What I'd really love to say.

The last time you asked me if I was pregnant I replied by pointing out that you certainly seemed interested in my sex life. Which you denied. However I pointed out that if you were asking about a pregnancy you were in fact asking about my sex life.

I thought that would be the end of it and you would realize questions like that are not appropriate.

And then last night you asked me if I wanted to hold a new baby to see if he would "rub off" on me. Apparently you have not learned. You probably think you're cute and innocent.

You are not.

The decisions of when and how many children to have is between the husband, wife, and God. It is a private, personal, sacred decision.

When to have a child and how many children to have are private decisions to be made between a husband and wife and the Lord. These are sacred decisions—decisions that should be made with sincere prayer and acted on with great faith.
Elder Neil L. Andersen, "Children," October 2011 General Conference

Your cute comments and questions are actually highly inappropriate. You have no idea what you are talking about. And it is because of your comments and questions that I will never confide any of my struggles to you.

You Shouldn't Say

Here, for your benefit, are a list of things you shouldn't say to a single person or a couple dealing with infertility.

1. "Just relax." Which goes with "It will happen when you least expect it" or its twin "Stop trying and it will happen."
Everything I've ever gotten in life was because I did something. Part of getting married is actually putting yourself out there the best you know how. People get pregnant because they do something, and in the case of infertility it's because they do a LOT of somethings. Telling someone to "just relax" is basically telling them faith doesn't need works. "Just relax" denies my works.

2. "Have you tried...? That's what worked for me."
That's wonderful. But I'm not you.

3. "I know how you feel."
Really? You've been exactly where I am with my exact background? If you have been in a similar situation it is to turn that from a "you" statement to an "I" statement. "I felt this way when..." rather than assuming you know how I feel. Or even just simply ask how I'm feeling.

4. "Everyone needs a favorite aunt." or "You can always adopt."
No, being single/infertile is not the end of the world and yes, there are other ways to be fulfilled in this life. But each person needs to figure them out on their own and it is nobody's place to say what to do next.

5. "Husbands/Kids are a lot of trouble."
I swear I'm walking out of a meeting if it ever turns into husband/kid bashing. There's a bumper sticker that says "A bad day fishing is better than a good day working." In some ways a bad day in a good marriage is better than a good day all alone.

6. "How are you doing?" when accompanied by sad puppy dog eyes of pity.
Please, hold the pity. It doesn't do anything to build anyone up. Especially if you give me pity about the area of my life that isn't going the way I want when I'm having a pretty good day in other areas of my life and would rather talk about that at the moment.

But that does not mean you should be silent and ignore reality. So here's some things you should say.

1. "Let me know if I can do anything."
And mean it. And then leave it.

2. "How are you doing?" when accompanied by genuine interest in my life as a whole.
Simply acknowledging there is more to my life than my marital/parental status is huge. When I want to talk about the marital/parental stuff I will, but if I don't bring it up, maybe you shouldn't either. The friends I appreciate the most are those who don't always press for details and who acknowledge me as a whole person.

The best response I've gotten about our infertility was when I told a friend why I couldn't schedule a meeting with her for a certain week because I wasn't sure what I'd be doing medically that week because of the next step we were taking and she replied with the most genuine and excited, "That's great!" She didn't give advice. She didn't give pity. She didn't judge. The most she's said since was to tell me once that she was thinking about us and praying for us. And isn't that what we all need.

You're doing it wrong

I apparently did it wrong.

Lately I've heard two people say things that are often said in one way or another, and honestly, I think it's those people who are wrong, not me. I'll talk about the other person later

Last week I was at a youth event and one of the other youth leaders told one of the teenage boys that every dollar he spends on a girl before his mission is a dollar spent on someone else's wife, implying he shouldn't spend a lot on girls before his mission. Which was odd. Because every dollar a guy spends on a girl before his marriage is a dollar spent on someone else's wife, not just before his mission. It's a weird way to look at it anyway because until a guy marries a girl, some other guy is spending money on his wife. So really, stop worrying about it already and go date! (if you are over 16)

However the leader then went on to say that a young man who recently got married had "done it right" because he'd only dated one other girl after his mission before getting married. Is that really the "right" way to do it? Not all of the adults standing around know that HP and I got married in our 30s, but he did. He'd known and watched us since I moved to the same town as HP about four years ago.

