What to wear?

There is a part of the wedding day that pretty much nobody talks about. There's a whole industry to sell brides something to wear after they take off their wedding dress, but what about the groom? Is it because I wasn't a groom that I didn't see any of that industry? Except there really isn't an industry to tell grooms anything but, "show up and keep the bride happy" for weddings. Which is a whole other topic.

Before we got married, we actually compared preferences in women's stuff, which led me to ask him what he was going to wear that night, because it suddenly occurred to me that nobody ever talks about that. I won't say what his hilarious suggestion was or what he actually ended up with. But you'd think there would be more discussion about some kind of transition between wedding day and wedding night for all parties involved.

Apathetic directionless waiters

I had some friends back when, who thought they could set me up on dates because they had the perfect guy for me. We were both LDS and both single, how much more compatibility do you need!

By this point in my life I had done a few things, like graduate from college, start a career, serve a mission, work in a foreign country. My life had a direction and I was actively pursuing life.

I remember one of those blind dates that went pretty much like this Dilbert date. The guy really had no long term plans. Choking to death on an olive while clinging to failure in a fabric covered cubicle wasn't outside the realm of items on his "five year plan" at that point.

And it wasn't attractive.

I wasn't judging him because he was still in college, but by the fact that he had no idea why he was in college or really what he was going to do after. Have a dream for crying out loud!

One song that I refuse to listen to is John Mayer's "Waiting on the World to Change." To me that song symbolizes the apparent apathetic approach to life that far too many people have today. You don't wait for the world to change, you go out and make it happen, in whatever way you can. Apathetic directionless waiters are not attractive dates and make for boring dinner conversation.

"I can't believe you don't shut up!"

The title of this post is one of my favorite Simpsons quotes ever from Apu Nahasapeemapetilon and one that frequently goes through my head, as, no doubt, it does for so many other people.

The other night I was at a gathering with some friends and acquaintances, and there came a moment when that phrase went SCREAMING through my head. I ended up sitting by Doug (name has, of course, been changed) because I got there late and these things happen to me. I've given this man the benefit of the doubt in the past because he's been through a tough time recently. I understand that and have been willing to find a way to talk with him and disguise or suppress my irritation with his personality enough to listen when he needs to talk. I do try my best, but I wanted to throw something at him most of the night. As I walked into my house, I said aloud, "thank GOODNESS that wasn't a date. I'd never go out with him again after that." Oh, it was awful.

Now, I don't mind if people are better at something than me. That happens. What bothers me is when people have to top everyone else in the room. I have played my share of oneupsmanship, much to my chagrin, but I do my best to avoid it myself (I have made vast improvements because I don't want to turn into a Diane or a Doug), and dislike that streak in others. Especially when they have to be better at EVERYTHING I do, especially when I've put years, sometimes decades, into developing a talent or learning a skill. I appreciate different viewpoints, too. I find them valuable and enjoy good conversation where both parties learn something. I've learned that I don't know as much as I think I do and I enjoy a challenge and a different perspective. There are very few cases in which I insist on being totally right, and they are usually cases in which I AM totally right because I have done the research and study and paid my dues. However, I really try to be kind and sensitive instead of defensive and combative (that's a lot of "ives") and I find that people actually want to talk to me and value my opinion if I value theirs! I also find that I don't have to speak loudly to whomever happens to be within earshot in order to be heard or liked.

Read that paragraph again, and imagine being stuck at a table next to someone who does all the bad things. ALL of them. Not to mention being a sloppy eater and having a seeming disregard for personal hygiene habits like shaving* or trimming his fingernails. At one point, even though the people around him were in different conversations and not talking to him anymore, he kept talking, just waiting for someone to come close to making eye contact. It was so hard to smile and be polite when all I wanted to do was say "hey, you're not that smart. You don't know as much as you think you do. You've never done military service/craft/job/education and no one really appreciates an armchair coach. Knock it off." I don't know if I should be proud of it, but I did manage to get a subtle dig in when I mentioned (in the course of a conversation with much pleasanter people) how my degree taught me that I don't know as much as I think I do and that other people's viewpoints and experiences are just as valuable as mine even if I can't relate.

