Bridal shower

Today, some darling friends threw me a bridal shower. They offered shortly after our engagement, which was incredibly kind of them, and it was really lovely. At first it was awkward, though only on my end, because I'm not always the center of attention. Then I relaxed and just enjoyed being in the company of wonderful women whom I love and who love me and who are so happy for me.

Were there a few no-shows that I missed? Of course, but that's okay. I was more than blessed by the presence of those who did come.

Naturally, the awkwardness returned as I opened a couple of the gifts, but even so, I knew I was safe in their company. I anticipate everything will come in handy!

It was a great few hours. I am truly a blessed woman!

Things I won't say

That I won't cry if Campbell gets engaged to this girl he's dating.

That I'm completely over even the idea of a relationship with him.

That I'm not a tiny bit shallow because I think she has bad skin and brassy hair and that I'm prettier.

That I'm not a tiny bit at peace with it all.

That we didn't have potential for something awesome.

That I don't miss his friendship.

That I'm not confused by the way things worked out.

I will say that I wish I understood why we were such good friends if he's not going to be part of my life ever again.

I will also say that I'm working on a much longer post wherein I try to be philosophical and hopeful even though another Person With Potential no longer has any potential.

It's hard. What's that line from "When Harry Met Sally"? Oh yes--Marie turns to Jess and says, "Tell me I'll never have to be out there again," and Jess replies, "You'll never have to be out there again." Out There kind of sucks. This whole balancing act between not liking someone enough and liking them too much JUST IN CASE he might or might not like-like you back? It's stupid. It's exhausting. I'm tired. I'm usually optimistic enough to accept set-ups (few and far between as they are) with good humor and an open mind, but the latest guy, The Professor (I think that's what I'll call him if anything pans out), has been exchanging emails with me for a month and hasn't made a single move. All I really want is the reassurance that I don't have to be on this particular balance beam/roller coaster/seesaw very much longer, and that there will come a day (soon, please) where I know I'll never have to be Out There again.

I won't say I'm looking forward to much of anything right now. Sigh.

Disappointed

I was able to spend my evening in the temple after a day of (bits of) reorganizing and dejunking and I felt SO GREAT after I was done in the temple, and then I went to the store and was hit with a wave of disappointment. I'm not entirely sure what set it off, but I know part of it had to do with the sudden awareness that someone avoided me and I don't know why he did. He flashed past my peripheral vision on his way to the check-out and by the time I realized he'd walked right past without even a nod, he was gone. He also isn't following my Twitter feed anymore, which just added to the disappointment. I'm fully aware that sometimes I whine and complain on Twitter--it's a defense mechanism, I guess, so I don't take it out on people within a physical radius--but I've tried really hard to be positive or at least funny. Maybe I'm not positive or funny enough, but then I saw a group of friends at a wedding reception last night who kept telling me how positive and funny I was. Go figure.

As I ate my very late dinner of peanut butter toast and a glass of milk, I got to thinking about other recent disappointments:

David tells me how great I am, asks when I'm going to visit him, consults me on his house remodel, says if he had a million dollars he'd buy me a new car, tells me I'm pretty. . .and then vents about how he can't find anyone pretty/smart/faithful enough to marry.

Campbell hasn't talked to me in more than 3 months and I don't know what I did to earn his repulsion. The last time he talked to me, he mentioned how he hadn't been able to find anyone to interest him so he was resorting to an online dating profile--keep in mind he said all this while showing me pictures of his family and sitting right next to me on my couch and complimenting my outfit and remembering conversations we had months ago and winking at me occasionally. What gives?!

The General obviously thinks I'm too old for him, even though we're barely a year apart. I saw him this week, too, and he updated me on his life after giving me a great big hug, but I know he's more interested in chasing 20-year-olds (and acting like one) than in someone who can meet him intellectually.

Ken has known me for almost 20 years and is one of the funniest and sweetest people I know, and on the rare occasions we actually see each other, we seem to get along pretty well and have a variety of mutual interests. There's probably potential for something at some point (I know that could be the case with a lot of people), but we live 40 miles apart and I'm not nearly as athletic as the girls he probably wants to date.

