A Date-ready home

According to an article I read on Glamour magazine's website, if I'm going to invite a date into my home, I have to turn into a neurotic, OCD mess with no personality.

I'll recreate the list here, with my commentary:

1. Dust the high places.

Okay, that's fair. Dusting is good.

2. Bake or cook something.

Maybe, but only if it's something you do anyway. As you may remember, Cher from "Clueless"

totally burned whatever it was she was trying to bake. Does your house have to smell of

chocolate chip cookies? No. Clean? Yes.

3. Edit your house for telling items.

Mousetraps, financial statements, self-help books (especially those about dating and marriage—I have a ton because of this blog), and medicine like Imodium…need to go!

This is where the neurotic starts to set in. I'm not about to go through my bookcase and hide the things I don't want him to know I've read, even the copy of "The Fat Girl's Guide to Life" that's on my nightstand right now. In fact, I saw someone checking out my nightstand reading stack (p.s. I live in an efficiency, everyone who crosses my threshold enters my bedroom) the other night. They would have also spied my journal, a book by Spencer W. Kimball, and a book about World War II. Judge me for all that, I dare you.

4. Maintain some order.

This, I agree with.

5. Remove the "funny" magnets.

Currently, my fridge door has a handwritten note to myself that says, “Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels.” That’s fine, but considering I never read it, why risk looking like I have issues with food? I also have a chart for pairing wine (wino?), and a magnet that poses the question, “Was he worth shaving her legs for?” Wow. That cannot be good. And another one that says, “Girls are better than boys.” Wait a sec. Maybe I do have some kind of issue. And I almost bought Erica this funny magnet set of grown men crying. Probably should hold off on that.

We all want someone who shares our sense of humor, right? Worrying too much about what he's thinking about what's on your fridge or around your bathroom mirror is just too much work.

6. De-clutter with fewer girly items.

If you own multiple candles, picture frames, throw pillows, stuffed animals, live cats, knick-knacks, or tchotchkes, minimize! He doesn’t want to feel like he’s visiting Grandma.

All these things around my house? They have stories. Even the ugly purple fairy and that non-descript rock. Ask me about it, and I'll tell you. For example - that stuffed dog? From a teenaged friend who was sad that I couldn't have a real dog in my apartment right now. My house does not look like Grandma's attic. It looks like me.

7. Sexile your roommate.

Well, fortunately, that is one perk to not having sex. No one has to worry about certain sounds wafting between the walls. I don't have roommates now, but when I did, we were all smart enough to leave the common areas if it was clear that our male guest might want to not just sit on the couch. But the rule of not making your roommate uncomfortable or banishing them forever definitely stands.

8. Create flattering lighting.

I’m sure you don’t have laboratory-like bulbs in your home, but check for bad overhead lighting and any shadows that could make you look like the two-face on Seinfeld.

OCD, much?

Extra points for:
9. Freezing some glasses and stocking the fridge with beer (and hello, food!).
10. Knowing how to control the temperature on your thermostat.
11. Possessing knowledge of the best restaurants that deliver in your 10-block radius.
12. Putting together a date playlist on your iPod. (Click here and here for music to make out to.)
13. Arranging fresh flowers (particularly if his mom is Martha Stewart or a Steel Magnolia).

9. Yes. Well stocked fridge? Good idea. His favorite drink? Only if he told you that, and you didn't get it from Facebook.

10. That's probably a good idea.

11. You should do that anyway, but for you.

12. I have one. But I've never used it. "Oh I'm sorry, I see that you want to kiss me, but first I must put on my 'Snog Songs'" Ruins the mood. And perhaps the song. (Phil Collins' "You'll Be In My Heart", I'm looking at you.)

13. So, we don't want to remind him of his grandmother, but we do want to remind him of his mother? Incidentally, I do have fresh flowers right now, and Junior saw them last night was actually proud of me for buying myself flowers. But this currently only happens a couple times a year, nothing to stress about unnecessarily.

Honestly, just make sure your house is clean and presentable, and it will be fine. Junior didn't even care that my sink was full of dishes the first time he came over, just that he really liked that my house is a nice, little home.

Just how I like it.

My women

I've never been one who had a ton of girl friends. I had friends, but I never just hung out at the mall with another girl. I certainly was not one who spent hours on the phone talking with someone. I just didn't do the "normal" teenage girl with friends thing. I have a handful of friends, gender has always been heterogeneous, and that's worked out very well.

But in the last year while I still maintain that I don't have "girls" in my life, I do have my women.

These are grown women. They've experienced hardship in their lives. I can't think of any hardship that more than one of them have faced actually, so there's quite the range of hardship going on. They've grown from their experiences. They've been strengthened by them. They've been beautified by them. They are a shoulder to cry on when things go bad because they've cried too. They are a smile to laugh with when things go great because they've laughed too. They are women.

I don't actually happen to live near any of my women at this time. They are spread across this country. But I know that I can always call or email and they will share in whatever emotion I am going through at the time.