Let this be a lesson: If you are constantly trying to prove how much better you are than others, if you can't accept someone else's opinion for what it is, if you dismiss someone's education and training, if you talk just to hear yourself use your AP English vocabulary words from 20 years ago, if you can't bear the thought that someone might just be better than you at something, and if you can't be bothered with social niceties like not interrupting, it's time to take a good, hard look at yourself (man OR woman!) and figure out why no one wants to date you. And then, just maybe, be willing to change if change is needed. I mean, sure, maybe there's someone out there who will jump you if you're like that, but there are no guarantees and if it hasn't happened yet, it's not likely to. Get over yourself and learn to maneuver in society with a little more grace and courtesy.

*I don't mind facial hair or stubble, but when a man admits that he's too lazy to shave more than once a week, I have a problem with that. Especially when such a man would be grossed out by the mere suggestion of stubble on a woman's ankles or, heaven forbid! her underarms. Doug seems like that kind of guy and it makes me want to scream. Long fingernails on a man quite literally nauseate me, even though I understand that classical guitarists and the like need to keep them longish in order to play their instruments. Growing them out to be weird or because you're plain lazy is NOT attractive in any way.

Indicator of Interest

When you meet someone, how do you know they're into you? How do you know they're willing for you to move to the next step?

You look for the clues, verbal/nonverbal and conscious/subconscious, that the other person is saying "Hey, you're okay by me."

That, my friends, is what we call an indicator of interest, or an IOI.

IOIs get easier to read the longer you know a person and the further into a relationship you get, but they also get easier to read if you know what to look for. They are often very subtle, or at least they seem to be until you get the hang of it.

Everyone has their own IOI style, so the invitation to make the initial approach can be the absolute hardest to spot. Here initial approach can mean physically (e.g. the "come hither" look) or as part of a conversation, giving permission to get a phone number or ask on a date.

I can't speak for the men, since I am not obviously not one, but here's a few things they can look for from us as we indicate interest.

Maintaining eye contact - This a big one from me, since I'm a people watcher. I'm mostly looking at you, that's a very good sign.

Physical contact - Arm touching, hand on the knee, a non-sexual touch while we're talking, no matter if it's as I'm making a point, as a reassuring gesture, or even not, I don't touch people I don't at least like.

Offering my name - This is a big one. My name is very important to me, and if I'm giving it to you before you ask for it, it means I want to trust you with it. I am most definitely thinking "I think this is going well."

Maintaining an open body position - If I'm sitting down, my legs are almost always crossed, but if my arms are not folded and instead are lightly placed on my lap - I'm into you. I may even try to point my body in your direction. If we're standing or walking, the closer I am to you, the more into you I am. I may even so much as switch my purse to the side you aren't on, so that my hand is available for you to hold (during a date, not a first conversation, obviously). I once spent an entire date with my arms crossed as we walked around for close to a couple of miles as we played tourist in our city. I was NOT into him at all. If it's the first conversation, and we're standing, the more open my arms are, the better. Again, arm-folding is not as good as one hand fiddling with my necklace and the other just loosely hanging to my side.

Smiling and laughing - Even if you're not the next Brian Regan, a smile is always good and a laugh is better, especially if it's particularly hearty. And if I catch your eye across the room and smile? Also very good.

So, there you have it, a few of the things I know I do when I'm trying to send the "I like you enough to move forward" message. Good luck!

Ladies, anything I'm missing?

Let's be adults about this.

Just a few thoughts I've been working on for the past couple of days. I'll elaborate later.

1. If you are over 25 and don't live in a place with excellent public transit, perhaps you should invest in a car.
2. If you are over 25 and have finished school, perhaps you should try really hard to find a full-time job.
3. If you are over 25 and your friends have finished school and have full-time jobs, perhaps you should remember that and not expect them to be free to play when you are.
4. If you are over 25 and looking for a wife, perhaps you should not expect your dates to pay for everything because you're between gigs.

The Art of Manliness does it again

It's a really good thing that The Art of Manliness has a bigger readership, particularly male, than we do. That way I know that quite a few men saw the latest post by these fine gentlemen - Road Map to the Perfect First Date.

Yes, please. I would love a first date like that. It's cool, collected, respectful, but not over the top, everything a first date should be.

Unfortunately, in today's dating world, too many woman might not appreciate that kind of chivalry, finding it outdated and absurd. Still, let it be known that are women who would.

