I could remember my pains no more

When I was lonely and single, especially when I was hurt and sad and angry and frustrated, whether at an individual or the whole single situation, I knew, somehow, that whomever I ended up finding and marrying would be worth the wait and the hurt. That, like Alma in The Book of Mormon in Alma 36:20, I would be able to say: "And oh, what joy , and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!"

I experienced this while Roscoe and I were dating and engaged - I was so happy and knew that happiness would grow for the rest of forever that it already made up for everything I had gone through while I was waiting for him.

What I really hadn't considered was verse 19: "And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more." Alma couldn't even remember the hurt.

Last night, Roscoe and I were watching TV together and a main character was breaking up with his girlfriend, who has been a supporting character this season. She'd done nothing wrong, he'd just realized he was in love with someone else, and so he ended it.

Watching her cry, knowing I'd been in similar situations of being blindsided by a breakup, I realized that if I'd been watching that episode a year ago, I probably would have been hit with at least a twinge of how much that sucks and hurts.

This time, sitting with and holding the hand of my husband of five weeks, I felt nothing. I was sad for her (though, admittedly, happier that this character was going to get back to his real love), but I felt nothing for me. I ran through some names in my head of jerks in my past and nothing, no hurt, no sadness, just peace and happiness for the life ahead. I truly "could remember my pains no more."

Of course, I paused the show, told Roscoe about this and just how happy he makes me. He's amazing.

It also reminds me of the Atonement, which is why Alma could no longer remember his pains. It's not just about the pain of sin, but of the pain of disease, injury, and even heartache. Jesus took that all on Himself so that we could overcome them and continue on our path of eternal progression.

It's an amazing blessing and I am feeling very grateful for it today!

Grateful

I felt at the beginning of this year that some major changes were going to happen in my life.  Now, toward the end, and on a day of gratitude, I can look back and see what they are.  It's been a difficult year in many ways, but I'm grateful for what I've learned.  I'm grateful to be able to look around my neighborhood and see families gathered together in warm houses, the yellow lights in the windows reflecting the sunset.  I'm grateful that, although it has problems and should be replaced soon, my car has a good engine and brakes and is paid for.  I'm grateful I have my own tools.  I'm grateful that I can help my family, both financially and emotionally.  I'm grateful I can pay tithing and know that those funds aren't being abused.  I'm grateful for my soft heart and generous spirit--I cry over animals I've never met, and I always wish I could give more than I can.  I'm grateful for my family.  We don't always get along (my youngest sister isn't talking to my oldest brother right now, and it's hard) but I know that through the sealing power we can be together forever.

Most of all, though, I'm grateful for the constant reminders that my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me and know who I am.  I don't always understand why They want me to do certain things, but I know there are good reasons and if I do those things, I will be blessed.  I'm grateful I can feel God's hand guiding me daily, and that I know Jesus Christ died to redeem me from my sins.

Life is good.

For time and all eternity

In one month from today, Roscoe and I will be entering the temple to sealed for time and all eternity. Forever! What a blessing!

From the church website about temples:

Sealing

Another temple ordinance is the sealing ordinance, in which husbands and wives are sealed to each other and children are sealed to their parents in eternal families. This means that if we are faithful to our covenants, our family relationships will continue for eternity. People sometimes also refer to this ordinance as “temple marriage” or “eternal marriage.”

This is the kind of marriage I have always wanted and I'm so happy to have found someone who will enter into that covenant with me! 

Choosing to marry as an introvert

Once upon a time, both Roxie and I shared our thoughts about relationships and introversion. My thoughts are here, Roxie's are here.

Before I met Roscoe, I was worried about how I would make the transition from interminably single to married. Since I am older and more set in my ways than your average Mormon child bride, I was worried about that too. Roscoe and I remember talking at the beginning of our relationship about how I might want to go off and do my own thing and get space once in a while. I had hope that I would be able to let someone into my life, especially permanently, without having a "people hangover", but I didn't know how that was going to happen.

Well, as Roxie has been telling for a while now, when there is love and choice in the matter, it's a lot easier than you think! Roscoe and I see each other EVERY day. I can't remember the last time I didn't see him at some point during our day.

And I can't get enough of him.

It helps a LOT that he is an introvert as well, has similar social behavior to my own when we're out at church or with friends and is perfectly content doing his own thing when we're just us and one of us has something we need to accomplish, though we spend our mutual leisure time doing the same activity.

