I could remember my pains no more

When I was lonely and single, especially when I was hurt and sad and angry and frustrated, whether at an individual or the whole single situation, I knew, somehow, that whomever I ended up finding and marrying would be worth the wait and the hurt. That, like Alma in The Book of Mormon in Alma 36:20, I would be able to say: "And oh, what joy , and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!"

I experienced this while Roscoe and I were dating and engaged - I was so happy and knew that happiness would grow for the rest of forever that it already made up for everything I had gone through while I was waiting for him.

What I really hadn't considered was verse 19: "And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more." Alma couldn't even remember the hurt.

Last night, Roscoe and I were watching TV together and a main character was breaking up with his girlfriend, who has been a supporting character this season. She'd done nothing wrong, he'd just realized he was in love with someone else, and so he ended it.

Watching her cry, knowing I'd been in similar situations of being blindsided by a breakup, I realized that if I'd been watching that episode a year ago, I probably would have been hit with at least a twinge of how much that sucks and hurts.

This time, sitting with and holding the hand of my husband of five weeks, I felt nothing. I was sad for her (though, admittedly, happier that this character was going to get back to his real love), but I felt nothing for me. I ran through some names in my head of jerks in my past and nothing, no hurt, no sadness, just peace and happiness for the life ahead. I truly "could remember my pains no more."

Of course, I paused the show, told Roscoe about this and just how happy he makes me. He's amazing.

It also reminds me of the Atonement, which is why Alma could no longer remember his pains. It's not just about the pain of sin, but of the pain of disease, injury, and even heartache. Jesus took that all on Himself so that we could overcome them and continue on our path of eternal progression.

It's an amazing blessing and I am feeling very grateful for it today!

Adoration

Speaking of things that hit you sideways, Campbell got married a few months ago.  We'd been good friends for a few years, and then early last year he kind of fell off the planet.  He was there for me when my engagement broke up, and I was there for him when the same thing happened to him.  I always felt safe with him, safe and appreciated, so it was hard when I realized we were never going to get married.  I still wonder why, but I got some clarity talking to his cousin this past spring.  The conversation started out awkwardly but eased up as we went along; she was concerned about how I was taking the news of his engagement and I felt I could trust her, so I told her it had been a little difficult.  She said that she and her husband had wondered why Campbell had never dated me; apparently, he talked about me all the time.  In her words, he adored me.  Why, then, didn't he choose me? 

 

My silent, agonizing question was answered as his cousin went on about his fiancee:  she needed to be rescued.  Campbell's fiancee had been married before, to an abusive and manipulative man, and she needed to be rescued from that trauma.  One thing I know for sure about Campbell is that he would NEVER hurt a woman.  He is incredibly protective--protective to the point of doing violence to another person.  When he found out more details about what my ex-fiance had done, he told me that he was willing to break my ex's nose if he started bothering me again.  Another time, we were talking and when another man walked past and gave me a leer that I didn't notice, Campbell put his arm around me and glared at the guy until he stopped looking at me.  I'm not the biggest fan of violence, but it is nice to feel protected when you're with someone.

 

Campbell needs to be the hero, and Mrs. Campbell needed a hero.  I'm glad she found such a good one.  I don't need anyone to rescue me from a bad situation anymore (although it would be nice if someone out there had an extra $200K to give us), but I really want to be adored by someone.  Adored enough that he wants to be with me and no one else.  Thanks to Campbell, at least I know I'm worthy of that kind of love, loyalty, and respect.

If you're happy and you know it

Wisdom from Dilbert.

Marriage won't make you happy. You have to do that on your own. You can never let your happiness depend on the actions of somebody else because you can never choose their actions. Sure, being single sucks some times, a lot of times. But that doesn't mean you get to be all depressed and woe is me about it. Depressed, boring, uninteresting people are never attractive.

For all the trouble Dilbert has with his dating life, at least he's got that point figured out.