I am one of them.

Do I look okay?

I think I'm attractive. Physically. I'm not drop dead super model gorgeous, but I am pretty. I have some natural good looks and I know how to enhance them with makeup, clothes, and well-coifed hair. This doesn't mean I look perfect every time I leave the house, but I usually try to at least make an effort. I do tend make more of an effort if I know I'm going to around single men I would want to attract.

Great, right?

Not so much. I can't remember the last time a young, single man complimented me on my looks. I know it's happened, but it's been far too long. Of course, it concerns me. Have I gained too much weight? Am I not wearing enough makeup? Am I just not pretty? It's unnecessary to worry, but I still do.

So I have to rely on other sources of compliments to remind me that I do look good. My parents say it, but there's always that grain of salt I take that with, since they're my parents - they have to say that. Sometimes my girlfriends tell me, even unsolicited at times, and that is helpful, as they are not required to say anything.

Additionally, there are the married guy friends I know, the guys in my life who aren't morons because they are in successful relationships and know how to treat a woman right. Just the other day, one such friend was squeezing past me and said "Pardon me, gorgeous." I didn't even register what he said until he was out of earshot for thanks and had to confirm with the woman next to me that I had indeed heard that. I'm just not used to hearing it and wasn't at all expecting it.

I also have memories of the single guys who have complimented me and wanted me and kissed me. If I were totally unattractive, those experiences never would have happened.

Of course, the opinion that matters most is my own, as I'm the one who has to look at me the most. If I'm not happy with the way I look, I'm the one responsible. I'm not about to opt for plastic surgery, but I can exercise more, change my clothes, and make sure my makeup is as enhancing as it should be. I truly do feel better about myself when I'm taking care of myself.

All of these opinions are truly important, and I'm grateful for them. But, I'm not going to lie, I really want someone I find attractive to tell me how nice I look, especially when I've taken to the time to put myself together. I'd like to say that it's me I'm applying this makeup for and wearing the shirt that flatters my jiggly midsection, and sometimes it is. M0re often than not though, it's for the guys, since I'm just as happy in my brother's basketball shorts and my flannel shirt* as I am in that dress.

So, men, even if you're not interested in a particular girl, but you do recognize she's attractive, compliment her. On her dress, on her hair, on her overall look, or whatever it is that caught your eye. It will brighten her day, I guarantee you.

*I'm not crazy. Even for me, I will not wear that particular ensemble out of the house, except for maybe to the trash can. But it is really comfortable.

Not exactly complaining.

Sorry this is late! It's been a busy day. :)

Tonight I went to a birthday party for a friend--a small gathering of mostly women, all of us single and over 25. It was really nice, actually. I had a lot of fun talking with people in similar situations: we're all trying to figure out life on unexpected terms without becoming bitter and angry about things we can't control.

It's not easy, but it's not as hard as it could be if I didn't have any perspective.

What it comes down to is a shift in attitude. There are so many things out of our control, so many things we can't change, and so many things that just don't matter. Does it really matter that we're "too old" for some men? Is it that big a deal if we're not attractive to some men? After all, there are some men out there to whom I am just not attracted, as good as they may be. There some men who are, indeed, too old for me. I can't very well change my basic bone structure, and I don't want to dye my hair or start wearing more makeup (or, for heaven's sake, a push-up bra constantly) just to be attractive to someone who isn't attracted to me to begin with. I refuse to lie about my age just so someone won't freak out about dating me.

Conversely, I don't (and shouldn't) expect perfection out of anyone I date. It's not fair. I have a good set of baggage and to insist that the men I date be baggage-free with perfect hair and ripped abs is completely unrealistic and will only make me miserable. I know too many women who are deluded into thinking that someone like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp is going to fall head over heels for them and their imperfections, and they're sad and bitter because they've never found a Brad or a Johnny...and it shows. Didn't someone once say that we shouldn't expect to marry Mister Universe if we're not Miss America?

Well, I'm not Miss America, and I'm not going to marry a Mister Universe. And you know? I'm ok with that! There are some things I want to improve and things I need to work on, and I'm grown-up enough to be realistic in my expectations for others. Does that make me upset or angry? Nope. Not a bit. It is what it is, and I'm pretty sure that the man I marry will feel the same way; otherwise, I wouldn't be attracted to him. I'm so glad that we have a loving Heavenly Father who created us with imperfections and weirdnesses that will be attractive to someone else!

