Temporary Madness

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

Louis De Bernieres

Trust

Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could trust people with your vulnerabilities? Especially people who are close to you? When we hit the point where I could completely break down from stress, exhaustion, heart break, in front of my husband, that was a huge moment. Over the last two years we've had some REALLY rough times and being able to trust each other with those vulnerabilities has been key.

When I'm meeting new people I'll test them. I'll share a minor vulnerability with them, or a small piece of me, and see what they do with it. If they treat it with respect then I'll see what they do with another piece. I don't open myself up completely with all my ins and outs at the first. I've met people who do that, and they are awkward.

Family should always be a safe place. Family should always be one of those safe places to share your vulnerabilities.

Unfortunately I've recently discovered that isn't always the case. We have told those very close to us that we're expecting a baby, but there is one family member we have not told. And it's because of what they've done with the years of related vulnerabilities we've shared. They politicized them.

Despite what certain groups and outspoken individuals might say/have said, my uterus is not a place to make political statements. And especially not by people who should be protecting me.

I don't mind if this family member finds out that I'm pregnant. We aren't keeping it from him. But he has not earned our trust enough to find out directly from us. And that makes part of me sad.

I promise...

Last night I had no fewer than three people ask me if I'm seeing anyone.  It kind of made me laugh, because I know they just want me to be happy and they think I'm worth dating.  I'm usually not offended when people wonder about my love life.  One of them, a dear elderly man, said he couldn't understand why I wasn't married yet.  He said I was attractive, talented, and smart; I smiled and thanked him and told him I would definitely let him know when I started dating someone.

When I get engaged, I want everyone in the world to know it.  I want them to know that it was worth the wait and all the prayers and tears and questions.  I also want them to know that it is better to be single than to be in a rotten relationship.

I want everyone to see my engagement ring.  I know engagement rings have a controversial history, but I want one.  I want a visible symbol of love and commitment, but when it comes down to it, I'll be happy with something very simple like a plain band.  I want to marry someone observant and thoughtful enough to ignore convention and not be pressured into buying a big diamond just because everyone says he has to.  I want to marry someone who wants to buy me pretty things. 

Let's be honest, though, I do want a really sparkly ring.  And I WILL show it off every chance I get.

What to wear?

There is a part of the wedding day that pretty much nobody talks about. There's a whole industry to sell brides something to wear after they take off their wedding dress, but what about the groom? Is it because I wasn't a groom that I didn't see any of that industry? Except there really isn't an industry to tell grooms anything but, "show up and keep the bride happy" for weddings. Which is a whole other topic.

Before we got married, we actually compared preferences in women's stuff, which led me to ask him what he was going to wear that night, because it suddenly occurred to me that nobody ever talks about that. I won't say what his hilarious suggestion was or what he actually ended up with. But you'd think there would be more discussion about some kind of transition between wedding day and wedding night for all parties involved.

Dear Santa:

I'm really excited that Christmas is coming up, and I'm looking forward to seeing family and friends and doing things like baking cookies and going to Jinxie's wedding reception.  I love the lights and the food and the music.  I love the story of Christ's birth and the chance we have to celebrate that with a lot of other people.  I like Christmas movies and cheesy TV specials and snowflakes and red and green.  I think everything should be covered in glitter, and there should be snow on the ground for your sleigh.  I feel like Buddy the Elf when I think about Christmas decorations and reindeer!

 

As it is right now, I have a lot of enthusiasm for the season, but I tell you what:  it would be easier to be enthusiastic if I was in a relationship. 

 

I've been a good girl this year, so I hope you bring me what I want.  Say hello to Mrs. Claus and the elves for me!

 

Love, Trixie

Adoration

Speaking of things that hit you sideways, Campbell got married a few months ago.  We'd been good friends for a few years, and then early last year he kind of fell off the planet.  He was there for me when my engagement broke up, and I was there for him when the same thing happened to him.  I always felt safe with him, safe and appreciated, so it was hard when I realized we were never going to get married.  I still wonder why, but I got some clarity talking to his cousin this past spring.  The conversation started out awkwardly but eased up as we went along; she was concerned about how I was taking the news of his engagement and I felt I could trust her, so I told her it had been a little difficult.  She said that she and her husband had wondered why Campbell had never dated me; apparently, he talked about me all the time.  In her words, he adored me.  Why, then, didn't he choose me? 

 

My silent, agonizing question was answered as his cousin went on about his fiancee:  she needed to be rescued.  Campbell's fiancee had been married before, to an abusive and manipulative man, and she needed to be rescued from that trauma.  One thing I know for sure about Campbell is that he would NEVER hurt a woman.  He is incredibly protective--protective to the point of doing violence to another person.  When he found out more details about what my ex-fiance had done, he told me that he was willing to break my ex's nose if he started bothering me again.  Another time, we were talking and when another man walked past and gave me a leer that I didn't notice, Campbell put his arm around me and glared at the guy until he stopped looking at me.  I'm not the biggest fan of violence, but it is nice to feel protected when you're with someone.

 

Campbell needs to be the hero, and Mrs. Campbell needed a hero.  I'm glad she found such a good one.  I don't need anyone to rescue me from a bad situation anymore (although it would be nice if someone out there had an extra $200K to give us), but I really want to be adored by someone.  Adored enough that he wants to be with me and no one else.  Thanks to Campbell, at least I know I'm worthy of that kind of love, loyalty, and respect.

Strange gratitude

After almost 3 years, countless prayers, the biggest test of our faith and hope we've had yet, I must say how truly grateful I am for:

• constipation
• exhaustion
• congestion
• insane itching
• 2am bathroom visits
• morning sickness
• pants that don’t fit
• shots and science

It still seems so unreal.

