After almost 3 years, countless prayers, the biggest test of our faith and hope we've had yet, I must say how truly grateful I am for:
This week is shaping up to be very busy: it's the culmination of the project I've been working on (how cryptic can I be...) but after this week, I won't be gone every night which will be a relief! Now I just have to determine how to use my spare time wisely so I can finish up some other projects before heading Elsewhere for Christmas. I'm also teaching in church on Sunday, practicing for a Christmas concert, exploring education options, and a few other things. I have a full plate, but I enjoy so much of it.
My bishop told me the other day that I should think about uncomplicating my life. When I got home, I listed the things I do on a regular basis and realized that the THINGS aren't necessarily complicating my life, but my THOUGHTS are. I am feeling a lot of (mostly) self-imposed stress about things I can't really control, and, because I get so caught up in worrying, it's making it hard to do anything at all. That's when things get complicated. I do need more quiet time. I need more time doing the things I want/need to do and less time worrying about how to get it all done. That means I need to calm down, do one thing at a time, and stop panicking about my family's financial situation in January. It has been an extremely difficult year in my house--without going into too much detail, I will say that the recession has hit my dad's business very hard. Without us pooling our limited resources, we might have lost our home. As it is, sometimes we barely make it through a month and in January, it will get even harder because of some health issues that need to be taken care of despite the loss of income it will entail. We can't afford to lose any income, but we also can't afford to have a more significant loss of income if these health problems aren't taken care of now.
Can I control any of this? Not really. Can I look for a better-paying job in order to help more? Yes, I can. Can I MAKE someone hire me? No. So what do I do in the meantime? I pray, I work, I try to find ways to make a little extra money, I support my family in good health and bad, I fast, I pray, I pray, I pray. I'm doing everything I can and freaking out about things I can't control will only use up energy I need to live this life.
Somehow, things will work out. They always do. And I'm grateful for Roxie and Jinxie who give me perspective and tell me to calm down when I get frantic.
One of my favorite quotes about hope is:
Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.
- Shawshank Redemption
I recently heard a father talking about his son who had recently gotten married. He actually said, "We'd almost given up hope" because this poor son had hit 30 before getting married.
How sad is that!?! Parents giving up hope on their kids. That's kind of rotten parenting isn't it?
Now, I'm pretty sure that isn't what that father meant, but that doesn't mean I haven't heard it many times in many places. However, the words that come out of your mouth reflect the thoughts rolling around in your head. So if you're saying you have no hope in your kids than somewhere you're thinking they are a lost cause.
I never lost hope in myself. It might have dimmed at times but it never went out. Don't lose hope. Don't let it die. Have true hope and faith.
Well, it's been two weeks since the demise of my relationship with Sk8er Boi. I'll be honest, I still miss him, though it is transitioning from missing him to just missing being in something.
The very beginning of relationship is so much fun, right? The giggling when he does something so sweet, the anticipation of that first kiss (or even the 27th, because it's still so new), wondering what he has planned for your next date. The butterflies. The new sparks. That first time you hold hands.
Except I kind of hate it.
In the midst of all that new and exciting cuteness, there's the insecurity that comes from none of your last several guys making it past a month for often indiscernible reasons, so why should this time be any different? There's the fact that you're still learning to communicate with each other, and you're not quite sure when he's teasing or being serious or what his love language is and neither is he about you.
Today, for example, we sent text messages back and forth for a few hours and instead of focusing on the the facts that he called me "hun" twice in one text last night, then sent me a text relatively soon after waking today, and our texts today ranged from intellectual to flirty and remained constant until he got to work, my brain keeps pointing out that he hasn't called me by any term of endearment yet today, nor have we set up any plans for tomorrow when we're both finally free, and that I had to initiate our conversation after work last night.
Why, brain? Why?
I would much rather be in that comfortable middle ground, where you're definitely in a relationship and while there are still risks and potential exits, it's more secure. You know each other better, can read each other's moods, and are cementing stronger communication patterns to work out the little kinks or even the not so little ones.