So I followed up by asking him if he thought HP and I had done it wrong since we'd dated a lot of people after our missions before finding each other and getting married. Which flubbed him up a bit and he had no answer so he had to pretend I hadn't said anything.

Truth is, we didn't do it wrong, because there is no one right way to do it. Good for that couple that got married that fast. But I wouldn't have done it any other way for us. There is no wrong way.

Of attraction and "You Never Know"

I DO know. I know that I am NOT attracted to men who are shorter than me, thinner than me, or who have smaller feet and hands than I do.

At nearly 5'9", I'm a taller-than-average woman. I have long arms and legs, and, yes, bigger-than-average feet and hands. Thanks to genetics, they're well-proportioned and well-shaped, with long slender fingers and toes (my second toe is nearly as long as my pinky finger, which is fun to demonstrate when people don't beleive me). If anything other than average, my bone structure is on a slightly smaller scale, but I'm not one of those size 2 women with a 24" waist. I am, I think, at a fairly healthy weight--the 20 pounds I've gained over the last several years at a desk job haven't made a HUGE difference in my overall size, and I've never gone past a certain weight (either low or high) so my body is pretty set within a 30 pound range of what I weighed in high school (I was pretty skinny during puberty).

While most of my friends were getting over their gawky stage, I was in the thick of it at 17. I'd grown an inch and a half sometime between junior and senior years, and I grew an additional half inch (and half a shoe size) after high school. I was suddenly taller than a lot of my friends and felt awkward and gangly--thank goodness for childhood dance lessons, or I'd probably have been even MORE clumsy. I had these arms and feet and legs that got in the way and for a while I could walk down the middle of a wide hallway and still end up with bruises on my elbows.

My feet were average until 8th grade, when I suddenly realized I couldn't borrow my mom's shoes anymore. By the time I was 15, I was wearing size 9 shoes and I was only 5'4" tall; I felt like a clown. I have a difficult time finding gloves big enough to accommodate the space between my index finger and my thumb, but small enough that my fingers aren't swimming in them. Long enough skirts and pants are also hard to find, and I won't get into my shoe issues except to say that I'm so grateful I don't also have wide feet. I feel for those of you who do, especially if your feet are a size 9 or more.

Although I've maintained my weight and I'm not quite overweight for my height, I know it's a possibility if I don't exercise. I see women at work who have been in desk jobs for 15 or 20 years and have gained a lot of weight. It wears on them; one woman can't walk down the hall without panting and sweating. I honestly think that the hand genetics dealt me doesn't include the morbid obesity card, but that doesn't mean I get a free pass. I don't want to get too thin, either, because that would be unhealthy. Women who talk about wanting to get back to their high school weight don't realize that I didn't start puberty until I was 15. If I ever get as thin as I was in high school (somewhere between 120 and 130 pounds), there is probably something very wrong with me.

Now that I've established my size history, perhaps you'll understand that when my ex-fiance (just two inches taller than me) quoted the weight loss goal he was trying to attain, and it was just 10 pounds more than the weight I already was, I felt very insecure talking to him about my extra weight. He said he wasn't bothered by my high heels, but in the end I think he was. I felt huge around him sometimes even though he was stronger than me.

I don't want to feel huge around my husband. I am insecure about enough things that I don't want to be insecure about my weight, shoe size, height, or hands. When I've held hands with men whose fingers are shorter than mine, I feel huge (unless their hands are actually BIGGER). I work with an attractive man who I outweigh by 30 pounds, so I don't even go there. I was once cast in a play opposite a man who was 2 or 3 inches shorter than me and at least 35 pounds thinner. I did my best to act the part well and to let my character be attracted to him, but it was a huge relief when he had to drop the show and was replaced by someone much taller. I've been out with wonderful men with small hands and feet and, much as I like them as friends, I'm much more comfortable around someone bigger than me. I like feeling secure that if something happened to me, the man I'm with could easily help me get to safety.