Super Girl seems to change her personality to exactly match whoever she's dating, and this time is no exception. It's bad enough that I'm worried I won't even be able to talk to her again without feeling like I'm being judged for everything from what I eat to the books I read. She's a strong, independent woman who has done SO much to improve her life that it kills me to see her subsume so much of herself just because she's seeing someone new. I feel like I've lost the close friend I had a couple of years ago, and I don't know if it's even worth fixing now.

Diane moved back to the state to live with her parents and transfer to another job, and I am almost emotionally exhausted just thinking about her living in the same city as me again. Needless to say, I am ignoring any attempts on her part to renew a relationship of any kind. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to let that person back into your life, right?

So, I am having one of those rare "why aren't I good enough" nights. I feel exactly good enough in the temple, exactly good enough around a few people, but there are times I wonder what in the world is wrong with me--am I not friendly enough? Don't I laugh enough? Do I have hobbies that are too weird? Is it a turn-off that I love cats and babies? Should I make more of an effort to wear mascara every day? Am I too smart or opinionated? Am I too much of a homebody? Am I just too old?

Sometimes I honestly don't understand what part of me is so horrifying that no one wants to spend any time with me.

So Very Thankful

I spent Thanksgiving today with friends. It wasn't what I originally wanted to do for the holiday. First, I wanted to do what I did last year - road trip to an aunt's house - but I had to stay in town because of commitments this weekend. Then, I wanted to host, but my current living situation does not lend itself to large dinner parties or even the ability to cook a whole turkey. I needed a co-host, but the potential co-hosts I considered and I seem to be going through a rough patch and I didn't know what to do.

So, I was immensely grateful when another friend stepped up and opened her home to anyone in need of a place to go. I was still able to cook something, which I really enjoy and part of why I wanted to host in the first place. Mostly, I still able to share a meal and spend time with people whose company I enjoy, even if they're friends I've only known for a relatively short time and some I only just met today.

It's the people in my life that make it worth living. Even when family is far away and my long time my friends are being weird, there are newer friends, truly good people, who I can call on to be there for me and I for them. Even if they come and go, there is always someone there. New friends. Old friends. Near friends. Far friends. Someone.

And even when no one seems to be there, no matter how hard you try, we all have the ultimate friend in Jesus Christ.

I am not alone. And neither are you.

For that, I am truly thankful.

Four old guys

In several movies I like there is almost what could amount to a Greek chorus. This chorus of minor characters is made up of four older guys who serve to provide guidance for the main characters and comic relief for the plot. Several years ago, after watching these movies (The Rookie & Return to Me specifically) a few times, I decided I wanted my own group of "four old guys." So I thought about who I could invite and then formally asked them if they would be one of my "four old guys" or "FOG" as they called themselves. The membership changed a bit over the years, but it's roughly remained the same. They took exception to being called old until I explained that it simply meant "older than me."

Earlier this year I read a story on NPR - "Life-Changing Health Scare Leads to 'Council of Dads'". A father, faced with a possible life threatening illness, together with his wife, picked out men in their lives who could step in and fill certain roles in the life of their child. They created a council of dads to help step in if he was not there. It was a very touching story.

I love my dad very much and nobody can take his place. My four old guys in no way took the place of my dad. But if companies can have a board of directors, there's nothing to say that a person can't either. My four old guys and my women provide talents and expertise that I don't have.

Feelin' good

[update]

JT and his girlfriend have recently broken up, once and for all, and he's having a hard time with it. Consequently, we've been spending a lot more time together, as he needs a friend and we can see each other without stressing about how the girl is going to react. We're being very communicative, and making sure he's not rebounding with me or abusing our friendship. Minus the heartache he's experiencing, and how sad it makes me to see someone so sad, all is well between us. We're just friends, and we're good.

[/update]

Last night, JT and I were lounging on his couch and talking. He asked "How are you? Any unmet needs or concerns?"

"Not really. I'm good."

And I meant it, and it feels amazing.

My women

I've never been one who had a ton of girl friends. I had friends, but I never just hung out at the mall with another girl. I certainly was not one who spent hours on the phone talking with someone. I just didn't do the "normal" teenage girl with friends thing. I have a handful of friends, gender has always been heterogeneous, and that's worked out very well.

But in the last year while I still maintain that I don't have "girls" in my life, I do have my women.