Yes, the beginning of something new can be crazy awesome. I happen to love that we text each other good night and good morning and talk everyday, even if we don't see each other more than two or three times a week yet. Considering the circumstances of his last relationship and how it ended, I'm pretty sure he's not a runner. I just have to remember to take a breath. We're taking things slow and talking LOTS, so we're good. We have to go through this insecure part to get to the comfortable middle anyway.
Am I crazy? Have you experienced the same thing? Should I just ask if he still wants to go out tomorrow and stop worrying about it?
Unexplained.
That's the one word answer to why.
After trying for a year on our own we were officially labeled "infertile" by the medical community. I'm never one for labels, but that one really hurt. And I've shed several tears about it.
Since the beginning of 2011 I've averaged one doctor appointment a week. Sometimes I get a week off but that generally just means two the following week. Try working your schedule around that. Every week someone is poking something into me - needles, speculums, ultrasound wands. I've actually mastered the art of peeing in a cup now too.
And after all that the answer came back - unexplained. Both of us work great. But for some unexplained reason we just aren't working together.
Every prayer I offer is a plea for guidance, understanding, and peace, as well as children. I've spent nights wondering if I'm not worthy to be a mom, which I know is crazy. I've cried that I can't fulfill the commandment to "multiply and replenish the earth and have joy therein." I feel broken. Even though medically speaking I'm not.
We have told a few people what we are going through, but that number is extremely small. The last thing I need is bad advice ("just relax and it will happen", "just stop trying and it will happen"). The last thing I need is everyone asking how things are going. A few people who need to understand my schedule a bit know just that I have some health issues we're working on.
I've lost my innocence about the miracle of birth. It's no longer something that my husband and I do together. It's something that's going to involve medical equipment and sterile things and more poking. The odds of us finding out we're expecting in the quiet of the morning (with my new found peeing in a cup talents) and being able to be the only people who know and revel in that miracle for a while are pretty much zero at this point. Now it'll be more poking, a blood draw, and a phone call.
And that's why I'm not a mom.
I've been watching a lot of How I Met Your Mother lately, thanks to the reruns being in syndication on cable. The whole premise of this show is this father is telling his kids the story of how he met their mother. Naturally, there is a lot of talk of relationships as the characters move in and out of them fairly consistently.
I don't usually get anything incredibly insightful out of it, though it's an interesting take on modern relationships and it really is pretty funny.
Tonight, however, I watched an episode where Ted (the main character) runs into an old girlfriend, Stella. At the end of the episode, Stella tells Ted a story of how she once talked her way out of a speeding ticket. The cop pulled her over and walked up to her car and said "Young lady, I have been waiting for you all day." Stella looked up at him and said "I'm sorry, officer, I got here as fast as I could." When Ted asks if that really happened, she says no, it's just an old joke. Then she says that "the one" for Ted is coming "just as fast as she can".
That really struck me.
To my future husband, I say:
Baby, I'm coming, just as fast as I can, and I know you are too. I can't wait to see you and get started on the rest of our lives together! I know you're worth the wait! I love you!
I love the song Somebody by Depeche Mode. It's such a wonderful list of things a lover/spouse/best friend should be, and I want all of it.
I also want to add to it.
I want somebody who will call when they say will, and even just because.
I want somebody who can make me laugh.
I want somebody who will dance with me in the kitchen.
I want somebody who I can kiss anytime I want.
I want somebody who will paint my toenails when I can't reach them anymore.
I want somebody who knows me better than anyone.
And most of all, I want somebody who leaves me absolutely no doubt about how he feels about me.
I have nothing deep or profound to say about being single today, so I'll just say this:
Maybe my dissatisfaction with my job, current career path into a brick wall, and longing to stay home and can things/scrub floors/paint/weed/chase children is all just God's way of telling me not to get so caught up in work and further education that I can't (or won't) make the adjustment to wife and mother when I get married. Maybe it's His way of reminding me where my priorities should ultimately be: raising children and being a good wife and mother when the time comes.