Right now, we're in our huge apartment together, with triple the square footage of the apartment we spent the majority of our courtship in, and there might be an inch between us on the couch. He's doing his project for the evening and I'm doing mine. We lightly touch the other (he just rubbed the back of his hand on my leg) or request a kiss or talk as we are so moved to, but, if anything, we're feeding off each other's presence without draining the other's energy.

It might be different when we're seeing each other in the mornings too, but on the occasions where we are practically together from waking up to going to sleep (mostly Saturdays and Sundays), I still don't get tired of being around him, and I can't say that for the vast majority of people I know. Especially not many days in a row.

We considered it a sign that after 10 days of traveling to meet each other's families and being practically inseparable during that time we didn't want to part ways when our trip was over and go back to our own homes, even though we knew we'd see each other the next evening. We never fought once during that trip and didn't need to take "space".

It's awesome and certainly better than I might have hoped!

Whirlwind

Hello strangers. Last we spoke, I was giving online dating a shot. I went on a few dates, mostly duds. Well, all duds eventually. John Denver also turned out to be a disaster.

So I threw myself back into school and work and the single life I actually enjoyed.

And then I got a layoff notice.

And then I met someone.

And I spent the summer unemployed and falling in love (and doing some school work) and blogging was not high on my priority list.

And now? I'm getting married next month! And planning our wedding! And moving into our new apartment! Oh, and I'm working part-time and prepping for graduation next semester.

So, life is busy, but oh so wonderful. My fiancé, Roscoe Jones, is amazing and I can't wait to be his wife!

I'm going to try and use some of this month's NaBloPoMo and tell some of our story. Or talk about wedding plans. Or, on busy days, share some of my favorite quotes about love.

I am an incredibly blessed woman. Roscoe has definitely been worth the wait!

Delight

Remember last time how someone mentioned I was a "young 36" and I thought part of it is that I'm still curious and sometimes silly?

Tonight, I watched "This Old House" with my family and was absolutely delighted at the tools and techniques and innovation they show every episode. I loved hearing them describe how different tools do different jobs. I enjoyed watching them demonstrate an innovative techniqe. I was fascinated by how things were put together. I wanted to learn more about some specific tools and materials!

Tonight, I put sparkly nail polish on my fingernails and am so delighted by it that I keep getting distracted while I type because it's so pretty.

This morning, I was so delighted by a small boy's running and playing that I clapped my hands and grinned like crazy.

This afternoon, I went to my church to check for some equipment I need for my lesson tomorrow, and was delighted to find the library had exactly what I was looking for.

This morning, I met a sweet cocker spaniel/blue heeler cross who licked my hand and I laughed with delight while I stroked her soft ears and watched her walk around the room.

There is SO MUCH in this world that is delightful!

Insecurities

If there was one thing I could change about my body it would be the hair on my legs. (And my eyes, I'd get them lasik-ed, we're working on that.) No matter how I remove the hair on my legs, the hair can't figure out how to grow back. I've shaved. I've done several different chemicals - got a first degree burn on my legs once doing that. I've finally settled on an epilator because that's the easiest upkeep and there's no stubble.

No matter how I do it though I end up with ingrown hairs that leave my legs looking like I got attacked by an entire swarm of mosquitos. I've had inch long hairs finally come out before. It's crazy. I see other women with their spotless legs and can't help having a little bit of envy. I exfoliate real well and that helps a little, but there's always at least a few spots on my legs. And I'm VERY self-conscious about it.

Which is why the comments people make about my legs stick in my memory something good. It's my major insecurity about how I look and when people comment it feeds my insecurity because it indicates that people are noticing and wondering what is wrong with me. I've had several people make comments about bug bites. I've had a few people ask me if I had issues shaving. It's not fun because I really do like the shape of my legs a lot, but I'm embarrassed to show them off because of the way my skin is.

HP is a legs man. He's mentioned that to me several times. And he's mentioned to me several times how much he really likes my legs. Not once though has he ever said anything about the spots. And that means a lot to me. I've thanked him for that a few times and he always replies with something along the lines of, "What spots?"

Without even knowing my insecurities he calms them down. He's a good man.

And, because I love comics, here's another good man helping calm his wife's insecurities - For Better of For Worse

Beauty or Beastly?

I must say I was rather intrigued to read about dating on Scientific American. Many things intrigue me there, which is why I browse it regularly. But the science of dating always seems a bit odd. This particular article is titled "Play Up That Ugly Trait" which is definitely attention grabbing.