Heart

Recently, I've had the regular opportunity to be around some adorable children. They are so sweet--yes, they're little monsters, but they're SO sweet. It has been a delight to be around them. Tonight, one of them did something so cute I could barely contain myself. I turned to the woman next to me (who has children in a range of ages, the oldest just about married) and said "I want a baby RIGHT NOW!" She smiled and said, "they're awfully cute, aren't they? Are you trying to have kids?" I laughed and replied, "I'm not even married yet! Let me rephrase: I want a date, and then a second date, and then a boyfriend, and then a fiance, and then a husband, and THEN a baby. I have to do it all in the right order, you know!" She laughed too, and then touched my hand and said, "You have a wonderful mother heart. I can tell just watching you how loving you are. Don't ever lose that heart!"

I was sincerely touched. I told her I was doing my best to stay gentle and loving, even though it's hard to be kind to everyone some days. . . It is good to be reminded that it's ok to be kind, especially to children. It's ok to call them "sweetie" when I see them. It's ok to let my heart be soft around them. Sometimes I think we feel like we can't allow ourselves to love because we might not get what we want to love. Yes, it's hard to love without the surety that we get to keep the loved one, but life is so much better when we allow ourselves to love spontaneously and honestly. I love the kids I get to interact with--I think I'll let myself do that without being upset about the children I don't have yet.

Discouraged

Roxie and I were talking the other day about how easy it sometimes is to be discouraged, and she made the point that discourage essentially means "taking away courage". Last night, I got a rejection form letter for a job I applied for, and today I feel hopeless and discouraged. I feel afraid to try anything else right now because I'm certain it won't work. I feel like I'm not good enough to try to get out of my dead-end job, that I'll be stuck here forever, gradually gaining 100 pounds through inactivity and losing whatever IQ I have through mindless repetition, eventually becoming grotesque and pointless and redundant.

I posted about being lonely a couple of days ago, and that feeling is just adding to my current spate of discouragement. Sometimes this being single business is REALLY hard.

I've been doing Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred program and liking it quite a bit. I haven't leveled up yet but plan to in the next week or so. There's a thing she says at the very end of Level 1, when you're doing bicycle crunches and your abs are screaming. She says, "I know it's hard. That knot in your stomach right now? It's you getting stronger. It's fear leaving your body." I really like hearing that. At first I wasn't sure what she meant, but when I figured it out, it made so much sense. It's the fear of not being able to finish that workout AGAIN, but you power through anyway, and you're done! So I guess we need to fight the fear in our lives in the same way, right?

I guess I just have to keep going through this little setback. I have to power through another set of spiritual bicycle crunches so I can come out stronger in the end. But, much like a workout routine, it's really hard to keep going when you don't see immediate results. That's what has me down today. I'm losing the courage to change my life.

Eccentric?

My dad is painting and installing closet doors lately, and after inspecting one of the doors at his request, I declared, "I love white doors, but if I feel like painting them orange, I think I will. I figure it will be my house and no one should care if I paint my closet doors orange."

That pretty much sums up my feelings on interior colors--if you want orange closet doors, why not have them? It's just a can of paint and some time, right? Besides, we could all use a little color in our lives. :)

You're doing it wrong

I apparently did it wrong.

Lately I've heard two people say things that are often said in one way or another, and honestly, I think it's those people who are wrong, not me. I'll talk about the other person later

Last week I was at a youth event and one of the other youth leaders told one of the teenage boys that every dollar he spends on a girl before his mission is a dollar spent on someone else's wife, implying he shouldn't spend a lot on girls before his mission. Which was odd. Because every dollar a guy spends on a girl before his marriage is a dollar spent on someone else's wife, not just before his mission. It's a weird way to look at it anyway because until a guy marries a girl, some other guy is spending money on his wife. So really, stop worrying about it already and go date! (if you are over 16)

However the leader then went on to say that a young man who recently got married had "done it right" because he'd only dated one other girl after his mission before getting married. Is that really the "right" way to do it? Not all of the adults standing around know that HP and I got married in our 30s, but he did. He'd known and watched us since I moved to the same town as HP about four years ago.

So I followed up by asking him if he thought HP and I had done it wrong since we'd dated a lot of people after our missions before finding each other and getting married. Which flubbed him up a bit and he had no answer so he had to pretend I hadn't said anything.