Hm. Maybe that IS deep and profound, after all.
I see a lot of reference to Plan A being "get married, have kids" and Plan B being "have a career until Plan A kicks in."
Frankly, I'm tired of the world-creating a false dichotomy- you either want Plan A or Plan B. I always wanted both plans. I didn't see my education/career as something that got in the way of marriage/children. I don't see marriage/children as something that eliminates my need for education/career.
My Plan A works together with my Plan B. Right now, I am working. Maybe someday I will be a SAHM. Maybe someday I will be whatever acronym we apply to working mothers. Maybe someday I will go back to school. Who knows?
I guess what I am not-so-clearly saying is that I never really had a Plan A (get married, have kids) or a Plan B (get a degree, have career.)
I had a Plan Kick@$$. Degrees! Jobs! Relationships! Potential for spit-up and barf! What is not to love about Plan Kick@$$?
Just a couple of pictures. Infographics, if you will. Click to enlarge.
Mail to a 6-year-old. Dating for me.
This year we are studying the Old Testament in Sunday School. Twelve years ago when we were studying it, the story of Abraham's servant finding Rebekah for Isaac stood out to me. It seemed so easy. The servant asks her for water, she waters the camels, and then Rebekah and Isaac get married. No game playing. No wondering if Isaac is going to call. And Isaac loves her. It all seems so easy.
At the time I remember thinking that there would come a day when I'd look back on my life, and with the perspective that hindsight gives us, I'd decide that it really was that easy finding my husband as well.
This year I have a different perspective though. As we read that same chapter it struck me that we have no idea how many women the servant asked to get him water. He could've been standing there all day asking woman after woman to get him some water at the well, before one of them, Rebekah, finally said she'd get water for the camels too. It wasn't just a matter of him walking over to the neighborhood well either, it was a long journey through the desert for him to get there.
And then of course getting water for the camels wasn't exactly a piece of cake for Rebekah. Camels drink a lot of water. And it took a lot of effort for her to get enough water for all those camels. Plus the trust and faith to leave your family and go out into the wilderness with someone.
And then there's Isaac who had enough faith, charity, and love to love the woman who became his wife. That's quite the faith they both had, their first date was their wedding, and it was a blind date.
So I think now, looking at that story, I can learn something different about dating from it than I thought I could 12 years ago. It does take a lot of asking. It takes repeatedly dropping your bucket into the well and drawing it back out again. It takes a journey, even if it's just a metaphorical one. And it takes choosing to develop a lot of faith, charity, and love.
It was a lovely Saturday. Just me and him. We slept late, then went out for brunch. Back at home, we started up our project for the day. After a bit, he was fine on his own, and I was sleepy, so I napped on the couch for a bit. When I woke up, he was waiting for a process to finish on our project and was working on one of his own.
"I'm glad you're up," he said kindly, "Can you give me a hand with this?"
And so I did. We went back to working on our project, and when I wasn't needed, I laid down on the floor near him and read a whole book cover to cover. He also did laundry and picked up the bedroom a little. Throughout the day, we exchanged discussion, banter, and smiles. Eventually, we got hungry again, so we debated dinner options before going to the grocery store together and picking up supplies. Of course, we made dinner together, and it was quite tasty (especially after we microwaved it a little longer so the salmonella didn't kill us). After dinner, we worked on our project until we reached a point it where we'd have to leave it overnight. Then, it was shower time for him and bed time for both of us. I went to bed smiling, knowing we'd finish our project tomorrow and because the whole day was just plain nice.
This day really did happen. In fact, this was last Saturday. The only problem? He = JT. Our project = working on my computers. Obviously, we woke up and went to sleep in our own beds, in our own apartments, and paid separately for brunch. Our banter and smiles were those of close friends. His girlfriend was well informed of the situation, that we'd be getting together for snarled up computer fun. I'm sure she would have been around, except that she was gone on business. We didn't exactly plan to spend the whole day together, but I'm sure he told her. We're also working out a potential double date so she can continue to get to know me as a non-threat.
