Move on already!!

She basically stalked him, making sure no other girl dated him for long, if at all. She would buddy up to them and convince them he was weird or moving too fast or whatever she had to do to get them to not talk to them.

She tried it with me. It didn't work. Then she tried threatening me. She yelled (literally) at me during a church meeting. And when she found out we were getting married, told him within 5 years he'd realize how mean I was and divorce me. And she blocked us on Facebook.

Until she was getting married herself. Then she sent both of us friend requests.

Weird.

We both ignored the request.

And now she's following me on Pinterest.

Really?

Really?

MOVE ON ALREADY!!

I wish her well. But I also wish she'd just disappear.

Never thought I'd see that

A while back we were out running errands a lot longer than we thought we would be and needed some food before starting the long drive home. We stopped at a Jack-in-the-Box for salads (they're good!) and followed a young twenty-something couple in.

Both of us needed to use the restroom, but the couple in front of us needed to as well. My husband headed to the men's room (which was one of those single room types not the multiple stall types). I saw the couple in front of us both head towards the women's room, and I thought that was weird. And then I saw the guy get the door for the girl. And I thought that was a odd type of chivalry (getting the door for me does have limits). And then I saw the guy follow her in. And I was blown away. Seriously?!

We ordered our food. We got our food. We started eating our food. We saw an employee go to the bathroom, see it was locked, and leave. Then a few minutes later we saw another woman go to the bathroom, see it was locked, knock, and then stand there and wait. She was surprised when the door opened.

The couple started to head out when the guy suggested they get something to eat. How nice of him. Till I noticed that she was the one pulling out a wallet and not him.

Later just before we left, when I was finally using the bathroom, my husband overheard a snippet of conversation between the couple. He heard the guy say "she's trying to revoke my parole."

Yup. Classy couple there.

Improvement

I keep forgetting to blog, so I'm glad I have a reminder in my calendar for this little project.  I've been thinking about how hard it is for me to find something to talk about on here.  I want to avoid being overly whiny, because there are enough whiny singles blogs out there.  I want to avoid being overly prideful, because there are enough "look at me!" blogs out there.  So, between those two limits, I find myself thinking I don't have much to day.  In my real life, I'm not overly whiny or prideful--I don't complain about being single because, really, there's not much I can do about it (and don't suggest online dating, because I always feel like throwing up just thinking about it) besides keep doing what I'm doing and have faith that everything is happening the way it needs to.  I don't think I'm all that awesome; maybe I have a certain cool factor because I do what I like and buy myself pretty things and don't get all hung up on what people are thinking about me, but I got here after a very long journey through years of depression and self-doubt.

My life is work and family.  The last time I went on a date was when I went to lunch with Ken back in August, and I paid.  I get involved in hobbies and projects, and I flirt when I can, but mostly I try to make people comfortable and happy.  I don't go to work looking for dates (and would NEVER date anyone I've met at my new job--all the single guys are too short or too awkward), I don't go to a singles ward, and I avoid singles activities with all my might.  So I work, I occasionally go to lunch with some of the other women there, and I come home and hang out with my family, or I don't come home and instead work on outisde projects with fun people.  The goal of my social interaction is not to find a husband, but to do something challenging and meet like-minded people.  I'm sure there are people out there who would say I'm wrong to take my focus off husband-hunting, but it feels right to do things that make me happy.  I don't buy into "The Secret" and I refuse to compete with 20-year-olds, so I usually end up doing my own thing and enjoying myself.  In fact, I enjoy my time a lot more when I'm not constantly worried about whether or not someone approves of what I'm doing.  I think God approves, and that's enough for me.

Do I want to get married?  Heck yes I do!  But I'm not going to force anything or anyone.  I've prayed about this, and the answer I almost always get is "hang on, he's coming."  So I do my thing, find happiness in my family and friends, and try to be my best self.  When it's right, it'll happen.  Until then (and probably even after), I'll be looking for a tap dancing class to take.

Apathetic directionless waiters

I had some friends back when, who thought they could set me up on dates because they had the perfect guy for me. We were both LDS and both single, how much more compatibility do you need!

By this point in my life I had done a few things, like graduate from college, start a career, serve a mission, work in a foreign country. My life had a direction and I was actively pursuing life.

