Love and gratitude

And now the post I thought I would be writing last week and didn't.

My mom taught me to write thank you notes. I sent thank you notes each year to my grandpas for the birthday and Christmas gifts they gave. I wrote thank you notes to people who did nice things for me. We made sure we hand wrote personal thank you notes after our wedding. I was still getting over a hand injury from earlier in the year so I could only do five or so at a time before my hand hurt too much, but I'd do five a day till mine were all done.

I sincerely hope that hand written thank yous never disappear. Although the fact that someone thought our thank you note sent a month after the wedding was a pregnancy announcement probably says something. I never got a thank you note from that person after their wedding two years earlier either.

The first of January I was reading "The Art of Manliness" and there was a post about making a resolution to write a romantic love note to your significant other every week for a year - A Resolution for Romance: The 52 Love Notes Challenge. And I thought to myself, "self, you can do that." And I have. And it's fun, especially finding new places to hide them. And especially when I get notes back.

Except here's the problem. My love notes keep coming out like thank you notes. Thank you for your love. Thank you for the way you look at me. Thank you for always sorting the laundry. Thank you for the beautiful surprise that you are in my life.

But is that really a problem? Isn't expressing gratitude just another way to express love? Thank you notes and love notes often express the same thing, just in different forms.

The world needs more love/gratitude notes. Find someone this week you can write a note to.

Thank you dear internet for giving me a place to share my thoughts. Thank you for sharing yours with me.

So much unsaid

The last time I wrote a post for this blog was the first week of December. I wrote about how I'd really love to just tell someone flat out how inappropriate her asking me every month if I was pregnant was.

The ironic thing, I was actually pregnant at the time. I was five weeks six days pregnant. Miraculously our first round of IVF had worked. We would see our baby's heart beat for the first time two days later. And in two weeks I would have a D&C because our baby had died at seven weeks three days, one week before Christmas, one week before we had planned to surprise our families with the wonderful news we'd been gleefully keeping secret since Thanksgiving.

Two months later, a month ago Saturday, our second round of IVF would also miscarry.

Part of me wants to scream it all from the roof tops. Women need to know they are not alone with infertility. People need to understand why it is I won't go to that activity or can't do them that favor right now. I'm barely keeping my head above water most days, and the other days I'm only not drowning because my husband is holding me above water.

And the other part of me does not want to deal with the constant pity and questions and platitudes that don't do any good and often times actually hurt.

The two things I want right now are to be pregnant with a baby I'll get to wrap in a quilt and finish my dissertation proposal (in that order). But I'd settle for insurance coverage that covers more than just two IVF tries in your lifetime.

This was so not the post I planned to write today. Which means either you needed to read it or I needed to write it. I promise my next one will be happier.

Four Dates and Texter

For the record, I do not recommend going on four dates with four different men in one week. I was exhausted by Sunday night.

Here's a little recap:

Friday night - The Wordsmith - It turns out that he conveniently left out his height on his profile. I'm fairly average in height, and this guy was shorter than me by a couple of inches, which makes him SHORT. Some ladies can dig the short dudes, but I can't. Our conversation was okay-ish, but we both claimed exhaustion after dinner at 8:30 and went our separate ways. Neither of us have contacted the other since.

Saturday morning - Rescheduled. "How about we try for next weekend?" "Sure." It's Wednesday now, and I haven't heard anything since.

Saturday night - The Pollock - I thought this was going fairly well, at least for a second date. Conversation flowed smoothly. We went out to a movie and then back to his place for Rock Band and talking. Unfortunately, while I was trying to get a little closer on the couch, just inching toward the middle, it felt like he was going the opposite direction and getting as close to his arm as he could. He even went so far as to put a pillow up to his side at one point. When he evening was over, I was given a hug and a "it was good to see you." Even though I texted him to let him know I had a good time and was home safe, I haven't heard from him either.

Sunday night - Museum Date - I was VERY late for this date, because I couldn't find parking. He was pleasant, but our conversation was stilted and forced. I don't think it would have gone much better if I hadn't just been out so much already, so I don't feel too bad about not being the best date ever. We had an awkward and a maybe we should do this again sometime and a thank you text later, but that's it.