After analyzing lots of data on an online dating site they found a correlation between how much attention she got and how controversial her beauty was rated. We're going to ignore the whole rating beauty thing right now because that has other issues. It seems that when some men thought a women was beautiful and other men thought she definitely wasn't, the woman got a lot more messages than if all the men thought she was beautiful.

Of course you can't assign cause to correlation, but it is an interesting observation nonetheless.

I think for me, I don't need everyone to think I'm beautiful/smart/lovable, as long as the people that matter do. The rest of the world can hate me for it, sometimes that just makes things more interesting.

Wrapping Up?

Well, I'm the last one to post for NaBloPoMo, so I suppose it's up to me to wrap up. Or not. Sometimes I'm contrary. :)

One of the things I've noticed about participating in NaBloPoMo, and this blog in general, is that I often don't feel as though I have anything relevant to say. But what am I expected to say? What is relevant to being single that isn't also relevant to being married? I worry about dying alone, but doesn't everyone? As far as I can see, the only appreciable difference between a single person and a married person is relationship status. We both worry about family, money, housing, cars, jobs, church callings, the world around us. I don't have my own children, but I worry about and love my nieces and nephews, my cousins' and friends' children, and the children in my ward. I am one of four "breadwinners" in my household and worry about bills, who will pay what, and what's going to be overdue if we pay another bill on time. I have to clean, I have to put gas in my car, I have to take care of my clothes and health (and, often, the health of those around me), I have to shop and organize finances.

Just because I'm single doesn't mean I have no idea what others go through. I have an idea; whether or not I've gone through that experience has no bearing on how I feel about it or how I can help, right? That's obviously a broad statement that doesn't apply to everyone, but I feel like I am valuable and, because I can't exactly relate, can often offer help or perspective that people who CAN relate don't necessarily have because they're too close to what's happening.

Maybe I AM different. I decided years ago to not turn into one of those "no one understands poor little me" people. It has proven a blessing, even though it is occasionally a struggle to remember to not be one of those people. I credit my change in attitude, and a LOT of faith, with my overall happiness about my life. My life is far from ideal, but I realized the other day, as I was going to bed, that if this is as good as my life will be, it's a pretty great life. I don't have a lot of money, I don't have the best job, I'm in a couple of weird situations, but I have a pretty great life.

Funny how perspective changes things. Thanks for reading us in November. Happy December!

So Very Thankful

I spent Thanksgiving today with friends. It wasn't what I originally wanted to do for the holiday. First, I wanted to do what I did last year - road trip to an aunt's house - but I had to stay in town because of commitments this weekend. Then, I wanted to host, but my current living situation does not lend itself to large dinner parties or even the ability to cook a whole turkey. I needed a co-host, but the potential co-hosts I considered and I seem to be going through a rough patch and I didn't know what to do.

So, I was immensely grateful when another friend stepped up and opened her home to anyone in need of a place to go. I was still able to cook something, which I really enjoy and part of why I wanted to host in the first place. Mostly, I still able to share a meal and spend time with people whose company I enjoy, even if they're friends I've only known for a relatively short time and some I only just met today.

It's the people in my life that make it worth living. Even when family is far away and my long time my friends are being weird, there are newer friends, truly good people, who I can call on to be there for me and I for them. Even if they come and go, there is always someone there. New friends. Old friends. Near friends. Far friends. Someone.

And even when no one seems to be there, no matter how hard you try, we all have the ultimate friend in Jesus Christ.

I am not alone. And neither are you.

For that, I am truly thankful.

Somebody

I love the song Somebody by Depeche Mode. It's such a wonderful list of things a lover/spouse/best friend should be, and I want all of it.

I also want to add to it.

I want somebody who will call when they say will, and even just because.

I want somebody who can make me laugh.

I want somebody who will dance with me in the kitchen.

I want somebody who I can kiss anytime I want.

I want somebody who will paint my toenails when I can't reach them anymore.

I want somebody who knows me better than anyone.

And most of all, I want somebody who leaves me absolutely no doubt about how he feels about me.

That Girl

Earlier this week I overheard someone (a very attractive man, if you must know) wax poetic about a girl he saw at Borders one day. She was browsing in the non-fiction section and caught his eye, totally oblivious to the effect she had on him. He was describing a simple gesture she did, tucking her hair behind her ear or biting her lip in concentration, and how it really struck him as beautiful in that moment. He told his friend he wanted to thank that woman for just being obliviously, unselfconsciously beautiful in that moment.

