Memory Jogs

Music is powerful memory tool. I can still remember the address of my family's home from my kindergarten year, since I learned it to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". When a song I haven't heard in years comes on the radio, I can still remember all the lyrics.

Music can also have powerful memories associated with them. Roxie talked about this before. Those memories can, of course, have positive connotations, but they can also have negative, which makes them impossible to listen to ever again.

Right now, there are a handful of songs I will probably never be able to listen to again.

For example:

"The Reason" by Hoobastank - While we'd known each other for several weeks, it was only our second or third date. In the driveway of his friend's house where we'd had dinner and watched a movie, he hugged me and said "I think I'm falling in love with you." As he was driving me home, he played this song and said "This reminds me of you." Say what? It was really awkward because I didn't know why a song about turning his life around because of someone, especially when I didn't think he was all that off track, would make him think of me. It's a lot of responsibility so early on - was I really that much an influence on him so quickly? It was all going so fast. We had a little talk about it after we got back to my place, but were done for good about six weeks later. Every time I hear even a snippet of that song, the awkwardness of that moment is fresh in my mind.

The entire "Everything You Want" album by Vertical Horizon - One thing I loved about the ex-fiance was how much we talked. We could and often did talk for hours. One night we decided to talk about us, but we both lived with other people and needed somewhere private to talk. So, we drove to a parking lot and just sat in my car. We talked so long that we probably listened to that album, simply because it was in my CD player, at least four times. Because of how things ended with us, this album was a reminder of all the failed talks we had. The good news about not ever listening to it again is that I never really loved it in the first place, so no big loss.

There are several other songs that remind me of specific people, places, and things. Sometimes it's hard to listen to them, sometimes it's not. Sometimes, it would be easier to erase one's memory, like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but since memories and experiences make us who we are today, it's a actually a good thing to keep them around. And there's a lot more music I can listen to without the ones I can't handle anymore.

Anything you can't listen to anymore?

I lift my hands and pray

There are certain things I have always wanted in life. I have always wanted to go to school. I always wanted to do what I did for a career. I have always had dreams. Some of them have come true in ways I hadn't completely planned. Some of them I realized I didn't want enough to make them happen. And others I had to learn to be patient for.

One of those dreams, one of those things that I always wanted, was to be married, to be a wife, to be a mother, to have kids. It was the only dream I ever truly prayed and asked for.

My prayers over the years have changed with regards to that dream. I used to pray that I'd be ready for it. I'd pray that I'd remain worthy of the blessing of marriage and family. And I'd pray that somewhere out there, the boy I was going to marry was doing what he needed to do too.

As I grew up and started dating, my prayers changed just a little. I started praying to know if what I was doing, who I was with, was right. I don't believe in a "one and only." I think there are several guys I could be eternally happy with. But on the other hand that means that there are countless guys that would be quite wrong for me. And it is possible to fall in love with one of those. So I wanted to make sure that didn't happen.

And I started praying for patience and acceptance of the Lord's timing for me on this dream.

Some time last year I realized that things with HP really could be the right things for me. I started praying that our relationship would be blessed. And my prayers for patience increased. And I think most people who know me would say that those prayers were answered tenfold. It doesn't seem to me like I exercised any great patience, it's just how it happened. But those prayers definitely helped. If anything they were an almost daily reminder to me that my life does not always go according to my timing and that there is Someone who knows when things should happen for me better than I do.

Then in June, when I came home that night after he asked and I said yes, my prayer was completely different. I didn't ask for anything that night. But through my tears I expressed a gratitude I didn't have words for. Still don't actually.

But my prayers haven't stopped. I'm still praying for my marriage and family, just as I have been my whole life. But now I know the names to say. Well, one of them. The rest of the names I'll pray for in my family will come later. And my gratitude continues as well.

None of my prayers ever changed the mind of a boy I liked. But they changed my mind, and heart, and made me ready, and especially grateful, for the blessings that came in the end.

Tidbits

My mother and I were discussing my holiday travel plans and how I'm considering venturing to Manhattan for New Year's Eve in Times Square. I just don't know who to go with, as it's not something I'd even consider doing alone. An entire day of mostly standing around with several thousand strangers? No thanks.

Me: It's hard to plan such things two months out. And who knows? What if my travel friends are dating someone by then, since it's a notorious date night? What if I'm dating someone? Then again, knowing my track record, I won't be.
Mom: You know, you shouldn't say that, because one day you will be. You never know.