These are grown women. They've experienced hardship in their lives. I can't think of any hardship that more than one of them have faced actually, so there's quite the range of hardship going on. They've grown from their experiences. They've been strengthened by them. They've been beautified by them. They are a shoulder to cry on when things go bad because they've cried too. They are a smile to laugh with when things go great because they've laughed too. They are women.

I don't actually happen to live near any of my women at this time. They are spread across this country. But I know that I can always call or email and they will share in whatever emotion I am going through at the time.

Just a side note. But during my one try at therapy several years ago the therapist told me that three of my women weren't good enough friends for me because they were married and I wasn't so they were too busy for me. HA! I was the one with the schedule we were working around. I didn't go back to that therapist. It is because of their range of experiences that differs from mine that I can lean on them.

And I've begun to feel that all women are connected. We all need each other. We need to lean on each other's shoulders and provide our shoulders for others to lean on. We need to laugh together. We need to cry together. Perhaps if we all lived in the same village a hundred years ago we would've been getting together monthly for quilting bees or sock darning parties or what have you. It's that kind of a feeling. And time has simply changed how we do that.

Mother's day is next week. And while I wouldn't classify any of these women as mother figures for me, I want to take time to honor them as well. Because I truly stand among noble women.

Accidental Flirting, the first

I have two stories of accidental flirting. You would think flirting accidentally would be kind of hard to do since most consider it a skill they do not have. Yet I've somehow managed to do it. The first was an innocent enough accident. I thought I was just being nice and friendly, he was a pervert. Okay, maybe not completely, but it was definitely wrong.

I'd just recently turned 14 (remember my age) and was attending my very first youth conference. It was a tri-stake one, so all the youth ages 14-17 from my city and the neighboring city were there for a two day event. On the first day, a Friday, we met at a national park for games and activities. I, being a rather nice person, talked to people there. One person I talked to happened to be a 21 year-old chaperon who had just returned from a mission for the church.

So we've set the scene. Me, 14, friendly chatter. Him, 21, odd social skills.

He decided I was flirting with him and started to pursue me. By the second day I was pretty freaked out by this guy. What had I done to make him think that his attention was wanted and okay? AAAhhhh!!!

Now, a seven year difference isn't necessarily a bad thing. 32 and 25 can really work out well. But when one of them is currently still two years away from even getting a license, what was he thinking?!?

The young women in my ward realized this was going on and that it was bad, and so together with the young men in my ward they made sure I was not alone for the rest of the conference. For the Saturday night dance the young men kept me out on the dance floor all night so that the chaperon never got a chance to get to me. Never saw him again.

Pretty funny story now, but seriously, what was he thinking?

Congratulations Roxie!

Roxie is now Mrs. Handsome Prince! She looks gorgeous. He looks, well, handsome. They both look radiant and so happy. And Trixie and I are so happy for them!

Just look how happy we all are!

Hooray weddings and friends and love!

-Posted wirelessly by Jinxie

We're all together again!

For the first time in over two years, all three of us were together in the same place. It was marvelous! The occasion? Roxie's wedding shower, which was one of the, if not the, best I've ever attended.

I love these women. I'm so blessed to have them in my life. To celebrate our bond, and the bonds Roxie has with the other women in her life, made for a wonderful evening.

We mostly talk about our relationships with the menfolk here, but it's important to remember the other relationships we have as well. The one I share with Roxie and Trixie? I think it's for keeps!


- Posted wirelessly by Jinxie

Lacking a Default

Most people have a default person - the one person they can just about always count on to be there when they want to hang out, talk, go to an event, or just watch tv. This doesn't mean that they do everything together, just that there is always someone around they can be with if they so choose. Usually, the feeling is mutual. Each person is the other person's default. It can be their best friend, a roommate, or a family member. The luckiest among us are those whose default is their significant other.

For example, for Roxie, it's HP. For my brother, it's his best friend. Trixie may not have just one default, but she lives in close proximity to her family and other friends she has known and loved for years. Roxie, Trixie, and I all have each other, but mostly just for talking. Meredith Grey and Christina Yang.

In the past, I've had a default. For a period of time after I graduated from high school, I was either in a relationship or had Trixie. Or both. Or Trixie and a male best friend. I almost always had someone with whom I could spend time, and they wanted to spend time with me and we'd make lots of time for each other. No matter what, I always knew someone was there, and even if my usual default weren't, I lived rather close to my family and other good friends (like Roxie!).