Just a side note. But during my one try at therapy several years ago the therapist told me that three of my women weren't good enough friends for me because they were married and I wasn't so they were too busy for me. HA! I was the one with the schedule we were working around. I didn't go back to that therapist. It is because of their range of experiences that differs from mine that I can lean on them.

And I've begun to feel that all women are connected. We all need each other. We need to lean on each other's shoulders and provide our shoulders for others to lean on. We need to laugh together. We need to cry together. Perhaps if we all lived in the same village a hundred years ago we would've been getting together monthly for quilting bees or sock darning parties or what have you. It's that kind of a feeling. And time has simply changed how we do that.

Mother's day is next week. And while I wouldn't classify any of these women as mother figures for me, I want to take time to honor them as well. Because I truly stand among noble women.

A Thousand Words

Just a couple of pictures. Infographics, if you will. Click to enlarge.



Mail to a 6-year-old. Dating for me.

You're Pregnant!

As near as I can tell (meaning I did a few google searches), it was Dave Barry who said you should never assume a woman is pregnant unless you see a baby coming out of her.

I've always thought it was silly for people to say, "You're pregnant!" whenever a woman expresses that she's having an out of the ordinary day for any reason. That reason might be she's feeling sick, she has a headache, she's had a clumsy morning, she's tired. Okay. I take that back. Because all of those are relatively ordinary things actually. But expressing them will inevitably mean someone somewhere will assume you are pregnant. Never mind the fact that you might not be married or have never had sex before in your life. Do they think they are funny? They must. But what about the woman who wants to be married and having kids and people making such comments just reminding her that it isn't even possible to try yet? I can't imagine it's funny for her every time.

I've long thought that it was insensitive for people to ask a couple when they were having kids. Most people do not discuss their sex lives with others. So it could be that the couple is trying and hasn't been able to yet. You don't know if they've been dealing with infertility for years, or decades. And every seemingly innocent question is just one more reminder that things aren't working the way they want to.

But this week I'm adding "You're pregnant!" to the list of insensitive things people can say. Because this week it just about made me cry.

I was having a blah Monday and said as much elsewhere on-line. Two people made comments assuming I was pregnant. And then today in church a woman came up to me and congratulated me. She had to tell me what she was congratulating me for because I couldn't think of what it would be. She thought I was pregnant. Simply because I was having a blah Monday. Who doesn't have a blah Monday? Isn't that what Mondays are made of?

But the truth of the matter is that on Monday I was pregnant. But today I'm not any more. Physically I'm fine with it. And emotionally I'm doing okay for the most part. We haven't been trying for long at all really. But there was something about having someone congratulate me for something they don't even know we're working for yet (our families don't even know we're trying, just to remove the necessity of telling them every month when it doesn't work. We don't need that pressure), that was a bit much for me today.

People do so much speaking without even thinking about the words coming out of their mouth. I have to remember that (a lot more than I think I should have to). And I'm going to not make it a crusade of mine to stop everyone from making "silly" assumptions. Maybe I can just do my part and do a lot more thinking before I speak.

I'm home!

This. This is the absolute worst part about being single. I didn't have roommates after college (long story, perhaps I'll share), but I can't imagine them being much better because they all have their own lives.

I hated having something exciting to share and not having anyone to turn to. I hated having a bad day and not having anyone that would notice and give me a hug.

Someone go hug Snoopy. Someone go be excited that he's home.

Fake it till you make it

Fake it till you make it. That's what they tell you to do when you have no idea what you're doing. Just pretend you do and either you'll eventually figure it out or people will believe you actually know what you're doing. Oddly, it's more the second than the first, which honestly can be kind of scary some times.

But such is not good advice in all situations. Like the medical profession. You wouldn't want a doctor faking it on your surgery.

There are other times when faking it really isn't a good idea either. Relationships. You don't really want to fake it with relationships.

Now, that doesn't mean being brutally honest with a bad first date. But also don't lead them on unnecessarily. Especially when things start getting serious.

Specifically, let's talk about the physical stuff.

Last night on the NBC show, "Parenthood" they had a side plot about faking good sex. Apparently women who "fake it" are trying to get across the idea that, "I don't want you to feel that I don't appreciate the effort," and "Thank you so much for trying. Please come again soon."

Now, not everyone is a good kisser (we're going to talk about kissing because we believe in being chaste, so no sex before marriage, but this applies to married people too), but "faking it" won't make the situation better. Because while that that might be what a woman thinks she's saying when she "fakes it," the message the man is most likely getting is "I really like what you're doing, please keep doing that." But that won't solve the problem at all. It will just lead to more bad kissing and more faking it.

Instead, we need to make sure the message we are sharing is the message we want to share. So if that means not "faking it" then don't. In the moment might not be such a good time to say "I don't like it when you do that." Maybe instead, just don't respond with anything. Respond only to the things you really like. Whether that's with words or not doesn't matter.

Nobody gets anything right the first time. But faking that they did will only improve the bad. Taking the time to work out the good stuff together is definitely worth it. A kiss should make you feel fluttery. And you can't fake fluttery.

You don't have to take my word for it

If you aren't reading Erin Annie's blog, you totally should. Because this, is pretty awesome.

That is all.