The point is not look-at-how-just-friends-we-are. The point is that it was a seriously great day with just me and a guy I care about (though just as friends right now - seriously), doing normal, everyday things around the house and enjoying each others' company. Since all I've done for the last few years is try on guys who never last more than a few weeks, it's refreshing to get the occasional glimpse of life with a guy without the tension. After days like this, that remind me what I'm working for, I look forward to it being a permanent thing.
Well, this is kind of sad.
Everyone keeps wishing us a happy first Christmas together. What do you want to bet that next year nobody will mention that it's our second Christmas together? But it was a good Christmas.
HP mentioned the other night that in the past he always felt that he needed to be moving on with his life at the holidays, that he was still doing what he'd always done and needed to do something more in the next year. I think a lot of people would say that about the holidays. And just like Big Bird, some times it's people we want more than things for Christmas, whether that's to be with our family we've always had, or the family we will have some day.
(I've never danced on the telephone either Big Bird.)
Or, if you prefer a more grown-up version of that idea that's not exactly tied to a holiday, Michael Bublé's latest song "Haven't Met You Yet" is absolutely wonderful (and quite possibly the theme song for this blog).
There were so many times when I just knew that things would be great and I'd be willing to work through all the things that weren't so great just as soon as I met the right person. And if there's anything I learned through my dating experiences, you really never do know when you'll meet them.
Remember that topic Jinxie suggested? The one that got replaced by this post? Turns out I remembered what I was originally going to write about that day, and here it is!
Last year (2008) I had the opportunity to go on four dates. I don't date very much at all, you see, and I never really have, so last year was interesting. Three of the four dates were blind dates set up by well-meaning friends, and not one of them was really worth a second date for me. Nice enough men, but too many things that didn't gel, and that's ok. I don't think I'll write about them, because I do not want to be unkind in any way, real or imagined. Let's just say that I'm glad there was only one date from each of them (even though I actually dropped the ball with the nicest of them, which is a shame). :)
The fourth date was with a friend of a friend. (Do you know how hard it is to come up with code names for people that aren't so specific I'll give myself away, but that aren't so vague that I forget who they are...?) Q is a dear friend of mine and is very talented in many ways. He invited me to join him and some friends for a movie night in September 2008. I showed up to the basement apartment (a hazard of living in an area with two universities within 12 miles of each other) and realized I was the only girl there. This was not a new situation to me--I went for several years being the token female in a couple of apartments, which is always fun and a little unnerving. What was new was the company. Besides Q, I didn't really know anyone there except Reed, who I had met the previous month at another party. I ended up on the couch between Reed and Q and started gently flirting with Reed, joking and making him laugh. Eventually we walked over to Reed's house for pizza and another movie, and he found out that I'd never seen "Firefly". At the end of the night, he suggested getting together sometime to watch it together and I heartily agreed.
A couple of weeks later, he got in touch with me about his proposed date, and we made plans to meet at his house and get some Indian take-out. While our meal was being prepared, we walked around, enjoying the mild weather and some fun little shops down the street from the restaurant. He seemed to like watching my interest in the silly things I'm interested in, and listened with patience and, I think, some enjoyment, to me talk about something important to me. Our food smelled WONDERFUL in the car on the way to his apartment and tasted even better when we got settled in front of the TV. I really enjoyed talking to him and listening to the things he was passionate about, and "Firefly" totally delighted me. At one point, I put my head on his shoulder and he played a little with my hair. It was such a great date, even though I'd had a tiny eye infection from my contacts and couldn't wear any makeup OR my contacts, so I felt a little homely.
He hugged me goodbye and we made tentative plans to get together to watch the rest of the series soon. I drove home smiling--I'd finally gone out with someone attractive to me who had enough similar interests to keep the conversation from lagging or getting awkward. He didn't think my opinions were too strange or too strong. I loved listening to him talk about what he wanted to do with his life. I really looked forward to our next date.