Except now. I moved far, far away from anyone I've ever known, and even though I've been in this new city for nigh on four years, I still don't have anyone like that. No one here has been there consistently enough to be considered my default yet.

It's ridiculously hard. I do have friends and it's not like I never spend time with anyone else, but there is no one person I can always, always count on.

I try. I do. I make time for people. I go out and get to know them. I invite friends out and they invite me, and a week in which I never see or speak to my local friends is fairly rare. It's just not the same friend or even group of friends, not for long.

And besides just being patient and knowing that something will give sooner or later and that I'm not really alone, I don't know what else I can do. I am grateful for the time I do have with others, and I try to make the most of it.

I very definitely need my me time and I'm usually comfortable with how much time I spend alone, but the times I really want to spend time with someone else, I wish I knew who I could always call.

Where do I belong?

This is when it's good to have a place where I can be anonymous. Because I'm not complaining. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm simply getting words off my chest.

About two and a half months ago I wrote a post comparing some people in the area to some characters in the Wizard of Oz. I just didn't feel like I fit in with them. The Boyfriend got a kick out of the analogy but doesn't remember the flying monkeys in the movie. He thinks they must be pretty cool.

Recently I was reading a book about communities and how they create an espirit de corps. For each group there is a type of initiation into the group. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I really don't belong in two of the major communities in my life - where I work and the social group around me. I know people, but I definitely am not a part of the group. And that's hard at work. And might be why I still miss my old job. But I've never really been much of a social person and so that hasn't been too big of a deal for me for the most part. There's never been any kind of initiation for me into those groups.

So then it gets to be night and I start to wonder why I'm not a part of everything. Am I really as weird as a flying monkey? What could I do differently? And even, why does it bother me? And the most important question - why isn't there any chocolate at my place?

And then I remember that I am loved. I do have friends, they're just slightly spread out across the country. And I go to bed and things look better in the morning.

Secrets

If I ever send anything into Post Secret, it will be this:

You don't know this, and it might not even matter to you, but I was happier during the five minutes you spontaneously held my hand than I was on a good day with my ex-fiance.

Funny how, upon looking back, I can see how unhappy I was. It's hard to explain, because I was happy: happy that I'd found someone who loved me back, happy to be starting a new life with someone I loved, happy at the prospect of becoming part of his amazing family, happy to have my future right there beside me, filling in that empty spot I'd felt so painfully just a few months before we started dating. At the same time, however, I wasn't happy. My aunt told me that she'd never seen me so stressed, that the reports from my mother made her worry for me. (And she should know, having been in an emotionally abusive and manipulative marriage during her 20s.) It startled me to hear her say it out loud in my car while I was giving her a ride back to her house from a family gathering several months ago. I wasn't happy and I didn't really know it until someone who cared deeply for me finally told me.

Then, a few months ago, someone I'm going to call Campbell and I ended up at the same guest lecture and, while walking back to my office, he reached down and just held my hand. It was only for five or ten minutes, but in that short amount of time I realized very forcefully how happy I was just being with him. That realization came in stark contrast to how unsure I often felt with The Ex even on our best days. There was a tiny part of my brain that never trusted him and was sometimes scared of him, but with Campbell, it was completely different. I felt purely happy and apparently it showed, because we ran into a coworker of mine and later this coworker asked me how long Campbell and I had been dating and commented on how happy and peaceful I looked. It's hard not to read anything into that, even months later.

I visited Campbell at work the other night, on my way home from another event, and felt the same way. No matter what was happening, I felt comfortable and save with him. I didn't even get self-conscious about eating in front of him (he waits tables at one of my favorite restaurants and I was hungry that night) or about saying something stupid.

I can't say what's going to happen, but I can say that I am happy when I am with him, confident in myself whether or not I'm dressed up and wearing makeup, and that being with Campbell somehow fills a part of my soul. Maybe someday I'll tell him.