Truth is, we didn't do it wrong, because there is no one right way to do it. Good for that couple that got married that fast. But I wouldn't have done it any other way for us. There is no wrong way.

Roxie and the Single's Ward

All three of us have had our experiences with single's/student wards and stakes. And since the LDS Church announced last week that they are doing away with the "student" designation of those units and instead designating them all as YSA (young single adult) units for all single people between the ages of 18 and 30, this seemed like a good time to talk about the different experiences we've had, because they have been different.

I actually started life in a single's ward. My dad had been in a leadership position when he got married and they asked him to stay on after he got married. So my mom married into a single's ward and I was soon on the way. Shortly after I was born they released my dad and our family moved into a family ward.

My single's ward experiences of memory mainly came during college. I went to BYU and attended the student wards the whole time I was there. For the most part they were pretty good. And while I was that age they served their purpose. My last year though I could tell I was starting to out grow them (at the ripe old age of 23). And there were a few things they were doing that really rubbed me wrong.

Yes, this is a family oriented church, and I'll have more on that at a later date. But the point of the gospel is to bring salvation to our souls, not to get everyone married as fast as possible. And the last two stakes I was in at BYU seemed to have that a little backwards.

The stake I was in the summer before my last year had a fireside for all the engaged, and prospectively engaged, couples in the stake. I didn't go, as there was something wrong with me in college that I didn't date, but my roommate went. And my roommate and her fiancé actually walked out early. In an effort to talk about how important talking and communication is in a marriage, including about sex, they had very well drawn images of the different parts of the body involved in sex that they showed everyone and talked about. Seems a little off for a Sunday evening fireside in a large group setting. Seems a little more appropriate for an individual meeting with a bishop.

After that summer I moved apartments and ended up in a different stake. This stake had a stated policy of changing which apartments met together for Monday night every month so that people would meet more people and get married faster. They also kept statistics on each ward in the stake and made graphs of how many people were attending sacrament meeting, how many were attending Sunday School, how many were doing their home and visiting teaching, and the last graph was of how many people in each ward got engaged each month. Seriously!? I was very proud to never be on that graph. And when I moved out of that apartment after graduation I also left the single's wards.

I was in a family ward for the next six years and loved it. It was a younger ward (we had nine nurseries at one point and only ever had one young man). I didn't feel at all like an outsider. I fit in. I served in several callings. Some of my best friends are from that ward. And it was because of that ward that I met the man who eventually became my husband (one of my friends in the ward set us up). It was not a single's ward that put us together. In fact, if I had been in a single's ward I'm not so sure we would have met. I actually got set up several times while I was in that ward (something about being married makes you set up your friends), comb-over guy was one of those.

When my next move, at 29, took me out of Utah, I told my mom I would give the single's wards another try. I originally said six months, she told me I had to give it a year. 52 Sundays later I was done and was back in a family ward. The single's ward felt far too much like a continuation of the Young Women's program rather than a progression, both spiritually and socially. Relief Society is supposed to help me learn how to enrich my home, not paint my nails. And you can only watch couples make-out in sacrament meeting for so long before you start to puke.

I'm not going to say that all single's wards are bad, but they are definitely different. They have their time and place and for some people they really are just what they need. Each ward is different as well. I'm just a person who would rather hear sacrament talks on more topics than just getting married and I'd rather hear testimonies about the gospel rather than about loving your roommates or how you aren't good enough for your fiancé.

The family wards I was in when I was single were wonderful wards where I felt welcome and never felt strange that I didn't have a husband. And you don't need a single's ward to get married, in fact, sometimes it works out better without them.

What's wrong with you that you don't date?

After my post last week about infertility, I started to think about how similar it can be in many respects to being single, especially as you approach, and pass, 30.

People might look at us and assume we don't have kids because we don't want them or because we're waiting to pay off debt or finish degrees or because I really don't want to clean out the room I'm using as a sewing room and turn it into a bedroom again or whatever other reasons they might think of.