Another friend told me about how his friend has a blog that is just letters to his future wife, and how the letters were touching and real and full of hope and love for the woman he hasn't even met yet.

The interesting thing to me in both those instances is that neither woman (the fictional nor the real) was described as a Victoria's Secret model or a movie star: they are ordinary women who are somehow imbued with an aura of extraordinary. What was it about the woman at Borders? Was it her hair color, facial features, figure, stance, posture? Or was it something that combined all of that, along with an unnameable attractiveness? Would someone call it her aura or her energy that struck with such memorable force?

What about the man looking for his future wife in every female face he passes? How will he know when he sees her?

I can recall a few times when something a man did almost stopped me in my path because it was so endearing or funny or touching, and it's always something simple: seeing a man playing with his nephew, walking his dog, buying a gift, smiling at a baby. Simple things with a big impact, and I couldnt' tell you the exact combination of gestures, clothing, lighting, hairstyle, or complexion.

I often wonder if I'm That Girl--the one who quietly goes about her business at the grocery store, the mall, the gas station, the office, the one who has unconsciously struck someone dumb with a thoughtless gesture. I wonder if I'll ever know. I wonder if I should assume that it happens with me and be more careful about what I say and do. I wonder if, some day many years from now, I'll be sitting on the porch with my husband and he'll describe such a moment or a gesture that still catches him off guard and makes him wonder how he was so blessed to marry me.

I wonder if I'll tell him how the same thing happened to me, or if I'll just squeeze his hand and remember...

My women

I've never been one who had a ton of girl friends. I had friends, but I never just hung out at the mall with another girl. I certainly was not one who spent hours on the phone talking with someone. I just didn't do the "normal" teenage girl with friends thing. I have a handful of friends, gender has always been heterogeneous, and that's worked out very well.

But in the last year while I still maintain that I don't have "girls" in my life, I do have my women.

These are grown women. They've experienced hardship in their lives. I can't think of any hardship that more than one of them have faced actually, so there's quite the range of hardship going on. They've grown from their experiences. They've been strengthened by them. They've been beautified by them. They are a shoulder to cry on when things go bad because they've cried too. They are a smile to laugh with when things go great because they've laughed too. They are women.

I don't actually happen to live near any of my women at this time. They are spread across this country. But I know that I can always call or email and they will share in whatever emotion I am going through at the time.

Just a side note. But during my one try at therapy several years ago the therapist told me that three of my women weren't good enough friends for me because they were married and I wasn't so they were too busy for me. HA! I was the one with the schedule we were working around. I didn't go back to that therapist. It is because of their range of experiences that differs from mine that I can lean on them.

And I've begun to feel that all women are connected. We all need each other. We need to lean on each other's shoulders and provide our shoulders for others to lean on. We need to laugh together. We need to cry together. Perhaps if we all lived in the same village a hundred years ago we would've been getting together monthly for quilting bees or sock darning parties or what have you. It's that kind of a feeling. And time has simply changed how we do that.

Mother's day is next week. And while I wouldn't classify any of these women as mother figures for me, I want to take time to honor them as well. Because I truly stand among noble women.

More than words

I've been trying for a while to figure out what I wanted to say today. I knew I'd be writing today after having come back from my wedding and I should probably summarize the week. But I really don't know how. I could sit down and give the chronological story of what happened. But that wouldn't give you a good view of what it was.

The weekend was a wonderful time of family and friends and smiles and good food and music and beauty and peace. Sure there were one or two things that didn't go as planned at first and had to be fixed, but very few people even knew about those things. There was a moment of panic when we couldn't find my bag with my temple clothes and one of the three papers we needed to get married. Turns out it had been in my parents' car and my mom had grabbed it to be helpful, not thinking I'd panic in the parking lot. But everything else went real smoothly. Even the insane snow storm didn't really cause too much of a problem.

The whole time we'd said that as long as we were married at the end of the day, everything was okay. We said it long enough that it really was true. And at the end of the day we were married. And the peace of it was palpable. And I don't know how to put that in to words.

For now, I'll just say that my favorite thing is that we now say, "good night," instead of, "good-bye."

There is Love...

As Jinxie posted earlier, we got to be with Roxie on her wedding day, and it was wonderful. I have to admit that Jinxie and I both cried when Roxie and HP danced to their song. The room was FULL of love and it was wonderful. Wonderful wonderful.

Anyone there could tell that Roxie and HP love each other with a deep and secure love--the kind that isn't frantic or desperate or full of stress--and it spilled over onto everyone at the reception. There was a definite sense of calm and peace about them. And I did cry. Jinxie and I put our arms around each other and cried together and said "someday..." Someday, that will be us. Someday, all this waiting and faith and work and hope will be rewarded.