It's not because you're short

First of all, congratulations to Roxie! I could not be more excited for her and HP! I've also been reminded in the last few days that wedding plans are lots more fun to talk about when they aren't accompanied by "you know, whenever".

Now, on to my real discussion point.

There's an episode of Grey's Anatomy where a man comes in with incredibly infected legs, a result of a surgery in some foreign country designed to give him a few more inches. He'd been short his entire life and is convinced that he'll have better success in his romantic life if he's taller, like his brother.

His brother, finally fed up with this brother's whiny and negative attitude, snaps. He yells something like "It's not because you're short! It's because that's all you can talk about! You're constantly whining about how short you are and no one wants to around all that negativity!"

I'm here to tell you, he's exactly right.

I've had two such experiences. One young man was a few inches shorter than me, another in a wheelchair. They were both convinced that any hesitancy they were experiencing from the opposite sex was because they were short or wheelchair bound.

I will admit that yes, I would prefer an able-bodied man who is taller than me, even in heels. But it's not a dealbreaker. Not even close. If we're a match in every other way, I will look past the physical. What I can't look past is someone who constantly oozes negativity and desperation.

We all have our physical imperfections. The difference is what we choose to do about it.

The importance of conversation.

Time for another bad date story.

For a time I was semi-active on an online dating site, although most people deluded themselves into thinking it was a networking site. It isn't. It's a dating site.

One guy I started messaging seemed real interesting. He'd had some adventures in his life and wasn't as weird as some of the other guys I'd talked to. We decided meeting might not be a bad idea since we lived relatively close to each other (different suburbs of the same area).

I'm a woman. So that means in this scenario he should generally be the one to suggest the activity and set it up. He understood that much, kind of. His idea of inviting me on a date was to send me an email 3-4 hours before the start of the activity.

This failed many times. For several reasons.

1. While I check my email frequently, the odds of me checking it within the time before the activity isn't good.
2. I have a life. I do not sit at home eating popcorn every night, not planning things, just in case some guy calls me at 6 to see if we can get together at 7. (Exception, Boyfriend does this now, but it's totally expected. There are certain nights during the week that we just get together on. So I expect him to call when he gets home from work and then we figure out what we both still have to do that evening and work out when we can get together. But this is not how we started dating. This only works because of where we are at in our relationship now.)
3. If he can't figure out how to ask a girl on a date, what else doesn't he know how to do?

So after doing this for a few weeks and it NEVER working out, and him not getting the idea that asking in advance means more advance than travel time, I decided to set the example.

A local theater was performing "Steel Magnolias" and I wanted to see it. So I invited him to meet me at the theater in a week and we could see the show together.

Good date etiquette:

1. I set it up several days in advance.
2. I had a plan!

He seemed nice enough, but we just couldn't get a conversation going before the show. It would start, but then he'd just stop, like he'd said everything he needed to say. The same during intermission.

After the show we went to the local eatery for some food. Again, the guy could not carry a conversation to save his life! One of us would start a topic, and after just a few minutes he'd just stop. He could talk about a lot of things, but only for a few minutes. It was exhausting! I like to talk, but it has to be an equal balance. I'm not one of those people who can carry the whole conversation on my own. It was bad.

The local junior high was having a dance that night, and many of the students had come to the same eatery after the dance. I was an elementary teacher at the time and knew a lot of them. It's always fun for me to watch my students see me when I'm not at school. I think in some part of their minds they really do think teachers live at school.

He and I went back to the theater so I could get my car, and that was it for the evening.

I didn't hear from him again for a couple of months. And then it was another invite to do something in a couple of hours. By that time I'd moved states. Poor guy. It looks like he never learned.

The highlights of the date for me:

1. The show was amazing! I'd seen the movie before, and the movie pulls on your heart. But it's nothing like the live play. And the playwrite wrote it based on the lives of his mom and sister and the women in his town.
2. Seeing my former students at the eatery. Always fun!
3. Driving home and thinking about telling the Boyfriend (who was just a friend at that point) about it. He liked hearing about all of my bad dates.