Grateful

I felt at the beginning of this year that some major changes were going to happen in my life.  Now, toward the end, and on a day of gratitude, I can look back and see what they are.  It's been a difficult year in many ways, but I'm grateful for what I've learned.  I'm grateful to be able to look around my neighborhood and see families gathered together in warm houses, the yellow lights in the windows reflecting the sunset.  I'm grateful that, although it has problems and should be replaced soon, my car has a good engine and brakes and is paid for.  I'm grateful I have my own tools.  I'm grateful that I can help my family, both financially and emotionally.  I'm grateful I can pay tithing and know that those funds aren't being abused.  I'm grateful for my soft heart and generous spirit--I cry over animals I've never met, and I always wish I could give more than I can.  I'm grateful for my family.  We don't always get along (my youngest sister isn't talking to my oldest brother right now, and it's hard) but I know that through the sealing power we can be together forever.

Most of all, though, I'm grateful for the constant reminders that my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me and know who I am.  I don't always understand why They want me to do certain things, but I know there are good reasons and if I do those things, I will be blessed.  I'm grateful I can feel God's hand guiding me daily, and that I know Jesus Christ died to redeem me from my sins.

Life is good.

Godly Love

The love of which the Lord speaks is not only physical attraction, but also faith, confidence, understanding, and partnership. It is devotion and companionship, parenthood, common ideals and standards. It is cleanliness of life and sacrifice and unselfishness. This kind of love never tires nor wanes. It lives on through sickness and sorrow, through prosperity and privation, through accomplishment and disappointment, through time and eternity.

-Spencer W. Kimball

This year, I am thankful for having this kind of love with Roscoe.

Sideways

I've discovered, in my old age, that there is nothing that can adequately prepare you for being single in your late 30s.  Sure, I know people who went through this and are single in their 60s or 70s, and I'm sure nothing has prepared them for that.  This whole thing is really hard some days.  I got through my 20s single, and maybe I just stopped thinking about how hard it was, how weird it is to hear someone talking about their neice or friend who "got married later, you know, at 26".  Just TRY not to smile a little when you hear that and you're well past 26!  It's not as though you wake up every day and say to yourself, "man, it's going to be hard out there today because I'm single and almost 40!"  You just kind of live your life, and in the course of living your life, you don't really think about how hard it is being single until something blindsides you.

 

For instance, I have friends from high school who are preparing their sons for missions earlier than they thought because of the recent age change that was announced.  These women are my age, and their sons are going to be on missions in a year.  Less than a year, some of them.  I'm old enough to be helping a son prepare, but I don't have a son.  Here's another one:  some of these friends may have grandchildren the same age as my children, if I'm lucky enough to have kids in this life.  Try imagining that when you are 15 years old and thinking about what your future will be like!  One more:  One of my friends was talking about how hard it was to send her youngest child to kindergarten.  I said, "Oh, I might be peri-menopausal when I send my oldest to kindergarten--think about dealing with those hormones!"  We got a good laugh out of that, but it's a definite probability.

 

The other day at the hardware store, I saw a man I was good friends with in high school and during my first stint in college.  I didn't say hello because it completely unnerved me to see him with two small boys.  I knew he was married and was pretty sure he had kids, but seeing him interact with those adorable boys was gut-wrenching for some reason, so I pretty much ran away, unable to talk to him.  It unnerved me so much that I had to pray about WHY I was reacting so vehemently, and then I spent a couple of hours Facebook-stalking him and his wife to find out what their family life was like.  I found out how many kids they have, that she's had some major health problems recently, and that, judging from their family pictures, he loves her more than anything.  I'm sure that next time I see him, I will be able to greet him happily, get to know his kids' names, and tell his wife how much his friendship meant to me when I was younger.

 

After lots of thinking, I've decided the reason I was so freaked out at seeing him is that, at 17, I set him up as the ideal man.  When he got back from his mission and we were in college choir together, he was even more the ideal--kind, generous, smart, talented, grounded, respectful, spiritual, and someone who loved and respected women.  When I think of all the men I've known, only two come to mind as men who truly love and completely respect women.  Aaron is one of them.  After 20 years, he is still an ideal.  Seeing him interact so gently with his boys, and seeing, in pictures, what a fun dad he is and the incredible love he has for his wife, I can't help being happy that they found each other and have such a lovely family.  More than ever, I want to marry someone like him.  I think that's what blindsided me so hard that day; I know what I want, but finding him is getting harder.



Not putting things off

I am grateful I got married when I did for many reasons. While I was single I had a career. I changed careers. I did a bit of traveling. I took classes and learned new things. I tried out new talents. I met fascinating people. I learned who I am.

I did not put off marriage so I could do those things. But rather I did not put off life simply because I wasn't married.

I'm still not putting off life. There's just someone else in it now.

For time and all eternity

In one month from today, Roscoe and I will be entering the temple to sealed for time and all eternity. Forever! What a blessing!

From the church website about temples:

Sealing

Another temple ordinance is the sealing ordinance, in which husbands and wives are sealed to each other and children are sealed to their parents in eternal families. This means that if we are faithful to our covenants, our family relationships will continue for eternity. People sometimes also refer to this ordinance as “temple marriage” or “eternal marriage.”

This is the kind of marriage I have always wanted and I'm so happy to have found someone who will enter into that covenant with me! 

If you're happy and you know it

Wisdom from Dilbert.

Marriage won't make you happy. You have to do that on your own. You can never let your happiness depend on the actions of somebody else because you can never choose their actions. Sure, being single sucks some times, a lot of times. But that doesn't mean you get to be all depressed and woe is me about it. Depressed, boring, uninteresting people are never attractive.

For all the trouble Dilbert has with his dating life, at least he's got that point figured out.

