't hear from him again for a couple of months. And then it was another invite to do something in a couple of hours. By that time I'd moved states. Poor guy. It looks like he never learned.

The highlights of the date for me:

1. The show was amazing! I'd seen the movie before, and the movie pulls on your heart. But it's nothing like the live play. And the playwrite wrote it based on the lives of his mom and sister and the women in his town.
2. Seeing my former students at the eatery. Always fun!
3. Driving home and thinking about telling the Boyfriend (who was just a friend at that point) about it. He liked hearing about all of my bad dates.

And you know it's a bad date when they guy you are on the date with doesn't even make the top three highlights of the evening.

The story of Comb-Over Guy

Story time! We now get to take a trip down memory lane as I regale you with stories of past bad dates. Not surprisingly, most of them will be blind dates. But that does not mean that all blind dates I've been on where bad. Two of them turned out real well. You could even describe the boyfriend as having been a blind date at one point. But that's not the topic of this story.

This story will be about a date I went on with a guy that has ever after been referred to as "Comb-Over Guy" (he will be called COG for this post because I don't want to type that out every time).

This date was set up by a couple in my ward. The husband went to school with COG. They were studying to be computer scientists. I worked with computers for my job. And since both COG and I liked computers, were single, and belonged to the same church, the wife decided that COG and I would be perfect together. While this is slightly better than some people's requirements for setting up friends (same marital status, same religion), the wife did break one BIG blind date rule - I get to decide if we are perfect together, not the people setting me up.

But the date was arranged. The date would involve married couple 1 (that did the setting up), married couple 2 (the husband also knew COG, and the couple was in the same ward as couple 1 and I), myself, and COG. We went to dinner at a restaurant and then to a movie before going to the apartment of couple 2 for dessert.

The events themselves were not bad. But I had to constantly remind myself that I was on a date with COG and should probably look at him. Which then resulted in me having to remind myself that staring was not polite. I was also constantly reminding myself that since I was on a date with him I should probably talk with him.

COG was not a bad person, and other than the physical characteristic that resulted in his pseudonym, he wasn't bad looking either. But there was absolutely NO connection between us. If you have to remind yourself you are on a date with someone, the date is NOT going well.

After the date he took me home and we said good-night. I did not say we should do it again, but rather that I'd had a nice time and said thank you. If there was any touching in the good-night saying, it would've been a simple hand shake, but I can't remember that. I honestly didn't expect to hear from him again. Surely he must have noticed how extremely awkward the date was.

Nope. He called me up a week later to ask me to go ice skating with him. I told him that since I was still recovering from a sprained ankle from three weeks ago, ice skating was not possible, but thanked him for the invite all the same. I never heard from him again.

Wife from coupel 1 though got extremely mad at me for how rude I was to not go on a second date with COG. I never did understand that.

The end.

A-freaking-MEN

First, I will admit that sometimes I have a penchant for the bad boy. There's just something, perhaps their raw animal magnetism, that gets me. But I know they aren't for keeps. And now, research proves it.

Second, and most importantly: One morning, I was on the train with a blind date. We were headed into the city to do some sight-seeing for our date and chatting about who knows what. Somehow, the subject of porn came up. Now, I've seen, first hand, how it can mess with relationships of every kind, and I do not care for it one bit. So, when my date replied to whatever I'd said with "I love porn!!", I was floored. Why I didn't stand my ground, get off the train at the next stop, and go right back home, I'll never know. That was at least the second strike to what turned out to be a rather tortuous date.

So, today, when the Art of Manliness posted this - The Problem with Porn - it says exactly what I've been saying for years. Read it. Share it. It's EXACTLY how I feel.

Of course, it's rather impossible for people to have never seen it these days, and it's not an immediate dealbreaker (there were other reasons I should have gotten off the train that day), but I do not like it, Sam I Am. Not on a train, not in the rain, not in a box, not with a fox. And I won't apologize for it.

Being set up

There's a tendency to set people up for three reasons: They're both older, single, and LDS. Surely you'll be perfect for each other!

Wrong.

I don't actually mind a set up being orchestrated if I already know the person, at least peripherally, or if the person doing the setting up can think of a few things we both have common aside from the norm.

Luckily, my friends and family haven't done a lot of setting up for me, yet.

In November, one of my friends asked if he could set me up with someone. I badgered him with questions about the guy and why he thought we'd get along.

Basically, we were the same age, LDS, single, and he's a nice guy.

Super! Cue the eye rolling.

Then I weaseled some more information out of him. Apparently, they'd already tried to set him up with another of our mutual friends, but she took him on two rather uncomfortable dates and then avoided him completely. Somehow, word even got back to him that she hated him.

Basically, when this friend and our other friends were discussing who they could set him up with that wouldn't be so deceptive, my name came up.

That's it. The reason they picked me. No pressure or anything.

I did a little research, mostly on Facebook. He works a retail job, hasn't finished college yet, and I didn't find him particularly attractive physically.

Still, I said yes, my friend could give his guy my number.

Within an hour he texted me.

And so far, seven weeks later, that's still all we've done. He hasn't called me at all, nor has he asked me out for anything specific. I think I've gotten at least one "Can we do something sometime?", which is way too vague for the busy life I lead.

I actually didn't realize all this until Mutual Friend asked if we'd gone out yet last night. I didn't even realize that it had started way back in mid-November until I looked up the conversation in preparation for this post.

When I admitted to Mutual Friend that we'd only texted and that he hadn't actually even asked me out yet, though that it could be due, in part, to me being away for a week, Mutual Friend was appalled. Then, when he asked if I enjoyed the text conversations, I apparently automatically grimaced, which I was called on.

I explained that it was just small talk, and added to the fact that it had been so long, he was losing points. Luckily, when he asked if I'd seen his recent pictures on Facebook from a Christmas party I'd missed, the subject changed to what was happening in the picture, and I didn't have to go any further.

The longer this drags on, the more I don't really want to go, but because of the reason I was chosen, I'm afraid of what everyone will think if I end up not liking him.

Then again, I might actually like him. Guess I'll find out. Eventually.