I am just not attracted to men who are smaller than me. I wouldn't go out with one in pursuit of a relationship. So for all those women who say "you never know!" I would like to say, YES. I DO know. I don't think God wants me to be in an eternal marriage with someone to whom I'm not attracted, and I am not attracted to men who are shorter or thinner than me, so stop assuming I'm just being picky and close-minded. I really do mean it when I tell you that I won't marry someone with smaller feet than me--I really don't need him trying on my shoes and commenting on how big they are. . .

Family of One?

The First Presidency message in April 2007 was by President Faust and was titled "Enriching Your Marriage." Why do I remember this four years later?

In 2007 I was single. I was living alone. I wasn't really dating anyone. And I was also in a really rough spot in my life. When the calendar switched over from 2006 to 2007 I actually broke down in tears because I was terrified of what would happen in 2007, and it was a killer of a year. I had read the message before my home teachers came that month and I was looking forward to discussing it with them. However, when they came, they shared with me an article in Wired magazine about happiness. Wired? Really? As someone seriously struggling with depression at that moment, that was not what I needed to talk about.

So why would my home teachers choose to share something from Wired rather than the message from someone we sustain as a prophet? I can only conclude that they felt extremely uncomfortable talking about strengthening a marriage with someone that wasn't married. (I was not in a single's ward at the time, my home teachers were married. I think that's important to realize.) And why would that make them uncomfortable? Because single people don't have any family.

Right?

WRONG!

That is something I have heard so many times I couldn't begin to count. You're single. You don't have any family. And it couldn't be more wrong.

Even when I was single, even when I lived all alone, I had family. I have parents. I have siblings. I have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, so much family. And I had the promise from God of more family after me, a husband and children. I don't know anyone who doesn't have room to strengthen their relationships with their family. The more I knew about having a strong marriage before I got married, the stronger foundation my marriage would have.

Single people don't have family? The people I know who have the BEST relationship with their families are often single people. My dad's cousin never married, but she knows our family better than anyone. If you want to know anything about my genealogy on that side, ask her. When she leaves this world there will be SOOO many family members to welcome her, and she KNOWS them. She has a very strong relationship with her family.

I even had family home evening when I was single (it often involved a bubble bath). The more strength I had with my family at that time would be strength I could take with me into my expanding family. Habits do not change at a wedding. Habits that enrich and strengthen a family start long before a wedding.

Family of one? Such a thing just doesn't exist.

Give Me SOME Credit

I have a certain very sweet coworker. She's always bringing me advice or ideas for my job hunt or why can't her son meet a girl like me instead of the girl he's dating or that if I walk to work she's going to drive me home because she doesn't think its safe and so on.

Today, we ran into each other in the hall and were exchanging our usual pleasantries. We discussed how I can't meet anyone at work and I told her a funny story about a time when I had to pretend my best guy friend was my boyfriend so that this other guy would stop hitting on me. Then I said, "On the other hand, I kind of met someone last week."

"Oh? At that [our field] event?"

"Actually, yes."

"So he's a [what we are]?"

"Yep."

"He'll never make any money."

"So? Neither will I. Doesn't matter to me. I'm not in it for the money."

"You say that now . . ."

ACK! Really? Just be happy for me, mmmkay?

And everything else? I appreciate your concern, but I have a mother, thanks.

What do you say?

HP and I helped out at a community booth thing at the neighborhood park recently. At our booth we were handing out information, and homemade cookies. After several times I started to find it real funny that the parents wouldn't say "Thank you" when they took a cookie. Instead they'd turn to their child, who also had a cookie, and say "What do you say?" I started to wonder how old I have to be before I can say "What do you say?" when someone does something for me instead of "Thank you."