And that's because our efforts to have children are not things we do in public (thank goodness). Nobody sees all the charting I do. Nobody sees all the months we tried on our own. Nobody sees all the doctor appointments I have now. Nobody sees all the prayers we offer, the tears I cry, or the talks we have after we turn out the lights at night and my fears suddenly find voice. They might see us exercising, or notice we take daily vitamins, or other small things. But those aren't things you automatically assume someone is doing because they are trying to get pregnant.

Now to being single.

I had a roommate once, when I was the ripe old age of 24 and she was the ripe old age of 19, and the last time I ever had roommates, ask me, "What's wrong with you that you don't date?"

I had no idea how to answer that. It's just as rude as asking a married couple, "What's wrong with you that you don't have kids?" Although I can probably come up with a snappy answer to that if you give me a second.

But being single you are doing a LOT of things that are helping you that aren't really visible to the whole world. Nobody sees you working through and living your budget. Nobody sees you learning household skills that will help you no matter what house you live in. Nobody sees you expanding your mind and talents as you develop who you are. Nobody sees the look on your face when you get home and remember there's nobody there to share your good/bad day with. Nobody sees the hours spent in the scriptures or in prayer that build your relationship with your Heavenly Father so that you can learn to fully trust Him. Probably 99% of the things a single person does to put them in the best position possible to get married are not seen by anyone.

Yet everyone is always full of "great advice" for single people. A lot of it sounds the same as the "great advice" they give infertile couples. There's, "just relax," and, "it will happen when you aren't looking/least expect it," that both of them get. There's the stories for infertile couples about how if you start looking into adoption you'll get pregnant, or for single people about how if you go to the institute dances/get online you'll meet someone just like my sister's in-law's cousin's neighbor did.

When you are single people will assume it's for all kinds of reasons - you're too picky, you're too focused on school/career, you're into porn, you're homosexual, you're.... And yet none of those reasons have to do with what is most likely the real reason - it's not the time God ordained yet. God is in charge. Let let Him do what's best.

Preparation?

I have nothing deep or profound to say about being single today, so I'll just say this:

Maybe my dissatisfaction with my job, current career path into a brick wall, and longing to stay home and can things/scrub floors/paint/weed/chase children is all just God's way of telling me not to get so caught up in work and further education that I can't (or won't) make the adjustment to wife and mother when I get married. Maybe it's His way of reminding me where my priorities should ultimately be: raising children and being a good wife and mother when the time comes.

Hm. Maybe that IS deep and profound, after all.

When I was a child

I am a life long comic addict. I don't buy comic books, not that kind of comic. But I love the funny pages in the newspaper. I have stacks of comics I cut from the paper growing up. And since they've all started being available on-line, I have folders of them on my computer. You never know when you might need one some day for some project. I love how they can capture some little bit of truth about life in three frames or so. They are just brilliant.



Honestly, which of us didn't do that growing up, or even now? Even if you've since decided that you will not be changing your name, you probably thought about that at some point. I know a few couples with some rather unusual names and I have to think that she must have really loved him to try that name on and then keep it. But of course love is about more than a name. Even though when you are young it can often seem like that is very important.

Young love is certainly a strange beast. It's highly romantic and idyllic.



I had that idealized concept of love when I was a child. It gave me a place to start from. But I'm so glad it changed. Real love, adult love, is so much better than just liking the same song, or having a good sounding name. Love is rough and raw. It is work and wonderful.

Have some from Column A, try all of Column B

I see a lot of reference to Plan A being "get married, have kids" and Plan B being "have a career until Plan A kicks in."

I don't know that I've ever really thought that way. Yes, I've always wanted to get married and have kids, but I've also always wanted to get an education and have a career. If we're really talking about the dichotomy of Plans A and B, I'm on Plan WhoKnowsWhat, because when I was younger I wanted to be an astronaut. And a wife and mom. Then I wanted to be a teacher. And a wife and mom. Then I wanted to do something sort of related to teaching that turned into what I actually do, love, and have a Masters degree in, and be a wife and mom.

Obviously, the wife and mom thing has yet to start, but I have faith that it will.

So, I'm living my life how I want to - working, playing, traveling, getting an education, and doing all this according to my personal, moral, and religious beliefs and things I just plain enjoy.

Is there a problem with that?

