Good weekend

This weekend, I had not one, but two guys "dippin' in my sauce", as someone once called it. It took me by surprise, especially the first. I went to the movies with a group of friends and halfway through the film, the guy I'd driven with offered his hand to hold, something I thought we'd only joked about before the film started. It was nice, the hand holding, even if I'm not sure I'm interested in him.

The latter, though not specifically "a date" was, for all intents and purposes, a date. And it was lovely. I've talked about him before. I was simply enjoying his company and then things took a turn for the physical.

Do I have any idea what's going on with either of them? Negatory. But things do look promising.

We need to talk...

Good: Talking about your relationship and knowing where you stand and what each other is thinking so you aren't making assumptions.

Bad: Giving two days notice that such a conversation will be taking place to a woman who is experiencing the rollercoaster that is PMS hormones so she then has two days to bounce back and forth between imagining the extremes on both end of a relationship spectrum.

We're definitely going to need more chocolate for this.

We're off to see the Wizard

Do you ever just feel like you don't fit in?

I'm not one of the girls here. I'm known and liked, but I'm definitely on the fringe. At least with the vast majority of people here. There are a few that I would consider close friends. Just about everyone else feels more like a good acquaintance, and I'm not sure why. I'm not sure what I did or didn't do that's left me on the edge. You'd think living in a place for a year you'd make friends, but really, the good friends are kind of limited here. There are good acquaintances, but it doesn't get deeper than that.

The other night at an activity I went to sit with a circle of three girls that I would think I should be closer to. But I'm not. It just felt real weird to sit down with the three of them. First it felt like I'd stepped into a secret meeting I wasn't invited to, and then to realize that I've known them all a year and yet I still don't feel like they know me or I know them.

So then I started wondering what was wrong with me.

And of course I started thinking about them too. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized who I'm dealing with - the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion.

First, the Tin Man. She's an amazing organizer person. I'm sure if physics would let her, she'd organize entropy. She's that good at it. But at the same time it's like she's emotionally disconnected from it all.

The Scarecrow is nice enough. But she's also disconnected in her own way. It's like only 80% of her shows up at any one time and you know that what you are saying isn't going much deeper than the ears. She's kind of just living her life willy-nilly with whatever comes up. There's a haze that surrounds her and I haven't found the fog light to see through it yet.

The Cowardly Lion has a huge heart. But she's always in the shadows. She's always behind others. She doesn't shine. She doesn't even approach anything resembling drama.

All three of them are similar in age to me. And all three of them are also single. And part of me wonders if it isn't the missing heart, brain, or courage that's holding them back. And if that's the case, then what am I missing?

So then I started wondering who I am. Am I Toto who's just there because and has no real role? Am I the wizard, using tricks and illusions to hide what a sham I am? I'm pretty sure I'm not Glenda. Could I be the Wicked Witch of the West? A flying monkey? Am I the Wicked Witch of the East and I just don't know that a house has fallen on me yet (although there are times it feels almost like that)? Do I represent the Lolly-Pop Guild?

Or are we all just Dorthy and haven't been able to find our way home yet? Will I get to the end of the road and realize it was as simple as tapping my heels together?

Just tell me I didn't somehow get turned around and I'm now going backwards on the Yellow-Brick Road.

What we will say

I've known the boyfriend for several years now. He and I have talked many times and at great length about what we both think of relationships and the roles of men and women in a relationship. I say this so you know where I am coming from and that I know, as best I can, what I am doing in this.

It seems that we are both right on the verge of expressing our undying love for the other. But because of what I know about him and how he feels about relationships, I can't be the first one to say it. And for some reason, probably because for him it is the point of no return and he's not ready for that leap, he won't say it yet either.

So what do we say instead? I present here a list of things we have both said over the last couple of months as an example of our creativity. Also, I do this asking for more ideas. My creativity does have limits.

• I love seeing you smile.
• Your knowledge of grammar is so attractive.
• I like seeing you get excited about that.
• I love being in your arms.
• It just feels right to have you with me.
• I'm in a bit of heaven with you.
• You make me smile.
• I miss you.
• I love watching your mind work.
• You are wonderful.
• You’re cute. / You’re manly cute.
• Can I keep you?

And those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head right now. There are a few others as well, but without the context, they'd sound quite weird.

Dá Para...

