Thursday, July 23, 2009


I think I'm In, "In" being code for "relationship possibility". I think I'm In with Campbell, who I do believe I've blogged about previously--the man who spontaneously held my hand and is someone I trust and like quite a bit.

Tonight he asked via text message what I was doing (continuing a conversation we started in the morning) and when I said I had no plans, he said "why don't you come over?" Of course I did, after changing my shirt and putting on some mascara. I got to spend about three hours with him and a couple of his siblings and a little dog who is my new best friend. It just felt so natural.

One of the reasons I think I'm In is that while we were in his room (door open, lights on, lol) and I was sitting on the floor next to his desk, he reached to my bare feet with his bare feet and discovered I was ticklish. Shortly after that, he just slid his foot under mine and we sat like that, foot-to-foot, for a few minutes. For some reason, that's a sign of familiarity and lack of fear to me. Maybe it comes from dating Wesley a few years ago, who would watch movies with me while sitting on the floor between my knees and holding my feet in his hands--it felt safe and comforting. Maybe it's because I'm a little self-conscious about my feet and having someone touch them makes me feel better about my freakishly long toes. In any case, having Campbell feel comfortable enough to touch feet with me meant something. It's probably weird, but I appreciated it. :)

Because I pay attention to this kind of thing, especially when someone I'm attracted to does anything, there are lots of reasons I think I'm In: he touched my leg to make a point while I was standing and he was sitting. He enthuastically showed me some of his favorite things. He made a point to introduce me to his brothers. He showed me pictures of his adorable niece. He let me play with the rings on his desk and asked me, when I told him what size they were (I know the ring sizes of all my fingers and I like guessing right with other people's rings), what my ring size was--if I were younger or we were actually dating, I'd have gotten all flustered about that and assumed things. He commented on my thin fingers. He called me "sweetheart" and "hot stuff" when he walked me to my car. He lent me a book and a movie he thought I would like. He showed me his church ties. He made me laugh.

It felt like I'd always been there. There's just something about being with him that feels so right, so much like home that I get emotional thinking about it. I'm not sure if that's because my engagement ended so badly and I am searching for someone who is better than Raymond in every way, or if it's because with so many weddings happening around me this year that I've got Wedding Brain, or if it's because marrying a good man is one of my top priorities. I remember one night, shortly after the hand-holding, sitting in bed after my prayers and wondering if I was good enough to want that feeling forever, if I could possibly even hope for something that felt that right, and then bursting into tears because I wasn't sure if it was just too much to ask. I'm still not sure--part of me thinks that I should be grateful for the good life I already have and be content with that, and part of me thinks that I AM worth it, and that I should keep hoping and praying no matter what happens.

I really don't know what's going to happen from here, but it feels like a first step. If nothing else, I have a good friend I can count on to be there for me....and who will always offer to go after anyone who hurts me. Bless him.


Roxie said...

I think that is an interesting situation you talked about at the end. It's interesting being grateful for what you have, but still wanting further blessings.

But you ARE worth it. Don't forget it.