Friday, May 21, 2010

Hello, again

It's been way too long since I've blogged on here. I've felt, because I'm not dating anyone or really that bothered about it that I didn't have enough to say to actually contribute to the blog. I realized, however, that it is precisely because I'm a single woman that I DO have something to say in reference to this blog and its overall message.

Unfortunately, I still don't think I have much to say today, but I'm going to say it anyway.

I'm at a point in my professional life--a very specific point, as I'm typing this at a conference for my current field--where I've realized I don't care enough about my field to want to continue in it. It's important, yes. Very important for a lot of people (no detail, because I'm trying to keep this as anonymous as possible) and I'm glad I can help in my small way, but I don't have the passion for it that makes me want to advance and become something bigger than I am. I just don't. Campbell observed a few weeks ago, "you've got to get out of here--this job is killing you", which prompted a brief discussion about "Joe vs. the Volcano" and the soul-sucking evil of fluorescent lights.

It's true, though. I sometimes dread going to work because I know that I'll be confronted with certain stressors. I love my office, I mostly like what I do (besides answering phones), and I like my coworkers. It's finally comfortable for me there and I'm glad, but I am tired. There's a lot of turnover in this field, and I can finally see why. It's incredibly stressful some days. It's incredibly hard to keep from absorbing everything that's thrown at me.

Not that my job is the most stressful in the world. Some people would thrive in this environment, but there are good reasons I didn't go into this field. There are some things I have to deal with at home that make going to work and dealing with those things at work even more difficult. I don't make enough money to really feel like I'm helping. I'm much happier when I'm creating something and not solving the same problems over and over again. Just when I finished one huge project, I discovered that something I thought was done right (done by others, no less) was wrong. I'm currently going through over 6000 individual files and cross-checking between two different databases--this is something that I wouldn't have to do if someone else had been more careful, and the sight of the 131 pages I have to check off almost had me in tears the other day. I have to do this on top of handling the usual front desk stuff (which can be pretty chaotic sometimes) and training a new employee. I'm also the knee-jerk tech support for the office because I'm not scared of computers.

Yeah, it is pretty stressful.

I long to do something different. I long to make more money so I can buy a house and build a home that is welcoming to both married and single friends and children and pets. I long to travel and improve my life. I long to get more education. But I feel stuck. I'm 35. It's a little late to be considering graduate school. It's a little late to be "irresponsible" and go for something completely different. I honestly feel like I've missed many things, and I have to remind myself that I've lived my life this way for a reason. There are experiences I'd never trade because of how I've changed and grown and become more ME.

Am I insane for even CONSIDERING things that would take me away from the stability of a salary, no matter how meager, and really good insurance? I suppose some people would say that now is the time, because I'm single and don't have any responsibilities. Well, that's not true. I may be single, but I'm responsible for more than people realize. There's a difference between 22 and single and 35 and single and I'm feeling it a lot lately.

I hope that somehow things will balance out, even if it's finding a job that pays more so I can indulge (I feel like it's an indulgence) in my hobbies and interests. Work to pay for my life, right? My single, carefree, partying, shoe-buying life, right? How about finding a job that pays more so I can help provide for others, learn the things I want to learn, and build a home? I like that option better.


TRS said...

I hear you.
It's exactly how I feel.

I lost passion for the career... but I can't afford to learn what I want to/ need to learn to do what I really want to do.

Plus the fact that I haven't had a vacation in AGES... really soul-sucking.