I remember one of those blind dates that went pretty much like this Dilbert date. The guy really had no long term plans. Choking to death on an olive while clinging to failure in a fabric covered cubicle wasn't outside the realm of items on his "five year plan" at that point.

And it wasn't attractive.

I wasn't judging him because he was still in college, but by the fact that he had no idea why he was in college or really what he was going to do after. Have a dream for crying out loud!

One song that I refuse to listen to is John Mayer's "Waiting on the World to Change." To me that song symbolizes the apparent apathetic approach to life that far too many people have today. You don't wait for the world to change, you go out and make it happen, in whatever way you can. Apathetic directionless waiters are not attractive dates and make for boring dinner conversation.

Player

In a fit of boredom, desperation, and curiosity, I joined a couple of online dating sites. One free, one paid. Both have slightly different concepts in how they go about matching people up, and I thought I'd give it a whirl.

Ho-boy.

Short version: I have three first and one second date this coming weekend AND another man I'm texting almost all day every day.

Did you count that? Four dates and five suitors? Who AM I?

Long version: I don't even know where to start. I sent out a handful of little nudges to a few guys I thought were attractive and received a few in return. Many of mine were ignored, and I ignored a few sent my way as well, but then a few turned into actual conversation. And then actual date invitations. I was headed out of town for work almost immediately, so I had to postpone all but one first meeting until after I got back.

I didn't even expect that first first date with The Pollock (he's really of Polish descent), to go as well as it did, but it did. Not only did the date itself go well, but we continued to text each other for the next two hours after we went our separate ways. Knowing we were both out of town and busy meant we didn't talk much over the next week or so, but once I had returned I, as promised, called him to schedule another date and he returned the call last night. Yes, I know I called first, but all other communication to this point had been initiated by him.

We talked on the phone for over 30 minutes, and I don't even like talking on the phone. I wanted him to get to the making plans for the weekend point sooner, but he didn't and that's okay. He called as soon as he could (work has been crazy and he's on total outside world lockdown when he's there, thank you top secret government work) and it was fun to hear from him. We should be seeing each other again this Saturday night.

Then there's The Wordsmith. We've been emailing and playing WordFeud (a smartphone version of Scrabble) and looking forward to our first dinner for a couple of weeks. He's made an effort to keep getting to know me while I've been away, and I'm impressed. Initially, I thought he was going to win over The Pollock, but now I don't know. I'll evaluate after our date on Friday.

I also have dates Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon. These guys don't get nicknames yet because I've hardly talked to them since arranging our plans and I don't anticipate them making the cut. I also had a date this last Monday evening. It was a fun activity (pub trivia), but the date itself fizzled. Oh well.

Oh! And there's the guy I was just starting to get to know and then ran into at a social event on a date with another girl! It was actually the girl I was talking to first because she came over to compliment my dress, then her date came back from wherever he was. "You look like this guy I've been talking to online." "What's his name?" "{Insert screen name here}" "[Laughs.] I thought you looked familiar too." And now his date and I are Facebook friends and I don't know if either of us have heard from him again. I certainly haven't.

I haven't even made an effort on these sites for almost two weeks, because I cannot keep this pace up! There are a couple guys I'm talking to and haven't made plans with yet, but after these other guys I'm actually meeting, the conversation already seems forced and I don't want to waste anyone's time.

And! Two guys whose radars I thought I'd fallen off months ago are starting to creep back into my life. I'm not anticipating anything actually happening there, but it's still more dudes to keep track of!

Part of this little experiment was definitely because I was striking out in my normal circle - the guys I meet through my Mormon circle. Too much drama, not enough dates.

Then suddenly last Thursday, I sent a flirty tweet to a single, Mormon guy I know solely on Twitter - because, well, why not? And, unlike the last time I tried flirting with him, he actually responded. We quickly moved the conversation to direct (private) messages and, by the end of the day, had exchanged phone numbers and moved the conversation to text messages.

And we haven't stopped.

For the first few days I was hesitant and thought to myself "Wow, dude, slow down. Don't force this.", but I'm starting to change my tune. We have a LOT in common and plenty to talk about. John Denver, as he shall be known, is clearly smitten with me and has actually said that - I'm not just inferring here. So, not only do we enjoy many of the same things, he's open and communicative about his feelings in general and his feelings for me specifically and often, something I've been saying for a long time will be a characteristic of my husband. After too many "does he or doesn't he" scenarios, I need someone I don't doubt really cares for me.