Soooo that's fun.

The good news? Things with John Denver are going swimmingly. And his voice? A lovely tenor. Hopefully, more on all that later!

Player

In a fit of boredom, desperation, and curiosity, I joined a couple of online dating sites. One free, one paid. Both have slightly different concepts in how they go about matching people up, and I thought I'd give it a whirl.

Ho-boy.

Short version: I have three first and one second date this coming weekend AND another man I'm texting almost all day every day.

Did you count that? Four dates and five suitors? Who AM I?

Long version: I don't even know where to start. I sent out a handful of little nudges to a few guys I thought were attractive and received a few in return. Many of mine were ignored, and I ignored a few sent my way as well, but then a few turned into actual conversation. And then actual date invitations. I was headed out of town for work almost immediately, so I had to postpone all but one first meeting until after I got back.

I didn't even expect that first first date with The Pollock (he's really of Polish descent), to go as well as it did, but it did. Not only did the date itself go well, but we continued to text each other for the next two hours after we went our separate ways. Knowing we were both out of town and busy meant we didn't talk much over the next week or so, but once I had returned I, as promised, called him to schedule another date and he returned the call last night. Yes, I know I called first, but all other communication to this point had been initiated by him.

We talked on the phone for over 30 minutes, and I don't even like talking on the phone. I wanted him to get to the making plans for the weekend point sooner, but he didn't and that's okay. He called as soon as he could (work has been crazy and he's on total outside world lockdown when he's there, thank you top secret government work) and it was fun to hear from him. We should be seeing each other again this Saturday night.

Then there's The Wordsmith. We've been emailing and playing WordFeud (a smartphone version of Scrabble) and looking forward to our first dinner for a couple of weeks. He's made an effort to keep getting to know me while I've been away, and I'm impressed. Initially, I thought he was going to win over The Pollock, but now I don't know. I'll evaluate after our date on Friday.

I also have dates Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon. These guys don't get nicknames yet because I've hardly talked to them since arranging our plans and I don't anticipate them making the cut. I also had a date this last Monday evening. It was a fun activity (pub trivia), but the date itself fizzled. Oh well.

Oh! And there's the guy I was just starting to get to know and then ran into at a social event on a date with another girl! It was actually the girl I was talking to first because she came over to compliment my dress, then her date came back from wherever he was. "You look like this guy I've been talking to online." "What's his name?" "{Insert screen name here}" "[Laughs.] I thought you looked familiar too." And now his date and I are Facebook friends and I don't know if either of us have heard from him again. I certainly haven't.

I haven't even made an effort on these sites for almost two weeks, because I cannot keep this pace up! There are a couple guys I'm talking to and haven't made plans with yet, but after these other guys I'm actually meeting, the conversation already seems forced and I don't want to waste anyone's time.

And! Two guys whose radars I thought I'd fallen off months ago are starting to creep back into my life. I'm not anticipating anything actually happening there, but it's still more dudes to keep track of!

Part of this little experiment was definitely because I was striking out in my normal circle - the guys I meet through my Mormon circle. Too much drama, not enough dates.

Then suddenly last Thursday, I sent a flirty tweet to a single, Mormon guy I know solely on Twitter - because, well, why not? And, unlike the last time I tried flirting with him, he actually responded. We quickly moved the conversation to direct (private) messages and, by the end of the day, had exchanged phone numbers and moved the conversation to text messages.

And we haven't stopped.

For the first few days I was hesitant and thought to myself "Wow, dude, slow down. Don't force this.", but I'm starting to change my tune. We have a LOT in common and plenty to talk about. John Denver, as he shall be known, is clearly smitten with me and has actually said that - I'm not just inferring here. So, not only do we enjoy many of the same things, he's open and communicative about his feelings in general and his feelings for me specifically and often, something I've been saying for a long time will be a characteristic of my husband. After too many "does he or doesn't he" scenarios, I need someone I don't doubt really cares for me.

