Sunday, May 15, 2011


I was able to spend my evening in the temple after a day of (bits of) reorganizing and dejunking and I felt SO GREAT after I was done in the temple, and then I went to the store and was hit with a wave of disappointment. I'm not entirely sure what set it off, but I know part of it had to do with the sudden awareness that someone avoided me and I don't know why he did. He flashed past my peripheral vision on his way to the check-out and by the time I realized he'd walked right past without even a nod, he was gone. He also isn't following my Twitter feed anymore, which just added to the disappointment. I'm fully aware that sometimes I whine and complain on Twitter--it's a defense mechanism, I guess, so I don't take it out on people within a physical radius--but I've tried really hard to be positive or at least funny. Maybe I'm not positive or funny enough, but then I saw a group of friends at a wedding reception last night who kept telling me how positive and funny I was. Go figure.

As I ate my very late dinner of peanut butter toast and a glass of milk, I got to thinking about other recent disappointments:

David tells me how great I am, asks when I'm going to visit him, consults me on his house remodel, says if he had a million dollars he'd buy me a new car, tells me I'm pretty. . .and then vents about how he can't find anyone pretty/smart/faithful enough to marry.

Campbell hasn't talked to me in more than 3 months and I don't know what I did to earn his repulsion. The last time he talked to me, he mentioned how he hadn't been able to find anyone to interest him so he was resorting to an online dating profile--keep in mind he said all this while showing me pictures of his family and sitting right next to me on my couch and complimenting my outfit and remembering conversations we had months ago and winking at me occasionally. What gives?!

The General obviously thinks I'm too old for him, even though we're barely a year apart. I saw him this week, too, and he updated me on his life after giving me a great big hug, but I know he's more interested in chasing 20-year-olds (and acting like one) than in someone who can meet him intellectually.

Ken has known me for almost 20 years and is one of the funniest and sweetest people I know, and on the rare occasions we actually see each other, we seem to get along pretty well and have a variety of mutual interests. There's probably potential for something at some point (I know that could be the case with a lot of people), but we live 40 miles apart and I'm not nearly as athletic as the girls he probably wants to date.

Super Girl seems to change her personality to exactly match whoever she's dating, and this time is no exception. It's bad enough that I'm worried I won't even be able to talk to her again without feeling like I'm being judged for everything from what I eat to the books I read. She's a strong, independent woman who has done SO much to improve her life that it kills me to see her subsume so much of herself just because she's seeing someone new. I feel like I've lost the close friend I had a couple of years ago, and I don't know if it's even worth fixing now.

Diane moved back to the state to live with her parents and transfer to another job, and I am almost emotionally exhausted just thinking about her living in the same city as me again. Needless to say, I am ignoring any attempts on her part to renew a relationship of any kind. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to let that person back into your life, right?

So, I am having one of those rare "why aren't I good enough" nights. I feel exactly good enough in the temple, exactly good enough around a few people, but there are times I wonder what in the world is wrong with me--am I not friendly enough? Don't I laugh enough? Do I have hobbies that are too weird? Is it a turn-off that I love cats and babies? Should I make more of an effort to wear mascara every day? Am I too smart or opinionated? Am I too much of a homebody? Am I just too old?

Sometimes I honestly don't understand what part of me is so horrifying that no one wants to spend any time with me.


Valerie said...

I don't know you at all and just started reading your group's blog, but want to say that I'm sorry you had such a hard night. I know that there are times that I am feeling happy and hopeful and then for some reason (often nothing I can figure out), I feel so very down. I have the same feelings as you and appreciate reading them, knowing I am not alone.

I don't know you, but I know that you aren't too anything to be loved. Heavenly Father loves you just as you are, but I'm sure that there is a man who would love you just as you are. Unfortunately, you have to wait for him to be ready for you and your greatness. :) Waiting is not easy! I'm not doing such a good job at it. Hope today was better for you.

Roxie said...


Lisa Ann said...

I remember feeling the same way turning 33 and not dating anyone. Why wasn't I attracting guys that wanted to be in a relationship with me? Then the month after I graduated from college, I met my husband and we married the following May. It happened real fast. You are good enough...that's all you need to remember.