Thanks, Mom. You're totally right. I really should curb the self-deprecating talk.

Also, this article really spoke to me, from the annals people who say it way better than I ever could. Change the specific people and locations, and I've been there and had the exact same revelation.

Maybe I could meet up with her for a New York New Year's Eve!

Alone...

I really tire of going to things by myself. I tire of being brave and independent and sassy and showing up alone. I haven't gone to a movie in almost a year. There is a long list of plays, concerts, and other performances I want to go to, but I probably won't just because I'm sick of going by myself. I try to get dates to these things, but the men I know are invariably busy (or too borderline creepy) and can't go.

It is very frustrating to keep asking and get turned down because of other circumstances and commitments, and it is very frustrating to be so tired of dressing up and going out...alone.

October is always hard.

Sometimes, even though I know I should have gone to bed well over an hour ago, I stay up trying to put off the inevitable turning of the Earth toward a new day, just because I know that the next two weeks are going to be very hard.

I know I'm going to pay for this later, because my body doesn't enjoy getting less than 8 hours of sleep (I know exactly how spoiled I am that I have the luxury of that much sleep...), but I can't seem to help it:

My brother and his family are moving several states away before Halloween and I don't want to think about it because it's so sad. He has to go where the work is, and the work just isn't here. I hope they come back someday--it's tearing me apart that I won't get to see them and their precious children every two days. I'm so glad I know that we ARE an eternal family no matter what distance this Earthly life puts between us!

It only takes one

Recently we got on the topic of how many first dates we'd been on over the years. We were talking with another guy who said that he often feels like he doesn't want to go out on dates because for the most part he's just spending money on someone else's wife. I pointed out that while that might be true, there's another guy out there spending money on his wife.

HP said that he's probably been on a couple hundred first dates. His roommates and him would invite different girls over ever week for dinner. He says now that he wishes he'd spent more time building friendships than going on countless first dates. My first date count is probably somewhere around 25 is all (why did I not know guys who invited girls over for dinner when I was in college?). And for second dates - 4, and one of those was over three years after the first date. So it really doesn't matter how many guys you've gone out with, because it only takes one.

Another count that people keep track of is how many people they've kissed. Again, my number on that is very low. HP's number isn't too much higher. But I have known someone who figured that if she could name all of the guys she'd ever kissed, then she wasn't a slut. The fact that she had to have a written list (and it was a page front and back) or she couldn't name all of them was not relevant.

It doesn't matter how long either list is. What matters is that eventually we all get to the end of it.

What a bunch of whiners

For the last two days, I have been surrounded by whiners. It started yesterday morning by discovering that some people in my building at work were whining to another person in my building about something I was doing. This thing is only minor and inconsequential, but they still felt like they need to whine, and it bothered both me and the middle man (who at least did the right thing in telling me about it) that they didn't just speak directly to me.

Last evening, my brother sent me a video of our dog whining. He's adorable, but he's whiny.

Today, my employees were whining about their task. I know it's boring, but it needs to be done. Whining won't make it go any faster. It's worse that the closer in proximity these employees get, the more they whine. They seem to feed off each other.

It gets really old.

The kicker is JT. We hadn't seen much of each other this summer, for various reasons, but finally got together on Monday.

And, as part of me suspected, it turns out he's back with his girlfriend. I can't say that I'm thrilled, because I still have feelings for him and because I know they've had a rocky relationship and how hard this last breakup was on him.

It also means that I'm the placeholder. Both times they were completely OFF, he and I kissed (which took me by complete surprise, both times). And then they got back together again. I feel all sorts of special now, thanks.

So, I've been dealing with all the related emotions this week, but still just trying to be his friend. We started that way, and I still value that relationship.

That doesn't mean I'm ready to hear about his girl problems.

On Monday, he'd asked if I wanted to go see a particular movie and added that his girl didn't want to see it, which is why he was seeking alternative company. We were discussing that movie, and another she didn't want to see, and he could have just mentioned the girl and been done with it. Instead, he went off about how he'll go to the ballet even when he's hopped up on cold medicine but she won't see a zombie movie.

Not ready, JT. I don't want to hear about this yet. Additionally, if things are going so well this time around, it seems a little fishy that you're already complaining about her.

I want everyone to stop whining. Just until Monday.

And next time JT and his girl break up, I'm not going to let him kiss me. It's just too messed up, and I can't handle messed up relationships anymore.