Not at all! I'd much rather be with someone who also lives life to the fullest, so to attract that kind of person, I will be that kind of person.

And now I have a name for it, thanks to a comment made by Stephanie on a post from Miss Nemesis.

Plan Kick@$$!

Here's what she said:

Frankly, I'm tired of the world-creating a false dichotomy- you either want Plan A or Plan B. I always wanted both plans. I didn't see my education/career as something that got in the way of marriage/children. I don't see marriage/children as something that eliminates my need for education/career.

My Plan A works together with my Plan B. Right now, I am working. Maybe someday I will be a SAHM. Maybe someday I will be whatever acronym we apply to working mothers. Maybe someday I will go back to school. Who knows?

I guess what I am not-so-clearly saying is that I never really had a Plan A (get married, have kids) or a Plan B (get a degree, have career.)

I had a Plan Kick@$$. Degrees! Jobs! Relationships! Potential for spit-up and barf! What is not to love about Plan Kick@$$?

That's it exactly! It's what my mom did, and it's worked out well for her. She, too, had a Masters by 25, which is when she got married and started having kids, and was a SAHM until the youngest was in school. Until starting a full-time job this year now that she's an empty nester, she always worked part-time so she could be home for us kids. I always cite my mother as my example for the framework of my life plans, because she kicked @$$ and I will too.

Who's with me?

Oh Deer

Oh deer in deed. I saw this comic this morning while I was eating breakfast and I could relate all too well.

I remember different times in college when they had girl's choice activities and I looked around at the different guys in my life and there really wasn't anyone at that time that interested me. Which led to some interesting events that resulted in my roommate and I taking imaginary guys. Which in turn led to a bunch of girls who also didn't have dates deciding they didn't necessarily need a date to have fun and joining my roommate and I (although they didn't take imaginary dates like we did) and having a blast. Although my dad admitted that he was seriously worried about me when he found out what I'd done. However, so far that is the only time I've ridden in a limo (it was one of the dorm dances at BYU, the limo was part of the event).



Slim pickings in deed.

Lessons from Young Women's Basketball

Go ahead and laugh. I did. My mom did too when I told her. And I'm sure HP was just suppressing a laugh when he found out. I've been called as the Young Women's Athletic Director for our ward.

Now, I am active. I am a regular runner. But there's a reason I run. It requires very little hand/foot/eye coordination. My 7th grade year I decided to really get into school and I tried out for all the sports teams. I got cut from all of them, except track. And track didn't have cuts.

And now they want me to be in charge of the basketball and volleyball for the young women in our ward. It's worth a laugh.

This week we had a basketball clinic for the girls in the stake before play starts next week. It was to help teach the basic skills of dribbling, passing, shooting, and guarding to the girls who hadn't played before or who just wanted to come learn some more. Most of the girls were between 12 and 14.

Since the stake leaders were running it, I was able to sit back and watch. I made two major observations.

Observation #1 - There are two types of church basketball players (or at least there were this week).

The first group of girls was really carefree about the whole thing. If they made a basket, great. If they didn't, oh well, that happens, just try again. Their enjoyment of the activity did not depend on how successful they were. This was the group that made the most improvement over the course of the evening.

The second group seemed to take it as a personal insult when the basket did not move so that their ball could go in. They didn't miss because it just happens. They missed because the basket had a personal grudge against them. These girls did not look to be having a lot of fun, got easily frustrated (even though they might have actually been making more baskets than the first group originally), and actually got worse as the evening went on while their frustration level grew.

I think that first group is going to be alright in life. Bad things happen to all of us, but those girls have the ability to just let it roll right off their back while they keep going.

Observation #2 - The true point of the game.

There was one senior girl there. She's played basketball and volleyball in high school. She knows what she is doing. And she was amazing. And I'm not talking about her basketball skills. I'm talking about how encouraging and helpful she was to everyone. Nobody felt bad around her. During one shooting game I watched her purposefully miss shots she could do in her sleep so she wouldn't knock any of the other girls out of the game.