Improvement

I keep forgetting to blog, so I'm glad I have a reminder in my calendar for this little project.  I've been thinking about how hard it is for me to find something to talk about on here.  I want to avoid being overly whiny, because there are enough whiny singles blogs out there.  I want to avoid being overly prideful, because there are enough "look at me!" blogs out there.  So, between those two limits, I find myself thinking I don't have much to day.  In my real life, I'm not overly whiny or prideful--I don't complain about being single because, really, there's not much I can do about it (and don't suggest online dating, because I always feel like throwing up just thinking about it) besides keep doing what I'm doing and have faith that everything is happening the way it needs to.  I don't think I'm all that awesome; maybe I have a certain cool factor because I do what I like and buy myself pretty things and don't get all hung up on what people are thinking about me, but I got here after a very long journey through years of depression and self-doubt.

My life is work and family.  The last time I went on a date was when I went to lunch with Ken back in August, and I paid.  I get involved in hobbies and projects, and I flirt when I can, but mostly I try to make people comfortable and happy.  I don't go to work looking for dates (and would NEVER date anyone I've met at my new job--all the single guys are too short or too awkward), I don't go to a singles ward, and I avoid singles activities with all my might.  So I work, I occasionally go to lunch with some of the other women there, and I come home and hang out with my family, or I don't come home and instead work on outisde projects with fun people.  The goal of my social interaction is not to find a husband, but to do something challenging and meet like-minded people.  I'm sure there are people out there who would say I'm wrong to take my focus off husband-hunting, but it feels right to do things that make me happy.  I don't buy into "The Secret" and I refuse to compete with 20-year-olds, so I usually end up doing my own thing and enjoying myself.  In fact, I enjoy my time a lot more when I'm not constantly worried about whether or not someone approves of what I'm doing.  I think God approves, and that's enough for me.

Do I want to get married?  Heck yes I do!  But I'm not going to force anything or anyone.  I've prayed about this, and the answer I almost always get is "hang on, he's coming."  So I do my thing, find happiness in my family and friends, and try to be my best self.  When it's right, it'll happen.  Until then (and probably even after), I'll be looking for a tap dancing class to take.

Us Two

By A. A. Milne

Wherever I am, there's always Pooh,
There's always Pooh and Me.
Whatever I do, he wants to do,
"Where are you going today?" says Pooh:
"Well, that's very odd 'cos I was too.
Let's go together," says Pooh, says he.
"Let's go together," says Pooh.

"What's twice eleven?" I said to Pooh.
("Twice what?" said Pooh to Me.)
"I think it ought to be twenty-two."
"Just what I think myself," said Pooh.
"It wasn't an easy sum to do,
But that's what it is," said Pooh, said he.
"That's what it is," said Pooh.

"Let's look for dragons," I said to Pooh.
"Yes, let's," said Pooh to Me.
We crossed the river and found a few-
"Yes, those are dragons all right," said Pooh.
"As soon as I saw their beaks I knew.
That's what they are," said Pooh, said he.
"That's what they are," said Pooh.

"Let's frighten the dragons," I said to Pooh.
"That's right," said Pooh to Me.
"I'm not afraid," I said to Pooh,
And I held his paw and I shouted "Shoo!
Silly old dragons!"- and off they flew.

"I wasn't afraid," said Pooh, said he,
"I'm never afraid with you."

So wherever I am, there's always Pooh,
There's always Pooh and Me.
"What would I do?" I said to Pooh,
"If it wasn't for you," and Pooh said: "True,
It isn't much fun for One, but Two,
Can stick together, says Pooh, says he. "That's how it is," says Pooh.

Love me for me

Three years ago today I got married. And no, I still don't have him "trained." I married him because I love who he is, not because of who I could make him to be. He married me because he loves who I am, not because of what he could change me into. We are a good love match.

We've both changed and grown in the last three years, although I'm a little too close to the action to be able to identify those changes. But it hasn't been a result of coercion or manipulation. It is the result of simply living life and adjusting to this new life we are creating.

Being loved for who you are is all any of us want, and that extends beyond marriage. Our parents love us for who we are not who they wish we were. Our friends, if they are good friends, love us for who we are. Is it really love if they are loving you for who you aren't?

Choosing to marry as an introvert

Once upon a time, both Roxie and I shared our thoughts about relationships and introversion. My thoughts are here, Roxie's are here.

Before I met Roscoe, I was worried about how I would make the transition from interminably single to married. Since I am older and more set in my ways than your average Mormon child bride, I was worried about that too. Roscoe and I remember talking at the beginning of our relationship about how I might want to go off and do my own thing and get space once in a while. I had hope that I would be able to let someone into my life, especially permanently, without having a "people hangover", but I didn't know how that was going to happen.

Well, as Roxie has been telling for a while now, when there is love and choice in the matter, it's a lot easier than you think! Roscoe and I see each other EVERY day. I can't remember the last time I didn't see him at some point during our day.

And I can't get enough of him.

It helps a LOT that he is an introvert as well, has similar social behavior to my own when we're out at church or with friends and is perfectly content doing his own thing when we're just us and one of us has something we need to accomplish, though we spend our mutual leisure time doing the same activity.

Right now, we're in our huge apartment together, with triple the square footage of the apartment we spent the majority of our courtship in, and there might be an inch between us on the couch. He's doing his project for the evening and I'm doing mine. We lightly touch the other (he just rubbed the back of his hand on my leg) or request a kiss or talk as we are so moved to, but, if anything, we're feeding off each other's presence without draining the other's energy.

It might be different when we're seeing each other in the mornings too, but on the occasions where we are practically together from waking up to going to sleep (mostly Saturdays and Sundays), I still don't get tired of being around him, and I can't say that for the vast majority of people I know. Especially not many days in a row.

We considered it a sign that after 10 days of traveling to meet each other's families and being practically inseparable during that time we didn't want to part ways when our trip was over and go back to our own homes, even though we knew we'd see each other the next evening. We never fought once during that trip and didn't need to take "space".