Well, the next date never happened. I ran into him at an event a couple of weeks later and found out he was dating someone else. I was a little disappointed, but I focused on how great our only date had been and realized that, even though things didn't happen the way I wanted them to, it was still great. When I found out he and his girlfriend had broken up, I was sad for both of them.
I don't think I'll ever go out with him again, but I know that whenever I see him, I can be friendly and kind with no bitterness about what might have been. That's a great feeling to have! Here's to more dates like that, and here's hoping at least one of them turns into something a little more significant! After all, it's been a long time since I was kissed... ;)
I have gone out with several non-members in my dating career, especially since I live in an area where members are the minority. Sometimes it was because I was bored and making use of various online dating sites and sometimes it's because I'm heavily involved in the community and just naturally meet these men.
Generally, I prefer the latter, as I've been avoiding the former now for quite a while. Regardless, dating non-members is something I'm open to. Trixie recently explained that for some, dating non-members is giving up. Erin commented, saying that love and compatibility are the important thing.
In my experience, it can be either.
The times I have trolled online dating sites, it really was because I was bored and giving up. No on else was paying attention to me, so maybe I'd find someone in the ether of the interwebs. I even used Craigslist personals. These were not my finer moments. I did get some dates, met some interesting people, but they all ended after a date or two. While online dating may work for some people, it doesn't work for me, and I've gotten it out of my system.
When I met these non-member men the way you should, by working with them on something and/or becoming friends and then maybe something more, I went out with them because they were genuinely good men. Regardless of their religious affiliation, we shared interests and moral values and we wanted to get to know each other better. If I date a non-member now, this is how it started.
It can be argued that dating non-members is better than dating members. They don't always have the same societal pressures to date and marry we do, so they aren't as weird about it. They aren't inundated with the same amount of gorgeous, spiritually minded, good girls that members are, especially those in singles wards, so they are more impressed with us, and act like it.
That's not why I'm willing to do it. I don't do it because I'm giving up. I do it because I'm leaving my options open. It is possible that I'm doing some "conflirting" or "flirt to convert" and hoping that whoever I'm dating will join the Church, but I'm not obstinate about it. I'm clear about how important it is to me, but as long as they respect my beliefs, and their beliefs do not contradict mine, I'll respect theirs. Perhaps their involvement with me will be their introduction to the Church, and I want to be the best example of a loving, inclusive daughter of God that I can be. I won't reject a good, responsible man immediately just because he isn't a member of my Church.
I'm not saying Trixie is wrong (and she knows this) for choosing to not date non-LDS men. I just know that if I had this same attitude, I would have missed out on getting to know some of my best friends. JT isn't LDS. The people I consider my local "family" aren't LDS. Most of my local colleagues aren't either. It's only natural that some of the men I go out with won't be.
I do want and plan to be married in the temple. I intend to continue my activity in the Church and temple attendance. I want my husband to be there with me. I already involve Heavenly Father in my dating life and try to follow the promptings of the Spirit as I make various decisions about who to date. I don't know Heavenly Father's specific plan for me, but I trust Him. If I find myself falling in love with a non-member and I feel His approval, I'll go with it. I've seen those success stories where it works. They have a happy family and sometimes the non-member half of the couple does eventually join the Church. If that's what the Lord has in store for me, who am I to ignore that?
Being sealed in the temple does not guarantee a perfect marriage. There is no such thing. It would be a challenge to date and marry someone who doesn't have my exact same beliefs, but I'd rather be in a good, loving marriage with someone who isn't LDS than a failing, loveless marriage with someone who is.
As Jinxie posted earlier, we got to be with Roxie on her wedding day, and it was wonderful. I have to admit that Jinxie and I both cried when Roxie and HP danced to their song. The room was FULL of love and it was wonderful. Wonderful wonderful.