Her father came and I told him his daughter had an interesting strategy. He said she really got it. And she did. She knew that the point of church sports isn't to win. It isn't even necessarily to do well. It's to get out, try something new, enjoy yourself, and be part of a team. I told him that I admired her strategy and that he'd "done good" raising her. It was absolutely beautiful to watch her out there with the other girls.

She's not just going to be alright in life. She's going to excel. Great things are on their way with her. And not because she gets church basketball. But because she gets life.

And she gets to be on my team. I can't wait to watch how it unfolds.

Second verse

In those dark moments this was my song:

I've gone to college. I have a career. I've been recognized at the state level for my work in my career. I've earned a graduate degree. I have a car. I can live on my own and manage my own house. I've moved. I've changed careers. I've run marathons. Why won't someone marry me?!?

And, as you might guess, the last one has very little to do with the rest of them (although HP has told me that if I wasn't as educated as I am, not what I've studied but that I've studied, he would've found me boring and it wouldn't have worked out between us). Marriage doesn't come down to degrees or careers, but rather two people being at the right place in their life to make that decision at the same time.

But the fact that it took so long actually makes me super proud of it. I want people to know our (I think) incredible story and how much we really worked for what we have. That waiting time made it that much more valuable in the end.

Now I've discovered a second verse to that song. It goes something like this:

I've gone to college. I have a career. I've been recognized at the state level for my work in my career. I've earned a graduate degree. I have a car. I can live on my own and manage my own house. I've moved. I've changed careers. I've run marathons. I've gotten married. Why can't I get pregnant?!?

And again, that last one has very little, if anything, to do with the rest of them, except hopefully the marriage one. Those ones should definitely be done in a certain order. Babies are miracles, especially the very start of them. Because it involves so many things happening at the same time and in just the right sequence that it's incredible any of us are here at all.

The longer this goes on the more I want people to know just how long it took. That it won't be an "oops" or a "happy accident." That we really wanted it. But I'm not wanting to tell people we're trying and struggling yet. Not till we're successful.

Which makes me wonder how many other people around me are struggling in ways I don't know about and I'm not aware of.

Some times I think it would be nice if I could've just learned that patience thing once and been done with it. But patience itself has taught me a lot. If I could only remember those lessons better.

Like in the Mooooovieees

How to make a Hollywood love scene.

Step 1: Get two absolutely gorgeous people who wake up each morning looking like someone did their hair while they slept (because in reality, there was a hairdresser who did their hair right before they "woke up").

Step 2: Set up some impossible scene. Examples include a boating trip on a lake filled with swans and white ducks with a rain storm on the way back. Or a first dance leading to true love that very night. Or at work while others are in the offices just next door. Or sworn enemies who can't even stand to look at each other who suddenly discover that nobody else makes their heart go pitter-patter like that.

Step 3: Get a set dresser to strew clothing around the scene as if it has been ripped/thrown off in a fit of passion.

Step 4: End the scene with the weird L shaped sheets that seem to cover the woman to her shoulders but the man only to his waist.

To hear Hollywood tell it, all relationships are fated by the stars and when they align just right then clothes go flying and you find love.

The movies are wrong! And hopefully you've already realized that.

Because I have to tell you, when I pretend to be a set dresser and strew clothes about the house and my husband looks at me funny and asks me what I'm doing and I reply by saying, "You know, like in the moooovies" (and you have to really hold out the O for effect), all he can do is laugh at me. And that never happens in the movies.

I keep a hair elastic next to the bed so my hair isn't a poof ball when I wake up in the morning. I don't have a hair dresser who brushes and curls it for me just before my alarm goes off. Some mornings my own breath disgusts me. While there are times when passion surprises one of us, there has never been a ripping and flying of clothing.

Instead of that we have the real thing that most of Hollywood just can't seem to get. The killing bugs that scare me. The cleaning the kitchen together. The sitting quietly in the evening and reading. The grocery shopping and taking out the trash.

There is standing on the patio in the rain. There are looks that say so much. There is soft caressing. And there is a lot of laughter (and not just at my attempts to make things like the movies).

And it's real, and nothing like the moooovies!