Last week Jinxie wrote about running a single household. Before she put it up she asked me if running a house by yourself was just as hard, if not harder, than doing it with someone.

My living space is more than twice what it was before. There are two bathrooms where there was just one. There are two living rooms where there was just one. The bedroom is bigger. My last apartment had four rooms (kitchen, living, bathroom, bedroom), and this house has eight. So vacuuming takes a little bit longer, but really once you're cleaning it's just as easy to clean a little more. Plus there's the whole yard thing now too that apartments don't have.

Cooking for one is actually harder than cooking for two. It's easier to cook for more people, which is why I actually cook more now than before. It takes the same number of pots to cook for both of us than it did to cook for just me. And again, if you are already washing one plate it's just that easy to clean one more.

Laundry is a bit more than before. We do five loads every two weeks instead of the three I did before. But again, the increase in effort isn't the same as the increase in tasks.

So what does all this have to do with saying "Thank you"? I lived completely on my own, no roommates, for over 7 years before I got married. I did every single household chore myself every single time it needed to be done. HP lived with male roommates for six of the last nine years since college, and from the stories he told that meant he did a lot more than just clean up after himself. We've both done everything that needed to be done.

While it might seem silly, we both say "Thank you" a whole lot now. Because every time he cleans up the dishes (which is more times than I do because I don't like dishes), I say "Thank you" because it means I won't have to do them later. Every time I go out and water the lawn (because plants are cool!) he says "Thank you" because it means he doesn't have to. I think one of the things we learned being single for so long was just how much it takes to run a house, and so we are both appreciative of what the other does.

The fact that he's at work today while I'm getting vacation laundry done doesn't mean I won't thank him when he gets home from work. Because he's earning money for our house means that's something less for me to worry about. And I'd bet the house that he'll thank me for doing laundry when he gets home because it means he didn't have to worry about it while he was at work. Being single I would've been wondering how many loads of laundry I could finish between getting home from work and needing to get to bed and when I'd manage to cook dinner somewhere in between.

Some older "knowing" couples have told us to "just wait" till he stops offering to help with the dishes or I stop taking out the trash. Just wait until we stop being appreciative of each other? I hope that never happens.

Third Wheel

I have been blessed with married friends who have sense on how to "deal" with singletons. By deal, of course, I mean treat like normal people, friends who see me as everything I am including a singleton. I also like that I'm friends with both halves of the couple and feel equally comfortable talking to either of them. It's not awkward being the "third wheel" if I don't have anyone to bring around. I think it helps that with the two local couple friends I see the most, I met both of them around the same time and that I've known one of the couples since we were in high school (and they weren't a couple yet). He used to have such nice hair . . .

I recently bonded with another married woman. We met a few years ago and see each other regularly, but for various reasons haven't clicked until the last few weeks. I honestly feel like I've wasted so much time not getting to this know dear friend before, since we just clicked once we really started talking, but I'm thrilled to have her in my life now. Of course, now that we ARE friends, it didn't take long before I met the husband I'd heard so much about.

I don't think he knew what to do with me.

When I visited their family last week, we were properly introduced, but only moments later he told his wife, not me, that her friend needed to move her car since the neighbor was complaining. I don't think he even looked at me the rest of the time I was there.

I was concerned for the next several days that it was going to always be like this. I'd heard such wonderful things about him, and my friend loved him, of course, so I hoped it was just that I was new to him, not that he didn't like me or was concerned about my personal status. (e.g. Oh no! Single female! Married man! Inappropriate!). If I'm going to part of her life, I'd like to get to know her whole family too, just so that we're all comfortable around each other.

I didn't get a chance to talk to my friend about it before I arrived again last night. I was staying at their house for the night, as I'd flown into the airport near their house quite late and didn't want to make the drive all the way home at that hour.

Fortunately, it was much nicer experience. As soon as my friend and I entered, he asked how I was, and then showed me around the room I'd be sleeping in. This morning was equally cordial.

I was glad that I worried for nothing. I hope we can even be friends eventually.