Someday, it will all be worth it.

Last night was hard for me, though; it didn't seem worth it at 1 AM when disappointment darkened my soul. I don't think it's a coincidence that I had a setback the day after a wonderful spiritual wedding, and it took some time for me to sort it out and start to make sense of it. This morning a friend posted this passage from Isaiah on her blog and it touched me so much. It reconfirmed that God makes up the difference:

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

Despite it all, life is pretty good. Especially when there are promises like that to anticipate and hope and pray for.

Someday, I will know that I am loved with a deep and secure love, and that day will be wonderful!

Congratulations Roxie!

Roxie is now Mrs. Handsome Prince! She looks gorgeous. He looks, well, handsome. They both look radiant and so happy. And Trixie and I are so happy for them!

Just look how happy we all are!

Hooray weddings and friends and love!

-Posted wirelessly by Jinxie

Happiness is...

(My last post prompted some friendly and understandable controversy that I am very sympathetic to, so I'll keep today's pretty light. :) )

Remember a few months ago when I blogged about being happy for other people? I still feel the same way. I recently found out another friend is getting married and my first reaction wasn't the "oh man! What about me?" kind of thing I've had before. It was a reaction of honest happiness for her. No thinking about it, no convincing myself--just wanting to give her a big hug and smile and cry because she's so happy. I do envy her a little, but I don't envy her (and her family) putting together a wedding in less than 6 weeks! However, if it's right, and you can pull it off, why not get married in 6 weeks?

It's been a relief to not have to deal with the envy and jealousy I previously felt. I'm honestly happy for all my friends who are getting married or having children or registering their kids for high school. Honest, untainted happiness is, I think, one of the rarest emotions humans experience, and it's wonderful when we can finally experience it! Maybe it's growing up, maybe it's perspective, maybe it's being raised right, but I treasure and try to remember the times I am honestly happy for someone else. It helps me be the person I want to be, and that's pretty cool.

Oddly enough....

I had an interesting conversation in the temple cafeteria last week--yes, many LDS temples have cafeterias, and I will tell you right now the food is quite good--as I was paying for my fresh fruit and yummy ciabatta roll. The sister at the cash register asked me about my dress and the conversation turned to her and her husband and how nice it is that there are so many couples who work in the temple together. Then, and I saw this coming, she asked if I was married. I said "oh, no, I'm very single!" She said "really?!" Shortly after that, she asked how old I was. I said "I'm 34!" and smiled. She said "REALLY?!" (I get that a lot--I must look much younger than I am) Then, kind-hearted soul she was, she said "I can't believe you're not married! You look like you're a good person who someone should snatch right up!" I laughed and told her I hoped I was a good person and that I was trying to be better. She reassured me that I was and then asked if I wanted to get married. Of course I do, I told her. Of course! Very much! But, I said, I'm not willing to compromise and I'd rather be single the rest of my life than marry someone just to get married. She replied, "Oh, that's wonderful to hear. Good for you! But, if you want to have kids, you should get married soon..."

Oddly enough, I wasn't at all offended. Not a bit. Because she's right. I don't want to be having kids in my 40s, especially when I'm not sure what's going to happen anyway. As far as I know, I'm perfectly healthy, but I come from a long line of women who had hysterectomies or could no longer conceive by the time they were my age. It's a daunting prospect no matter how I look at it. I told this dear sister that she was absolutely right--I want to get married soon and I'm only hoping for one child. Just one. That's all I ask. She said "I wish you to have twins or triplets! Then you could have more than one and get it all over with at once!" I laughed, thanked her, and paid for my food.

I suppose other people would have been terribly offended to have a relative stranger tell them what to do with their lives, but I wasn't. These are all things I've considered at length, from my age and the biological uncertainty to the idea that I may never get married in this life. These are all things that I pray about and strive to find peace with. I know I don't have time to mess around with men who aren't worth it, and I don't have time to put off having children when I'm married...and I feel good about those decisions. I know the Lord is taking care of me and I am going in the right direction even though it often feels as if I'm just running in place.

Somewhere out there is a man going through the same thing. I just hope we manage to find each other soon! And won't that dear sister in the temple cafeteria be happy to hear it?