It's awesome and certainly better than I might have hoped!

It's just fine...

Things that I've decided are just fine:

Being annoyed at men my age for dating 20-year-olds

Having lots of pretty nail polish (including black)

Preferring amusing sheets instead of boring solid colors

Being annoyed at single women my age who have given up

Not wearing makeup every day

Watching cartoons

Wanting to have a bright pink bathroom

Liking lamps

Buying things just because they're pretty

Knowing a lot about my car

Being annoyed when I get a runny nose

Peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches

Leftover squash for breakfast...followed by dry cereal

Colored ceilings

Being mad about those 20 extra pounds even though everyone says I don't need to lose weight

Missing the family dog who died over 20 years ago

Not having a problem with Barbie
Having a problem with Bratz dolls

Knowing that my kids might be the same age as my friends' grandkids

Somehow being at peace with my life even though society tells me I shouldn't be

Not worrying too much about getting married.

Veteran's Day

I used to joke that I would marry a military guy from Idaho. First, I love potatoes. I recall a two week Christmas break where I practically lived on cold cereal and potatoes of any kind I could imagine. They are an amazing food. Second, I actually like to move. Or maybe it's just that I'm used to it because I've done it so often. The longest I've ever had an address was for 5.5 years. You'd think I wouldn't have such a pack rat mentality with all that moving. But maybe it's that I have things to make me feel at home rather than places.

I didn't marry a guy from Idaho, but he does like potatoes. And now that I'm grown and I know what being a military spouse involves, maybe it's a bit selfish of me but, I'm glad he's not in the military.

I am so grateful for those who serve and those who stay home and wait for them.

Thank you veterans.

Bridal shower

Today, some darling friends threw me a bridal shower. They offered shortly after our engagement, which was incredibly kind of them, and it was really lovely. At first it was awkward, though only on my end, because I'm not always the center of attention. Then I relaxed and just enjoyed being in the company of wonderful women whom I love and who love me and who are so happy for me.

Were there a few no-shows that I missed? Of course, but that's okay. I was more than blessed by the presence of those who did come.

Naturally, the awkwardness returned as I opened a couple of the gifts, but even so, I knew I was safe in their company. I anticipate everything will come in handy!

It was a great few hours. I am truly a blessed woman!

Themes! (or not)

Confession - Our wedding had a theme. The theme was "inside jokes between HP and Roxy." And the theme was subtle enough that most people didn't even notice. We were happy to explain it to anyone who was interested though.

Note though, that our theme was about us. We were not recreating some movie or book (although weddings of readers that feature books is not bad, but you are getting married, not characters in a book). So I've gotta say, I agree with this article: Don't have a Hunger Games wedding

I particularly liked this quote:

"By the by, this goes for you boys with your flash-mob, social-media, and Muppet-inspired proposals, too. The most powerful, ballsy move in the world is looking a woman in the eye and simply asking her to spend the rest of her life with you. Everything else is a cheap stunt."

Maybe it's the introvert in me, but the power of the proposal is the energy between the two people, not the stunt and crowd that surrounds them.

Older Than You Think I Am

I live with my parents.  I have for a while, for good reasons I won't get into again in this post.  In the ward directory, I am listed separately from them with my own phone number.  People new to the ward might look at the directory and see two parents and two daughters in the same house and, without knowing the situation or meeting us, assume we're in our late teens or early twenties.  It's a fair mistake.  After all, when my siblings and I had moved out or were going to singles wards, a new couple in my parents' ward thought they were childless because they never saw them with children at church!  We all got a kick out of that one.  Again, a fair mistake.

I had an odd moment a couple of months ago:  a new family in our ward called me while I was at work.  I didn't answer because I didn't recognize the number, but I checked my voicemail as I was leaving the building.  It was the father in this new little family, asking me to babysit their two children so he and his wife could attend ward temple night.  He said that some of the young women weren't available and hoped I would be.  I was taken aback.  It's been several years since someone besides family has asked me to watch their kids.  I think the last time I did any babysitting was when I was 19 or 20 and doing overnights so the parents could go on vacation.  It was such an odd question that I didn't even know what to say when I called him back.  I joked with my parents that he couldn't afford my hourly rate, but I really didn't want to embarrass him because I understood that he'd never met me and had no idea how old I was.

When I called him back, I got his voicemail and just said that I hadn't planned on attending ward temple night and that I didn't get home from work until after 5, but that I would be happy to watch his kids if they couldn't find someone else.  I didn't say anything about money because I wouldn't have wanted them to pay me--it would be a service on my part if they wanted me.

I never heard back, and it's never come up in subsequent interactions with them.  I think they figured out that I was a little bit older and it might be weird to ask me to watch their kids.  They're a great couple and their kids are adorable; I'm perfectly willing should they need me.  I don't think they will.

As many experiences like this as I've had, I really shouldn't be disconcerted that people assume I have a lot of free time and don't have a "real" job just because I'm single and live at home...and yet I am always a little taken aback at the assumptions.  I've learned to chuckle at it, help where I can, and be as kind as possible.  It wouldn't be fair of me to assume they know my life.

Love is as love does

M. Scott Peck says it poignantly in The Road Less Traveled:

Love is as love does. Love is an act of will -- namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.
By stating that it is when a couple falls out of love that they may begin to really love I am also implying that real love does not have its roots in a feeling of love. To the contrary, real love often occurs in a context in which the feeling of love is lacking, when we act lovingly despite the fact that we don't feel loving.