Anyone there could tell that Roxie and HP love each other with a deep and secure love--the kind that isn't frantic or desperate or full of stress--and it spilled over onto everyone at the reception. There was a definite sense of calm and peace about them. And I did cry. Jinxie and I put our arms around each other and cried together and said "someday..." Someday, that will be us. Someday, all this waiting and faith and work and hope will be rewarded.
Someday, it will all be worth it.
Last night was hard for me, though; it didn't seem worth it at 1 AM when disappointment darkened my soul. I don't think it's a coincidence that I had a setback the day after a wonderful spiritual wedding, and it took some time for me to sort it out and start to make sense of it. This morning a friend posted this passage from Isaiah on her blog and it touched me so much. It reconfirmed that God makes up the difference:
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.
Despite it all, life is pretty good. Especially when there are promises like that to anticipate and hope and pray for.
Someday, I will know that I am loved with a deep and secure love, and that day will be wonderful!
Since I'm in The Homeland this weekend for the wedding, I was able to attend my home ward with my parents. For the first time in years, I attended the "grown up" Sunday School class.
Sidenote: There is a Young Single Adult class I have attended when my siblings are home too, but since most of the class was in Primary when I was last in the ward and it's usually taught by one of the "real" adults (or by a youth under their supervision), I feel like I'm back in Young Women's or something.
This gave me the opportunity to observe the couples in the ward who weren't split up by callings during the second hour. I noticed that almost every couple was behaving as couples are expected to - arms around each other, holding hands, etc. Even though I've known most of these people for years, I've never really had the opportunity to see them like that. They were acting just like the couples in singles wards that so many people complain about. "Ugh. Do they have to be so close in public?"
I say, why not? They're with someone they love, discussing the gospel that they love, why shouldn't a husband put his arm around his wife?
It's refreshing and hopeful to see couples, no matter how long they have been together, look at each other and act with so much love. So much love that you can see and know without a doubt that they're still happy and grateful to be in each other's lives.
At the temple earlier this week, I saw a man, who was probably in his late 70s, with his wife, and the look on his face when he looked at her was one of true and pure love. I saw that look on Handsome Prince's face on Saturday. I've seen it on my father's.
One day I'll see it on my husband's.
- Posted wirelessly by Jinxie
(I'm a little unfocused because of fatigue and sitting at a desk for the last 9 hours, so bear with me. I also plan to write more extensively about my feelings on this in another blog.)
I recently had a conversation with my dear friend David about his friend (and my former friend), Diane. He said it appears as if Diane has a boyfriend, but he's worried because this boyfriend also appears to be non-LDS. I know in some other faiths, it isn't a big deal to date or marry someone outside your belief system, but for us, it is. We believe that in order to be married eternally, in order to keep all our covenants, we need to marry someone strong in our faith and be sealed in the temple. The covenants you make in the temple are important and sacred, and not to be treated lightly, not even when it comes to romance.
What struck me about David's story is that Diane might be giving up. She might have convinced herself that no good LDS man is going to want her, so she might as well go with the guy who does. Now, if this all works out, that's great...I think. I may no longer be friends with her, but I don't want her to give up her goals and ideals just to be kissed by some guy! I don't want her to give up eternal marriage for a relationship that might not take her there! I want to shake her (and the other women like her) and say "don't you understand that it's not worth it?!"
I know there are times when this all works, when a couple from different backgrounds and faiths can live happily ever after without any pressure to join or leave a religion or confusion about what belief system their children will follow, but it doesn't always happen that way. I don't want her to get married, thinking she can convert someone, spending all her time and energy trying to change the mind of someone who isn't interested, or who is just using her, or who just married her to have sex. I've seen that happen with family and friends--over and over again, it ends in a bitter divorce that causes serious damage to self-esteem and confidence. I don't want that for her. I don't want her to give up.
Look. The only kiss I've had for the last 3 years was a stage kiss with a man 12 years younger than me. So what? It's just kissing. It's not the end of the world.
Quite frankly, kissing (sex, marriage, whatever) is not worth giving up my covenants and giving up on Heavenly Father's promises.
I will not compromise.