I lift my hands and pray

There are certain things I have always wanted in life. I have always wanted to go to school. I always wanted to do what I did for a career. I have always had dreams. Some of them have come true in ways I hadn't completely planned. Some of them I realized I didn't want enough to make them happen. And others I had to learn to be patient for.

One of those dreams, one of those things that I always wanted, was to be married, to be a wife, to be a mother, to have kids. It was the only dream I ever truly prayed and asked for.

My prayers over the years have changed with regards to that dream. I used to pray that I'd be ready for it. I'd pray that I'd remain worthy of the blessing of marriage and family. And I'd pray that somewhere out there, the boy I was going to marry was doing what he needed to do too.

As I grew up and started dating, my prayers changed just a little. I started praying to know if what I was doing, who I was with, was right. I don't believe in a "one and only." I think there are several guys I could be eternally happy with. But on the other hand that means that there are countless guys that would be quite wrong for me. And it is possible to fall in love with one of those. So I wanted to make sure that didn't happen.

And I started praying for patience and acceptance of the Lord's timing for me on this dream.

Some time last year I realized that things with HP really could be the right things for me. I started praying that our relationship would be blessed. And my prayers for patience increased. And I think most people who know me would say that those prayers were answered tenfold. It doesn't seem to me like I exercised any great patience, it's just how it happened. But those prayers definitely helped. If anything they were an almost daily reminder to me that my life does not always go according to my timing and that there is Someone who knows when things should happen for me better than I do.

Then in June, when I came home that night after he asked and I said yes, my prayer was completely different. I didn't ask for anything that night. But through my tears I expressed a gratitude I didn't have words for. Still don't actually.

But my prayers haven't stopped. I'm still praying for my marriage and family, just as I have been my whole life. But now I know the names to say. Well, one of them. The rest of the names I'll pray for in my family will come later. And my gratitude continues as well.

None of my prayers ever changed the mind of a boy I liked. But they changed my mind, and heart, and made me ready, and especially grateful, for the blessings that came in the end.

Something's in the Air...

I found out recently that another of my dear friends is getting married. When I found out he was dating his now-fiancee, I was so happy for him. He seemed so settled and at peace with himself and his life, and while she's several years younger than him, they really are perfect together. I attended the (beautiful and inspiring) wedding of a (beautiful and inspiring) mutual friend a couple of weeks ago and had a chance to talk to him--he glows now. It's amazing and beautiful and I am very very happy for them!

I have to confess, however, that I feel a little left out at the same time. This year will have seen four of my closest friends becoming engaged/married, and one of those four break up in some of the same circumstances of my own broken engagement. It's funny how you can hurt for one person so much at the same time you want to shout from the rooftops with another person, isn't it? It's funny how you can be so happy for your loved ones and a little sad for yourself at the same time, isn't it? It's not necessarily that I feel SORRY for myself (I do have a good life with a lot of things going for me), but my heart hurts a little that I don't have what they have. Gina, the friend going through the bad breakup, turned to me at the wedding (we were at the same table as Billy at the luncheon) and said, looking at the very happy couple, "they really love each other, don't they?" I replied "yes, honey, they do. That's what you want and that's what you deserve!" She said "I do deserve it, don't I?" and my heart broke for her. Right now, she doesn't know what it's like to be loved for exactly who she is. She thought he did at the beginning, but then he tried to change her because he was threatened by her intelligence and beauty and talent. No one should do that. No one should insist on changing someone else's God-given nature just because he or she is insecure. No one should try to force someone to subdue his or her spirit--that's called "unrighteous dominion" and, as far as I'm concerned, is as bad a sin (if not worse) than adultery or physical abuse.

I suppose I'm so affected by Gina's current situation because it's so devastatingly familiar (I'm not going to go into that now) and I'm so affected by Billy's situation because it is the Dearest Wish of My Heart to love and be loved like that. It's a strange mix of emotions--happy that my friends are so happy, sad that they're sad, angry that people think they can treat others so badly, and left out because I want a wedding and a marriage too! It doesn't really help that, over the last year especially, I've felt something coming and I tend to impatience. I have to remember that the Lord has all this in His hands and that I just need to do the best I can to live a good and productive life and help others.

I'm so very happy for Billy and Cyd (and Betty and James), so happy at the prospect for me, but so sad for Gina and myself that we don't have the thing we want most. I hope, when we finally have it, we never take it (or him) for granted, but will cherish and honor the gift we've been given. Those two wonderful couples give me hope that all promises will be fulfilled and that my Heavenly Father hasn't forgotten or given up on me.

The tricky part is remembering it all on the bad days...