John Denver is many of the things I'm looking for, but I'm still hesitant. 1 - It's only been a week. 2 - I have, at least for now, a few other guys in the lineup (I cannot stress enough how much this has NEVER happened for me). 3 - I still don't know what he looks or sounds like. I know what he used to look like, but he's apparently lost a LOT of weight since then (which is good, because he was severely overweight, something I'm not attracted to) and has no recent pictures to share. What he sounds like is important too, for a variety of reasons. Maybe it's shallow, but physical attraction is important too.

Chances are very good right now that all these relationships will naturally play out and all but one will end soon enough that I don't even have to tell them I'm considering so many others. And chances are good that the things I'm worried about with John Denver specifically will be answered quickly.

Obviously, there's lots to evaluate about each of these men and they still have plenty to learn about me. It's just so flattering AND overwhelming that all of them have shown up at once. I hardly have time for one relationship, not to mention five!

I'm willing to give it a shot though, and I will certainly keep you all posted!

It's not your news to share

I told my dad that I met someone. The guy with the exclamation point in his text? In this case, we really did just meet once and had a very fast dinner together a week later, his treat. That and some texting is it so far. My dad grabbed on to that story and ran with it so much so that at a recent family gathering almost everyone asked me: "So, I heard you met someone?" Even a stranger at the gym then my dad goes to and I was attending with him asked, "So I heard you met someone?"

Yes, friends and family, I met somebody. Just met him. That doesn't mean I'm going to marry him - doesn't even mean I'm going to date him. But, yes, in the true sense of the word, I have met someone. Whether or not I Met Someone is too early to tell.

When there is news of that nature, I fully expect my dad to shout it from the rooftops. However, one dinner and one meeting do not a relationship make and I don't know why my dad feels a need to share this with everyone. For all I know, it's going to show up in the family Christmas letter! I'm glad he's excited. No, really, I am. I'm excited too. I just don't know what it is yet and I certainly don't think it's worth telling strangers at the gym about.

How do you deal with an over excited parent? I think Roxie had the right idea - she allowed her mom to ask her once a month. I am ever closer to making that a requirement. I know my dad wants good things for me. I want them too. I'm glad that I can share things with my parents as they really are some of my best friends but that doesn't mean they need to share my news with everyone.

I also tire of these questions my dad has asked me lately:

Dad: Do you have any boy news you want to share?
Me: Noooo.

Dad: Have you reconnected with anyone?
Me: Are you asking if I've talked to [this guy I've met] since I got back from The Homeland?
Dad: . . . Yes.

Have you dealt with this situation? How have you found a compromise between over sharing and not sharing at all?

Blink and you might miss it!

I think I got my answer about the last guy this weekend. He deliberately came over to me at a party to say hello and give me a side hug, which was nice of him. Eventually, we started talking, and I asked how things (work and school, specifically) were going. We talked for several minutes and he mentioned that his schedule would be less stressful in the coming weeks. I suggested that if that was the case, it would be nice to spend some time with him again. He nodded and said "We'll see, we'll see." with a slight hint of a smile.

But then I blinked, someone else joined us, and before I even had time to realize it, he was across the room in another conversation.

Oookay then.

I'm not holding my breath with this guy.

On the other hand, when I suggested to a different young man, via text, that we get together again when I get back from traveling, he wrote back almost immediately, saying that would be fun! Exclamation point his!

So that's something. And something is always good.

Cravings

Sk8er Boi and I saw each other every day for over two weeks and at least talked (usually via text) every day for the two months since we'd been dating. Then he left on a week long roadtrip to his hometown and I haven't heard from him much since he's been gone.

No worries, I told myself. He's just busy with his family and old friends. He did say that he hated to leave you for a week and it would suck if you found someone else while he was gone. He's been quick on the response when you've texted him, which hasn't been all the time or even each day because you're not a crazy needy person, and initiated the conversation at least once.

There was no indication anything was wrong before he left - why would that change?

My guy friends all assured me that I was right. There wasn't anything to be concerned about. He'd get back soon and return to his usual habits of saying good morning every day and all would be well.