And you know it's a bad date when they guy you are on the date with doesn't even make the top three highlights of the evening.

The Love Letter

My mother loves making cards. She makes them for every occasion you can think of, and even a few you've never thought of. She sends them to everyone all the time. She's someone who hasn't forgotten the satisfying feeling of mailing something physical to someone, nor of receiving a physical note in return. So I really shouldn't have been too surprised at the card I received in the mail from her today. Although it still makes me laugh.

The card had hearts on the inside and out. One of the ones on the inside was a fuzzy heart sticker even. The inside of the card read, "Sounds like love is in the air. How exciting. Love, Mom & Dad." I didn't realize walking through a jewelry store with someone was cause for a congratulatory greeting card. Leave it to my mom.

On the whole though, I feel that our society has gotten too far away from the beauty that is a well crafted love letter. My relationship with the boyfriend has been in writing to a very large degree. Both of us are computer geeks and are at a computer for a good portion of our day, so we have email conversations back and forth all the time. It's great because we have this written record of our relationship (which also means I can look up what he said months/years ago and has forgotten). Even when we are sitting right next to each other in a church meeting, we write back and forth to each other, passing notes. At least we aren't talking and disrupting the lesson. We have a notebook I keep in my bag for church for that very reason.

But we also know when it is time to put down the pen or keyboard and actually talk, face to face, about what is really important. Unlike some guys who feel it is okay to apologize via text message (how old is he? 12?).

There is a time for fun banter through technology. And there is a time for eye contact and touch and hearing each other's voices with their words.

And I hope there's still time for a good love letter too.

A-freaking-MEN

First, I will admit that sometimes I have a penchant for the bad boy. There's just something, perhaps their raw animal magnetism, that gets me. But I know they aren't for keeps. And now, research proves it.

Second, and most importantly: One morning, I was on the train with a blind date. We were headed into the city to do some sight-seeing for our date and chatting about who knows what. Somehow, the subject of porn came up. Now, I've seen, first hand, how it can mess with relationships of every kind, and I do not care for it one bit. So, when my date replied to whatever I'd said with "I love porn!!", I was floored. Why I didn't stand my ground, get off the train at the next stop, and go right back home, I'll never know. That was at least the second strike to what turned out to be a rather tortuous date.

So, today, when the Art of Manliness posted this - The Problem with Porn - it says exactly what I've been saying for years. Read it. Share it. It's EXACTLY how I feel.

Of course, it's rather impossible for people to have never seen it these days, and it's not an immediate dealbreaker (there were other reasons I should have gotten off the train that day), but I do not like it, Sam I Am. Not on a train, not in the rain, not in a box, not with a fox. And I won't apologize for it.

Why, yes, I do have other plans tonight

Kissing me (once, a quick peck) after helping me take out my garbage, then not calling for 11 days and calling three times in over an hour (not leaving a message the first two times and finally getting to talk to me on the third) does not earn you points. Just FYI.

My plans tonight? Post this and then lounge around in pjs. I would much rather do that then spend an evening with someone who is that nonchalant about getting together with me.

The Perfect Proposal

No, not mine, at least not yet.

But I incedulously read at Manolo for the Brides about a whole magazine (Engagement 101) being written to provide tips on how to propose. Except the thing is geared towards women and men probably won't even know it exists and all it's going to do is build unrealistic and unnecessary expectations for what a proposal should be like. Those poor guys don't stand a chance if their girlfriend is reading that magazine.

Jinxie wrote a bit about proposals a month ago (Rings do not go in food). I've even talked about it a bit before (Greed and Disgust).

I offer here the two necessary requirements for a perfect proposal.

1. A man and a woman who love each other, a lot.
2. A man and a woman who know each other as best as they possibly can, really know each other. (This of course means that you will continue to get to know each other for the rest of eternity because we are all rather complex creatures.)

Anything more than that is unnecessary. If the girl (and I use that term on purpose) absolutely will not say yes unless the man flies her to Paris or buys her 100 roses or something completely ridiculous, she's not mature enough to get married and the guy is actually better off with her saying no.

If they truly do know each other, then the man will know the exact perfect thing to do for his woman, and it will be beautiful and romantic for how well it fits their relationship.