Someone(s) for everyone

Finding love is difficult. Made even more difficult by the fact that not only do you have to find someone that you can love. But you have to find someone that you can love, who also happens to love you too. And you have to love each other at the same time!

I have two friends who took a couple of years to get engaged simply because it took them that long to want to do it at the same time. First he wanted to but she wasn't ready. Then she decided she wanted to but he didn't want to by then. They went back and forth for a while and now have a lovely marriage with beautiful kids. But it just shows how hard it is!



But, I have to believe that there is someone out there for everyone. I really don't like it when people say that their husband "died in the war in heaven." I know they think they are making a funny joke. But really, that would imply that the person they chose premortally did not choose the plan of Heavenly Father. And I have higher standards for myself than to think I'd choose someone like that.

It also implies that there's just a "one and only" for each person. Which I also don't agree with. Love is a choice. It is an action. It's not some big hole you fall into and if you happened to speed through a yellow light instead of stopping you'll miss meeting your one and only while waiting at the red light. There were probably several people I could've been happily married to, it just would've been a different kind of happy.

And if even Oscar the Grouch can find someone, well, at some point, there's someone (probably several someones) for everyone. Just gotta get that darn timing down right.

What do you say?

HP and I helped out at a community booth thing at the neighborhood park recently. At our booth we were handing out information, and homemade cookies. After several times I started to find it real funny that the parents wouldn't say "Thank you" when they took a cookie. Instead they'd turn to their child, who also had a cookie, and say "What do you say?" I started to wonder how old I have to be before I can say "What do you say?" when someone does something for me instead of "Thank you."

Last week Jinxie wrote about running a single household. Before she put it up she asked me if running a house by yourself was just as hard, if not harder, than doing it with someone.

My living space is more than twice what it was before. There are two bathrooms where there was just one. There are two living rooms where there was just one. The bedroom is bigger. My last apartment had four rooms (kitchen, living, bathroom, bedroom), and this house has eight. So vacuuming takes a little bit longer, but really once you're cleaning it's just as easy to clean a little more. Plus there's the whole yard thing now too that apartments don't have.

Cooking for one is actually harder than cooking for two. It's easier to cook for more people, which is why I actually cook more now than before. It takes the same number of pots to cook for both of us than it did to cook for just me. And again, if you are already washing one plate it's just that easy to clean one more.

Laundry is a bit more than before. We do five loads every two weeks instead of the three I did before. But again, the increase in effort isn't the same as the increase in tasks.

So what does all this have to do with saying "Thank you"? I lived completely on my own, no roommates, for over 7 years before I got married. I did every single household chore myself every single time it needed to be done. HP lived with male roommates for six of the last nine years since college, and from the stories he told that meant he did a lot more than just clean up after himself. We've both done everything that needed to be done.

While it might seem silly, we both say "Thank you" a whole lot now. Because every time he cleans up the dishes (which is more times than I do because I don't like dishes), I say "Thank you" because it means I won't have to do them later. Every time I go out and water the lawn (because plants are cool!) he says "Thank you" because it means he doesn't have to. I think one of the things we learned being single for so long was just how much it takes to run a house, and so we are both appreciative of what the other does.

The fact that he's at work today while I'm getting vacation laundry done doesn't mean I won't thank him when he gets home from work. Because he's earning money for our house means that's something less for me to worry about. And I'd bet the house that he'll thank me for doing laundry when he gets home because it means he didn't have to worry about it while he was at work. Being single I would've been wondering how many loads of laundry I could finish between getting home from work and needing to get to bed and when I'd manage to cook dinner somewhere in between.

Some older "knowing" couples have told us to "just wait" till he stops offering to help with the dishes or I stop taking out the trash. Just wait until we stop being appreciative of each other? I hope that never happens.

There's no place like home

So, I'm job hunting. So are a lot of people. Fortunately, I'm doing it because I want to, not because I have to, so I'm not very stressed about it and I can afford to be picky.

Another perk of job hunting at this point in my life is the ability to go anywhere I choose. I don't have to run locations by anyone else and hope that they can also find a job in that area, or follow someone else to a location and hope that I can find a job there. While my career is in a very general field and I probably could find at least something just about anywhere, my specialty in that field requires a little more focus and I'd like to work in that specialty as long as I can. Not having anyone else to factor into any decisions I make, yet, helps for now.