Please Wear Clothes

I recently finished a project that involved some evening and weekend meetings.  Overall, it was a very positive experience--I got to meet some new people and get reacquainted with others (including my old friend Ken...more about him later)--but one thing really drove me up the wall.  There was one younger woman who came to nearly every meeting in her workout clothes.  I'm not talking sweats and a t-shirt, but full on workout gear:  sports bra, tank top, leggings (more like tights to be worn under something else).  When we started our meetings, she'd take her shoes off, pile her hair on top of her head, and stretch or do push-ups or something every time we had a break.  If her clothing and behavior were appropriate for the situation, or the situation were appropriate for her clothing and behavior, I wouldn't have had a problem with it.  As it was, though, neither was appropriate for the other, and she became a major annoyance to me.

There are only so many times I can handle an attention-seeker saying something like "look how I can touch the floor" while bending over so her leggings/tights stretch and I can very clearly tell she is wearing plaid underwear.  I almost took a picture with my phone and texted it to her so she could see what was happening whenever she moved.  I'm not sure why I didn't.  Maybe to protect what dignity she had left.

I make it a point to be dressed when I leave my house.  I only wear workout clothes in public when I'm actually working out.  I try to look nice even though I don't always wear makeup or jewelry.  I almost always wear my shoes unless I'm very comfortable with the people in my group.  I make VERY sure that my clothes don't show my underwear when I bend over or reach overhead, and I don't buy leggings unless they're opaque or I intend to only wear them under skirts or dresses for warmth.  (I can't quite get behind the recent leggings-as-pants phenomenon, mostly because so many leggings are actually footless tights and don't quite cover what people think they cover.)  I don't understand people who think workout gear is appropriate for every situation--I hardly even take the garbage to the curb in my pajamas, and my neighbors probably wouldn't even care if I did.  I care, though, so I avoid it.

While not technically immodest--it's not as though she was wearing a low-cut thong leotard over tights--this woman's clothing was immodest for the situation.  Her behavior was a worse offender.  There is a time and place to show off, and there is a time and place to loll around on floors, and there is a time and place to go barefoot.  There is rarely a time and place to throw yourself at anything with a Y chromosome, just for attention and validation.

At one of our final meetings, she'd just come from work and looked very nice.  I almost said, "you sure are attractive when you're dressed," but refrained.  It was a relief to find out a few weeks ago that the relationship I feared she was trying to start with Ken hasn't panned out the way she thought it might.  Her immodest ways didn't keep his attention for long, which was nice to know.

It gives me hope that, by not showing everything, I still have a chance to attract a good man.

Guys not to date

Add guys who purposefully do things to get arrested when they get dumped to your list of guys not to date - Man throws beer at officer to get in trouble.

I remember my economics teacher in high school coming to school once with a shaved head. He'd gotten dumped over the weekend and so he shaved his head to "show her." I hadn't had a whole lot of respect for the guy before then, and that certainly didn't help (not that I was EVER interested in dating teachers, but I kind of expect my teachers to be adults, and this guy was one in age only).

I dumped a guy once. I'll go into the story of why at another time. But in my mind he really should've seen it coming. As far as I know though, he never did anything stupid as a result (although he had a penchant for getting hit by cars). Which just proves my point. If you do something stupid because someone dumped you, they will probably never even know about it.

Working together

Yesterday, Roscoe and I ran a LOT of errands together. Post office, clothing store, groceries, and some other things I'm surely forgetting. We also tried to set up the Internet in our new apartment together and after 90 minutes on the phone, mostly on hold, got a really late start on our errands and an appointment with a tech. We also worked out together and studied side by side.

Today, we worked with the tech to get the Internet up and running for real. We made dinner together and cleaned up together. We got our portion of the wedding invitations stuffed and hand-corrected a typo on all of them. We updated our wedding registry and finalized our wedsite.

Was it the most fun work? Not always. But was it fun to do it together? Absolutely. I don't think couples need to be joined at the hip all the time, but I do think they need to share burdens and work together. It has helped us grow and strengthened our relationship. Plus, it really is more enjoyable to run errands and do the business of being us with Roscoe. We had time to talk and hold hands and make decisions together. I'll take that over running errands alone any day!

It Is What It Is

It's been a rough couple of months in my little world.  There have been two funerals in four weeks in my ward--funerals for people I admire and care deeply for, and it's been very difficult.  There have been financial crises and car problems and surprise weight gain and illness.  I've been slightly depressed for weeks, I don't know how I fit into my new job, and I don't wear my favorite clothes there because they could be considered too embellished or decorative for what I'm doing now.  I need to dust my house, I need to clean off my desk, I need to get my car inspected before I get pulled over for having an expired registration.  I need to put my summer clothes away and get out my winter clothes, but that is hard to do when it is 75 degrees on Halloween and I feel uncomfortable wearing my colorful tights to work.

I'm emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted right now.  I don't feel like myself and I can't figure out if it's my new job or something else that is eating at me.  I enjoy the work, but I don't LOVE it, and sometimes I feel guilty because of that.  But, really, should I be wearing myself out trying to LOVE my job, or should I instead be focused on doing my job well and being reliable?  My boss wants me to LOVE my job, and I don't know how to break it to him that that is probably never going to happen.  Work is something I do to pay the bills.  If I enjoy it (or don't resent it) most of the time, that's great, but I can think of only one job that I'll actually LOVE:  being a wife and mom.  Unfortunately, I don't see myself getting that job any time soon, so I have to keep deflecting my boss's questions about how much I LOVE my job.  I suppose I'll eventually have to have that conversation with him, and he'll tell me that maybe I should be looking for something else to do, and then I'll go home and cry because the things I really want to do aren't exactly easy to get.

That seems like the cycle of my 30s:  make big plans, realize that big plans cost money, remember that I got a non-technical degree, look at grad schools, apply for grad schools, get rejected from grad schools, find a job I don't resent on a daily basis, wonder why I'm slightly depressed, make big plans...

Fortunately, in the midst of all of that, I have a pretty great family and some really great friends.  I even occasionally get to flirt with handsome men and wear my pretty things, so it could be worse.  Like it'll be if I hit my 40s still single and being paid less than I'm worth...