I like watching the movie The Mirror Has Two Faces. Barabara Streisand's character Rose says, "I tell you what I envy about people in love - I'd love it if someone knew me, really knew me. What I like, what I'm afraid of, what kind of toothpaste I use. I think that would really be wonderful."

That's what I'm waiting for. Some day someone will really know me, and he won't need a glossy magazine to tell him how to propose.

If a chimp can take it's mate on a date...

It was with interest that I recently read a report on the mating habits of chimpanzees. It seems that the male chimps that go off and hunt meat and then bring it back to the group and share it with the females in the group get to have more sex with said females than the males in the group that don't treat the females to dinner. And it isn't an immediate exchange either. The male might bring the female meat for a while with no sex. But then when she's fertile, that male that brought her food gets to have twice as much sex as the self-ish ones.

So what is the lesson in all of this?

It's simple. Men who take women on dates get the women. Men who are self-ish or just hang out, don't get the women.

I mean, if a male chimp can court the female and take her out to dinner, why is it so hard for male humans to figure out the same thing?

From Elder Oaks (Dating versus Hanging Out, Ensign, June 2006):

My single young friends, we counsel you to channel your associations with the opposite sex into dating patterns that have the potential to mature into marriage, not hanging-out patterns that only have the prospect to mature into team sports like touch football.

And also:

A “date” must pass the test of three p’s: (1) planned ahead, (2) paid for, and (3) paired off.

I'm 30. I'm not going to hang-out any more. And honestly, I haven't wanted to hang out since the end of my mission.

I think I speak for many when I say, stop hanging-out and start bringing me meat!

And I did get a date Saturday night. And it was great.

What to do (part 1 of many)

We mentioned some things that a man would be wise to not do, ever. But good behavior modification programs do more than just remove undesirable behaviors, they must replace those undesirable ones with more desirable ones. So here is an introductory list of things that would be viewed as desirable.

Dress appropriately! Jinxie already said some great things about this, so I'll just refer you there. I'd also be willing to bet that Trixie has a few things on that topic as well.

Hold doors. There are those I have heard who say that holding a door for a woman tells her that she can't do it herself. I have never, ever, in my life felt like that was what getting my door meant. If I am driving the car we are in, I will get myself in and out of the car. Otherwise, I'm going to sit in the car until the man get the door for me. I also expect the man to open the door when we are getting in the car. As well as doors to where we are going. The fewer doors I touch on a date, the better things will go.

Walk on the road side. This seems like something nobody ever talks about. This practice dates back a long time to when roads were mud and it was to prevent the lady from getting splashed with mud. (I'm totally making that up, but it sounds completely plausible, does it not?). For me, in this day and age, it means the man wants to be between me and danger. It is a very small thing, but for me it is huge! Especially since it is something so few people ever mention. If the man knows about that one, it means to me that he really does know how to be a gentleman.

There are many other desirable behaviors, but taking a few at a time and not getting overwhelmed is generally better.

Dress to impress

My date on Saturday night wore a suit. It was the type of outing where a suit is preferred, and I wore a dress. Incidentally, it was the same dress I wore to this venue the last time, but he doesn't need to know that. All I know is that I look great in that dress, so there. The last time I went to this venue, my date (a completely different guy, I assure you) wore khakis, a white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a really ugly tie.

The suit on my most recent date was refreshing. He looked great. I'd said nothing about what I was wearing to hint that he might want to dress up. He just knew what was expected at that kind of event and dressed accordingly, and I figured he would. I figured right.

That is so impressive, dressing appropriately for an occasion. I don't care if his suit came from Armani or The Men's Wearhouse, but don't show up in jeans for a black-tie affair. Someone who takes care of their appearance and dresses according to an occasion will be remembered for it.

I promise.

What not to do (part 1 of many, I'm sure)

It seems like an unfortunate number of males could use a little help in knowing what they should not be doing if they ever have any intention of being in a relationship.

First with the "stalking." It's not cool. I once had the experience of a guy listening in class as the professor called role to figure out my name, and then used the school directory to figure out my number and address and call me for a date. My information is no longer listed in school directories. And if you want a date with a girl, you need to also be able to ask for her number directly, not through covert means.