But I couldn't shake that niggling little doubt brought on by years of guys going ghost on me for no discernible reason and all associated insecurities. We're also not officially defined as boyfriend/girlfriend yet, so there's a certain lack of commitment from both parties. I've had a hard time focusing on going about my daily routine and tried to mentally list all the reasons he might have for having spent his vacation talking himself out of us and then listing all the reasons why those reasons were crazy and he wouldn't think that.

I hate it. I'm a classic overthinker and it really, really, really is hard to stop. There was absolutely nothing I could do but wait for Sk8er Boi to come home, but my brain wouldn't stop.

Until today, when I had yet another talk about it with one of my Four Old Guys (that I actually share with Roxie) and he reminded me of the physiological implications of a separation of this nature and it was like a lightbulb had finally turned on!

I've likened breakups to withdrawals from drug addiction and science has too, so why wouldn't a temporary separation have similar implications? It's tempered only by the fact that it IS temporary and we'll be together again soon. I overdosed on Sk8er Boi and the endorphins I experience by being with him before he left, so I miss my fix and that feel good sensation of his presence and attention.

So why isn't he going through something similar? That's easily explainable too. He's with his family and some long-time friends that give him that same pleasurable feeling of love and acceptance that he gets from being with me and his friends where we live, so he isn't experiencing the same need that I am. I've noticed that when I'm in the presence of friends of my own this last week, I've felt more at peace with the situation and now I know it's because I was feeling those love endorphins I so need right now!

Basically, my feelings can be summed up like this:

I'm not broken, or crazy. I'm human. I should see Sk8er Boi tomorrow. Everything is most likely totally fine, and I feel a lot better than I did this morning.

Nailbiter

The very beginning of relationship is so much fun, right? The giggling when he does something so sweet, the anticipation of that first kiss (or even the 27th, because it's still so new), wondering what he has planned for your next date. The butterflies. The new sparks. That first time you hold hands.

Except I kind of hate it.

In the midst of all that new and exciting cuteness, there's the insecurity that comes from none of your last several guys making it past a month for often indiscernible reasons, so why should this time be any different? There's the fact that you're still learning to communicate with each other, and you're not quite sure when he's teasing or being serious or what his love language is and neither is he about you.

Today, for example, we sent text messages back and forth for a few hours and instead of focusing on the the facts that he called me "hun" twice in one text last night, then sent me a text relatively soon after waking today, and our texts today ranged from intellectual to flirty and remained constant until he got to work, my brain keeps pointing out that he hasn't called me by any term of endearment yet today, nor have we set up any plans for tomorrow when we're both finally free, and that I had to initiate our conversation after work last night.

Why, brain? Why?

I would much rather be in that comfortable middle ground, where you're definitely in a relationship and while there are still risks and potential exits, it's more secure. You know each other better, can read each other's moods, and are cementing stronger communication patterns to work out the little kinks or even the not so little ones.

Yes, the beginning of something new can be crazy awesome. I happen to love that we text each other good night and good morning and talk everyday, even if we don't see each other more than two or three times a week yet. Considering the circumstances of his last relationship and how it ended, I'm pretty sure he's not a runner. I just have to remember to take a breath. We're taking things slow and talking LOTS, so we're good. We have to go through this insecure part to get to the comfortable middle anyway.

Am I crazy? Have you experienced the same thing? Should I just ask if he still wants to go out tomorrow and stop worrying about it?

"Groundhog Day" on Dating

The movie "Groundhog Day" doesn't seem like it would have a lot to really teach about dating, but think about it. It's one of HP's favorite movies, so we watch it every year on February 2nd. This year I've been thinking about it ever since.

At the beginning of the movie, Phil is the worst date ever. And he goes through several incarnations of bad date throughout the movie. He:

• Thinks only of himself


• Considers getting a date a conquest


• Thinks only of what he can get out of a date


• Uses manipulative techniques to "trick" women into thinking he likes them, which he found out by basically stalking them (although in this movie it comes across differently because he flat out asks them things on successive days)


• Tries too hard to create "spontaneous" romantic moments. It's almost painful to watch the second night they build the snowman and see how hard he tries.

Now, granted, by the time he gets there he is starting to get better at the dating thing. A lot of times it's real cute when a guy tries that hard, to be romantic, but it's a fine line between cute and creepy. Trying to be spontaneous never goes well.