Whirlwind

Hello strangers. Last we spoke, I was giving online dating a shot. I went on a few dates, mostly duds. Well, all duds eventually. John Denver also turned out to be a disaster.

So I threw myself back into school and work and the single life I actually enjoyed.

And then I got a layoff notice.

And then I met someone.

And I spent the summer unemployed and falling in love (and doing some school work) and blogging was not high on my priority list.

And now? I'm getting married next month! And planning our wedding! And moving into our new apartment! Oh, and I'm working part-time and prepping for graduation next semester.

So, life is busy, but oh so wonderful. My fiancé, Roscoe Jones, is amazing and I can't wait to be his wife!

I'm going to try and use some of this month's NaBloPoMo and tell some of our story. Or talk about wedding plans. Or, on busy days, share some of my favorite quotes about love.

I am an incredibly blessed woman. Roscoe has definitely been worth the wait!

Apathetic directionless waiters

I had some friends back when, who thought they could set me up on dates because they had the perfect guy for me. We were both LDS and both single, how much more compatibility do you need!

By this point in my life I had done a few things, like graduate from college, start a career, serve a mission, work in a foreign country. My life had a direction and I was actively pursuing life.

I remember one of those blind dates that went pretty much like this Dilbert date. The guy really had no long term plans. Choking to death on an olive while clinging to failure in a fabric covered cubicle wasn't outside the realm of items on his "five year plan" at that point.

And it wasn't attractive.

I wasn't judging him because he was still in college, but by the fact that he had no idea why he was in college or really what he was going to do after. Have a dream for crying out loud!

One song that I refuse to listen to is John Mayer's "Waiting on the World to Change." To me that song symbolizes the apparent apathetic approach to life that far too many people have today. You don't wait for the world to change, you go out and make it happen, in whatever way you can. Apathetic directionless waiters are not attractive dates and make for boring dinner conversation.

Birth Control

There are certain things that are kind of awkward to discuss in polite society. So I'm going to discuss it here on the internet because it seems that anything goes on the internet.

I want to start with this quote from Elder Andersen's talk in the October 2011 General Conference:

When to have a child and how many children to have are private decisions to be made between a husband and wife and the Lord. These are sacred decisions—decisions that should be made with sincere prayer and acted on with great faith.

I want it to be very clear from the beginning that I am not anti-birth control. There are personal reasons related to the physical, mental, and emotional health of parents that they need to consider with the Lord and not with anyone else. They are personal considerations.

That being said, I've had some ponderings on birth control lately that I hope can be discussed respectfully.

Before getting married my basic understanding of birth control, outside of abstinence, was either "the pill" (hormonal birth control) or condoms. I didn't even realize there were so many different types of hormonal birth control out there. Or other forms of barrier methods.

When I got married the so-you're-going-to-get-married-and-have-sex-now talk with my mom consisted of her saying three words - "I suggest condoms." Because of everything being said everywhere else, we figured we'd use pills. My understanding was they work perfectly and were super easy and had no side effects (the ad agency on that one is doing a real good job).

And then I started looking more into it. And there are a TON of side effects. Granted, incidence of side effects are small, but did I really want to risk weight fluctuations, mood swings, altering my natural hormonal balance, and random break through bleeding in the lead up to our wedding while I adjusted to pills? No, not really.

I'd also heard of IUDs. Which can have hormones or not and are supposed to be super convenient. Although generally doctors like you to have a baby before they give you one of those. I know a lot of people that have an IUD.

But there's one thing I wonder about IUDs. Because IUDs don't prevent fertilization the way a barrier method like condoms or diaphragms do, or even some hormonal pills. IUDs prevent pregnancy by preventing the implantation of a growing embryo.

I know I'm completely biased on this topic because I have pictures of eleven of our growing embryos, two of which implanted and continued to grow for a while and what I want now more than anything in the world is for an embryo to implant again and keep growing.

With that being said, what I'm wondering is how these wonderful people I know who have IUDs feel about when life begins. I know they are all against abortion. Is it then okay to prevent life from continuing to grow through implantation but not okay to stop it from growing after implantation? Do they know that's how an IUD works? I've seen on other places around the internet where people who are not LDS are wondering the exact same things about their LDS friends with IUDs.

So you see, not exactly questions I could bring up at a family dinner. What are your thoughts on birth control options and when life begins?

Please keep the discussion respectful. This is me trying to understand how others think, not tell others how to think. I have my thoughts and opinions and you have yours. Please help me understand your thoughts and opinions. We reserve the rights we have as blog administrators to do what we need to do to keep the discussion respectful.

Too much

There have been some pretty big changes in my life recently.  I don't do well with change--I think I've discussed this before--even when the change is ultimately for my own good.  The last several weeks have been particularly difficult:  I unexpectedly got a new job, one of my dearest friends got married and moved away, another friend moved across the country, and a project I lovingly worked on for nearly four months ended.  All in the same week.  It was really rough on me, but I willed myself not to break down even though I cried at my friend's wedding and reception.
Today, I finally lost it.  I've been doing some training in another city for my new job, and, gas prices being what they are, I took the bus and train to get there.  For one reason and another, I missed the last express bus and sobbed in my car because of it. . . and everything else.  I haven't cried like that for a long time, but out it came and there I was, in my car in the station parking lot, crying for all the world to see.  I cried for a good 10 minutes, but managed to pull myself together, make peace with the idea of being nearly an hour late for work, and I got on another bus.