Second, there are many terms that are just not acceptable. Playing games with a group of people recently, one of the guys, while handing a card to the person at my left said "hey, woman!" She has a name. And you know her name. And hopefully the dirty looks that all of the women in the room, and some of the men as well, gave him, will help him see that what he said was just not right. Although I'm doubtful.

Third. If the girl you like happens to fancy another guy at the time, speaking ill of him will not get you anywhere, at least in the forward direction. It will, though, move you back and destroy your chances. As an example, I was speaking with Sam about Kitt several weeks ago. It seems that Sam might have had crush type feelings on me at one point. I like Kitt, a lot. We were talking about Kitt's views on a certain subject and Sam asked me if I knew what those views really were, indicating that if I did know, I would definitely not like them, and thus not like Kitt either. As it so happens, I do know what those views are and I happen to like and agree with them. So not only did Sam reveal that he and I don't agree on some very important issues, but he also implied mean things about someone I care about. Ooo, bad move there Sam, go back five spaces.

Unfortunately this is not an exhaustive list. And I am sure I will have more list worthy experiences as time moves on.

Phone numbers

I am much more comfortable with someone having my phone number when I gave it to them myself, or gave someone else permission to give it them. Now, if someone didn't get my phone number from me, but then calls me, I would like it if, preferably during the salutation, the person calling me says "I got your number from ________ ." I can live with that.

If someone straight up asks for my phone number, I will, most likely, give it to them. Unknown numbers are disconcerting, but less so than listening to the voicemail that is from someone I never intended to have my phone number.

Selfishness

One of the biggest problems that plagues any relationship from succeeding, or even beginning, is selfishness.

Merriam-Webster defines it thusly:

Main Entry:
self·ish
Function:
adjective
Date:
1640
1: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
2: arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others

— self·ish·ly adverb— self·ish·ness noun

It is rather impossible for us mere mortals to be 100% self-less 100% of the time, but we can sure try. In a relationship, any relationship, the other person, or, more importantly, the couple, should be put before the individual as much as possible.

This concept requires compromise. You will not always get your way, nor should it be about getting your way. You don't have to have the same level of enthusiasm for something as your partner might, but supporting them and their choices/activities/ideas will likely lead to them doing the same for you in return, and both will mutually benefit. In other words, a relationship should not be based on give and take. It should really just be give. You will receive in return, but that should not be your goal.

William Wordsworth put it this way:

The world is too much with us; late and soon,
Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers.
A poor man can be selfish and a rich man generous, but a person obsessed only with getting will have a hard time finding peace in his life.

Elder William R. Bradford said "Where there is selfishness, the Spirit of the Lord is absent."

Certainly, we want the Spirit with us as we make and maintain one of the biggest decisions of our life, right?

President James E. Faust said

We torture our souls when we focus on getting rather than giving . . . One of life's paradoxes is that a person who approaches everything with a what's-in-it-for-me . . . will lose the fulfillment and the happiness that a person enjoys who shares his talents and gifts generously with others.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell: A narcissist society, in which each person is busy looking out for number on, can build neither brotherhood nor community.

Also from Elder Maxwell, "The severely selfish use others but do not love them."

There are few things worse in a relationship than feeling used. Whether it be like you feel like you're being courted because of your car, your money, your status, or, worse of all, your body, to not be valued for your whole soul makes you feel unimportant and worthless. Completely.

"No one has the right to make you feel inferior without your consent." (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Selfishness has devastating consequences. As I look back, most of my romantic relationships have ended due to some degree of selfishness, either on my part, or my partner's, or both. I've even lost friends because of selfishness. Worse still, "[s]elfishness is actually the detonator of all the cardinal sins." (Elder Maxwell) This severely damages the relationship one has with our Heavenly Father. Those who bend to their own apetites and desires rather than those of others burn bridges and make it difficult for real love and trust to develop.

I'm not saying that both partners have to be so selfless that they, metaphorically, stand at a door together and say "No, you first, I insist" for eternity. Someone has to go through that door, but with their partner following close behind.

Again, mutual respect, love, compromise, decisions, and, especially, communication should be become key components of any succesful relationship. I'm certainly not perfect, and this is just as much for myself as it is for anyone else, but I'm constantly trying to better, and so should you be.

As Joseph Smith said, "Let every selfish feeling be not only buried, but annihilated."

All quotes can be found here and here.