Of course he gets the girl in the end. And how does he do that? He stops thinking not just about himself, but also about how he can win the object of his affection. Instead he starts thinking about EVERYONE else around him. There's the tear jerking sequence where he tries to help the old man. He helps the kid who falls out of the tree, the old ladies with their tire, the man who chokes, all of that. He also works on improving himself. He expands his reading (which starts, admittedly, as a way to manipulate women). He learns new talents (piano playing).

He lives for someone other than himself. And it is that which makes him such a wonderful date. Which makes anyone, male or female, a good date.

See Jane Run

Story time!

Girl goes dancing.

Girl meets boy.

Girl and boy hit it off and eventually spend the last hour of the event only dancing with each other.

Girl and boy promise to look each other up on Facebook, because he lives in a different state.

Girl realizes this is lame, but sends boy a message within a couple of days.

Girl never hears from boy, but finds out from mutual friends that he had broken up with his girlfriend the same night she had met boy so decided she should probably write boy off.

Two months pass.

Girl goes dancing.

Girl runs into same boy, who is apparently visiting again.

Girl and boy don't pair off again, but they still get along rather well and finally exchange phone numbers.

Girl and boy spend almost the entirety of MLK Day together, with and without other friends.

Boy updates girl on flight status.

Girl adds boy on Facebook.

Girl never hears from boy again.

Boy is lame.

Girl is bummed.

Girl moves on.

I Have Found My Limit

The other day, as I was shopping for jeans (an impossible task), I got a call from an older friend of mine. She had approached me weeks ago about the possibility of being set up by her and I had said that I was open to it. Mostly. When most people offer to set me up, they don't realize exactly how old I am; I have caught several off-guard when I say with forthrightness that I am almost 36 because I am invariably mistaken for being much younger. Many people are thinking of their sons or nephews or friends who are in their mid-twenties when they offer to set me up. It's kind of funny and a little endearing that they think I'm still 25. In any case, this sweet friend called and told me about an unattached man in her ward who has three boys. As she was telling me about him, I thought, "Ok, this could work, I've been out with guys with young kids before, no big deal." She kept talking, though, and I could feel my willingness just shut down completely when she said, "He's 49 and his oldest son is 17 and lives with his ex-wife."

Turns out I have really found my official age and situation limit. 49 is just too old for me right now, and a 17-year-old son is too much. Give me five years, though, and it might all be fine, but not now. Not at all. I have to break it to her gently and kindly and gratefully, and I always hate doing that because I DO feel bad.

Dating as an Introvert

Since Trixie outed Roxie and me as introverts yesterday, I think now is good time to discuss how it affects my dating life, because, let me tell you, it totally does.

First, a definition or two. An introvert is someone who recharges by being alone and find other people tiring. Extroverts, on the other hand, are recharged by other people and fade when alone. Introversion to extroversion is a spectrum, and most people fall somewhere in the middle, rather than on the extreme ends. Introverts are not necessarily shy or misanthropic, we're just misunderstood.

For me specifically, I am definitely not shy, I have excellent social skills, and I do love having long and meaningful conversations.

However, as an introvert:

I loathe small talk.

Exchanging pleasantries and meaningless conversation is difficult for me, especially it's just done to fill space or time. Unfortunately, first meetings and first dates are often completely made of small talk and it feels like a waste of time and words. I recognize it has its place and does help you to get to know someone, and I will engage in it, but it's still hard for me. Therefore, I probably come across as, at best, quiet or, at worst, arrogant when I first meet someone. Those are not first impressions that are erased easily.

Large gatherings are killer.

Linger longers, house parties, bars etc. There are too many social interactions going on at once for me. It's incredibly draining as I feel I have to circulate and find people to talk to. I'm fine when I find one or two people to talk to as I drown out the madness around me, but, as I mentioned, I hate small talk, so getting into that is hard. Unfortunately, it's one of the best ways to meet new people, but as I'm out of my element, I'm probably throwing out that uncomfortable vibe, and that's not helpful.

New groups are hard.

I do great with small groups, particularly of good friends. On the other hand, if I'm the new person in a group that already knows each other, I have a difficult time breaking in. Somehow, I feel like anything I have to include isn't really worth saying, or I won't be heard, or something. It's tricky to explain. But if you see or are in a small group of people laughing and talking and one or two people quietly smiling and nodding and only saying something occasionally, that/those person(s) is/are probably an introvert. It doesn't mean I'm not enjoying myself, just that I'm waiting to say something I feel is worth saying. It's why in high school I could watch my friends laugh and play video games for hours while I just sat there. Didn't need to play or engage in the conversation to have a good time.