The same bus a distasteful, socially awkward, and (now) unattractive ex-boyfriend was on.  I couldn't avoid him and was angry and annoyed that he was there, sitting next to me, trying to talk about my life.  He annoys me SO MUCH I can't even describe it, but you know how you look at someone you used to date and wonder what in the world possessed you to find him attractive?  Sigh.  I was stuck with him for over an hour and it was a relief to leave him on a street corner and cross to my building, hoping to never see him again.  He makes me gag a little and I'm glad I stopped spending time with him at all.  I mostly did it to be nice, but it wasn't worth it.  I'm upset with myself that I spent so much time with him, hoping maybe he wouldn't annoy me so much, when I could have been with someone I actually like, like a friend or a sister.

It's a good thing my afternoon was much better than my morning, but I'll be really glad for the short commute to my actual office to start soon.  I don't want to think about any other weirdos I'll meet on the train...

Happy Non-anniversary!

Today would have been my anniversary. It's a strange mix of emotions looking back at the last few years: I'm happy I'm where I am, I'm sad for what could have been.

Most of all, I thank God almost every day that I didn't marry him.

Love and gratitude

And now the post I thought I would be writing last week and didn't.

My mom taught me to write thank you notes. I sent thank you notes each year to my grandpas for the birthday and Christmas gifts they gave. I wrote thank you notes to people who did nice things for me. We made sure we hand wrote personal thank you notes after our wedding. I was still getting over a hand injury from earlier in the year so I could only do five or so at a time before my hand hurt too much, but I'd do five a day till mine were all done.

I sincerely hope that hand written thank yous never disappear. Although the fact that someone thought our thank you note sent a month after the wedding was a pregnancy announcement probably says something. I never got a thank you note from that person after their wedding two years earlier either.

The first of January I was reading "The Art of Manliness" and there was a post about making a resolution to write a romantic love note to your significant other every week for a year - A Resolution for Romance: The 52 Love Notes Challenge. And I thought to myself, "self, you can do that." And I have. And it's fun, especially finding new places to hide them. And especially when I get notes back.

Except here's the problem. My love notes keep coming out like thank you notes. Thank you for your love. Thank you for the way you look at me. Thank you for always sorting the laundry. Thank you for the beautiful surprise that you are in my life.

But is that really a problem? Isn't expressing gratitude just another way to express love? Thank you notes and love notes often express the same thing, just in different forms.

The world needs more love/gratitude notes. Find someone this week you can write a note to.

Thank you dear internet for giving me a place to share my thoughts. Thank you for sharing yours with me.

So much unsaid

The last time I wrote a post for this blog was the first week of December. I wrote about how I'd really love to just tell someone flat out how inappropriate her asking me every month if I was pregnant was.

The ironic thing, I was actually pregnant at the time. I was five weeks six days pregnant. Miraculously our first round of IVF had worked. We would see our baby's heart beat for the first time two days later. And in two weeks I would have a D&C because our baby had died at seven weeks three days, one week before Christmas, one week before we had planned to surprise our families with the wonderful news we'd been gleefully keeping secret since Thanksgiving.

Two months later, a month ago Saturday, our second round of IVF would also miscarry.

Part of me wants to scream it all from the roof tops. Women need to know they are not alone with infertility. People need to understand why it is I won't go to that activity or can't do them that favor right now. I'm barely keeping my head above water most days, and the other days I'm only not drowning because my husband is holding me above water.

And the other part of me does not want to deal with the constant pity and questions and platitudes that don't do any good and often times actually hurt.

The two things I want right now are to be pregnant with a baby I'll get to wrap in a quilt and finish my dissertation proposal (in that order). But I'd settle for insurance coverage that covers more than just two IVF tries in your lifetime.

This was so not the post I planned to write today. Which means either you needed to read it or I needed to write it. I promise my next one will be happier.

Four Dates and Texter

For the record, I do not recommend going on four dates with four different men in one week. I was exhausted by Sunday night.

Here's a little recap:

Friday night - The Wordsmith - It turns out that he conveniently left out his height on his profile. I'm fairly average in height, and this guy was shorter than me by a couple of inches, which makes him SHORT. Some ladies can dig the short dudes, but I can't. Our conversation was okay-ish, but we both claimed exhaustion after dinner at 8:30 and went our separate ways. Neither of us have contacted the other since.

Saturday morning - Rescheduled. "How about we try for next weekend?" "Sure." It's Wednesday now, and I haven't heard anything since.

Saturday night - The Pollock - I thought this was going fairly well, at least for a second date. Conversation flowed smoothly. We went out to a movie and then back to his place for Rock Band and talking. Unfortunately, while I was trying to get a little closer on the couch, just inching toward the middle, it felt like he was going the opposite direction and getting as close to his arm as he could. He even went so far as to put a pillow up to his side at one point. When he evening was over, I was given a hug and a "it was good to see you." Even though I texted him to let him know I had a good time and was home safe, I haven't heard from him either.

Sunday night - Museum Date - I was VERY late for this date, because I couldn't find parking. He was pleasant, but our conversation was stilted and forced. I don't think it would have gone much better if I hadn't just been out so much already, so I don't feel too bad about not being the best date ever. We had an awkward and a maybe we should do this again sometime and a thank you text later, but that's it.

Soooo that's fun.

The good news? Things with John Denver are going swimmingly. And his voice? A lovely tenor. Hopefully, more on all that later!

Player

In a fit of boredom, desperation, and curiosity, I joined a couple of online dating sites. One free, one paid. Both have slightly different concepts in how they go about matching people up, and I thought I'd give it a whirl.

Ho-boy.

Short version: I have three first and one second date this coming weekend AND another man I'm texting almost all day every day.

Did you count that? Four dates and five suitors? Who AM I?

Long version: I don't even know where to start. I sent out a handful of little nudges to a few guys I thought were attractive and received a few in return. Many of mine were ignored, and I ignored a few sent my way as well, but then a few turned into actual conversation. And then actual date invitations. I was headed out of town for work almost immediately, so I had to postpone all but one first meeting until after I got back.