On my mission, "dá para..." was a phrase heard and used often. Literally translated it means, "it gives to..." This phrase was used when asking if someone understood what you were saying, "dá para entender?" (it gives to understand?), if they could see what you wanted them to see, "dá para ver?" (it gives to see?), and many other similar instances. Literally translated it sounds real weird, but that's how it works.

But they would also add the verb, "casar," to the phrase, "dá para casar," which would be literally translated to, "it gives to marry." I heard this phrase several times, just about all of them after I'd cooked sugar cookies for someone. Brazil loves my sugar cookies. And when they'd say that phrase to me, they were saying that I cooked well enough that I could get married.

Last week I cooked some homemade bread. As I was telling a friend of mine, I've known how to cook bread for a long time. I've also known how to ruin bread for a long time (getting impatient for it to cook and turning up the oven in the hopes that it will cook faster will indeed cook the outside faster, but leave the inside completely hollow and raw). This week I cooked a full balanced meal from scratch (except the brownies for dessert) for company. And today I made scones from scratch. As I was sharing the scones with the friend I'd spent the day with, she said I was amazing, (I'd mixed the scones and cooked them in about an hour) and that I would make a good wife some day. Basically, my cooking "dá para casar."

I remember setting a goal two years ago to never go to bed with dishes in the sink for a month. I hate doing the dishes, but I wanted to prove to myself that I could do the dishes and was good enough to get married.

Why do we do that to ourselves? I'm not saying self-improvement is a bad thing. I'm all for improving ourselves. But why would anyone want to improve themselves just so they "dá para casar," are good enough to get married?

I'm me. I am who I am. And I will always have faults and flaws. And I fully expect my husband to have them too. I'm good enough to get married right now gosh darn it! Even if my quiche (which I've actually never tried to make) doesn't "dá para casar."

And yes, there are dishes in my sink right now.

Maturity

According to our good friend, Wikipedia, maturity is a psychological term used to indicate that a person responds to the circumstances or environment in an appropriate manner. This response is generally learned rather than instinctual.

Whatever it is, it's attractive. I spent a great deal of time this weekend with a man in the condo that he owns, where he unabashedly has a dust ruffle on his bed, tampons in his bathroom drawer for female visitors, and a well-organized home. He has a reliable, steady job, loves his family, and is getting help for the things he needs to change that are beyond his control. He's a gracious host and an absolute pleasure to be around. Sure, some of his humor is off-color and his milk was sour, but the point is that he responds appropriately to things.

I was reveling in the fact that I'm friends with such a mature individual, as the things I'd noticed over the weekend were enough to make me happy, when he requested a video chat last night to discuss the particulars of our relationship, or rather current lack thereof and why, for now.

Wow. Just wow. No matter the outcome of our discussion, the fact that we he would man up and have that conversation as soon and as face to face as possible was astounding. Far too many boys I've been around lately would just slink off and get distant and weird about everything. We talk about being communicative and then actually ARE is just amazing to me. I know where I stand with him, where we stand together, and what our current future holds.

Other than this guy, I am apparently surrounded by morons. Sure, this guy isn't perfect, none of us are, but since he's so open to change and working on a better future and handling things with such class, he's far ahead of some of the guys I know who don't have the same problems and have been blessed with certain knowledge all their lives.

I'm duly impressed. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy is a MAN. I need to stop dating boys.

Learning Moments

It is often said that some of the best teaching comes in those unexpected moments that aren't planned, those moments that just come up naturally. People are usually speaking of teaching children when they talk of this. But I recently had one of those experiences on a date.

We were watching a cop type movie at my place. One of the good guys was having a real bad day and was blaming himself for what was going wrong and he was basically sulking about it. The boyfriend commented that was what guys do under stress, they withdraw. He also said slapping a guy, which is what the character's partner did, is not the way to get him out of it.

After the movie ended I asked him what are you supposed to do when a guy does that if slapping isn't appropriate. And that led to a good discussion about how we both respond to real stressful situations and what we want from those around us when we are stressed and withdraw like that. Oddly, we both said pretty much the same thing.

From a movie came an unexpected moment to learn more about each other. And learning how to help someone in a situation like that is easier done when you aren't in the situation. It was a wonderful unplanned moment.

He also said I seem like I handle mood swings real well. This man is the master of the weird compliment. But I say thank you no matter how weird they are.