John Denver is many of the things I'm looking for, but I'm still hesitant. 1 - It's only been a week. 2 - I have, at least for now, a few other guys in the lineup (I cannot stress enough how much this has NEVER happened for me). 3 - I still don't know what he looks or sounds like. I know what he used to look like, but he's apparently lost a LOT of weight since then (which is good, because he was severely overweight, something I'm not attracted to) and has no recent pictures to share. What he sounds like is important too, for a variety of reasons. Maybe it's shallow, but physical attraction is important too.

Chances are very good right now that all these relationships will naturally play out and all but one will end soon enough that I don't even have to tell them I'm considering so many others. And chances are good that the things I'm worried about with John Denver specifically will be answered quickly.

Obviously, there's lots to evaluate about each of these men and they still have plenty to learn about me. It's just so flattering AND overwhelming that all of them have shown up at once. I hardly have time for one relationship, not to mention five!

I'm willing to give it a shot though, and I will certainly keep you all posted!

Awkward

I got a Valentine.

You'd think this would be a positive sign, but it really isn't. The Valentine came from a man in my ward. It's just a bag of candy with a note on it, nothing big, but it's unnerving and distressing and awkward. This man (a kind and thoughtful man, mind you) is and never will be marriage material. I hear myself say it out loud and I feel terrible, but he has some physical and intellectual limitations that make it impossible for me to see him as anything but a kind and thoughtful man. There are some things I can deal with, but his limitations are such that they automatically write him off even for a friendship.

I've tried my best to not encourage him at all in this, but you know that sometimes no matter what you do, it isn't enough to deter someone who is very determined. He sits by me in Sunday school when he can, he goes out of his way to shake my hand (sometimes to the point of coming to my pew in church when I've already sat down). IT IS AWKWARD. We had a ward activity a while ago that involved music, and he asked me to dance. I was a little prepared, so I was able to politely decline because I was keeping someone else company. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I CAN'T encourage him in this.

This is one of those times when it would be highly convenient to have a serious boyfriend. I know I shouldn't ask Heavenly Father for a boyfriend just to avoid this other guy, but I must admit I'm sorely tempted sometimes. Ha. I'm sorely tempted to make up a boyfriend, but then I'd have to explain myself to my entire ward and that would be even more awkward, wouldn't it? Sigh.

I hate walking this line; it is such a disconcerting position to be in. I've been here before, but not with someone quite as limited as him, so it's even more awkward than it usually is.

I guess I should be grateful that he's not doing this to someone of a less appropriate age--I'd rather it was me than someone younger and more likely to be freaked out by his attention. Still, I wish it wasn't this way.

The thought of eating the candy he gave me makes me nauseated, and I just can't do it.

Church tomorrow has a very high weirdness index.

A Most Excellent Phone Call

Friends, the often seemingly impossible is actually, sometimes, possible.

A man (the one my family and all my dad's friends seem to think I've Met) has called me, not texted, and asked me on a date. He has a plan, a time, and used the word date to describe it.

Unfortunately, this was in a voicemail. Fortunately, I get to call him tomorrow and accept!

After one too many "Is this a date?"s, text-only contacts, and other varieties of the mixed message, this is a very nice change of pace. I realize it's just one date, a first date if you don't count our super fast dinner last month, and it's too early to get too excited, but dang it, I'm excited!

What I'd really love to say.

The last time you asked me if I was pregnant I replied by pointing out that you certainly seemed interested in my sex life. Which you denied. However I pointed out that if you were asking about a pregnancy you were in fact asking about my sex life.

I thought that would be the end of it and you would realize questions like that are not appropriate.

And then last night you asked me if I wanted to hold a new baby to see if he would "rub off" on me. Apparently you have not learned. You probably think you're cute and innocent.

You are not.

The decisions of when and how many children to have is between the husband, wife, and God. It is a private, personal, sacred decision.

When to have a child and how many children to have are private decisions to be made between a husband and wife and the Lord. These are sacred decisions—decisions that should be made with sincere prayer and acted on with great faith.
Elder Neil L. Andersen, "Children," October 2011 General Conference

Your cute comments and questions are actually highly inappropriate. You have no idea what you are talking about. And it is because of your comments and questions that I will never confide any of my struggles to you.