As an example of the last two points:

When I first moved to my city, my roommates took me out the very next night for a friend's birthday. The first activity was bowling with a select group of friends, maybe 8 people tops, divided into 4 people at each lane. I was just fine talking and getting to know these new people as each interaction was one at a time, but after bowling was cake and ice cream back at someone's house, with seemingly every young single adult in the whole area invited. There were at least 80-100 people there. Within an hour, I was perched in a corner, spent and ready to go home whenever my roommates were. I had reached my new people quotient for the evening and was overwhelmed by everything going on. I wasn't quite fetal and rocking back and forth in my discomfort, but I was most definitely done. Usually, in such situations, I make sure to drive myself, so that I can retreat as soon as I'm ready. I often tell myself that if I'm not having a good time or feeling drained after a certain period of time at a party, I am free to go home. A lot of the time, I stay longer than I first intended and have a great time, but at least I have the option.

I truly am content to spend a week's worth of evenings at home before I start thinking "Oh, I think I need some face time with someone." I live alone for a reason (having people I am not committed to loving in my personal, intimate, home space is akin to hell, I have decided). I love other people, and I really am interesting, engaging, fun person to be around, and I need to have people in my life. But, I also need my solitude, so I don't go bats*** crazy and cranky and send killer death rays with my eyes just because someone asked me a polite question and invaded my personal space. If I've had enough recharge time, all of those things are tempered. Balancing my need for people and love with my need for time alone is an ongoing challenge, but I'm getting better at it.

Are any of you introverts or in a relationship with one? I'd love to hear your experiences!

In the meantime, some mandatory reading for introverts and those who love us:

Caring For Your Introvert - An excellent introduction to introversion and what it means

The Introvert's Corner - Psychology Today

The Introvert Advantage - I own this and will make my future husband read it. It's like my owner's manual.

Ew! Get a room!

As a general rule, I have no problem with PDA. (Public Displays of Affection) I have engaged in it myself, and sometimes I even enjoy observing it. Ew, not like that. Weirdo.

But this week? It's getting on my nerves.

This first example doesn't exactly count as PDA, but it's close enough. A girlfriend of mine recently started dating a new young man. I've met him, and I like him, and I'm happy for both of them. But she could tone down the "I'm in love! I'm in love! I'm in love!" Today, it went something like this "Oh man, I just haven't had any time to myself, since Boyfriend takes so much of my time, but I don't mind because I love him." "He's making me a bookcase for my birthday! I love him!" All that, and I haven't seen her in weeks, because of all the time she's been spending with said boyfriend. Oy!

Last night, I went out with a group of my friends. Turns out two of them are dating, which is news to me, and good news at that. He had his arm around her for much of the evening, and that was fine. That is, until I looked over and he was licking her. Actually licking her. Whether on her cheek or her ear I couldn't tell, but he licked her. In public. Where people could see. Where I could see. She saw me see him, and announced it to him, and I got to actually say to them both "Well now, that was awkward for me."

Tonight, I was at the store and a couple was stumbling through that I could have sworn were surgically attached to each other, much like Richandamy from Zits. I say stumbling through, because they hadn't quite perfected the two arm hug walk.

It's not even spring!

So, couples of the universe! Get a room!

Or find me a guy I can lick in front of my friends because I'm so blissed out I don't even remember they're there.

If only it were this easy (click to enlarge):

[Image has disappeared, but, basically, a guy propositions a girl at a bar and she looks up his face on a date review app with her phone and he gets half a star and terrible reviews, so she leaves.]

But then again, I'm glad it's not. I wonder what kind of reviews would be left for me? I know I'm not always the kindest person who says the best of all the guys I've dated, so I suppose it's only fair that some of them may not have the best things to say about me. Sadly, I've even heard some of the more unfortunate things being said about me after the fact, and I can even understand why that person thought that about me. In reviewing my past and sharing the ups and downs of my relationships, I do try to remember that while things may have ended badly or they didn't always treat me the way I may have deserved, or I them, that it's in the past. We've both grown up since then (hopefully), and none of us are truly evil (at least from my relationship history).