Maybe not. A wise Buddhist friend of mine said "do what you feel good about, and let the rest take care of itself. Don't worry--things work out." I have faith that no matter what, things will work out and I'll be happy. Right now, I want to be happy with him but I'm peaceful about the situation and I'm not worried. Much. :)

It's my life, not yours

I like to think I'm pretty good with words. But there are those I find who can express my thoughts so much better than I could. This is one of those times. Saturday, Manolo For the Brides wrote a post called "Whose Decision?" Should that really be a question we are asking? But it is. And it has to be asked too often.

I am surrounded by people who love me. And I know this because they all have opinions about what I should be doing with my life. If they didn't love me they wouldn't care enough to tell me what to do. Right?

Ever since meeting the boyfriend over three years ago... Okay, that's wrong. Since about six months after meeting the boyfriend, I've been hearing from one person or another that he just needs to marry me, that if he didn't act soon it meant he was leading me on and just playing with me, that there must be something wrong with him if he hadn't already married me, that if we aren't already married then I'm just wasting my time with him, that I should just dump him since he hadn't married me already. And many more such statements that I can't specifically remember at this time.

Seriously people! It's not your life!

I do talk a lot about my life and my relationships, but that does not mean that these people know everything there is to know about the relationship, that they have all the details of the issues he and I have been working through. In fact, I don't talk about the big issues/problems much at all. I believe that the issues a couple is working through should be worked through by the couple. I do not want to have told someone else about it and then after it's been resolved, still have that other person not yet over it. It's why I don't tell my mom about disagreements or such I have with a boyfriend. If we work through it and I end up marrying the guy, I don't want my mom to have past bad feelings for him when I'm clearly over it.

As to the boyfriend, there have been some pretty big issues that have come up between us, issues that unless they were resolved wouldn't have contributed to a healthy marriage. They are also issues I haven't told anyone else about. So leave us in peace to work through them. When we're ready, we'll get married.

And the comments of "it's about time" or "I don't know what's taking you so long" are generally not appreciated. It will be in the time it's supposed to be. And of course you don't know what's taking so long, you don't need to know.

A friend of mine asked this week what had changed between the boyfriend and I since we'd voiced our love to each other. Honestly, pretty much nothing has changed. This friend said that we had a pretty solid relationship so they weren't surprised nothing had changed. And how did we get that solid relationship? By working through our issues on our own in our own time.

Impending...

Well, yes, it's been several months since I've posted here. I sometimes feel like I don't have much to contribute, because I don't really date and it honestly gets boring when all I have to talk about is my knitting and my cats (I'm such a spinster!). But today, I have something I need to get out of my system before I cry here at work. A man (we'll call him David) I consider to be one of my closest friends is moving to a different state in three weeks. There are a lot of emotions in my head and heart about this right now and I'll do my best to keep them more or less coherent and easy to follow.

First, a brief history: David and I met almost eight years ago (eight years in June) and seemed to hit it off well. I spent a lot of that summer with him and his friends, and everyone we knew wanted us to date. That never happened (and that's ok) but it could have. We spent so much time together. I also spent a lot of time at his house the next summer, when I was literally going crazy with depression and anxiety about some other events in my life. (When I say depression, I mean the full-on, actually diagnosed, suicidal, not eating, not sleeping version, which lasted for almost two years, not the "oh I missed 'Friends' I'm so depressed" version. Just to clarify.) I felt safe with him--safe enough that I fell asleep on his bed one night while he and his best friend "Jimmy" were fixing a computer, and I can't sleep anywhere but in my own bed. He saw me spiral down, and then he moved back home to California that August. He'd call or IM me almost every day for 6 months as I continued to plummet, and when he came back the next April, he was the person who tried to make me eat. At one point, he confronted me about being anorexic; years later I realized that he was the only one of my friends at the time who was concerned enough to risk our friendship. I wasn't anorexic, but it certainly seemed like it because my depression caused nearly complete loss of appetite and no one really saw me eat anything--I just wasn't hungry.

He was there the night I finally hit bottom, over a year after the event that triggered the depression. I cried to him for three hours and at the end of it, he said "You need to remember that you are a good person no matter what happened. None of this is your fault, and I want you to promise me that you'll stop thinking that" and gave me a big warm hug.