I didn't even expect that first first date with The Pollock (he's really of Polish descent), to go as well as it did, but it did. Not only did the date itself go well, but we continued to text each other for the next two hours after we went our separate ways. Knowing we were both out of town and busy meant we didn't talk much over the next week or so, but once I had returned I, as promised, called him to schedule another date and he returned the call last night. Yes, I know I called first, but all other communication to this point had been initiated by him.

We talked on the phone for over 30 minutes, and I don't even like talking on the phone. I wanted him to get to the making plans for the weekend point sooner, but he didn't and that's okay. He called as soon as he could (work has been crazy and he's on total outside world lockdown when he's there, thank you top secret government work) and it was fun to hear from him. We should be seeing each other again this Saturday night.

Then there's The Wordsmith. We've been emailing and playing WordFeud (a smartphone version of Scrabble) and looking forward to our first dinner for a couple of weeks. He's made an effort to keep getting to know me while I've been away, and I'm impressed. Initially, I thought he was going to win over The Pollock, but now I don't know. I'll evaluate after our date on Friday.

I also have dates Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon. These guys don't get nicknames yet because I've hardly talked to them since arranging our plans and I don't anticipate them making the cut. I also had a date this last Monday evening. It was a fun activity (pub trivia), but the date itself fizzled. Oh well.

Oh! And there's the guy I was just starting to get to know and then ran into at a social event on a date with another girl! It was actually the girl I was talking to first because she came over to compliment my dress, then her date came back from wherever he was. "You look like this guy I've been talking to online." "What's his name?" "{Insert screen name here}" "[Laughs.] I thought you looked familiar too." And now his date and I are Facebook friends and I don't know if either of us have heard from him again. I certainly haven't.

I haven't even made an effort on these sites for almost two weeks, because I cannot keep this pace up! There are a couple guys I'm talking to and haven't made plans with yet, but after these other guys I'm actually meeting, the conversation already seems forced and I don't want to waste anyone's time.

And! Two guys whose radars I thought I'd fallen off months ago are starting to creep back into my life. I'm not anticipating anything actually happening there, but it's still more dudes to keep track of!

Part of this little experiment was definitely because I was striking out in my normal circle - the guys I meet through my Mormon circle. Too much drama, not enough dates.

Then suddenly last Thursday, I sent a flirty tweet to a single, Mormon guy I know solely on Twitter - because, well, why not? And, unlike the last time I tried flirting with him, he actually responded. We quickly moved the conversation to direct (private) messages and, by the end of the day, had exchanged phone numbers and moved the conversation to text messages.

And we haven't stopped.

For the first few days I was hesitant and thought to myself "Wow, dude, slow down. Don't force this.", but I'm starting to change my tune. We have a LOT in common and plenty to talk about. John Denver, as he shall be known, is clearly smitten with me and has actually said that - I'm not just inferring here. So, not only do we enjoy many of the same things, he's open and communicative about his feelings in general and his feelings for me specifically and often, something I've been saying for a long time will be a characteristic of my husband. After too many "does he or doesn't he" scenarios, I need someone I don't doubt really cares for me.

John Denver is many of the things I'm looking for, but I'm still hesitant. 1 - It's only been a week. 2 - I have, at least for now, a few other guys in the lineup (I cannot stress enough how much this has NEVER happened for me). 3 - I still don't know what he looks or sounds like. I know what he used to look like, but he's apparently lost a LOT of weight since then (which is good, because he was severely overweight, something I'm not attracted to) and has no recent pictures to share. What he sounds like is important too, for a variety of reasons. Maybe it's shallow, but physical attraction is important too.

Chances are very good right now that all these relationships will naturally play out and all but one will end soon enough that I don't even have to tell them I'm considering so many others. And chances are good that the things I'm worried about with John Denver specifically will be answered quickly.

Obviously, there's lots to evaluate about each of these men and they still have plenty to learn about me. It's just so flattering AND overwhelming that all of them have shown up at once. I hardly have time for one relationship, not to mention five!

I'm willing to give it a shot though, and I will certainly keep you all posted!

Awkward

I got a Valentine.

You'd think this would be a positive sign, but it really isn't. The Valentine came from a man in my ward. It's just a bag of candy with a note on it, nothing big, but it's unnerving and distressing and awkward. This man (a kind and thoughtful man, mind you) is and never will be marriage material. I hear myself say it out loud and I feel terrible, but he has some physical and intellectual limitations that make it impossible for me to see him as anything but a kind and thoughtful man. There are some things I can deal with, but his limitations are such that they automatically write him off even for a friendship.

I've tried my best to not encourage him at all in this, but you know that sometimes no matter what you do, it isn't enough to deter someone who is very determined. He sits by me in Sunday school when he can, he goes out of his way to shake my hand (sometimes to the point of coming to my pew in church when I've already sat down). IT IS AWKWARD. We had a ward activity a while ago that involved music, and he asked me to dance. I was a little prepared, so I was able to politely decline because I was keeping someone else company. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I CAN'T encourage him in this.

This is one of those times when it would be highly convenient to have a serious boyfriend. I know I shouldn't ask Heavenly Father for a boyfriend just to avoid this other guy, but I must admit I'm sorely tempted sometimes. Ha. I'm sorely tempted to make up a boyfriend, but then I'd have to explain myself to my entire ward and that would be even more awkward, wouldn't it? Sigh.

I hate walking this line; it is such a disconcerting position to be in. I've been here before, but not with someone quite as limited as him, so it's even more awkward than it usually is.

I guess I should be grateful that he's not doing this to someone of a less appropriate age--I'd rather it was me than someone younger and more likely to be freaked out by his attention. Still, I wish it wasn't this way.

The thought of eating the candy he gave me makes me nauseated, and I just can't do it.

Church tomorrow has a very high weirdness index.