What about you? Would you prefer a Yelp! for those you date?

Chicken

In over a decade of dating, I can count on one hand the number of times I've given a guy a my phone number. You know what I mean. So you can imagine my delight on the rare occasion it happens. It's quite the compliment. Even when you're walking from your office to the neighborhood deli and some random guy says "Hey, your smile just made my day, can I have your number?" Of course, I'm not going to give it to THAT guy, but when there is a mutual spark, you both recognize it, and you exchange contact information, it's pretty sweet.

The last time this happened was at a local burger joint in May. He initiated the conversation by joking about being in my way while I was waiting for my food.

"What, from staring at the grill?"

And it continued from there. When my food arrived, I decided to see how he would respond to my indicator of interest.

"I'm Jinxie, by the way."

And then he shared his name. I realized I didn't have my phone (odd, that) or any cards on me, and even though he'd been fiddling with his phone earlier, he offered his email address, since it was pretty easy.

I should have realized this was a sign. He later tried to say he was trying to judge if I was just being friendly or if I'd really been flirting, which I'd thought I'd communicated by telling him my name. He should have more fully taken the bait.

Twenty-fours later, I emailed him. Said hi, said it was nice to talk to him. He added me on Facebook almost immediately. The rest of our conversation went something like this:

"It was nice talking to you too. Dinner sometime?"

"Love to."

"Restaurant A or Restaurant B?"

"I love restaurant A, but I've never tried B. Either sounds good to me."

"Great! When?"

"How about Wednesday or next weekend?"

crickets

For a week.

The next Thursday, the day after the first evening I'd given as an option, he started chatting with me on Facebook. After the usual pleasantries, he said he was going to lunch, "but since I'm out in A City Farther Away, I probably won't run into any certain cute girls while I'm there."

Umm, okay.

Later that afternoon, he IMs me again. I ask him how his lunch.

"Great, but I think the server was flirting with me. But she wasn't a certain cute girl, so I wasn't into it."

"Oh."

"But I think this cute girl is out of my league. Looking at her profile, she's so adventurous. She travels, she's artistic, she probably thinks I'm boring."

"You can't be a complete bore. She probably wouldn't talk to you if you were."

But all he told me when I told him that I needed to sign off was not to be a stranger.

Right then.

He's since un-friended me.

I know it can be hard to chat up a girl, but, really, what part of yes didn't he understand? I gave him all green lights, and yet he convinced himself that I couldn't possibly be interested.

This is one of those times I can honestly say it's his loss.

Let's be adults about this.

Just a few thoughts I've been working on for the past couple of days. I'll elaborate later.

1. If you are over 25 and don't live in a place with excellent public transit, perhaps you should invest in a car.
2. If you are over 25 and have finished school, perhaps you should try really hard to find a full-time job.
3. If you are over 25 and your friends have finished school and have full-time jobs, perhaps you should remember that and not expect them to be free to play when you are.
4. If you are over 25 and looking for a wife, perhaps you should not expect your dates to pay for everything because you're between gigs.

My Dope Box

Relationships are a lot like recreational drugs. They both make you feel good, make you forget the outside world, and help you not be alone during the bad times.

Consequently, coming off them is also very similar.

For example, it's a week, a month, or even a year since your breakup. You think of something that you know your ex would appreciate and you pick up the phone to call them, only to remember that you can't. Because you broke up, and, for whatever reason, are not on speaking terms.

It sucks.

Sometimes the craving to call them is so bad, you have to call someone else, anyone else, just to get it out of your system.

Just like drug withdrawals. Instead, they are person withdrawals. Your brain is still programmed to want to share your life with that person, and it's hard to resist doing so.

Fortunately, just like drug withdrawals, it gets easier over time. You find comfort in other things and people, hopefully healthier outlets, and the desire to call that ex dulls, and the pain of not being about to do so eases. Every once in a while, you might still get a craving, but they pass quickly. Of course, it's hard to remember in the heat of a particularly poignant craving, but it really does get better.

Another similarity is the dope box. For a recovering drug addict, their dope box might include a marijuana pipe, a joint roller, a syringe, or whatever paraphernalia their particular addiction required.