A year later, I ended up dating his neighbor for a few weeks, and then I stopped going to David's house for games every Sunday because I still wasn't better and there were a couple of people there who triggered some very weird moments in my brain. Not long after I stopped going to his house every weekend, he started dating someone I (mistakenly) didn't approve of. We butted heads about her several times, until it finally came to a head and he chewed me out in an email. We stopped talking for several months, until I became engaged to Ray and was more stable. Meanwhile, David and Anne were becoming more and more serious, and because I wasn't so crazy anymore, I could finally see her good qualities and what an amazing person she was (and still is). David and I patched things up, and I was able to be there for both him and Anne when they broke off their engagement, just like they were for me when Ray broke up with me for no good reason exactly two months after asking me to marry him.

In the ensuing couple of years David and I have reestablished a pretty good relationship. Looking back on all of it, I am overwhelmed by exactly how much I value, respect, and love him. This man met me when I was normal and stable and happy, watched me fall apart both emotionally and physically, saw me through hell and back, helped me get through my own broken engagement, offered to break Ray's knees for hurting me so badly, was willing (and happy!) to renew our friendship after so long, was patient with me when I hated him, and has been an incredible support and example.

He's moving in three weeks. This move will be good for him. He'll finally get away from "Diane", who has been trying to convince him to marry her ever since she elbowed me out of his life while pretending to be my "best friend". She won't take no for an answer, and he's told her no several times. She is manipulative, selfish, demanding, and needy, and he can't extricate himself from her because she always finds a way back in. Now, part of this is his fault, and he knows it, but I've felt for a long time (ever since he and Anne broke up) that he needs to get back to his home turf, get the desert back into his bones, and reset his life. I know this will be good for him, and I know he'll be better for it, but it still hurts that he's really leaving. I love him very much, and even though the likelihood of us ever getting to a romantic relationship is remote (despite the attraction to each other we've both confessed), and even though we'll have the Internet and phones and he's offered his extra bedroom to me when he buys a house, I feel like part of me is already missing. He is truly one of the best people I've ever met and I will miss him more than I can really express. I don't know if he'll ever really comprehend everything he's done for me, and I can only hope that I've done anything remotely close for him.

I hope I have.

May is going to be a hard month.

We're off to see the Wizard

Do you ever just feel like you don't fit in?

I'm not one of the girls here. I'm known and liked, but I'm definitely on the fringe. At least with the vast majority of people here. There are a few that I would consider close friends. Just about everyone else feels more like a good acquaintance, and I'm not sure why. I'm not sure what I did or didn't do that's left me on the edge. You'd think living in a place for a year you'd make friends, but really, the good friends are kind of limited here. There are good acquaintances, but it doesn't get deeper than that.

The other night at an activity I went to sit with a circle of three girls that I would think I should be closer to. But I'm not. It just felt real weird to sit down with the three of them. First it felt like I'd stepped into a secret meeting I wasn't invited to, and then to realize that I've known them all a year and yet I still don't feel like they know me or I know them.

So then I started wondering what was wrong with me.

And of course I started thinking about them too. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized who I'm dealing with - the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion.

First, the Tin Man. She's an amazing organizer person. I'm sure if physics would let her, she'd organize entropy. She's that good at it. But at the same time it's like she's emotionally disconnected from it all.

The Scarecrow is nice enough. But she's also disconnected in her own way. It's like only 80% of her shows up at any one time and you know that what you are saying isn't going much deeper than the ears. She's kind of just living her life willy-nilly with whatever comes up. There's a haze that surrounds her and I haven't found the fog light to see through it yet.

The Cowardly Lion has a huge heart. But she's always in the shadows. She's always behind others. She doesn't shine. She doesn't even approach anything resembling drama.

All three of them are similar in age to me. And all three of them are also single. And part of me wonders if it isn't the missing heart, brain, or courage that's holding them back. And if that's the case, then what am I missing?

So then I started wondering who I am. Am I Toto who's just there because and has no real role? Am I the wizard, using tricks and illusions to hide what a sham I am? I'm pretty sure I'm not Glenda. Could I be the Wicked Witch of the West? A flying monkey? Am I the Wicked Witch of the East and I just don't know that a house has fallen on me yet (although there are times it feels almost like that)? Do I represent the Lolly-Pop Guild?

Or are we all just Dorthy and haven't been able to find our way home yet? Will I get to the end of the road and realize it was as simple as tapping my heels together?

Just tell me I didn't somehow get turned around and I'm now going backwards on the Yellow-Brick Road.