Of course, not having someONE to factor into my job hunt does mean I, on some level, have to factor in EVERYone. If I move to a big city, there should be a larger dating pool, a small city, a small dating pool. My other fear is the generalizations one can infer about city boys versus country boys. I know which one I'm drawn to more, and I may not find it if I move to city with a limited selection. On the other hand, being fresh meat in a smaller dating pool with a lower rate of turnover might help me get noticed more, so that's a good thing.

With so many factors to consider, I'm not really considering them at all. I think about it, but I'm not stressing about it. I know I can move just about anywhere and be fine. Moving from The Homeland to Where I Am Now (somewhere I'd never even been before) was a big, scary deal, but not only did I survive it, I blossomed and have really come into my own here.

Consequently, the one place I really don't want to move to is The Homeland. My family would be thrilled if I did, of course. I know this because many of our conversations go like this:

Parents: How's the job hunt?

Me: Good. I applied at ___ and ____ yesterday.

Parents: Did you hear about (semi-related job) at (place in The Homeland)?

I have actually applied for a job there, and there is probably going to be an opening a few months that I'll seriously consider if something else hasn't come up first.

Still, moving to The Homeland scares me more than to yet another place I've never even visited before.

You see, when I left The Homeland, it was at the end of a very, very rough year for me. I was not where I should have been spiritually, emotionally, or socially. Getting my miracle job in a completely new place was what finally woke me up and got me out of that rut. I'm afraid that if I move back, I will somehow slip back into all that. I'll find myself associating with the same people (because even some of the worst offenders are still part of my life, at least peripherally), living under the shadows of others, and otherwise falling into old habits and badness, negating everything that has happened since. Luckily, knowing that I am afraid, knowing why, and knowing that I'm a much stronger person than I used to be will probably mean that I'd be just fine.

In complete contrast to my feelings, one of my roommates from that year is not only moving back to the same neighborhood, but is actually buying the exact same house we lived in, this time with her boyfriend. Now, she lived there a lot longer than I did, and it was also where her own life was changed in many ways, good and bad. As afraid as I am to move back, she's probably just as excited, if not more so. I really hope it's the home and experience this go round that she's expecting it to be, and if she and her boyfriend have grown up as much as they reportedly have, it likely will.

I have faith that I will find a better job, that I will make any future dwelling place a true home and not just a place to sleep (like my current home is now), and that these things will happen wherever God wants me to be.

Even if it is The Homeland.

Camels and dating

This year we are studying the Old Testament in Sunday School. Twelve years ago when we were studying it, the story of Abraham's servant finding Rebekah for Isaac stood out to me. It seemed so easy. The servant asks her for water, she waters the camels, and then Rebekah and Isaac get married. No game playing. No wondering if Isaac is going to call. And Isaac loves her. It all seems so easy.

At the time I remember thinking that there would come a day when I'd look back on my life, and with the perspective that hindsight gives us, I'd decide that it really was that easy finding my husband as well.

This year I have a different perspective though. As we read that same chapter it struck me that we have no idea how many women the servant asked to get him water. He could've been standing there all day asking woman after woman to get him some water at the well, before one of them, Rebekah, finally said she'd get water for the camels too. It wasn't just a matter of him walking over to the neighborhood well either, it was a long journey through the desert for him to get there.

And then of course getting water for the camels wasn't exactly a piece of cake for Rebekah. Camels drink a lot of water. And it took a lot of effort for her to get enough water for all those camels. Plus the trust and faith to leave your family and go out into the wilderness with someone.

And then there's Isaac who had enough faith, charity, and love to love the woman who became his wife. That's quite the faith they both had, their first date was their wedding, and it was a blind date.

So I think now, looking at that story, I can learn something different about dating from it than I thought I could 12 years ago. It does take a lot of asking. It takes repeatedly dropping your bucket into the well and drawing it back out again. It takes a journey, even if it's just a metaphorical one. And it takes choosing to develop a lot of faith, charity, and love.