My dope box is a little cedar box that contains a year's worth of love notes, and probably should contain a certain pair of earrings. Of all the things I've collected from boyfriends past, these are the things that are just too personal to actually use or display. I do have some gifts for boyfriends past that I have out or use, like some jewelry, a book, a glass sculpture, and they often do remind me of the ones who gave them to me, but not like the notes or that pair of earrings do.

And I just can't bring myself to get rid of it.

Like a successfully recovering addict, I have no intention of doing anything with the items in my dope box. Every once in awhile, I might see it and read an old note or two, but I mostly keep it tucked away, with a mental note of sentimental value and a reminder of how far I've come since then.

I miss the writer of those notes sometimes, but I don't crave him anymore. In fact, since the writer leaving on a mission was the reason we broke up, I was prepared in advance for the relationship's end, which could be likened to a nicotine patch or a step down program, if I were to keep making the metaphors.

Incidentally (meaning I was planning this post before I found out), the ex I was most addicted to just got engaged, and I'm feeling rather unsettled about it. I don't want him back and I don't usually crave him specifically anymore, but it's still weird. It also means that all of my ex-boyfriends are engaged or married, leaving no one in the same single predicament I'm in. That probably deserves a post on its own. Also, sadly, the version of this ex that I know wasn't ready for a temple wedding, and hearing that he's getting married in the temple, I don't really believe he's ready, even though enough time has past that he could be.

You can, honestly, be addicted to anything - food, drugs, sex - anything that stimulates the pleasure center of your brain. As always, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

Accidental Flirting, the second

The second time I accidentally flirted I was older and wiser. But it still left me thinking, "What in the world was he thinking?"

I was at a party for a friend and a guy I didn't know but had said hi to at the food table stated to the room that he was leaving. So I jokingly called out bye and that I'd miss him. Didn't think anything of it again until my friend told me later that the guy was asking for a way to contact me.

Sure. Why not. I'll go out with him. What harm can it do?

We went to dinner and it was casual and nice. Nothing much. He wanted to get together again. Why not?

This time we went to a near-by city for a double date with his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend. I didn't realize she was an ex at the time, just thought she was a friend. He spent the whole drive there on the phone with her. Without anything else coming from that night, spending the first hour of a date on a phone with anyone is bad. Spending it on the phone with an ex is real bad.

We arrived. Ate some dinner. Played a board game. And we went home. It wasn't the worst date I'd ever been on, but there were not going to be any more.

And that was all I thought of it. Until a week or so later when my friend told me that the guy had decided he didn't want to date me because I was so forward and basically crass. He'd told my friend that I'd pressed my breasts against his head.

What?!?!?

You know, you'd think I'd remember that. In fact, I would remember that. So the fact that I don't remember that means it didn't happen.

I've never seen the guy since. But that day my friend lost some of my respect because he'd initially believed that about me. As he later thought about it he realized that this guy had a huge personal space bubble, so if my breasts had come within three feet of his head it would've been too close to him.

Still, the dangers of flirting. Always make sure you know what you are aiming at.

Accidental Flirting, the first

I have two stories of accidental flirting. You would think flirting accidentally would be kind of hard to do since most consider it a skill they do not have. Yet I've somehow managed to do it. The first was an innocent enough accident. I thought I was just being nice and friendly, he was a pervert. Okay, maybe not completely, but it was definitely wrong.

I'd just recently turned 14 (remember my age) and was attending my very first youth conference. It was a tri-stake one, so all the youth ages 14-17 from my city and the neighboring city were there for a two day event. On the first day, a Friday, we met at a national park for games and activities. I, being a rather nice person, talked to people there. One person I talked to happened to be a 21 year-old chaperon who had just returned from a mission for the church.

So we've set the scene. Me, 14, friendly chatter. Him, 21, odd social skills.

He decided I was flirting with him and started to pursue me. By the second day I was pretty freaked out by this guy. What had I done to make him think that his attention was wanted and okay? AAAhhhh!!!

Now, a seven year difference isn't necessarily a bad thing. 32 and 25 can really work out well. But when one of them is currently still two years away from even getting a license, what was he thinking?!?

The young women in my ward realized this was going on and that it was bad, and so together with the young men in my ward they made sure I was not alone for the rest of the conference. For the Saturday night dance the young men kept me out on the dance floor all night so that the chaperon never got a chance to get to me. Never saw him again.

Pretty funny story now, but seriously, what was he thinking?