The good news is that I've never had to worry about my friends' children liking me. Even this couple's 3-year-old warmed up to me unusually fast, or so I'm told.

I hope that when I am married, I can return the favor my married friends have given me.

Substitution

I recently attended a dinner party comprised of three married couples, a single male friend, and myself. Somehow, the subject of the various forms of online communication was brought up - email, blogs, Facebook, Twitter, etc.

We had organized this dinner via Facebook and email, and at least half of us have blogs, so we all understand the appeal of them. It was the use of Twitter we debated. One of the other women tried it, didn't really get it, and stopped tweeting pretty quickly. I was the one who taught the other singleton about it a few months ago, because I do use it (as my real self), regularly. No one else had really even tried it, so of course they don't understand it.

One of the husbands said something to the affect that whatever he has to share that he might tweet about, if he tweeted, he just shares with his wife. He may have added another comment, but I can't remember at this point. Whether he meant to or not, his subtext was that maybe I wouldn't need to tweet if I had a spouse to talk to, that I was substituting my lack of romantic life with an online one.

I took the bait and told him that maybe he was right. I do live alone and have my own office at work, seeing only one or two people in person a day on average, so maybe I do need an online outlet to get my daily connection fix. We all shrugged and the conversation changed.

Then I got to thinking about it. Maybe he is right. On the other hand, maybe he isn't. Yes, the internet, in all its outlets, is my primary form of communication these days, but I'm generally talking to people I know in real life. My boss and colleagues and I communicate via email, as we all work in different buildings in our local metropolitan area. Trixie, Roxie, and I chat online almost everyday. My extended family writes emails to each other at least weekly (my immediate family I do talk to on the phone). My Tweeps (followers on Twitter) and Facebook friends are mostly actual friends and we rely on the internet to communicate around the globe. I'm not just posting to the void, I'm talking to actual people I know and love, and a few friendly strangers who are listening in.

I don't think this will stop when I have a boyfriend or husband. It hasn't stopped for Roxie. Many of the other people I read via blogs or Twitter are married or otherwise involved. So, for this husband, it's not his way of communicating with the outside world, but it is mine and there's nothing wrong with that.

A shift of goals

Years ago I decided that when I got engaged I did NOT want to put any roommates through the annoying gushiness that my engaged roommates put me through when they got engaged. People in love are wonderful, but when they do so at the exclusion of everyone around them, it can get to be too much. I kind of think I managed to reach that goal. I did have moments of overly gushiness, but I tried to keep it on-line so that if people wanted to ignore it, they easily could.

Now HP and I have decided on a new goal. We don't want to be annoying newlyweds. We don't want to be the type that go around and tell all our single friends how great married life is and how they should really get married or that if they did what we did that they would for sure get married or that we know the perfect person for them and can we set them up. We also still don't want to make those around us uncomfortable. Sure our method and path worked for us, but that doesn't mean if someone else does exactly what we did that they'll get married. Each of us are individuals and we each have our own path to walk down.

This has been the path we've walked down, and I've loved where I've ended up (although along the way there were certain spots that I thought really shouldn't have been on the scenic tour). I can't wait to see where the individual paths of Jinxie, Trixie, and so many others of my single friends take them. I hope they can count me as a cheerleader rather than a blind guide on their individual path.

Let me know if I get annoying, okay?

That's, um, inspiring

Roxie posted a list of how to annoy a singleton. Here's my new one from today.

I was in Institute (a mid-week gospel oriented class geared toward the 18-30 set) this evening and we had a substitute teacher. Granted, she was a little nervous throughout and she did allude to getting married a little bit older, so I'll cut her a some slack. Still, her ending to the class caused a small curious head tilt.

I enjoyed teaching tonight. Good luck to all of you in . . . everything . . . in the coming, um, however many years. Just wait until you get married and have kids. And I thought being single was hard. class laughs awkwardly In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen. rushed as she sits I meant being pregnant. That's what's hard.

So much to look forward to!